Empower Yourself

Empowerment is solving your problem - not waiting for someone else to solve it for you.

We all do it. We all take the lazy route. It is easier for us to wait for someone else to solve our problems, then to solve it ourselves. The problem is - our problems rarely get solved this way.

The other day, in an online group I'm part of, someone asked if anyone suffers from misophonia and how they deal with it. The woman in question has gotten to the point where she can't stand to hear her husband eat. She wanted to know if there was a way to get her husband to stop eating so loudly.

She was viewing her problem all wrong. She was putting the onus on solving her problem - on her husband - who honestly - wasn't doing anything wrong.  If she took responsibility to solve her problem, she might have been able to fix it  - without putting pressure on him.

First, lots of people have misophonia. For instance, I can't stand the sound of people eating gum near me. Especially if they are standing behind me. Drives me nuts. 

My mother also has misophonia. She couldn't stand the sound of my father eating.  Her solution?  Aircraft earmuffs. The type that are so heavy duty - they block out the sound of aircraft engines.  At mealtime, she would don her earmuffs and eat with the family - in peace.

Her solution was empowered. She solved her problem. She didn't wait for someone else to solve it. And this is especially important because - eating noises happen. If you can't stand them - take responsibility  - and use technology - to block out the offending noise.   THAT is what EMPOWERMENT is. Taking the power and responsibility - for yourself - and solving your problems - in a way that doesn't harm anyone else.

This is similar to the situation in the car - http://humanisthappiness.blogspot.com/2018/05/have-compassion-driving-edition.html   Have compassion. Make it your responsibility. Solve your problems in a way that don't cause problems for someone else. 

Coming to terms with your inability to control your fate

You can’t control everything in your life and trying to will only make things worse.

Not being in control is stressful. Not knowing how things are going to turn out is scary. It would be nice if we could be assured of everything going our way. But that’s unrealistic.

The universe does not conspire to help you out. It doesn’t conspire to hurt you either. It’s not sentient so it doesn’t really think.

Other people do though. And they may or may not be trying to help you and a few of them may actually try to harm you for their own gain. That’s life. That’s what we all have to deal with. And some of us come into this life with a better hand and more privilege than others.

I’m not going to get into the subject of privilege here. What I want to talk about is how we best make do given the difficulties we have and the fact that we are going to have to work to get anything we want because – again, the universe isn’t going to magically provide for us.

The first step is to accept that reality. You don’t have control over everything in your life. You don’t’ have control over other people. You only have control of yourself and your choices. And your choices have an impact. In fact, your choices impact your future ability to make choices.

Each choice has a consequence. Those consequences can be good, bad or indifferent. While you can’t guarantee whether any given choice will result in a good outcome, you can change the odds to your favor and the cumulative effect of changing the odds slightly to your favor over the course of your life is astonishing.

Take for instance the choice to drive drunk or not.  Driving drunk doesn’t guarantee you will get in an accident. Driving sober doesn’t guarantee you will get to where you are going alive. All that choice does is change the odds – to your favor or against you.

You make hundreds of decisions every day. What to eat, who to have sex with, whether to have sex, etc. The cumulative impact of all those choices, either in your favor or against you – impacts the quality of your life. The more you choose to do things that improve your odds, the more likely good things will happen to you.

You don’t have a lot of control over what happens to you. But you do have some control. If you want to be successful, it would be stupid to leave your fate totally to chance.  Smart people make choices to improve their odds and they do this consistently throughout their lives.

If you want to learn more about how to exercise more control over your life and to improve your chances of success, however you define that, consider taking Planning for Personal Success – a Humanist Approach online course. Both of these will help you with your personal development.

Why don't we stand up for ourselves?

3 tools of empowerment. How knowledge and training can help you overcome your worst fears. 

It isn’t that we are meek. It is more that we just don’t like conflict. Most of us would rather avoid conflict than stand up for ourselves. And, honestly, most of the time this strategy works because most conflicts are over really rather stupid things and walking away from the conflict is the smartest thing you can do.

However, sometimes, it’s not.  Sometimes avoiding conflict makes us feel like cowards. This is especially true when dealing with a bully or someone who is causing harm to others. Knowing what the right thing to do is in any given situation isn’t easy. That’s why we all stress over it.  For instance, the other day, I called the police about a domestic disturbance in the neighborhood. Several neighbors and I were discussing whether we should call the police or not and that is when I decided it was the right thing to do. It wasn’t a violent conflict, but I realized that if it had us all worried, that it was better to err on the side of caution rather than waiting to see how things played out.

Standing up for yourself and others is never easy, but there are ways you can empower yourself to do the right thing. 

• Make it your responsibility. Don’t wait for other people to come and save you or save that other person. Help won’t come unless it is requested. So request help. Choosing to be responsible is often all it takes to overcome your fears and spur yourself into action.

• Get educated. Know what your options are. Many times we are stuck and allow things to continue because we just don’t know what the alternative is. If something is bothering you, find out what those alternatives are so that you give yourself options.

•  Get trained. Knowing what to say, how to say it, when to intervene, or when to ask for help is key.  For instance, knowing CPR empowers you to save a life, if necessary. Knowing what to say to a bully and how to say it empowers you to stand up, not only for yourself but for others.

The point is, don’t just continue to suffer and feel sorry for yourself or feel bad that you didn’t act when you know in your heart you should have. Make it your responsibility to learn what you need to know in order to not sit idly by the next time it happens.

Have you ever regretted not standing up for someone or for yourself? What did you do to empower yourself? Share your story. Help us all learn how to do and be better.