Basic Interpersonal Relationship Soft Skills 101

Compassionate rational people meet upset and traumatized people where they are to help them. They don't go on about how this other person's trauma isn't valid or not important or that your intent is more important than their trauma. Whatever happened, is important - to them. And that is what matters to them in the moment.

Now, let's apply these same skills to discussions about racism and sexism and whatever else -ism.

I recently responded to a post by Heterodox Academy. Heterodox Academy is a group of 5,000+ professors, administrators, K-12 educators, staff & students who believe diverse viewpoints & open inquiry are critical to research & learning. https://heterodoxacademy.org/ 

They posted this essay in newsweek from one of their members. https://www.newsweek.com/when-it-comes-fighting-racism-intentions-context-matter-opinion-1582459

It's a good essay and nuanced. I responded to the pull out quote out of context which was, ""A major tenet of anti-racist activism is that intentions don't matter. When an individual speaks a word or asks a question, whether he or she meant to hurt listeners' feelings or to enact a racial microaggression—or to engage in good-faith dialogue—is irrelevant. The impact on listeners is all that should be addressed..."    

I disagree as I don't think that intentions don't matter to anti-racist activists. I think the statement itself is a flawed assumption. Intentions do matter, but may be irrelevant as what is being said may be a factual matter. 

Here is my response.

I'm not sure the first sentence is true. It may be how people who are told - something they said or did is racist - experience it. But that's not necessarily the intent of the person pointing it out. I think it's a communication problem and it stems from being too defensive to listen and understand. What if we reframe this into - this is constructive criticism and not an attack? 

I know from my own personal experience that the first time I experienced this, I was a complete idiot. At the time, some really nice people tried to explain to me why the way I understood what was being said wasn't what they were actually saying at all. And I still didn't get it and couldn't hear it properly. The problem was I was translating what they were saying into an attack on me and that wasn't what they were saying at all. At the time, I didn't get it though I appreciated their obvious intent to help me understand. The problem was that I was too busy defending myself to listen to what they were actually saying. And my defensiveness was TOTALLY unnecessary and counter productive. 

What I understand now is that they were assuming was that I was a good person and that I wanted to be an ally to them and that I would want to know that I was accidentally saying something racist that I had no idea was racist because I didn't know the history of whatever it was. They were providing me constructive feedback. I experienced it as - they don't care that I'm a good person and my intent wasn't' racist at all. What I didn't understand is that they already knew about my context and intent. This wasn't the first time they experienced this sort of thing. It was my first time experience it. Not theirs. 

Now for some loving truth. You simply don't give constructive feedback to people who have bad intentions. I think the overwhelming majority of anti-racist activists understand intentions matter and are assuming the people they are talking to would want to know they are saying something - racist and would want to know more. The problem is, keeping the person you are giving constructive feedback to, from getting defensive.  If you have an image of yourself as a good person and someone says, whoa, that wasn't good, it's natural to get defensive. And when it comes to matters of racism, we should all acknowledge that there is simply no good way to tell a family member or friend that they are sharing Lost Cause propaganda without them feeling attacked.  And yet, it wouldn't be kind to let them continue without correction.

You know they are not racist. You know them to be a good loving person. Someone who would never knowingly share KKK originated propaganda that's been used by white supremacists for over a century. And yet, they just did. Their intent is totally irrelevant at this point because they did just shared well known and historically documented racist KKK propaganda. Good intentions don't mean racist propaganda isn't racist propaganda. That's just a statement of fact. But ... people respond to being told that what they just shared was KKK propaganda as if they are being attacked. That is how they experience receiving this factual information.

The reality is, they aren't being attacked. They are being treated as well intentioned allies who made a mistake and are being given constructive factual and historical feedback. 

So - to answer the question - why doesn't intent matter when we are talking about racism, sexism or other forms of oppression? Because it's irrelevant when we are talking about a factual historical matter. To deny the historical facts, is to deny history and reality. 

The correct way to respond to being told you made a mistake in this area, is to apologize and correct it. This goes for all sides. It's about listening and not centering your anxiety or dignity violations in the conversation, but instead, learning about the dignity violations the other person experienced as a way to understand where they are coming from.

At this point, someone responded and asked a question that was centered on their own sense that their dignity had been violated by someone telling them, they had caused harm.

Here is what they wrote to me:

Granted, racist propaganda is racist propaganda regardless of the speaker's intent. But are all alleged "microaggressions" necessarily racist/sexist...etc. regardless of the speaker's intent? I don't think so. Usually, those sorts of speech acts admit of perfectly innocuous interpretations, which activists are dismissing out of hand.

ex. One time at trivia night, I noticed that one of my female teammates was reading, comprehending, and answering the trivia questions faster than I could even read them. Which struck me as pretty damned impressive (for anybody), so I asked "Wow, how do you read so fast?" She interpreted my question as "Wow how do you [a mere woman] read so fast?" and got pretty indignant.

Do I owe her an apology for my sexism regardless of the fact that that was not what I was asking?

My response:

First, there is no such thing as a micro-aggression. http://humanisthappiness.blogspot.com/2019/08/lets-abandon-term-micro-aggression.html

Second - that was a good question and a good example. If I was coaching someone for this - I'd recommend not being offended that she responded this way. Because her response isn't actually about you. It's about her and all her experiences that led up to that point. You don't know how many times she has been intentionally dismissed by sexists in a very overtly sexist and demeaning manner. If she is a working professional, she absolutely has. You don't know if she was raped by a guy who demeaned her intelligence while doing it. You don't know what sort of household she grew up in and what she has had to overcome in her life. You don't know what her experiences are, or aren't. Her experiences, aren't about you. They are about her. All you need to know is there is a reason she is responding this way - and you getting upset that she doesn't have the mental space to acknowledge your good intent doesn't fix the situation. Her response isn't about you. it's about her and her hurt. 

You know your intent. Don't assume the other person can read minds. She only have her experience to go on. So, you can either choose to be present for her and acknowledge her hurt, which should be easy because you didn't intent to cause harm. Or you can try to make her acknowledge that YOU weren't intending to hurt her and make it all about YOU even though it wasn't about you at all. It's about her and how she was hurt in the past which is impacting how she experiences things in the present. 

Seriously, this is basic interpersonal relationship soft skills 101.

