How to Get Better at Doing New Things: Successive Approximation, Not Perfection

When we set out to learn something new, most of us fall into the same trap: expecting ourselves to be perfect right away. Whether it’s a new skill at work, a leadership practice, or even a new habit at home, we demand too much, too soon. And when perfection doesn’t happen, we get discouraged, give up, or label ourselves as “bad” at it.

Behavioral science offers us a much better model: successive approximation.

Jennifer training a dolphin in Hawaii while in college

What Dolphins Can Teach Us About Learning

When I was training dolphins, we used an approach to training new behaviors called successive approximation. Which basically means, you reward approximations of the wanted behavior and over time, fine tune it. We aren't rewarding perfect behavior. We are rewarding approximations of the behavior we want.

When trainers teach a dolphin a new trick, we don’t expect the animal to leap out of the water and spin on day one. That’s never going to happen. Why? Because dolphins don't speak human. If we want them to do something, we can't just say - please jump out of the water. We instead, have to help them figure out what we are asking for by both showing and rewarding behavior that is closer to what we want. 

We reward small steps that move the dolphin closer to the final behavior. These are called approximations. If the dolphin swims near the right spot—reinforcement. If it jumps a little—reinforcement. If it starts to spin—reinforcement.

Each attempt doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be a little closer to the desired behavior. Over time, those approximations add up  and lead to the behavior we have been working towards them learning. 

And ... I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Dolphins never do any behavior perfectly. They may do something reliably (like - more often than less often when given the signal). But perfection is not something any animal trainer expects from their animals. It's just not a realistic goal. 

Humans work the same way.

Stop Chasing Perfection. Start Rewarding Progress.

The key insight is this: no behavior is ever truly perfect. We’re always refining, always improving. The healthiest mindset shift you can make is to stop expecting perfection from yourself and instead aim for incremental successive progress.

Did you do a little better than last time? That’s success.
Did you move one step closer to your goal? That’s success.
Did you learn something useful—even from failure? That’s success too.

By celebrating small wins, you create momentum. By focusing on improvement instead of perfection, you unlock resilience. 

If you are a leader - please apply this to your team! Reward them for improvement. Don't punish them for not being perfect. 

Applying Successive Approximation to Yourself

• Break it down. Don’t aim for the whole behavior at once. What’s the next small step you can take or learn?

• Track progress, not perfection. Keep your eye on improvement over time, not flawless performance.

• Reinforce the attempt. Acknowledge and celebrate your effort, even if the result wasn’t ideal.

• Never “finish” learning. Even once you’re skilled, you can keep refining. Improvement never stops.

This approach doesn’t just reduce stress—it makes learning stick. You’re rewiring your brain through practice, repetition, and reinforcement.

A Humanistic Shift in Perspective

Instead of saying, “I failed because I wasn’t perfect,” you begin to say, “I’m succeeding because I’m improving.”

That’s a radical, freeing shift. And it’s not just about learning new tricks—it’s about how you approach leadership, relationships, and life itself.

Want to Learn How to Apply This in Practice?

I teach these techniques in my course, Mastering the Five Managerial Superpowers. It’s all about using behavioral psychology to hack your brain, improve your leadership skills, and create lasting change—not by aiming for perfection, but by practicing better.

Because the goal isn’t to be perfect. The goal is to improve.

Unveiling the Secrets of "Mastering the 5 Managerial Superpowers"

I am thrilled to announce the release of my latest book, Mastering the 5 Managerial Superpowers. This is not just another book on management and leadership—it's a deep dive into the science of how you can truly gain control over your responses, hack your brain using behavioral science, and manage conflict with unprecedented effectiveness.

I honestly believe it’s the most important work I’ve ever written. Here’s why.

Foundational Skills: Building the Bedrock of Effective Leadership

At the heart of Mastering the 5 Managerial Superpowers is the concept of foundational skills. This starts with cultivating self-awareness and compassion—because understanding yourself and showing empathy towards others are the cornerstones of effective leadership.

Once you’ve laid this groundwork, you can move on to mastering self-control. This isn’t about repressing your emotions but rather about understanding them so deeply that you can choose how to respond. Instead of reacting with a knee-jerk impulse, you can respond strategically, turning every situation into an opportunity for positive outcomes.

Hacking Your Brain: The Science of Change

The second big idea in the book is about hacking your brain. I explore how you can use insights from behavioral science to literally rewire your default reactions and change how you deal with problems. Change isn’t just possible; it’s something you can engineer within yourself.

Imagine being able to shift your mindset, break free from unproductive habits, and approach challenges with a renewed sense of clarity. This book shows you how to harness the power of behavioral science to make these changes not just aspirational but achievable.

