Handling Hate - your own

I find myself feeling a lot of anger recently.  It comes from fear.  It does not overwhelm me. I do try to focus on the good things going on in the world. And there are a lot of good things going on.  But with the bad things, I find myself getting really angry - because - truthfully - I have moments where I am really scared.

To me, my Humanism is a personal practice. It's about how I want to behave, act and interact with the world and others.  I know intellectually that hate - while a totally valid emotion, is not a good way to solve problems. 

The upside of anger is that it tells me there is a problem that needs to be solve. The problem with hate is it focuses me on an individual or a group and that doesn't necessarily help me fix the problem. Often - it is counter productive.

Most people, even people who are hurting others, aren't necessarily trying to hurt people. They often don't know they are doing it  - or - they are trying to protect themselves from the things they fear and are doing the same thing I struggle with - which is getting angry and then hating the people making them afraid. 

It's a vicious cycle and if we are to end it - we need to take responsibility to do it.  And that requires us to not feed the cycle.

To me - this is a balancing act. How do I acknowledge my fear and anger without devolving into hate. Again, fear and anger tell me there is a problem that needs to be solved and motivate me to tackle the problem. Hate - focuses my efforts in a way that is counter productive.

To help me with this - I remind myself that other people are humans! They probably aren't evil.  They are actually - probably a lot like me. And they are - because we are all humans. We all have the same basic emotional toolkit and are prone to similar thinking errors, like fear, anger and hate.

I find this reminder to myself helps me step out of my fear based anger just enough to NOT continue on the path towards hate.

If you are so afraid you hate people - that's you. It's an emotion happening in your mind. So remind yourself to not be afraid. And to focus on solving the problem - not on hating the people you think are responsible for the problem.  Why? Because chances are - you need the people you are upset with - to help you and it's easier to get them to help you if you aren't hurting them through your hate.

Do I succeed at this?  I honestly don't know. I experience the emotion of hate.  I like to hope that I don't act on it.  And that I can de-escalate myself to think more rationally and compassionately about people.  I feel like I can do that pretty well. I am able to de-escalate myself on my own without external pushes. So - yes. I guess I do.  Being successful, does not mean I am perfect. It means - when it happens - I handle it.

Does that mean I never feel hate? Of course not. I do. It just means that I view it as my responsibility to handle my own hate so that I don't carry it with me and infect others.

I hope this helps. 

Is hate a weapon we can use to deal with the people we don't like?

Hate isn’t a weapon. It’s an emotion. It’s an outgrowth of anger and it’s part of our emotional toolkit for a reason. It helps us know when there is a problem that needs to be fixed because bad things are occurring.

Using hate as a weapon, is not generally a good way to actually solve the problem that needs fixing though. It’s just a signal that we need to fix something. It’s much better to use strategic thinking and compassionate thinking to actual fix the problem that anger has identified.

Anyone who has ever served in the army will tell you - the angry hot head - the person who hates, is a danger to the group because they tend to act rashly instead of strategically. It is for this reason that hate - as a weapon - is counterproductive.

Yoda (from Star Wars) said, Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

What mature people do - is they recognize that under the hate is anger. And under the anger is fear. And they focus on fixing the thing they are afraid of. Not on hating the people they view to be the cause of the thing they fear. This tends to yield better results that acting out on hate.

There are very few instances of hate based decision making ending well for the hater. So while it is entirely possible to use hate as a weapon to deal with people you don’t like. It’s not likely to fix the underlying problem which will remain.

Instead, the suggestion from pretty much every major philosopher throughout history is to acknowledge the fear underlying the emotions of anger and hate and use those emotions as a motivation to take action, but to actually approach to the problem solving in a rational and compassionate way.

That's my perspective as a humanist. 

I am REALLY REALLY ANGRY

Coping with feelings of frustration and hopelessness in modern society. 

Lately I find that I am furious. Like REALLY REALLY REALLY angry.  It's not that good things aren't happening in my life. They are. For instance, I just got back from doing some talks in India. How cool is that?

The problem is politics. Polarized politics. Fake news. The fact we can't seem to have rational conversations about anything because our knowledge bases aren't the same. I feel gas-lighted when stuff I saw with my own eyes I'm being told didn't happen at all. I'm sure others feel the same way when they are told - what you think happened - didn't happen at all.