So much of this could just go away if well intentioned people stopped getting in fights over whose dignity violations are worse. But if you really need to keep score: people who have suffered systemic oppression for centuries - have had worse dignity violations than people whose good intentions are called into question.

This is about personal responsibility and stepping aside from your own hurt to be present for others. 

Compassionate rational people meet upset and traumatized people where they are to help them. They don't go on about how this other person's trauma isn't valid or not important or that your intent is more important than their trauma. Whatever happened, is important - to them. And that is what matters to them in the moment. It obviously takes a LOT of self awareness to step back like this. Donna Hicks calls these things dignity violations and says that in order to get past the conflict, we have to not get in pissing matches about whose dignity violations are worse than the other. And the best way to do this is to understand that when someone tells you about their past dignity violations, they aren't demeaning you or violating your dignity. They are trusting you with basically sacred information. They are expecting you to treat that information with compassion and care.

 Everyone has had dignity violations. It is entirely possible to be present to listen to people tell their stories and accept their reality for what it is. So, to answer your question - do you owe her an apology? Technically, no. But should you acknowledge her hurt response is valid? Absolutely yes. Obviously, sexism is a real thing. People really experience it. It's really effing traumatizing when it happens. Her hurt is valid. You don't get to decide for her whether her hurt is valid or not. She's experiencing hurt. That is all you need to know. Acknowledge that. Feel compassion for her. That's all that is required.

On the topic of micro-aggressions

Never assume a micro-aggression is harmless. Some of them are inherently sexist/racist. If the trope is so stereotypical to the lived experience of a marginalized group as a group, then yes, it's racist/sexist regardless of your intent. 

An example would be white people not being able to tell the difference between various black individuals. Or trying to give a compliment by saying - oh, you look just like - some person they know they don't look anything like, but just share skin color maybe with. 

Telling a black person that they are articulate is another example of this. The person saying this may genuinely be giving a compliment, but the person experiencing it as a microaggression KNOWS this history of that phrase and has most likely heard it way more times then you can possibly imagine and specifically in situations that are physically dangerous or that involve - policing. 

Let me give you an example. I had a friend who owned a bar. Every night, he would get pulled over the by same cop outside his house in a nice rich neighborhood. The cop would ask him what he was doing and where he was going and he would answer. And the cop would hear his British accent and apologize and let him go in his house without any further hassle. This happened every .... single ... night. Right in front of his house. Same effing cop. 

What was going on? 1) the cop didn't seem to be able to tell black people apart, and not even by their cars. 2) the fact my friend has a British accent meant - he was 'articulate' and not like the local regular - insert the racist term here. And he was fully aware that that was the case. He was fully aware his accent, was saving him from worse dignity violations and perhaps police violence. This happened to him, every. Single. Night! 

Now - imagine you try to compliment him on his British accent by telling him he is articulate. Your intent to compliment him doesn't matter to him. He already knows that. But it is intersecting with his lived experience that involves active discrimination and oppression that revolves around his speech specifically. 

Your good intent doesn't erase his lived experience. His willingness to tell you - that is a micro-aggression - means he trusts you enough, to listen and learn. If you respond to him telling you - his truth, and you go on about how your intent is all that should matter, you are missing HIS point entirely. He was telling you about his lived reality dealing with overt forms of racism. The proper response to that is to acknowledge his experience and then be grateful he trusted you enough to tell you WHY what should be a compliment is experienced as an aggression.

De-Conditioning Racial Bias

One of the reasons we still have problems with race isn't necessarily because people are racist, though, there are out and proud racists. It's more that well intentioned people are unaware that many of their impulses and thoughts are conditioned responses, meaning, we don't think about them, we just feel them and it makes us uncomfortable.

Deconditioning unwanted behaviors is something I specialize in. I have a background in behavioral conditioning. I know the science of how to make unwanted behaviors (including thoughts), stop and I also have the practical experience to know why exactly it is so hard to change, even when we want to.  And yes, I have a course/book on that (Why is Change so Hard?) 

First, I want you to read this thread by Claire Willet on Twitter. https://twitter.com/clairewillett/status/1266894029498675200 

This thread is super important for white people to read. It's about the history of our conditioned responses to black protests.  Specifically, how we have been conditioned, intentionally, to feel uncomfortable with black people protesting.  And yes, we were and are being conditioned to respond to protests by people seeking to not be shot for no reason, with discomfort. And there is a super long history in the USA of this happening. And yes, it was done intentionally. And yes, our government did it intentionally. Read the twitter thread! 

That uncomfortable feeling you have been having about how black people are protesting? It's there for a reason. You have been conditioned to feel that discomfort. And that was done intentionally to help people in power, stay in power by denying social justice movements support by other moral people, by making them, uncomfortable and afraid. 

I have a background in behavioral conditioning. I can attest that what Ms. Willet describes in her thread, is true. What she is saying, about how even when we find out we've been lied to,  we still believe things that aren't true, because it feels true even when it isn't - is absolutely spot on. 

That is the power of conditioned responses. Conditioned responses bypass your normal thinking. It's your gut reaction. You don't know why you have this gut reaction, you just do. And yes, your thoughts can be conditioned and ARE conditioned. All the time.  

If I start a commercial jingle, chances are you will sing the rest and would have a really hard time, stopping yourself.  Let's give it a try ... "plop, plop, fizz, fizz." 

There are people who want the rest of us to be afraid of black people asking for help. And they have spent, literally centuries convincing people to be afraid and uncomfortable around black people and about discussing discrimination against black people and minorities. And all this discomfort and our inability to deal with it, is preventing us from finally, creating a society where everyone is given the same opportunity and where people can actually be judged on their character and not on the color of their skin.

Deconditioning Ourselves

But in order to get there, we have to start deconditioning ourselves of these habits of thoughts that cause us to have negative thoughts when confronted by race. We have to decondition the habits that cause us to look away or deflect. 

The good news is that these various deflection responses, are a normal part of the deconditioning process. The bad news is that, unless you force yourself to challenge your own brain, you won't get past them, which is why collectively, we haven't gotten past it.

The other good news is that once you understand your own resistance response, you can help yourself decondition the uncomfortable responses you have whenever the subject of race comes up.  