Managing Conflict: Mastering the Art of Response

Finally, Mastering the 5 Managerial Superpowers delves into one of the most critical aspects of leadership and - life: managing conflict. The key to effective conflict management isn’t just about resolving disagreements. It's about managing your own response to conflict.

By mastering the skills of self-control and strategic response, you can approach conflicts not as threats but as opportunities. This book equips you with the tools to navigate these situations with confidence and poise, ensuring that you lead by example even in the most challenging circumstances.

Why This Book Matters

In a world where change is constant and challenges are inevitable, the ability to control your responses and lead with intention is more important than ever both in your personal and professional life. Mastering the 5 Managerial Superpowers is designed to help you develop these critical skills so that you can not only survive but thrive.

The reason I think this is the best book I've ever written is because it's not just about leadership. It's about self management. And how to accomplish that using behavioral science to change how you respond. I feel like I've shared the secrets of the universe and how to be human - better - in this book. Like everything else I've written was leading up to this. It's an odd feeling to have.  

The funny thing is - I wrote this course and book, because someone asked me to. They told me the topics they wanted me to cover. I thought they were great and I wrote about my approach to self awareness, managing change, conflict management and - managing actual real people. 

The point is, whether you’re a seasoned manager, a new manager, or just want to learn how to be a better human, this book offers actionable insights  based on science that will transform the way you approach your work and your life. 

I truly believe that the tools and techniques outlined in this book can make a profound difference in your life and in your journey as a leader. Thank you for your support, and I look forward to hearing how Mastering the 5 Managerial Superpowers impacts you.

Learn More: 

The online course can be accessed at: https://humanistlearning.com/mastering-the-five-managerial-superpowers/

The paperback is at amazon: https://amzn.to/3SXJy4O

The ebooks are at amazon: https://amzn.to/3AsFvHc

and at your favorite ebook retailers through draft2digital: https://books2read.com/b/bxANgv

The audio book is in process and will be posted at the humanistlearning website once it's available.

De-escalating conflicts - online or via text

I was asked a question by someone taking my online course: How to De-Escalate Conflicts Using Science. They asked: “What happens if other person will only deal with you via internet, etc.,, not in person or on telephone?”

That was all they texted me, so I did not have the full context of their situation, and when I responded they told me they had already used my ideas to help resolve the situation and it was indeed resolved favorably. What a great endorsement of my course! 

I thought it would be helpful to share what I told him as this is a very common problem. 

How to Handle Text Conflicts

Assume you have someone you text with who you are having trouble with. So everything is written.

The problem with written communication is that we don’t have any of the normal emotional cue signaling that happens with voice tone and facial cues.  It is very, very hard to read what someone else is thinking about when you share something via text, and it is very common to read into communications things that aren’t actually there.  This is especially common if they just don’t respond.

My Advice

If they are giving no actual sign they are offended, don’t assume they are.  

If you think they might be – it is acceptable to ask them for feedback.  Is what you sent ok, are they frustrated, or angry or anything?  Most people will respond and ease your mind.  Keep in mind, some people read emails and don’t acknowledge them at all.  If you need a response, ask for one. If something is important, I usually ask for confirmation of receipt just to be sure they saw it. 

If there is an actual conflict and they are telling you something isn’t ok, it may not be possible to fix via text. So much of how we respond emotionally to others is tied to tone of voice and facial cues.   

This doesn't mean you can't try. Of course you can try. 

Taking a Humanistic Approach

Whenever I have a conflict with someone, online or in person, I go into compassion/professional mode and check my own feelings first.  I make sure that my communications are attempts to clarify and gain clarity with them. I make sure there is no animosity on my side by activating compassion.  Do I see them as fully human? Deserving of compassion?  I should. Because they are humans deserving of compassion. 

This one thing I do, is 90% of de-escalating conflicts. I have to first de-escalate myself.  

Final Word

At the end of the day if you have someone who is just refusing to communicate with you there is not much you can do. But I would not take it personally. Their communication preferences have everything to do with them and nothing to do with you.

Learn More

If you want to learn more about how to de-escalate conflicts using science and humanist philosophy - check out my course:

https://humanistlearning.com/de-escalate-conflicts/

If you want a more in-depth exploration of how to manage conflicts humanistically - I have an 8 hour certificate program in Humanistic Conflict Management

https://humanistlearning.com/conflict-management-discount-bundle/

The Road to Collaboration: Lessons from Merging Traffic

Introduction:

Driving a car can teach us valuable lessons about life, including the importance of collaboration. Merging onto a busy highway is a prime example of how working together, rather than asserting dominance, can lead to smoother traffic flow and a more pleasant experience for everyone involved. In this blog post, we'll explore three important lessons we can learn from merging traffic: the situational nature of merging, the benefits of collaboration, and how collaboration reduces stress.

