Balance: Everything Requires It

A man does not show his greatness by being at one extremity, but rather by touching both at once." ~ Blaise Pascal

 
I have several quotes I use to remind myself of philosophic truths to help me navigate difficult situations. This is one of them. It’s a reminder to me to see balance. Whenever I find myself drifting into a rigid ideology, or I find myself arguing with someone thinking I am right and they are wrong, I think of this quote. It’s a reminder to myself that we both can be right. The opposite of a great truth is often another great truth.

Holding one truth to the exclusion of other truths doesn’t help us solve our problems or win friends and influence others. Seeking a balance between extremes – both of which are true, is a good way to try and navigate life. That way you are taking advantage of all that is good and hopefully avoiding the pitfalls that come with being at an extreme.

Here are some opposites that are both good but that need to be balanced to achieve success.

Skepticism/Optimism

Skepticism is good. It keeps you honest and keeps you from making mistakes. But taken to an extreme and all things become equal and relative and it is impossible to make decisions because skepticism devolves into nihilism. Which isn’t good.

Optimism is also a good quality – in moderation. Taken to an extreme and you get unrealistic wishful thinking that not only doesn’t help you solve your problems, the lack of realistic thinking makes it nearly impossible to solve problems.

Balancing skepticism with optimism helps you be both skeptical and optimistic at the same time. Helping you to avoid nihilism and flights of fantasy to tread a more realistic path to your goals.

                Responsibility to self and to others

Responsibility is a good thing. It gives our lives meaning and purpose.  Too much responsibility and we become overwhelmed and break down.   If we only think of ourselves, we are selfish. If we only think of others, we are self-less, but not in a good way.

In order to thrive we need to balance self-care with care for others.  If we don’t care for ourselves, we cannot care for others. Balance is needed.

                Capitalism/Socialism

I am like aspects of both capitalism and socialism.  Capitalism is a pretty decent system for allowing individuals to work on what they think is important. Laissez faire capitalism is exploitative and cruel.

Socialism in moderation is also good. It helps us think of our impact on others and to collaborate for the public good. Socialism taken to an extreme, where only the community good matters, as with capitalism, also becomes exploitative and cruel. 

 The problem in both cases (extreme capitalism and extreme socialism) is that care and concern for individuals gets lost in the ideology when taken to extreme. This is unfortunate because in their moderate versions, they are both systems designed to promote the welfare of the individual!

Balance helps us remember in our pursuit of happiness (capitalism) that other people matter too  (socialism). Finding the middle ground helps us get the benefits of both systems without devolving into exploitation of the individual to advance a “greater good”

                Autonomy/Social Responsibility

This last one also requires balance. We are all autonomous individuals, but no one is or should be an island. Humans in isolation go crazy. We are tribal animals and need our tribe to feel secure. Which is why we need community.

But just as care of others (social responsibility) is a good thing, too much means the loss of the individual or the subsuming of the individual to the greater good of the community.

When we seek balance between our need for autonomy and the need to be socially responsible we realize that by helping the community thrive, we help ourselves thrive – as individuals. It’s not either or, we only really thrive when we do both – in balance.

Conclusion:

When you find yourself struggling along some dimension in your life, or in your work, the problem is probably caused  by you valuing one ideal over it’s opposite ideal and if you remind yourself to balance those competing ideals, you will probably get a better result.

Try it and let me know how it goes.

Ethical Interactions

A true leader is someone other people want to emulate. Treating other people with respect is step one.

There is a lot of discussion about ethical leadership.  We want our leaders to be ethical. But what does that really mean?

Ethical leaders are people who make ethical decisions, certainly. But it’s also about how they interact with and treat other people.  And this is really the big secret about ethics. Ethics isn’t about how we should behave. It’s about how we want other people to treat us.

If people are honest with us, it makes our lives easier. If they consider us as someone worthy of basic justice, it makes our lives easier.  If they treat us with respect, it feels great because we know, they are less likely to lie, cheat or steal from us.  Ethics is about us, and our goals dreams and desires and how WE want to be treated.