So if you want to support black people but keep finding reasons why you don't actually support black people, then I have a few suggestions for you. And yes, I mean even well meaning liberal people who think they are beyond this but are afraid to go to the 'black' part of town because they are worried about crime - you too. Especially you.

What I want you to learn is first, why change is so hard (https://humanistlearning.com/book-and-program-why-is-change-so-hard/)  I want you to understand the resistance ideas that pop into your head for what they are, resistance to change. Then, you can calmly encourage your brain to calm down and think explicitly about whether the assumptions you have about a given situation are true.

Think Humanistically

The next thing I want you to do is think humanistically about yourself and about the situation you are concerned about.  Think explicitly about the values you think are most important. Then, apply those values to the situation at hand. Keeping in mind that what you think, may be incorrect because of your implicit conditioned biases to think negatively about black people doing anything other than being subservient to white people.  Try to understand why black people are upset and think, if this happened to you, would you be upset? Yes, then the black community is protesting for good reason and you should support them. 

Finally, you will make mistakes. That is ok. You will stumble. That is ok too. If you are worried about black people judging you because you are not a perfect ally, well yeah, that will happen. But how you handle learning that you made a mistake is key. Accept you made a mistake and learn from it, and your efforts will be appreciated.

The problem with centering yourself. 

If you have started to become aware you may have had someone say, stop centering yourself. Here is what that means and why you should NOT center yourself. First. you don't need anyone's approval or acknowledgement to do the right thing. The right thing is to say plainly that an injustice is in fact, an injustice. For instance, cops killing unarmed people who have broken no laws, is an injustice. 

Second: If your willingness to support people who are being abused is based on whether you get credit and props for doing the bare minimum of what a moral person should do, which is to say, what happened is wrong, then something is wrong with you. And you should check yourself. Because when an injustice is occurring, the focus should be on the injustice. Not on whether or not your allyship is being appreciated by people who are literally fighting for their lives. 

If someone tells you, you are centering yourself, you are. Don't argue. Focus on the person who needs help. Not on your need for approval. 

Stick with it

Undoing and unlearning conditioned thoughts is a time consuming process. Every time you manage to identify one of your triggered conditioned responses, don't get upset you thought the thought.  You were conditioned to think it. The goal is to recognize WHEN you've had a conditioned thought and to consciously and explicitly challenge that thought. 

And you can do this for anything. My son is convinced math is hard and he has some fairly extreme deflection responses anytime he is asked to do math. I won't go into the details of why he has these responses except to say that he came by his aversion to math the hard way.  As I am working with him to get past his aversion, which is a conditioned response, I have been encouraging him to challenge his negative thoughts and replace them with other thoughts. Even if they are sarcastically positive, it is still a better response than the extremely negative thoughts he has when math is presented to him.  As we practice turning the negatives into positive, it gets harder for a bit. Crying has been involved in it. But, the resistance eventually gets less hard and his ability to pivot improves. 

Positively reward success:

Every time you successfully challenge one of your conditioned responses, reward yourself. Recognize how hard that was to do for yourself and congratulate yourself. Treat yourself to something. 

The only real way to get rid of a learned response/thought is to replace it with a different learned response/thought. And whenever you succeed in doing that, reward yourself. Positively reward the behavior you want. Don't beat yourself up for continuing to have the thoughts/responses you want to decondition. Just focus on converting them to something positive and eventually, you will get through this. 

For a full list of my programs and books check out this list. https://humanistlearning.com/jennifer-hancock/  Pretty much everything on it, includes some of this behavioral learning. And the best part is, the more you learn how to do this, the easier it becomes and the less you resist it.  

Even if you start small, with just one identified response, like, the discomfort you feel about black people protesting the wrong way, start there and work through it and past it. Your response, that discomfort was conditioned by people with an agenda. Don't let them control you. 

PS - we need to do the same thing for sexism. 

I'm ready for the civil war to finally be over

We need to finally decide to marginalize racists and stop allowing them to dictate terms of - anything.  

I grew up in Los Angeles, but now live in the south. Florida to be exact.  I live on what used to be Calusa land in an area that has been inhabited since the last ice age. 

I live on what used to be "plantation" land. The white people who "settled" the specific land I live on - created a slave labor camp here that enslaved over 200 people at one point.  Just a block away from me is the main house (which is now a state park - named after Judah P. Benjamin (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judah_P._Benjamin) a cabinet member of the Confederacy who hid here before fleeing to England at the end of the war. 

It was quite a shock when I moved here, though it took me a while to understand why all the crazy things that were happening - were happening. I just couldn't get my head around it for a while. But once I understood - it radicalized me and I am now - anti-racist. And I REALLY want us to stop fighting the civil war and move on with reconstruction already!  But we can't do that - until we recognize that - we are still fighting - the civil effing war!!!!! And then - once we realize that - we need to win it - for freedom and equality! 

 I grew up with friends and classmates from every ethnicity and background and religion. I had no real sense of what racism is - until I moved here.   I'm not sure people who grow up in this area - really understand how - not ok it is and how racism infects - everything. But it does - effect - EVERYTHING.

First - I want to say - we've made tremendous progress since I've lived here. Locally - our racists - no longer control our government. Our government structure and make up is still designed by racists though - so it's a one party system (with token representation) despite the governing party only having like 55% support of the voters. The fact our government doesn't come close to proportionally representing the people - is by racist design. It's one of the many parts of the racist system (systemic racism) that needs to be fixed.

Voting - we have made great strides. When I first moved here- the system itself was set up by and run by racists. I am a highly educated woman. It took me 6 months to figure out how to register to vote. (I had to take off from work and get to the county building downtown and register there - and even then - they tried to talk me out of registering for the democrats - which I thought was really odd and totally inappropriate). Then - they prevented me from voting for 3 years. I finally registered absentee in order to ensure I could vote because - attempting to vote in person - failed - for 3 years. I understand now - the problem was systemic racism. The great news is - those problems are LARGELY fixed. The last 2 supervisors - have done an amazing job dismantling the barriers that were erected to prevent certain people from a certain party - from voting.  We now almost 2 weeks of early voting and vote by mail and in person voting. And registering can be done at any DMV or county office.  But - there is still a problem of access and locations. My local polling station - for instance - was closed for the primary. I could not walk to my poll. I would have to drive (which is a problem if you don't have a car). 