Merging: A Lesson in Situational Dependence

Merging onto a highway can be compared to making ethical decisions, as both situations require careful consideration of context. Just as there is no one-size-fits-all approach to ethics, the best way to merge is situationally dependent.

Consider a long on-ramp that allows for merging over a significant distance. Some drivers merge immediately, while others wait until the end of the merge lane. Which approach is correct? It depends on the circumstances. When traffic is light and there's ample space, merging when safe is ideal. However, in heavy traffic where it's stop-and-go, going to the end and using the zipper merge technique is more efficient.

Why does this matter? It ensures that people behind you have the opportunity to enter the merge lane as well. By using all available space, you maximize everyone's chance to merge smoothly. So, when you merge at the end of the lane during slow-moving traffic, it's a collaborative act. This collaboration keeps traffic moving, even if slowly. Refusing to let others merge causes unnecessary stops and delays for everyone involved.

Collaboration Yields the Best Results

Driving teaches us that collaboration often leads to the best outcomes. In merging, it's a shared effort to keep traffic flowing. When we work together, following the zipper merge or simply allowing others to merge, we maintain a steady flow of traffic. This collaboration benefits everyone on the road.

When we view driving as a collective effort rather than a competition, we create an environment where everyone can reach their destination safely and efficiently. Your willingness to collaborate makes the road a better place for all.

Collaboration Reduces Stress and Makes a Chore Enjoyable

Think about how stressful it is when you're stuck behind a line of cars at a standstill, all because someone refused to let others merge. It's frustrating for everyone involved. Now, imagine a different scenario, one where people are courteous and collaborative. Traffic still moves slowly, but there's less tension, and the chore of commuting becomes more enjoyable.

When you let others merge, you're not only making their journey smoother but also contributing to your own sense of calm. Solidarity on the road breeds collaboration and reduces stress. We're all in this together, and when we acknowledge that, the road becomes a friendlier and less stressful place.

Conclusion:

The lessons learned from merging traffic extend far beyond the highway. We can apply these principles to various aspects of our lives, emphasizing the importance of context-dependent decision-making, collaboration, and reducing stress through cooperation.

Applying the lessons of collaboration and situational awareness from merging traffic to humanistic management is crucial for creating more effective and empathetic workplace environments. Humanistic management recognizes that different situations and individuals require tailored approaches. Just as merging strategies depend on traffic conditions, ethical and management decisions should consider the specific context and the diverse needs of employees. Embracing collaboration in leadership fosters a culture where employees are valued, teamwork is encouraged, and individual strengths are leveraged for the collective good. Just as collaboration reduces stress on the road, it can reduce workplace stress, enhance job satisfaction, and ultimately lead to more successful and harmonious organizations. In humanistic management, as on the highway, the mantra remains the same: good things happen when we collaborate and consider the context.

So, next time you find yourself behind the wheel, remember that the road is a shared space where collaboration and consideration lead to better outcomes for everyone. Just as letting others merge helps keep traffic moving, embracing collaboration in our daily lives can lead to smoother journeys and more positive outcomes. It's a lesson well worth heeding: good things happen when we collaborate.

Learning Through Failing: Lessons Learned from Playing Solitaire

I play a LOT of online solitaire. I'm regularly ranked in the top 20 in Microsoft Casual Games Solitaire and recently completed their 10,000 point challenge in record time. I ranked in the top 10 in that challenge.  

To get there, I played a lot of solitaire and that meant failing. A lot. But, I got better, to the point I'm really good at it now.  

Failure is a given. 

Random decks might not be solvable at all. When I was younger, I never understood why my mother loved playing solitaire given that she failed to clear the deck on most hands. I now understand that failure is part of why it's so challenging. Failure is not a bug - it's a feature. 

In our pursuit of success and personal growth, it's essential to embrace the valuable lessons that failure offers. One unexpected source of such insights can be found in a seemingly simple game of solitaire. This classic card game, known for its challenging nature, presents a treasure trove of wisdom on perseverance, resilience, and the power of learning through failure. In this blog post, we'll explore the lessons we can glean from solitaire and how they can be applied to various aspects of our lives.

