From Frustration to Compassion

Being overwhelmed is a constant problem. It would be nice if it weren't so. Learning how to not be so frustrated when life and the people around you are overwhelming and frustrating is one of the keys to being happy. It's hard, if not impossible to be happy when you are frustrated. 

 A lot of my clients come to me because they are frustrated. Either a person or a situation is causing them frustration. They want to know how to fix the problem. This is especially true when a client is a company. They hire me to "fix" a problem person.

And I help people, but rarely in the way they think I will. I help them by teaching them how to love. Love in the west is often associated with romance. But it has many dimensions and the practice of love, helps ease frustration and in turn, helps create - happiness.

And it's always amazing to me how many people resist this knowledge.  And it's not just me teaching it. Every major philosophy and religion teaches people to love. 

I had an epiphany on this a couple of years ago.

When people meet me, they realize I'm happy. And it's not an act. Most of the time, I'm in a pretty good mood.  And when I'm not, it doesn't normally last long.  I attribute my attitude to 3 things.  

1) I am biologically happy meaning, I don't have a mental health problem that makes being happy hard, like depression. My hubby suffers from depression on occasion and when he does, he needs medicine to help reset his brain and those medicines work. So, if your brain is a hinderance and not a help, seek help.

2) My philosophy, Humanism. This is a choice I have made about how I want to go through life.  If this is the one life I have, I might as well do the best I can with it - good and bad.  I'm ok with bad things happening, though I prefer good things happening. But more importantly, I refuse to stay stuck in bad things. I believe I can make the world better for myself and others, so I work to make that happen. This approach is a choice I've made and it helps me fill fulfilled and gives me purpose, which is important to being happy. We humans need to have meaning and connection to feel - good. So - I made that for myself and it works.

3) I practice love. As I said in the video, I actively think about and try to exude love. For myself, for my family, for my friends and for total strangers. Everyone.  It's my love for others, as an active practice, that helps me turn frustration into compassion.  When I find myself getting frustrated, and I do, I remind myself to think about the situation or the person, using love as my guide.  And immediately, my frustration ebbs away. And it works.  I find I can solve my problems better. Fix frustrating situations and deal with difficult people with the grace and compassion I expect from myself. 

How this applies to the workplace?

When I teach people how to stop bullying/harassment in the workplace, I not only teach the science of how to make it stop, I teach the mindset that helps you actually implement the science. And yes, that mindset is compassionate. It is extremely hard to do what works if you are angry. 

It's hard to make good strategic decisions when you are angry or frustrated. It's why the stoics encourage people to get control of their emotions. Thinking rationally is hard when our brains are overwhelmed with frustration.

Converting frustration to compassion helps get into the right mindset to create win win solutions for whatever the problem is. It also helps get into the right mindset to not be bothers by situations you cannot change.  In fact, I don't know how anyone complies with the Serenity Prayer if they are not practicing compassion and love. 

Humanistic Leadership, is loving leadership. If you are new to this, what I'd like you to do is try it. Next time you find yourself getting frustrated think - WWJD (What Would Jennifer Do). And what I would do is remind myself to love myself, love my family, love my friends and yes - love this annoying person who is frustrating me and only then, start thinking about how to fix the problem if it is fixable. And if it's not, walking away from it with love and a smile on my face. 

Good luck.

Also, if you want to take some of my course, visit: https://humanistlearning.com/ 

I am REALLY REALLY ANGRY

Coping with feelings of frustration and hopelessness in modern society. 

Lately I find that I am furious. Like REALLY REALLY REALLY angry.  It's not that good things aren't happening in my life. They are. For instance, I just got back from doing some talks in India. How cool is that?

The problem is politics. Polarized politics. Fake news. The fact we can't seem to have rational conversations about anything because our knowledge bases aren't the same. I feel gas-lighted when stuff I saw with my own eyes I'm being told didn't happen at all. I'm sure others feel the same way when they are told - what you think happened - didn't happen at all.

And I say this to people all the time!!! Because it's true!!!! And I'm aware at how infuriating that is for people to hear! And yet - I do it anyway - because what is true really matters. AND - more importantly - what is true is knowable.  If you and I have a disagreement on what is true - we can actually resolve that. You know - with facts! No facts to back up your claim - then sorry - you are mistaken. Deal with it. 

1 in 3 people in America believe things that aren't anywhere close to being true. This is not fringe anymore. It's not. And it's maddening. 

What else am I mad at? I am mad that sexism is still a problem. I am furious that women around the world have their futures stolen from them by the men in their lives. That they don't have the opportunity to fully participate in society because the men in their lives can't handle it. In fact, this makes me furious! I am made that sexual assault is still a problem. I am furious that kids are being shot with guns because politicians wont' do anything to stop it - except pray!!!!! AAAAGGHHHH!!!  