Speaking of which - public transportation is another part of the system that developed with racism in it's core. Yes - we have public transport. But it's pretty useless. The buses stop running at 6 pm and if you want or need to go to an social service center  - you will probably have to walk 45 minutes from the nearest bus stop to get there in the Florida heat and humidity. You basically can't function here - unless you have your own car.  Too poor to afford a car - or public transport?  You can get a free bus pass - but you have to get yourself downtown to get it which means - paying money - to get downtown. And you can only access that - 9-5 on weekdays. So if you do have a job - good luck - getting a free bus pass - even though they are available. The last time I rode the bus - there was a guy who had just gotten a job near my house - and he had had to go home - by the bus to get a document and come back. Our bus - was the last bus of the day (it was 5:30 pm) and he was going to have a 2 ish hour walk home after dropping off his paperwork! If you are poor - a racist system - will keep you that way. 

Zoning? That's another part of the racist system. I didn't understand it until I was fortunate enough to purchase some rental properties. I knew about red-lining - but I didn't really understand it. What happened here - though - and why our communities developed like they did - have their roots in slavery and emancipation. And every time people tried to fix it - there was a backlash. Where were people allowed to live?  Our zoning laws - restrict where people can live - still. This is it's own topic - but - just understand - we are only just NOW - starting to integrate our communities and the president of the United States is telling people who are afraid of that integration that - he will stop it from happening.  It needs to happen though. And this is one of those - civil war battles that still needs to be won.  We should not allow ourselves to be held hostage this way. It's NOT good for our society and it does REAL harm to real people. We need to integrate ourselves. 

Schools - yeah - they are kind of integrated - but also kind of NOT. It's another part of the - racist system that - still exist and still needs to be fixed and is tied - to zoning which has it's roots in slavery and the backlash to emancipation.   And the lynching.

Oh yes - my community - had lynching. https://digital.stpetersburg.usf.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1090&context=honorstheses

But again - these stories are starting to be told - our agricultural museum has information on farms that were stolen - through lynching now.  The people who committed those crimes - finally died so the stories can be told now.

And really - that is what the south has been waiting for. For people to die out. We can finally end the civil war - when the people who committed these crimes - die out. We have all just been waiting for them  - to die off so we can finally remove the yoke they put on our community - so we can FINALLY move forward! And - this desire for this to end - is not partisan at all. The racists are all in one of the parties - but their fellow party members - don't like them at all and would prefer them - gone and actively work to dismantle all the systemic crap they created. 

The hope was - once they all die - THEN we can finally make progress. I'm sick of waiting. And I'm white!  This is all fixable. But to fix it - we need to be honest about what it is and what we allowed to happen to appease the racists so we wouldn't have to continue fighting the civil war as an actual military thing. 

America cannot continue half free. We cannot accomplish all the things we are capable of accomplishing if we continue to do this - with a portion of our fellow citizens intentionally marginalized and prevented from participating in our society - which is what we have allowed to happen in the name of - eventually all these old racists will die off. 

Yes - the ones that committed the crimes of the past century - have largely died - but they also spawned a whole new generation of racists who are still fighting to keep intact - the racist systems we REALLY need to dismantle. 

The only way the civil war ends - is if we intentionally - end it. To do that - we need to acknowledge the reality of this problem and take active steps to marginalize the racists so they can no longer dictate our influence our public policy. 

And while I completely owe a debt of gratitude to the people in the local government who have taken on their own party to make much needed progress - I do think - they either need to jettison the racist wing of their party - or leave their party and create a new governing coalition that is actively anti-racist. We are now the majority. It is clear - we are the majority. Think of how much we can accomplish if we work together - to finally end the remnants of the civil war and finally - move forward - together as a unified country. 

Thanks for listening. 

Strategies for Dealing with Racism in the Workplace

Today's blog post on humanistic leadership is actually just a link to an article I think you all should read. 

It's titled: Confronting the Uncomfortable Reality of Workplace Discrimination by Derek R. Avery and Enrica N. Ruggs at MIT Sloan. 

https://sloanreview-mit-edu.cdn.ampproject.org/c/s/sloanreview.mit.edu/article/confronting-the-uncomfortable-reality-of-workplace-discrimination/amp

I love this - because it address - unintentional discrimination which we need to deal with. Unintentional discrimination is not intentional - but it still causes harm.  We need to deal with that effectively.

The other thing it discusses is to think long term about racism in the workplace. Some of what is happening - is structural. And it goes back a LONG LONG time. Pretending that the laws and organizational structures that were developed - weren't developed to control and exclude - is silly. We have to dismantle these things that cause harm.

 #racism #discrimination #workplaceculture

One of the things I teach is how to use behavioral science to stop bullying and harassment in the workplace. This can at least help you fix the intentional racism that crops up from time to time.   I also have programs on how to control your unconcious biases as well. So check out the courses - and let me help you change the culture of your organization. https://humanistlearning.com/programsoffered/

Can you all just stop being sexist for a little bit.

In the past week - I was told I was a slut who didn't get laid enough. And I witnessed people complaining about women they don''t like - but referring to them in - sexually dismissive terms. 

And yes- people dismiss men and label them jerks, aholes and other things too. We humans find all sorts of reasons to justify not listening to other people regardless of gender or skin color. If we can label the other person - evil or insane - in some way - we can justify not listening to them. This is our tribal brains at work.

Part of my practice as a Humanist is to - push past my tribal brain and bring that person into my circle of humanity.  Is it easy to do? Of course not. Sometimes people really are divorced from reality and sometimes they really are behaving like aholes. 

  And sometimes - you are best off - ignoring them and not paying what they have to say - any mind. 

The problem is - sometimes the people we are dismissing - shouldn't be dismissed because they have something to say- and just because we don't like what they have to say - doesn't mean - that what their are saying is bad or that they shouldn't be saying it. That is one of many ways we humans deal with the experience of cognitive dissonance - which is when information makes us feel uncomfortable because it contradicts what we think we know to be true. 

People who take critical thinking seriously - understand that IF you dismiss people - who have something important to say - you are making a mistake. 

Which brings us back to the "reasons" we dismiss other people and what they have to say and why the reasons we use to dismiss other people's view points matter. 

And marginalized people (whether it is for gender or skin color or education level or economic status or whatever) tend to get dismissed in very specific ways that have nothing to do with whether what they are saying is valid or not.