And I say this to people all the time!!! Because it's true!!!! And I'm aware at how infuriating that is for people to hear! And yet - I do it anyway - because what is true really matters. AND - more importantly - what is true is knowable.  If you and I have a disagreement on what is true - we can actually resolve that. You know - with facts! No facts to back up your claim - then sorry - you are mistaken. Deal with it. 

1 in 3 people in America believe things that aren't anywhere close to being true. This is not fringe anymore. It's not. And it's maddening. 

What else am I mad at? I am mad that sexism is still a problem. I am furious that women around the world have their futures stolen from them by the men in their lives. That they don't have the opportunity to fully participate in society because the men in their lives can't handle it. In fact, this makes me furious! I am made that sexual assault is still a problem. I am furious that kids are being shot with guns because politicians wont' do anything to stop it - except pray!!!!! AAAAGGHHHH!!!  

I'm sick of being told that I can't express my anger and frustration because apparently my anger over the death and the destruction I see happening around me is not just upsetting, it's infuriating. The flat out refusal to use reason and compassion to create good solutions is infuriating.

I am furious that white nationalists are still holding our country hostage - on a huge number of issues. Why can't we get universal health care - it has to do with racism. Why can't we get an agreement on immigration - for the past 2 decades - racism. And no - despite the nice lady at my republican congressman's office telling me - eventually they will die and then we can fix this - no - it's not working and in the meantime, we as a society have spent decades killing black people, allowing them to die from neglect, imprisoning them, destroying their communities and preventing them from participating fully in our society. That makes me furious!  And me saying I'm furious about that isn't going to cause good people to suddenly become white nationalists. It won't!  Someone declaring themselves a white nationalist - is someone who is just making their bigotry public. Their bigotry was always there just as the societal injustice has ALWAYS BEEN THERE. The denial-ism on this is deadly. And it's infuriating. 

I am frustrated at stupid friggin arguments against doing something about gun violence. The arguments make no sense. They are just put out to stop us from talking about actual solutions. And this happens ON everything.  Name the topic. We can't have rational discussions on how to protect ourselves from terrorists, or whether women should actually have access to health care when they are most in need of professional health care. AAAGGHHH!!!!

I'm really sick of being told to shut up and not express my frustration at this because - it makes other people uncomfortable. I have every right to be furious. And so does every single person who is sick of kids being killed and who is sick of white nationalists continuing to have the power to exclude black and brown people from society. 

So - how do I as a Humanist cope with all this raging anger I have building inside of me. By channeling it into productive things.  By reminding myself to feel compassion even for the people who are blind to the truth. And to wield my compassion as a sword. 

I cope by trying to make sure that I am not part of the fake news problem. By researching everything to make sure I know what the actual facts are and not just sharing a narrative that makes me feel good.  I cope by working actively to help elect people who understand what is wrong and are willing to work to fix it - with science and reason and compassion and to vote out the people who are preying on people's fears with demagoguery. 

And - I take the time to enjoy the world I live in. Because even though there is a LOT of really bad things happening, there are good things happening too. I have friends. I am alive right now.  I have my work. I am making a positive difference in people's lives - even though that impact might be small. I try to notice the little things. In other words, I remind myself what it is I am fighting to protect and defend.

And yes- I recognize that as a white middle class woman - I have the privilege to do that. A privilege others don't. And that infuriates me too. Everyone should have the ability to claim space and peace. But I claim that space anyway because I know if I don't I will burn out and won't be able to join the fight at all. I view this as a tag team relay. We have to work together. And that means making space for people to drop out temporarily while they regroup and tend to their personal needs.

And having won that small slice of peace - I can return to fight for what I believe is right. Why? Because I can't do it when I'm gone.

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If you want advice on how to cope more effectively and make better for reality based decisions - I have two options.

1) my book The Humanist Approach to Happiness

and 

2) My online course Living Made Simpler. 

Feeling Compassion for People you Hate

How it is not only possible to find compassion for people you hate, but why doing so can actually help you respond better.

The other day I was tweeted by none other than Shirley Phelps of The Westboro Baptist Church. She was responding to a tweet I had done about bullying. As a Humanist, progressive and liberal, I don’t care for the Westboro Baptist Church or their tactics. I thought her comment was interesting, but off topic. I was more tickled that I had been noticed than anything else. I mean, this is a woman who is notorious as is her church.