I'm sick of being told that I can't express my anger and frustration because apparently my anger over the death and the destruction I see happening around me is not just upsetting, it's infuriating. The flat out refusal to use reason and compassion to create good solutions is infuriating.

I am furious that white nationalists are still holding our country hostage - on a huge number of issues. Why can't we get universal health care - it has to do with racism. Why can't we get an agreement on immigration - for the past 2 decades - racism. And no - despite the nice lady at my republican congressman's office telling me - eventually they will die and then we can fix this - no - it's not working and in the meantime, we as a society have spent decades killing black people, allowing them to die from neglect, imprisoning them, destroying their communities and preventing them from participating fully in our society. That makes me furious!  And me saying I'm furious about that isn't going to cause good people to suddenly become white nationalists. It won't!  Someone declaring themselves a white nationalist - is someone who is just making their bigotry public. Their bigotry was always there just as the societal injustice has ALWAYS BEEN THERE. The denial-ism on this is deadly. And it's infuriating. 

I am frustrated at stupid friggin arguments against doing something about gun violence. The arguments make no sense. They are just put out to stop us from talking about actual solutions. And this happens ON everything.  Name the topic. We can't have rational discussions on how to protect ourselves from terrorists, or whether women should actually have access to health care when they are most in need of professional health care. AAAGGHHH!!!!

I'm really sick of being told to shut up and not express my frustration at this because - it makes other people uncomfortable. I have every right to be furious. And so does every single person who is sick of kids being killed and who is sick of white nationalists continuing to have the power to exclude black and brown people from society. 

So - how do I as a Humanist cope with all this raging anger I have building inside of me. By channeling it into productive things.  By reminding myself to feel compassion even for the people who are blind to the truth. And to wield my compassion as a sword. 

I cope by trying to make sure that I am not part of the fake news problem. By researching everything to make sure I know what the actual facts are and not just sharing a narrative that makes me feel good.  I cope by working actively to help elect people who understand what is wrong and are willing to work to fix it - with science and reason and compassion and to vote out the people who are preying on people's fears with demagoguery. 

And - I take the time to enjoy the world I live in. Because even though there is a LOT of really bad things happening, there are good things happening too. I have friends. I am alive right now.  I have my work. I am making a positive difference in people's lives - even though that impact might be small. I try to notice the little things. In other words, I remind myself what it is I am fighting to protect and defend.

And yes- I recognize that as a white middle class woman - I have the privilege to do that. A privilege others don't. And that infuriates me too. Everyone should have the ability to claim space and peace. But I claim that space anyway because I know if I don't I will burn out and won't be able to join the fight at all. I view this as a tag team relay. We have to work together. And that means making space for people to drop out temporarily while they regroup and tend to their personal needs.

And having won that small slice of peace - I can return to fight for what I believe is right. Why? Because I can't do it when I'm gone.

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If you want advice on how to cope more effectively and make better for reality based decisions - I have two options.

1) my book The Humanist Approach to Happiness

and 

2) My online course Living Made Simpler. 

Feel compassion for those who lack compassion

From time to time, we all run across people who seem to lack compassion. They just don’t seem to care what other people are going through or the negative impact they are having on others.  It is heartbreaking to watch people who are so angry.  It is also incredibly difficult to be on the receiving end of their negativity.

This is why I am always advocating that we find compassion, even for those people who lack compassion. The truth is, you have no idea what brought this person to this point. You don’t know if they have a brain disease that is interfering with their normal brain processes. You don’t know if they are neuro-atypical and so have trouble accessing the emotion compassion.  So don’t assume you do.

This doesn’t mean you should allow them to negatively impact you. It just means how you go about protecting yourself will be motivated by your compassion for them as opposed to your anger towards them.   And that difference makes all the difference in the world.

Adding to the anger and negativity of the world doesn’t help you or anyone else feel better. Reaching out in compassion to those who lack compassion will help you feel better and may just help the other person as well. And isn’t that better than allowing their negativity to consume you? 

Label Your Emotions Properly!

CivilNation blog posted an article about how important it is to label your negative emotions properly. Especially in the context of social dialogue. If you say you are angry, when you are merely irritated, it gives people the impression that are madder than you really are.

Additionally, learning to label your emotions properly, and to give them nuance is important because it really does help you not overreact to things.

READ FULL ARTICLE HERE


In the meantime, if you want to know what the difference is between annoyance and anger, or anger and rage, for example? Read below.

• Annoyance: Feeling irritation or displeasure
• Frustration: A deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs
• Anger: A strong feeling of displeasure or hostility
• Hostility: Expressed enmity or antagonism
• Aggression: Behaving in actively hostile fashion
• Rage: Violent uncontrollable anger