Honestly - most white men - get dismissed when they behave badly. And even then - they have to behave REALLY badly before they will be dismissed as - an ahole or jerk or delusional. And even then - they might still not get dismissed if they have enough political or social status that we forgive them their tresspasses.

Women, on the other hand, are often dismissed, not because we have behaved badly - but rather - because - we are nasty or disgusting or some variation on the - sexually unpure theme. In other words, it's not that what we said was so horrendous, it's because we are sluts that need to get laid. 

What brought this up was that an honorable member of the House of Representatives - verbally assaulted another honorable member of the House of Representative - on the steps of the capital - by saying - they are disgusting. 

And - here - we need to be honest with ourselves. A congressman calling another congressman disgusting - conjures different images when it's a man calling another man disgusting - than when the situation is a man calling a woman disgusting or when it's a woman calling a man disgusting. 

• A man calling a man disgusting - is probably referring to his hygiene or something he has done that was disgusting.  
• A woman calling a man disgusting probably means he did something sexually disgusting.  
• A man calling a woman disgusting - is dismissing her as some sort of sexual deviant who is not worth his time to take seriously. 

Again - be honest - these - reactions we have and the images of the stereotypes we have in our heads - when a man is called disgusting vs. when a woman is - is - what are known as implicit biases.  

It's the same reason why white men may be brutish - but black men are thugs.  Implicit bias. 

The demeaning and dehumanizing people - to win arguments - is - as old as time. But - it's a mistake to dismiss people we disagree with - by denigrating - not their ideas - but them as human beings. 

Which is why I wanted to say - can we all stop being sexist for a little bit. In a discussion board on the male congressman calling a young female congresswoman - disgusting - another white male - go figure - said - yes - he's an ahole - but she's a performance artist - so - it was a perfect storm.   

And then - he played dumb that anyone - would consider - describing an honorable congresswoman - as a performance artist  - as being sexist. 

Again- we are all adults here - what do you imagine when you imagine a female performance artist?    .... I rest my case. 

If you find yourself dismissing any marginalized person by suggesting they adhere to a sexist or racist or otherist trope - - just stop already. This is getting old. 

And - when people call you out - don't get defensive - just say - my bad and try to improve in the future.  Especially if you view yourself as an ally. 

No - this is not tone policing. Not it's not language censoring.  No - this doesn't stifle legitimate debate. It's just a request - from people who get called these stupid sexist names all the time to dismiss us as unworthy of speaking in a public forum -  that - you please - stop.  

 Because seriously - if you weren't aware of how common this is - understand - many women - most days get called these names and dismissed in this way. You can either be part of the problem or part of the solution. 

Covington High School, Racism and Humanist Reflections on Dignity

Over the weekend - students from Covington High School were in DC to protest women's rights. During their time on the mall - they got into - an "engagement" with other groups. Since then - people have been trying to decide - who is right and who is wrong.  And despite all the rhetoric at who is responsible – the answer – as my mom always pointed out is that it takes 2 to fight. Or in this case 3.

When I first saw the video clip - I did not see what the headlines said Or rather - it did not seem egregious. I saw a bunch of kids being confronted with an Indian song/prayer and they reacted to it nervously and also with some excitement. Many appeared to be grooving to the beat but they also seemed to be making fun of it. I did not know what came before. Or the chants of build the wall that apparently happened. It was clear the elder approached the boy and played the drum in his face, but I also didn't see it as aggressive because the boy reacted as one might if a celebrity came up and played a drum in your face - it's a weird situation.

I just thought the boys were responding to a bunch of indigenous people in a really immature way. If I came across indigenous people drumming, I would have stood respectfully and listened and observed and been super annoyed if a bunch of boys were yelling and screaming over the performance as these boys were. But then I saw another clip where they were chanting - build the wall. And that is racist given the circumstances.  The MAGA hats definitely played a roll in this being considered racist - more on that later.

I think the lesson is that all sides are correct about what THEY personally experienced. The problem we have is we want people to be wrong -  and we want to assign blame - specifically to other people. We want our dignity violations to be recognized and we want to fight for our dignity - not realizing when we violate the dignity of others in the process. All sides - guilty of being stupid. Which isn't surprising - because no group corners the market in stupidity.

Perspectives, Sides and a Humanist reminder

All parties involved share blame for what happened. Including all the people on all sides that have tried to politicize this. The people present - were victimized by what happened.

In reality and in life – there are rarely good guys and bad guys. There are just people. And everyone in the groups present – clearly feels like their dignity has been violated. There have been past violations and current violations that caused all individuals involved to respond the way they did.

The black Hebrews were there to speak about whatever it is they think is wrong with the world and wrong being done to them.

The native Americans – same thing – they were there to represent and to express their feelings over what is wrong in the world and the wrong that is being done to them.

The white boys – were there to express their feelings over what they think is wrong with the world and the wrong they thinks is being done to them and they were apparently responding to the things the Black Hebrews were yelling at them - in a negative way.

People in all three of these groups, are focused on the wrongs they experience and are absolutely convinced that the wrongs the other people are concerned about – aren’t as big a deal – or – aren’t real.  The only thing that is real – is the wrong – they personally experience, - the other people – are perpetrators of the wrong. The people to blame for what is wrong.

This is the nature of dignity violations. People in conflict – are in conflict – because they have been harmed in some way – and are not being heard or recognized as whole and the violation of their dignity isn't being recognized. So they are fighting for their dignity and the dignity of the people they care about.

And all three groups were doing this – and as is almost always the case – they were all violating the dignity of others in their attempts to protect and proclaim their own dignity.  Let's take everyone's statements at face value - and we should for the moment.

The boy in front of the elder – thought he was being calm and de-escalating things when an aggressive elder came and played the drum in his face.

The elder thought – he was de-escalating things when he tried to walk through the crowd of boys and was stopped by the boy who stood in his way.  We actually can acknowledge the reality that both the boy and the man – experienced what happened – differently – through their own lens of experience.  And that both felt that the other was the aggressor, because they were looking at it through their own lens of experience.

There is no bad guy – or someone we can blame. Both are to blame and both are victims.

