What's something I wish managers would know?

That giving training to an abusive person - will not fix the problem. The people who need to be trained - are the people around the abusive problem. Can't tell you how many times I've gotten calls to train - A person. And I never get the details - but eventually read about it in the paper. Trainings, don't actually change behavior.

Why?

1)  If you have a bully in the workplace - they are doing it and getting away with it - because it works. They have no incentive to stop. It's everyone else who wants them to stop. Everyone else is motivated to learn how to get them to stop. The bully is not interested in learning to stop. So right off the bat - you have someone attending a training and committed to not learning anything. Meanwhile - the people who are motivated to learn - aren't trained at all. 

2) A training can only bring awareness to a problem. It doesn't change behavior. It can give people the tools they need to change behavior - but changing behavior is a process that takes place over time and the individual needs to want to change. If they don't - the training is pointless and I refuse to provide those sorts of - fix this person for us training for this reason. 

3) The underlying reason I get these requests is because managers want me to fix a "problem person," but they don't want to learn how to change themselves or improve themselves so that they can help their employee behave better. It's their responsibility to fix this problem if they are the leader. They are abdicating their responsibility and refusing to learn how to be a better leader. They just want someone else to fix the problem so they hire someone to give a training to the problem person - and it accomplishes absolutely nothing.  I refuse to do these sorts of training and tell them flat out -if you aren't willing to learn how to manage this problem  I can't help you. 

4) our goal should be to help people behavior more pro-socially and that requires conditions and conditioning that encourages and rewards pro-social behavior.  If the conditions around the person don't change - the behavior - probably won't change. You have to empower the people around the problem person so they can help create the conditions in which bullying isn't rewarded. It's the only thing that works.

Contact me: 

Contact me if you have a problem person - or would like training - that will actually help fix the problem. But only if you all are willing to do the work to fix the problem. 

https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

How to deal with toxic bosses

https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

I just delivered a program for FL SHRM on How to Humanistically Handle Bad Bullying Bosses. It should be available through my company Humanist learning Systems soon.

I teach how to use behavioral techniques to get unwanted behavior to stop.

 The short version of how to deal with toxic bosses is this: 

1. Be explicitly about what the behavior is that is problematic.  Do they eat too loudly during lunch? Are they punching people? Withholding information? Calling people names?
2. Think of your boss compassionately. Most people don’t behave well when stressed out – help manage things so that they are less stressed.
3. CYA by documenting EVERYTHING. Do this to help clear up communication problems (and toxic bosses – have communication issues). And keep doing that. This will help make sure that a) you behave at your best and b) will encourage them to act good too.

When you do this – if they are well meaning – they will respond to your attempt to reset the relationship with good intentions.  The good news is that most people fall into this category.

If they are really toxic and not in control of their behavior – they will start to behave worse as they lose control over the dynamic.  Most toxic employees and bosses – are toxic because they are bullies. When bullies are no longer able to use aggression to intimidate people into doing what they want – they do the one thing that has always worked for them – which is to get more aggressive. Just keep documenting and being professional.

The bad news is – if your boss is truly toxic – you won’t be able to change them.  Your only realistic goals is to either get them fired or to find another job.  But you won’t know if they fall into this category until you at least try to reset the relationship.

Finally – dignity – it’s key.  Treat them with dignity – even if they don’t treat others with dignity. Here’s why.  No one can take your dignity away from you.  No one. If someone fails to treat you with dignity – that is a reflection on them, not on you. The more dignity you give – the more dignified you are.  It’s an unlimited resource.  If someone else is set on being undignified – don’t’ join them. You can politely and professionally – encourage them to choose a more dignified and professional course of actions – but if they are toxic – they are going to behave toxic-ly. All you can do is maintain your professionalism and your dignity. Feeling compassion for them will help you not be bothered and not take what they are doing personally.

If you want to learn how to deal with bullies and other toxic people in the workplace - consider taking one of my online courses - or hiring me to do a group training - https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Rational Decision Making vs. Bullying based decision making

One of the reasons to reject bullying as a leadership style is because bullying leads to bad decisions.

People often ask me why I talk so much about bullying in the context of humanistic leadership development. The answer is that the anti-dote to bullying leadership styles is humanistic leadership.

Bullies lead through aggression and intimidation. They get people to agree with them by basically threatening them if they don’t. This isn’t true leadership, though it often is mistaken as such. Some people do follow bullies voluntarily, but they are usually trying to gain access to resources denied the victims of the bully. It’s a calculated decision to either align with the bully or become a victim of the bully.

True leadership doesn’t require bullying to gain followers.  True leaders are followed because what they are saying and doing makes sense and people can see how they benefit from it.

The topic of this post is about the difference between rational decision making and bullying based decision making.

Working with and supporting bullying leaders usually leads to segregation and hoarding of resources and this in turn causes harms to the “have nots” because bullying is about power and about marking people as either in (haves) or out (have nots).

Decisions made in a bullying framework aren’t about solving problems. They are about hoarding resources, which has nothing to do with solving problems. Bullying, as a leadership style, is a really bad approach to problem solving.

Lots of people are attracted to bullies. They think – here is a guy who can force a solution. And the bully often can. The problem is that the “solution” rarely solves the problem, it just empowers the bully more.

Rational decision making, on the other hand, is unconcerned with power. It’ s concerned with problem solving and using whatever tools are available to solve those problems.  The reason humanistic leadership is more effective is precisely because it doesn’t divide the “human resources” into in groups and out-groups. Everyone has a seat at the table and all potential solutions are considered and people are mobilized, not to pettily segregate people, but into teams that are working collaboratively to solve our problems.

If you are in a working environment with a bully, understand that while they seem to wield power, they aren’t wielding it for the good of the organization. And that fact alone is reason enough to no longer tolerate their behavior.


Learn how to stop bullying in the workplace - https://humanistlearning.com/retaliation1/

And the 7 principles of Humanistic Management - https://humanistlearning.com/?p=2237

Finally - learn about reality based decision making - https://humanistlearning.com/realitybaseddecisionmaking/