Stop complaining and start helping

It is very easy to feel overwhelmed when we are constantly being told to be afraid and upset and outraged by the media we consume.  The solution? Stop complaining and start helping.

I am a Humanist. I believe people are basically good. It's sometimes hard to believe that when I keep being told negative things about things negative people have done.  But I still believe it to be true.

Why? Because most of the people I come in contact with - from the wide variety of backgrounds they have - are good people.  Most people are good.

I teach how to stop bullying and harassment in the workplace using behavioral science. You would think that would make me focus on the bullies of the world.  But most people who we think are bullies, aren't bullies. Most are good people with issues who are having trouble coping with whatever is going on in their lives.

This doesn't mean that really toxic people don't exist. They do. It's more that - they are actually really rare.

When I do a training in a company - what normally happens is that everyone starts behaving better in an attempt to get the person they are in conflict with - to behave more badly.  The reality is - people allowed their beliefs to bias how they experienced interactions. Believe someone is bad - everything they do is suspect - even if what they are doing is totally normal.

When you stop treating people as if they are enemies - they often stop acting as if they are your enemy.

Adding to the anger and negativity of the world doesn't help you or anyone else feel better. Reach out to others with compassion.  Focus on problem solving instead of blaming.  You may just find that you have more in common with other people than you realize. The key - is being open to the possiblity that other people are - good.

So stop complaining about other people and start helping your fellow humans solve their problems. 

Self Care

When you can’t help others, help yourself.

Compassion for self is as important as compassion for others. As Humanists we seek to live lives of personal fulfillment that aspire to the greater good of humanity. We know our meaning and purpose comes from helping others and working to benefit others.

The problem is that we can’t always help other people. Sometimes we are the ones who need help;  We all get sick. Sometimes very sick. We all have ups and downs emotionally. And sometimes there just isn’t enough fuel in the tank to help and care for others.  In those moments we need to care for themselves.

I am a mom. This means I have a kid who relies on me to provide food, clothing, shelter and emotional stability.  I am lucky that the first 3 of those are covered. Where I struggle is with emotional stability.

Struggle isn’t really the word. Most of the time it’s easy. I’m there for him.  But sometimes, I have my own anxieties and I can’t give him my full attention.  I get antsy and anxious and feel like if I have to listen to him talk about Minecraft for another moment, I’m going to burst.

It is in those moments, that to provide emotional stability for him, I have to be clear about what MY needs are.  When I do this – he knows to modulate his behavior so that I can have the head space I need for a moment. This is better for him and for me because instead of blowing up, I can calmly say – hey – this is what I need right now. He feels good that he can give back to me for a moment and I feel good that I’m teaching him self care and self advocacy through modeling.

Whether you are dealing with professional obligations or personal ones, self care is essential. Knowing what your limits are helps you to make sure that you are emotionally capable of caring for others. Taking short breaks to clear your head isn’t selfish. It’s self care. It’s what makes it so you can help others instead of being wrapped up in your own drama all the time.

So care for yourself. View it as mental maintenance to keep your brain and your body functioning so that you can do the good deeds for others you want to.

I talk about this concept more in my book: The Humanist Approach to Happiness: https://humanistlearning.com/the-humanist-approach-to-happiness-book/

And also discuss how to balance compassion for yourself with compassion for others in the course Living Made Simpler: https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

Order out of Chaos: Setting Priorities

Don’t have the time to prioritize? Don't sabotage yourself. Make the time!

We just got through the holiday season. It was probably chaotic for a bit. Our schedules are not the same. We have obligations that take up time. We have cleaning and sorting and laundry and cards to do. The holidays are often chaotic for most of us. Even the most organized among us.

 Hopefully, now that it is January we can start to create order out of the chaos. But how do we do that. Well, by setting priorities.  You have a ton of things that need to be done. But organizing them and saying I’m doing this first and this  2nd and so forth, you create order out of the chaos. That’s what prioritizing does for you.

As soon as I start to feel overwhelmed, I create a list, figure out what’s important and what isn’t and create order out of chaos for myself.

If you feel like you don’t’ have time to get organized, you are just prolonging your pain and making excuses. Make the time. Chaos doesn’t magically just disappear on its own. There is this thing called entropy. In order to create order out of chaos, you have to put energy into the system. Put the time in to setting priorities and you will find order.