This is why I teach humanism.  One – it means –  I can see both the boy in the MAGA hat and the elder – as humans. And I can see both their actions through the narratives that they have given us.  And I can acknowledge their POV without demeaning and dismissing the other person’s POV. Both POV’s are valid because THAT is how each person experienced it.

And yes – it would be ideal if we could agree on a common narrative and assign blame to one party or the other. But we don’t need to assign blame to fix the problem. We need to see each other as fully human and with dignity and not as enemies we need to fight.  It is only when we recognize the other as human – that we eliminate the desire to fight.

It was the desire to fight for what each side thinks is right – that caused what happened to happen.  Instead of joining in the fight and picking sides – maybe we should encourage everyone to acknowledge the fact that the other people – have valid points – are valid people – with dignity and worth and that while there are definitely bad people in the world  - not everyone you meet is your enemy.

For instance - had those boys met the indigenous people - before having their experience with the black Hebrews - their interaction with the elders may have been very very different. That doesn't excuse their behavior - it contextualizes it. The kids acted totally inappropriately. So did the Black Hebrews.

The point is - all narratives appear to be true to the individual who has expressed it and to understand what happened - means - accepting those conflicting narratives without having to take sides and entering fight mode with the individuals who were involved.

MAGA Hats are now symbols of racial terrorism. 

Part of the defense of the boys is that the MAGA hats don't mean these boys are racists.  And that is true. Not everyone who wears a MAGA hat is a racial terrorist. Just as not everyone who has a confederate flag is a racial terrorist.

But what the boys and their supporters need to understand is that racial terrorists do wear those hats and fly those flags as symbols of group identity and the group identity of racial terrorists - is racial terrorism. It is a perfectly rational connection to make - given the recent experiences we have with MAGA hat wearing young white men. See below.

white supremacists/nazi's marching in the Trump uniform
in Charlottesville wearing MAGA hats

Nazi's wearing MAGA Hats

Proud Boys wearing MAGA Hats

Nazi wearing MAGA hat at Trump rally. 

People who equate those hats with racial terrorism - aren't doing that arbitrarily. We have seen young white MAGA hate wearing males violently threatening people and in some cases - actually killing people with alarming frequency.

If I saw a large group of young white men wearing MAGA hats shouting at black people - I would assume they were racial terrorists of the type we see above. I would have no way of knowing otherwise. It's one of those - if you look like a racial terrorist and act like a racial terrorist you are probably a racial terrorist - sort of situations.

This does not mean that every young white male who wears this hat agrees with the racial terrorists. But it does mean that young white males wearing these hats and shouting things at black people IS associated with racial terrorism.

If you are a person being targeted by these racial terrorists - trying to figure out whether this particular group of young white males who look like a racial terrorists are racial terrorist or not - is not your safest course of action. The safest course of action for people whose lives are being actively threatened by racial terrorism when they encounter a group of young white males dressed EXACTLY like the racial terrorists and shouting the same things racial terrorists tend to shout - is to assume - this group is probably a racial terrorist group and they might want to hurt me. Especially when it appears to be a mob of highly agitated young white males all wearing the same symbolic hat young white male racial terrorists wear. The association of these boys with racial terrorists - was/is a reasonable assumption to make even if the individuals in question are not personally associated with racial terrorists.

The Covington High School boy

If young white males don't want to be associated with racial terrorists - then it's on them - to make sure they do not signal to others - their affiliation with racial terrorists!  Because racial terrorists have adopted the hat and the Trump uniform as their group identity markers - people targeted by those racial terrorists have to consider the possibility that any young white male dressed like a racial terrorist - might actually be a racial terrorist - even if they are not because racial terrorism - is literally - a life or death matter.

And no- it is not fair to be judged by your clothing choice or the color of your skin. Welcome to how everyone else experiences discrimination. But it is a choice to wear what has become the uniform of young white male racial terrorist and they can chose to not march in lock step with this uniform any time they want to.

And no - I'm not going to not consider them a possible white racial terrorist just because they don't want to be associated with racial terrorists. At this point - wearing a MAGA hat  IS like waving the damned confederate flag. Don't blame the victims of terrorism for responding rationally to the terrorism they are experiencing. Blame the fucking terrorists for being terrorists and for corrupting or appropriating your symbols.

Denying the reality of other's experiences

When POC and indigenous people see a group of young white males wearing and displaying what have become symbols of racial terrorism, responding as if those kids are possible racial terrorists - IS a rational response. Denying that it is a rational response to the symbols of racial terrorism is to deny the existence of racial terrorism! And when you deny racial terrorism - you deny the hurt and harm done to millions and millions of people over a period of centuries! You deny the dignity, existence and legitimacy of the people who have been victimized by racial terrorists in this country.

I understand the young men did not like being called racists and I get that. No one wants to be viewed as a racist. They felt their individual dignity had been violated and they were acting to "defend themselves." The problem is - their defense - was/is to center themselves as victims and to deny the victimization of people who have literally endured centuries of death and destruction at the hands of racial terrorists in this country! This denial of the impact racial terrorism has on it's victims - is NOT ok. It's not humane. It's not civilized, it's not compassionate and it's grossly upsetting to watch.

Those boys chose to wear clothing associated with racial terrorists. They chose to respond to black people telling them they looked like racial terrorist by yelling back and fighting back. And then they pointed their fear and anger towards indigenous people who had NOT accused them of racial terrorism and who in fact - were just singing songs.

The harm of being called a racist by complete strangers - is NOT equivalent to the harm caused BY actual racial terrorism. And again - people who are victims of terrorism are responding rationally when they see people dressed as the terrorists dress and point out - hey - you look like a fucking terrorist. Trying to shift the blame - as the Covington boys are - to the victims or racial terrorism - is inappropriate. The young boys had their dignity violated - but they are NOT the victims in what happened and we should not be pretending that they are.

The appropriate response to having your dignity violated by being associated with people you don't agree with is not to start acting EXACTLY like the people you claim you don't agree with. Their response - with the hats - looked exactly like a young white male racial terrorist mob. And people who saw that and have been victimized by these mobs - responded to the display of young white male solidarity - as one would expect - with fear.

A better learning experience would be for the adults around these boys - to give them a proper fucking history lesson - so they can understand WHY the people they encountered experienced them the way they did. Instead - the adults around them are blaming victims of racial terrorism for responding to a display that looked for all the world like a racial terrorist demonstration they way they did.

