I was asked a question by someone taking my online course: How to De-Escalate Conflicts Using Science. They asked: “What happens if other person will only deal with you via internet, etc.,, not in person or on telephone?”
That was all they texted me, so I did not have the full context of their situation, and when I responded they told me they had already used my ideas to help resolve the situation and it was indeed resolved favorably. What a great endorsement of my course!
I thought it would be helpful to share what I told him as this is a very common problem.
How to Handle Text Conflicts
Assume you have someone you text with who you are having trouble with. So everything is written.
The problem with written communication is that we don’t have any of the normal emotional cue signaling that happens with voice tone and facial cues. It is very, very hard to read what someone else is thinking about when you share something via text, and it is very common to read into communications things that aren’t actually there. This is especially common if they just don’t respond.
My Advice
If they are giving no actual sign they are offended, don’t assume they are.
If you think they might be – it is acceptable to ask them for feedback. Is what you sent ok, are they frustrated, or angry or anything? Most people will respond and ease your mind. Keep in mind, some people read emails and don’t acknowledge them at all. If you need a response, ask for one. If something is important, I usually ask for confirmation of receipt just to be sure they saw it.
If there is an actual conflict and they are telling you something isn’t ok, it may not be possible to fix via text. So much of how we respond emotionally to others is tied to tone of voice and facial cues.
This doesn't mean you can't try. Of course you can try.
Taking a Humanistic Approach
Whenever I have a conflict with someone, online or in person, I go into compassion/professional mode and check my own feelings first. I make sure that my communications are attempts to clarify and gain clarity with them. I make sure there is no animosity on my side by activating compassion. Do I see them as fully human? Deserving of compassion? I should. Because they are humans deserving of compassion.
This one thing I do, is 90% of de-escalating conflicts. I have to first de-escalate myself.
Final Word
At the end of the day if you have someone who is just refusing to communicate with you there is not much you can do. But I would not take it personally. Their communication preferences have everything to do with them and nothing to do with you.
Learn More
If you want to learn more about how to de-escalate conflicts using science and humanist philosophy - check out my course:
https://humanistlearning.com/de-escalate-conflicts/
If you want a more in-depth exploration of how to manage conflicts humanistically - I have an 8 hour certificate program in Humanistic Conflict Management
https://humanistlearning.com/conflict-management-discount-bundle/
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