When you understand this, you begin to understand how important it is to extend the same sort of respect you want to others.  And yes, this is a lot like the golden rule. Treat others as you wish to be treated. But it goes deeper than that.

The reason to make sure your interactions with other people is ethical is not just because you should. It’s because these other people have a choice. They are autonomous and want to be treated with respect to and ethical people don’t tolerate unethical behavior for very long. They will not want to hang out or do business with you if you yourself are not ethical! Plus treating other people ethically also makes you feel good. Being ethical is something you do for you because it’s how YOU want to be treated. I really don’t understand why people choose otherwise.

To make sure your interactions are ethical, start by considering whether you are approaching other people with respect.

Ethics are grounded in respect. Every human rights document and Humanist manifesto starts with a foundational statement that every human is worthy of dignity and respect. This is not just a catch phrase. It actually means something pretty important. Every person you meet, everywhere in the world is a real person and they are worthy of the respect that you would give to any fully autonomous human. When you get this, it changes everything.

When we don’t consider other people as fully autonomous, we tend to see them through the lens of our own needs and wants and that’s not only not very respectful, it’s also not very effective and it can causes us to put our own needs, wants and desires above the other persons. And that is what leads us to behave unethically.

In contract, when you recognize and respect the autonomy of other people, your expectations for them change. They are no longer someone who either helps you or hurts you. They are someone you are hoping will help you and not hurt you. This no longer about you – it’s about them. This slight shift in focus is what real respect feels like. And it has a profound impact on how you treat other people and how you are treated by them in return.

When you view someone with respect, you see yourself in them. You are them to a certain extent and the thought of hurting them by being unethical becomes unthinkable. This is the truth that all the different variations of the golden rule try to capture.  It’s about recognizing and respecting the reality of the human you are interacting with and treating them accordingly.

How to talk to people as if they were human

3 tips to improve your interpersonal communications

The problem with being human is that we are pretty much stuck inside our own heads.  From our point of view, the world kind of revolves around us.  All interactions we experience involve us. When people talk to us, we are experiencing only our emotions and how the other person makes us feel. We may be intellectually aware of the other person’s emotions, but what concerns us most, is our own response to what is going on.

This self-centeredness interferes with interpersonal communications and relationships. Why? Because it causes us to misinterpret and misunderstand what the other person is really trying to communicate.  So here are 3 tips to help you improve your interpersonal communications by helping you learn to talk to the other person as if they were actually human.

1) Respect – the other person isn’t you. They are them. Respect their individuality and autonomy.  You don’t know exactly what they are experiencing or why they are experiencing it. If they are emotional, it may be about you, but it may not. Don’t assume you know. They may have had a bad day or gotten bad news. Don’t assume they are reacting to what you are reacting to because they aren’t. They are living in their own little world and if you respect that, you will respect them and you will improve your communications and relationships because people like to be respected. And no, this isn’t something you can fake.


2) Step Back – accept that your understanding of what is going on is flawed. You are experiencing the communication from your point of view. They are experiencing it from their point of view. It is possible to consciously step back from your point of view to actively consider the other person’s point of view. And a rather “magical” thing happens when you do that. You come to understand the other person better and the other person is more likely to feel “heard.” This will again, improve your communications and interpersonal relationships.


3) Compassion – if things are tense, accept that they are. That doesn't mean you have to be tense. In fact, if one person in a conflict de-escalates, it improves the chances that the other person will as well. So, if you find yourself getting angry, have compassion for yourself and remember, it’s OK to be angry. But will that serve you well right now? Probably not. Make a conscious choice to not be the center of the universe for a short period of time and extend your compassion to the other person. This usually helps defuse and de-escalate things, which will work to your advantage. And if it doesn't de-escalate them, because they are so wound up they can’t calm down, you won’t be part of the problem.