Diversity – Age and Millennials

Diversity has many dimensions. It’s root is difference and how we manage differences between people.

There are so many ways humans differ from one another. Sometimes we differ because of culture, gender, race, religion, age, and economic status.

I want to focus right now on age differences as I was asked about this by a client. If you have a big enough business, you have employees that range from young 20 somethings to people of retirement age.  And the differences between the life experiences of the people in the almost ready to retire group are totally different from those just starting out.

Not only is an older person more likely to be married and own a home, they are also more likely to have grown up without electronics (aside from a tv that probably didn’t have a remote) and had an amazing amount of personal freedom in their childhood along with possible mandatory military service.

Young people just entering the workforce, on the other hand, grew up as digital natives. They didn’t have a lot of freedom as children as their parents were too afraid to let them play outside by themselves. They’ve had no shared experience like military service and they have yet to get married and have kids. (check out the research on millennials here - http://www.pewresearch.org/topics/millennials/)

What you need to know about these “differences” is that they are generalizations.  There is no stereotypical baby boomer and there is no stereotypical millennial. Yes, millennials are more narcissistic than boomers (but not by much. Whereas ~15% of boomers are narcissistic – ~17% of millennials are – which isn’t a really big difference when you think about it).

What I’m trying to say is that do not treat any individual millennial or boomer as if they were stereotypical. They aren’t. They are an individual. And as an individual, they could vary quite a bit from what the “average” person of their age group is said to be like based on the data.

As Steven Pinker states in his book The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature - “Equality is not the empirical claim that all groups of humans are interchangeable; it is the moral principle that individuals should not be judged or constrained by the average properties of their group.”

When faced with diversity of any kind, what you should strive to do is to treat people like the individual they are. Get to know them as individuals and don’t resort to stereotyping them just because they aren’t the same as you.

It’s this last bit that gets to the crux of the problem people have with diversity. We want everyone to be perfect for us. We expect other people to respond to us the way we want them to respond to us.

But, I’ve got news for you. The world doesn’t revolve around you and you are unique. Even within your age cohort, ethnic group, gender etc, there is a tremendous amount of diversity!  Allow other people to be who they are and stop trying to impose your ideas of who they should be on them.

If you allow them to be who they are, they may just surprise you by knowing something you don’t that will help make you a better person and your company more effective. Don’t let the lack of shared cultural experiences throw you off. These other people are still human and still want and need the same things that all humans do. To belong and to be respected.

Ethical Interactions

A true leader is someone other people want to emulate. Treating other people with respect is step one.

There is a lot of discussion about ethical leadership.  We want our leaders to be ethical. But what does that really mean?

Ethical leaders are people who make ethical decisions, certainly. But it’s also about how they interact with and treat other people.  And this is really the big secret about ethics. Ethics isn’t about how we should behave. It’s about how we want other people to treat us.

If people are honest with us, it makes our lives easier. If they consider us as someone worthy of basic justice, it makes our lives easier.  If they treat us with respect, it feels great because we know, they are less likely to lie, cheat or steal from us.  Ethics is about us, and our goals dreams and desires and how WE want to be treated.

When you understand this, you begin to understand how important it is to extend the same sort of respect you want to others.  And yes, this is a lot like the golden rule. Treat others as you wish to be treated. But it goes deeper than that.

The reason to make sure your interactions with other people is ethical is not just because you should. It’s because these other people have a choice. They are autonomous and want to be treated with respect to and ethical people don’t tolerate unethical behavior for very long. They will not want to hang out or do business with you if you yourself are not ethical! Plus treating other people ethically also makes you feel good. Being ethical is something you do for you because it’s how YOU want to be treated. I really don’t understand why people choose otherwise.

To make sure your interactions are ethical, start by considering whether you are approaching other people with respect.

Ethics are grounded in respect. Every human rights document and Humanist manifesto starts with a foundational statement that every human is worthy of dignity and respect. This is not just a catch phrase. It actually means something pretty important. Every person you meet, everywhere in the world is a real person and they are worthy of the respect that you would give to any fully autonomous human. When you get this, it changes everything.

When we don’t consider other people as fully autonomous, we tend to see them through the lens of our own needs and wants and that’s not only not very respectful, it’s also not very effective and it can causes us to put our own needs, wants and desires above the other persons. And that is what leads us to behave unethically.

In contract, when you recognize and respect the autonomy of other people, your expectations for them change. They are no longer someone who either helps you or hurts you. They are someone you are hoping will help you and not hurt you. This no longer about you – it’s about them. This slight shift in focus is what real respect feels like. And it has a profound impact on how you treat other people and how you are treated by them in return.

When you view someone with respect, you see yourself in them. You are them to a certain extent and the thought of hurting them by being unethical becomes unthinkable. This is the truth that all the different variations of the golden rule try to capture.  It’s about recognizing and respecting the reality of the human you are interacting with and treating them accordingly.

How to get along with nearly anyone by applying Humanism

My advice for getting along with people is to see them for who they are and not who you assume them or need them to be.

Most of our interactions with other people are egocentric. We see and experience other people through our own lens of experience, and through our own needs.

But other people are fully human. They aren't cardboard cutout walk ons in the movie of your life that stars you. They are the stars of their own movies. So stop trying to make them be someone they aren't. And stop getting mad at them when they fail to be who you needed them to be. Instead, accept them for who they are – flaws and all – and give them the space they need to be themselves.

Humanism encourages us to treat each other as fully human. This helps us treat each other better.

It’s amazing how much this one thing – compassion for others – changes everything.

Let It Be

Allow others to be who they are, even if who they are annoys you.

You aren’t going to get along with everyone. Nor should you expect to. It would be nice if everyone got along but we are all too different. We have different ideas, different experiences, different agendas, different knowledge, and different personalities. We are all different.

Mostly, those differences are a good thing, but they can also be annoying and frustrating, especially when we are trying to get something done and someone as a different opinion.

Beyond that it is also possible that the basic way someone acts can annoy you. Maybe they talk too loud or have an annoying habit that drives you up the wall. It doesn’t matter what it is, if you are to maintain your sanity and deal with them productively, you have to find some way to deal with your annoyance.

I do this by accepting that the other person is who they are. There is a reason they behave as they do and believe the things they do even if I don’t understand it or I think they are wrong.

Most of the reason why we get stressed out and annoyed is because we want them to stop. The question we have to ask ourselves is, would it be beneficial to them to stop, or would it just benefit me. Because if it is just me, then I need to keep it to myself and allow them to be who they are. The problem isn’t with them, it’s with me.

The next question is, assuming it would benefit them to stop, because it is interfering not just with our relationship but with others as well is this – are they capable of or even interested in changing? If so, helping them to learn how to tweak their behaviors slightly would be helpful. If not, then it would be pointless.  How do you know which it is? By approaching them politely and compassionately in a spirit of helpfulness. If you are rebuked and they aren’t interested, let it be.

You can’t change other people. You can make suggestions, but ultimately, they are the ones who have to live with the consequences of their actions and if they are fine with the consequences of being annoying, let it be.

If you are waiting for the annoying people of the world to go away before you can find peace, you are going to wait a very long time. Instead of trying to change other people, focus on the fact that you aren’t as perfect or as wonderful as you should be either. Work on improving yourself and learn how to calm your mind and find peace even amongst the most annoying of people, you will be a better happier person.

To help you with your meditations on this subject, here are The Beatles with Let it Be