Stick to it – It's OK to Fail – Failing is Learning:

Solitaire teaches us the importance of persistence and accepting failure as an integral part of the learning process. When playing the game, it's not uncommon to encounter obstacles and make mistakes. However, the key is to keep going, learn from each setback, and adapt your strategy accordingly. By sticking with the game, you develop resilience, patience, and an understanding that failure is not the end but an opportunity for learning what not to do, which is valuable. There is an old saying, an expert is someone who has learned all the wrong ways to do something and so knows to avoid them. 

It's OK to Put It Down and Pick It Up Later:

Sometimes, when faced with a challenging solitaire game, it's beneficial to take a step back and approach it with fresh eyes later on. Often I find a puzzle I can't solve one day, is easy the next. The puzzle hasn't changed, but my approach has. 

Similarly, in life, it's essential to give ourselves permission to step away from a problem or situation that seems insurmountable. By allowing ourselves to take a break and gain a new perspective, we often discover innovative solutions or approaches that were previously elusive. Remember, it's not always about pushing harder; sometimes, it's about creating space for creativity and reflection.

Improvement Comes with Practice:

Solitaire, like any skill, requires practice to master. Each game presents an opportunity to refine your strategies, enhance your decision-making skills, and develop a deeper understanding of the game's mechanics. It also takes time for our brain to learn the patterns and to see them more quickly.

If you follow me, you know that I am both a Humanist and a Behaviorist. The behaviorist in me knows, every game is training my brain to recognize patterns and to see solutions and predict the right course of action more quickly. The reason I am ranked so high is because I not only get the puzzles right, I do them quicker than most of the the other 500k people doing the puzzles on any given day.  Practice helps the brain learn patterns it can then use to solve problems easier. 

Similarly, in life, improvement and growth come through consistent effort and practice. Embrace the iterative nature of learning, understanding that every failure brings you one step closer to success. With each game of solitaire, you become more adept at spotting patterns, making calculated moves, and optimizing your chances of winning. The same principle applies to any endeavor in life.

How does this relate to Humanistic Management?

Surprisingly, the game of solitaire can offer valuable insights into the practice of humanistic management, particularly in terms of learning through failure. Let's explore how the principles of humanistic management can be related to the lessons we learn from solitaire, ultimately fostering a more compassionate and growth-oriented approach in our personal and professional lives.

Nurturing Individual Growth and Resilience:

In humanistic management, the focus is on supporting the growth and well-being of individuals within an organization. Similarly, solitaire teaches us to embrace failure as an opportunity for personal growth. By encouraging players to persevere through challenging games, solitaire cultivates resilience and an understanding that setbacks are part of the learning process. Relating this to humanistic management, organizations should create an environment that encourages individuals to take risks, learn from mistakes, and grow both personally and professionally.

Learning from Failure and Encouraging Innovation:

Humanistic management promotes a learning culture that values open communication, feedback, and continuous improvement. In solitaire, each failed game presents an opportunity to analyze mistakes and adjust strategies accordingly. Likewise, organizations should foster a culture that celebrates failures as valuable learning experiences. By embracing failure and encouraging individuals to share their lessons learned, organizations can drive innovation, creativity, and the pursuit of new solutions.

Balancing Well-being and Productivity:

Humanistic management recognizes the importance of balancing well-being and productivity, understanding that individuals perform better when their physical, mental, and emotional needs are met. Solitaire teaches us the significance of taking breaks and gaining fresh perspectives to overcome challenges. Similarly, organizations should promote work-life balance, provide support systems, and create spaces for rejuvenation. By doing so, employees can return to their tasks with renewed focus and enhanced problem-solving abilities.

Cultivating a Growth Mindset and Continuous Learning:

A fundamental aspect of humanistic management is the belief in the potential for growth and development in every individual. Solitaire teaches us that improvement comes with practice and a growth mindset. Relating this to humanistic management, organizations should provide opportunities for training, skill development, and learning. Encouraging individuals to continuously enhance their knowledge and skills fosters a sense of fulfillment, personal growth, and a thriving organizational culture.

Learn More:

Are you ready to become a more humanistic leader? Look no further than the Principles of Humanistic Leadership course, offered by Humanist Learning Systems. This course beautifully aligns with the insights we've explored in this blog post, "Embracing Humanistic Management: Lessons from Solitaire on Learning Through Failure." By enrolling in this course, you will delve deeper into the principles of humanistic management and discover practical strategies to implement them in your leadership role. Just as solitaire teaches us the value of perseverance, embracing failure, and nurturing personal growth, this course will equip you with the knowledge and skills to become a compassionate and effective leader. 

Course: https://humanistlearning.com/principles-of-humanistic-leadership/

Book: https://humanistlearning.com/book-and-video-principles-of-humanistic-leadership/