As I was trying to figure out whether or not to respond to her I realized, she only has a few hundred followers on twitter. Her posts aren’t horrid rants, she is mostly complaining about celebrities using foul language and that sort of thing and defending her church.  She struck me as rather human.  While I don’t believe what she does and I don’t agree with her tactics, she clearly cares passionately about it and most definitely thinks she is doing good by helping people to wake up by being intentionally offensive.

I realized she isn’t the caricature that she is made out to be.  All I could think was how sad it is that she is so panicked as a result of her theology that all she and her church can do is rant. She isn’t someone who should be demonized. She is a human, who has chosen to be rude and antagonistic to complete strangers in their times of grief as a way to spread her theological beliefs.  The media attention the WBC gets is really just a way for us to make fun of the village idiot. It isn’t a nice thing to do to anyone. We should not be making a media circus out of their antics.

My heart wants to reach out to her and tell her, there is a better way. But there isn’t really anything I can do to help her. As I was thinking about possible responses to her I realized something important. At the heart of the disagreement I have with her and the WBC is that she is certain that all we have to do is obey God’s will for us in an Uncle Tom passive sort of way.  In other words, suffering is noble. As a Humanist, I don’t believe suffering is noble. I believe that we have the ability and responsibility to try to make things better, not just for ourselves, but for everyone. If there is a God, surely It must want us to help ourselves and to correct injustice.

The lesson in all of this is that by considering someone who stands for the opposite of what I work so hard to promote as a real human, I didn’t do something stupid, or mean or ill thought out. I took the time to think about whether or not to respond and what if anything good might come out of it, not just for me, but for her as well.  It seems to me that if we all took the time to think of our adversaries with compassion, perhaps there would be a little less fighting.

I Hate Hate

I was reminded again yesterday that I hate hate. I hate everything about that emotion.  I hate how it feels. I hate how it makes us want to act and I hate how it negatively impacts our society.

I hate that some people are so angry and hate filled that they indiscriminately kill other people. I even hate that the indiscriminate killing of other people makes me so angry I end up hating the people who kill.  I hate the senselessness of the whole thing. I hate feeling hate.

I’ve written before about turning hate into compassion. (see: http://humanisthappiness.blogspot.com/2010/01/turning-hate-into-compassion.html)  But what I want to say today, and what I teach my child when he is angry: is that it’s ok to feel the emotion. Just don’t act on it.

And I think that’s what I hate about hate the most. It’s an irrational emotion that is often overwhelming when we experience it. It robs us of our rationality.  We have to fight to regain a sense of balance so that we can act rationally and with compassion despite our anger and frustration and yes, hate.

To me part of being a good person is understanding that I have a moral obligation to control my emotions so that I do not negatively impact myself or others. I hate that not everyone cares enough to even try to control their emotions and I especially hate that not everyone is even capable of that level of self-control.  In short: I hate hate.  Thanks. I really needed to get that off my chest.

Turning hate into compassion

Hate is a vice. It is a very nasty emotion that causes people to do horrible things. I met someone recently who considered hate to be a virtue and quoted biblical texts to me to support his claim. Look, I realize that in the moment, it may seem expedient to channel hate to fight evil. But that never works out well. Even if you are fighting a war against an evil dictator and your fight is just, hate will not help you win that fight. Soldiers across the world will tell you that the best fighters are those who keep their emotions out of their fighting and keep their head’s level. Musashi Miyamoto says exactly that in the Book of the Five Rings. And heck, Sgt York didn’t want to kill anyone and still managed capture; almost single handedly 132 German soldiers. Not because he hated them, but because he just wanted the killing to stop.

Now, modern soldiers will tell you that they are trained to disassociate their emotions from their fighting. This is because hot headedness makes you a danger to yourself and to others. Angry, hate filled people are unpredictable and easily manipulated and in the heat of battle are worse then useless. Long story short, there is no situation in which hate helps.

So, what to do if you find yourself getting angry and feeling that most awful of emotions hate. Well, practice turning that hate into compassion. And don’t think that means becoming complacent and not doing what you need to do to protect yourself and others without becoming that which you hate in the process. To learn more, read this excellent article by Thupten Phelgye on moving from Hatred to Compassion.