The need for compassion & responsible adults

All parties involved experienced "dignity violations" and caused dignity violations. The problem is that the dignity violations the boys experienced - isn't ANYWHERE close to being as bad as the dignity violations, death and destruction that have occurred as a result of centuries of racial terrorism.  I would hope that a Catholic school - would teach these boys compassion.

Compassion compels us to look beyond our own pain - to view and see the pain of others as legitimate. It's a very hard thing to do and I understand these young men - need coaching and teaching and mentoring on it. As do all young people.

Which is why if there is anyone to blame - it is the chaperones and adults around these young men. When the boys first encountered the Black Hebrews - they should have been instructed - to ignore them and not engage with them. No one can take away your dignity by shouting things at you.

When they encountered the indigenous people - they should have been instructed to observe respectfully what was an a form of worship and to learn about the other people - and why they were protesting. In short - they should have been taught to listen and learn with compassion and been given a history lesson as to why Indiginous people would be protesting on the mall. .

Instead - their chaperones allowed this group of young men to work themselves up into a protective fighting force. Which - when you combine that with symbols of racial terrorism - is terrifying!  They boys were failed by their mentors and chaperones and did not act with dignity. Neither did the Black Hebrews. But the Elder - did act with dignity.

As for the boy who confronted the Elder - he appears to have tried to act with dignity - but ... he could have also just - made way for the guy - instead of standing his ground as if the steps of the Lincoln memorial belonged to him. He made a choice to stand in front of this drummer and block his way and he could have just as easily - moved aside and stood down. He didn't. He stood his ground which means he understood what was happening - to be a fight. Does anyone really think he would have stood his ground with dignity - if he had viewed what was happening as a cultural learning experience instead? And again - the blame for this - lies with the chaperones and teachers who did not help the young men understand what was happening and help them choose non-violent responses to what was happening. The chaperones and adults instead allowed the boys to ramp up into a defensive fighting display which - because of their clothing choices - looked just like a terrorist display.

Focus & Truths

Symbols of racial terrorism - really are symbols of racial terrorism. People who point out that symbols of racial terrorism are symbols of racial terrorism - are not the problem.

 
The racial terrorists - ARE the problem. Refusal to even discuss the racial terrorists and how to stop them and protect their targets IS the problem.

Treating victims of racial terrorism as if they are to blame - IS a problem. It lacks compassion and is a completely inhumane way to treat victims of violence.

Dressing up like racial terrorists and then blaming people who responded to you as if you are a terrorist - is gas-lighting.

Racial Discrimination in "the trades"

I was recently asked by a manager in the construction trades: how to help their black employees become more effective and productive. This is a good concern to have. Unfortunately - the reason the manager was having such problems - despite having good intentions and actively recruiting for diversity - was because her understanding of what the problem was - was coming from a place of bias and privilege.

People talk a lot about bias and privilege and people bristle when they are told about it. All that is being said is that - there is a blind spot and you don't really understand the problem because - of the blind spot. I am sharing with you this example - so that you can see how bias and privilege create those blind spots so you can recognize them and fix them.

Please keep in mind that while this example specifically comes out of the construction trades, this sort of blind spot problem occurs in all industries. To create more diverse workforces, we have to start overcoming our biases - so that we can solve the problems preventing our teams from becoming truly diverse.

First - the problem: 

This manager said her company wants diversity and they actively hire for it. But every black person they have hired either quits, or gets fired. As I asked her to explain the problem she was having in more detail, she said that the black employees just aren't getting as much work done as their white counter parts and when this is pointed out and attempts made to increase productivity so that they can get the amount of work done that is expected  - reasonably so because white employees are able to meet these standards - that their black employees get angry - talk about racism and quit. Those that don't quit - end up getting fired because they simply aren't as productive as the company needs them to be. She came to me to find out how she could help the black employees learn how to be more to be more productive.

(If you are black and reading this - please take a deep breathe and let me handle this. In fact - this may be triggering - so proceed with caution. I am sharing this - because this person is well meaning - but ... her assumptions - were preventing a fix).

Here is how she worded her problem:

"So, we have a rather diverse workforce, but we still don't have very many African-Americans working for us. They don't tend to stay long, as, individually, they seem to not have the work ethic to do well. If something specific doesn't happen, they are often let go if there's a slow-down in work because they aren't working as hard. But I'm wondering if it's a defense mechanism. I know people make terrible decisions as defense mechanisms - "Oh, they're just going to (do something to let me down). Why bother?"  I need help articulating this idea that African Americans can be reached, if you understand their underlying behaviors as defense mechanisms, and that they possibly can be coached out of those behaviors, if you see their point of view. And not being willing to meet them in their space is part of systemic racism. But honestly, I don't know where to start.

The manager's understanding of the problem was flawed. From her perspective - the problem was that the black employees just weren't as productive and for some reason  - she had no idea why - they just didn't work as hard as their white counterparts, so - she wanted to help train them on things like conscientiousness and time management etc - to help them be more productive and less defensive when attempts were made to help correct productivity problems. (deep breathes).

The problem is - their decreased productivity isn't necessarily caused by the employee. It could very well be - a symptom of something else. And as long as she focused on increasing productivity without actually addressing that something else - the situation was never going to improve.

Why biases matter: 

We all have biases and those biases cause us to make assumptions about the nature of the problem.  In this case - she was making assumptions about her employees - that they just didn't know how to be productive or worse - that they didn't want to be productive.

The best way to overcome bias - is to ask questions. In this case, the best way to find out why people are leaving and not working to the expected standards – is to ask them.  But that requires a willingness to listen and adjust behavior to make space for the person who is choosing to leave instead of deal with whatever it is they don’t like.  Often, the fixes are insanely simple – because it has to do with giving and showing respect in a way that is meaningful for the person feeling aggrieved.

If someone isn’t respected, they often do the minimum work required – in a passive aggressive way. This may be what she was seeing. It may not be. The question is – if this is what you are seeing – why are you all triggering this response? How can you stop triggering this response?

To get past this – the hiring manager needs to understand their role in the communication problem and how to get past it.  The starting assumption should be: these people are willing to work and are capable of working to the required standards, but for some reason aren’t. Why? It’s entirely possible the reason they aren’t is because they feel disrespected in the workplace. If that’s the case, this is a harassment, discrimination and communication problem.  It also means – their behavior may be a result of them not feeling safe.