This is hugely important for your mental health, so don’t skirt your responsibilities. Figure out what you need to do and what would be nice to do and act accordingly.

Feeling Overwhelmed?

Learning how to take 1 thing at a time is a critical skill for leaders.

My dad died a couple of months ago. I bring this up not for sympathy but because it left me feeling overwhelmed. I simply didn’t have the brain power to do much of anything besides grieve. And that’s ok. It’s kind of expected with grief.

The problem is that the world doesn’t stop when I feel overwhelmed. I still had things to do, a family to care for, work related tasks and publication deadlines to make. As much as I might want to scream – stop the world I want to get off – it’s not going to happen.

One thing at a time

I find that when I am overwhelmed, I need to not look at the enormity of the task or tasks in front of me, but just focus on 1 thing at a time and get that 1 thing done.  Once it is done, I can do the next thing.

The hard part in doing one thing at a time is not worrying about the other things that also need to get done. To help me with this – I write out a timeline – what all needs to get done. Knowing that I am not going to miss something helps me focus in the present on the 1 thing I need to do. When I am done, I look at the list for the next thing.

And when other things come up that I need to deal with – I look at my list. It’s either time for me to work on that other thing or it’s not. My to do list helps me to reject intrusions that I can’t handle at the moment. I might add them to a to do later list, but I’m not taking them on right at this minute.

What I find when I do this is that by allowing myself to be overwhelmed and allowing myself to restrict my activities to just those things that I really have to do and by doing them 1 thing at a time, I fairly quickly stop feeling so overwhelmed and am able to return to normal activity levels sooner rather than later.

Be Realistic

At this stage in my life I have no illusions about what I can handle and what I can’t. And I know that I don’t do anyone any favors by pretending I’m ok when I’m really not.

We all get overwhelmed. That’s ok. Not taking care of yourself just makes things worse. Trying to soldier on through and get things done when you aren’t capable of it only means that the things you do get done don’t get done well and you will continue to feel stressed out and overwhelmed and you will not be performing at the level you should be.

The most effective way to get back to a high level of performance is to take a break and to focus on 1 thing at a time and do it well so that your brain can relax. If your brain is so stressed it can’t think well, give it a break. The sooner you acknowledge your frail humanity, the sooner you can do what you need to do to take care of yourself and get better.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, take it 1 day at a time and 1 task at a time. You have my permission.  These are boundaries you need to set for yourself so that you can take care of others. Good luck.

Feeling Overwhelmed?

If you are doing too much, goal setting can help you prioritize.

If you are competent, you are busy. Sometimes too busy. People are always asking you to help out and take on a bit more work. So in addition to your work, your family and the upkeep of the house, you also have volunteering and hobbies and well, life.

I am also an entrepreneur. There are all sorts of things I could and should be doing to support my business, but the reality is, I have time constraints. I can’t do everything.

Yet, I don’t feel overwhelmed. My secret? I understand my goals so that I can prioritize.

Knowing what you want to accomplish, and more importantly why you want to accomplish helps you sort through the day to day demands and prioritize those that are critical, that that need to be done and those that would be nice to do.

Lots of people have a to do list. What they have trouble with is deciding which stuff can wait. In order to prioritize your to-do list, you have to know why those items are on your list in the first place.

We have primary goals and secondary goals and then intermediary goals that help us achieve our secondary and primary goals.  My primary goal is to live life fully and to leave the world a better place.  All my secondary goals, like create a business to help people learn how to stop bullies are in support of my primary goal.  My intermediate goals, like call on companies to talk to them about buying my sexual harassment trainings, are intermediate goals, designed to help me achieve my secondary goal which will help me achieve my primary goal of making the world a better place.

The reason it’s important to have a goal hierarchy is because you can’t prioritize your to-do list if your goals your to-do list are in support of aren’t prioritized! When I am in a time crunch, I look at my to do list and it’s very easy to sort into must do and can wait. Why? Because I have my priorities straight.

To learn more how to do this – take my ecourse: Planning for Personal Success at:  https://humanistlearning.com/planforpersonalsuccess/