There is recent work on psychological safety and it’s impact on team performance. https://hbr.org/2017/08/high-performing-teams-need-psychological-safety-heres-how-to-create-it

The problem in using this information is – the resistance to using it. It is very easy for team leaders to say – the work I have to do to create safe workplaces for marginalized people isn’t worth the effort when I can get another employee who doesn’t require that extra work. This is a management failure where the management failure is rationalized to blame the marginalized people. Her instincts on this needing to be addressed is correct.

The person that needs to address it and who has to want to address it are the managers. They have to be willing to find out what is happening on site or wherever - because it may not be the manager creating the bad environment. It may be and probably is the people they are working with day to day. But until or unless there is a willingness to REALLY listen and learn with the goal of helping these people succeed and stay – nothing will change.

Another possibility:

Another possibility is this: We know women aren’t respected and their ability to be productive is negatively impacted by men withholding information and resources they need to get their work done. The example I’m thinking of is the guy who used his female employees email address and suddenly – customers who respond right away to him – were withholding and it was taking him A LOT longer to get the same amount of work done – because his clients weren’t as forthcoming with him because he was suddenly female. It’s entirely possible that the employees - who are being deamed - not productive – are working their asses off and not getting as much done because – the people who they are working with – are withholding from them and slowing them down. But again – you won’t know – until they are asked.

My manager friend was making assumptions about the motivations of her employees and why they weren't as productive as she hoped they would be. The result was - her focus was on fixing what she thought was the problem - and not what the employees understand the problem to be.

The only way to fix what is wrong – is to have honest – open conversations to find out what exactly the employees in question are experiencing and why they are experiencing it so that you can fix the problems or help them work around what they are experiencing so they can actually be productive despite the fact they may have hurdles that other - white employees don't have.

This is where privilege comes in. White employees don't have to deal with racist customers and vendors. Black and brown employees do.  Racism - impacts productivity. It's silly to pretend otherwise. If you want to change this dynamic - you have to make space for and protect your black and brown and female employees so that they can be productive - despite the racism and sexism.

Dealing with Racist Rhetoric in a Business Setting

I come at this both from a behavioral perspective (as someone who teaches people how to stop harassment and discrimination using behavioral science) and as someone who has dealt with this.  I also come at this as Los Angelino living in Florida now and this colors my views.

First – personal experience.

I used to work in international franchise sales. My boss was a boorish oaf (he would rub himself in front of me – not joking). We had clients in from Singapore. Nice guys. They were both planning to do vacations after our visit and were asking for advice. One was going to New Orleans. My boss – told him – you need to be careful – there are black people there and he held his hand like a gun.  The guy from Singapore had ZERO idea on why he should be concerned about black people in New Orleans and why that was an issue. He was extremely confused and did not know what my boss was implying. He looked to me for guidance.  I told him – New Orleans has a lot of poverty and a lot of guns and while it’s a very fun safe city, you do have to be aware of your surroundings at times.  He nodded and understood.

  After our guests left, I went into my boss’ office – fists clenched because of how furious and upset I was and I told him he was NEVER to say such racist things in front of me ever again!! Ever.  My position was eliminated 2 weeks later and I was let go. My boss was let go 4 months later when he could no longer blame me for his bad performance.  I did the right thing even though it cost me my job. 

 He wasn’t alone in holding these racist views. My secretary there – told me she didn’t like black people because they would poop in the sinks of her father’s night club and she thought they were animals.  (Those were the words she used).  I told her that her views weren’t accurate and that black people are humans and the majority of them would be horrified at the idea of pooping in someone’s sink! I didn’t let her comments go unchallenged.

  This was the start of my education on just how blatantly racist southerners really were. I grew up in  Los Angeles. Not only were my classmates multi-colored growing up, I only had one job where the staff was majority white.  No one would ever say anything remotely like this because everyone, except people who isolate themselves in certain enclaves, has friends of every color. The racism in Florida was shocking to me when I arrived It’s gotten better, but it’s still pretty shocking.

Now for the behavior side of this:

Racism is a learned behavior. It can be unlearned. The process for unlearning something like this is not easy. It’s best if people have positive personal experiences with people of color – but given the high level of segregation in places in the south – that isn’t likely to happen. 

  It is critically important that white people who don’t like racism speak out against it when it is voiced every time it is voiced.

 Here is why.  Behavior happens when it is rewarded. To get it to stop, you have to stop rewarding it.  Racism is rewarded socially.  It’s a way of bonding. Failure to bond is failure to get reward.  You don’t have to be mean about it – but calling it out as inappropriate is necessary. Every time. People like my boss and my secretary would have never considered themselves racist even though they clearly said and thought horrendously bigoted things and clearly felt fully justified in those views and that it would be safe to voice those views in front of me because I am white too.

Challenging those views – politely – introduces doubt – not everyone agrees. Some will argue. My secretary thought I was naïve and unexperienced with black people and so I just didn’t know the truth.  It doesn’t matter how these situations turn out, the important part is to introduce doubt. Start the process of them rethinking whether what they think they know is actually so.

 The other reason we have to speak out is because of bystanders.  People who are listening who aren’t racist need to know those views aren’t ok and that it’s ok to challenge them.  They can only learn that if someone says – hey – that’s not ok. People of color are human too – stop being an idiot.  This isn’t done to change the beliefs of the racists. It is done to create a new social norm where these ideas are no longer “accepted wisdom.”

If you are a manager and have to deal with this stuff, I recommend taking one of my courses on harassment. They are based in behavioral science and will help you understand the process and how to facilitate it.  And yes, some people may have to be fired.

 If you are an employee and dealing with this stuff – again – I recommend you take my course. I teach a science based approach and can help you navigate these things, without losing your job or at least of setting yourself up to have the best chance of success.   Science really does help.

https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

No Group Corners the Market in Stupidity

There are stupid people in every group. It is not ok to judge an entire group of people based on the actions and thoughts of their stupidest member.  So, do not judge all Christians on what the worst Christians do. Do not judge all Muslims on what the worst Muslims do. Do not just all Atheists on what the worst Atheists do.  Do not judge all men on what the worst men do. Do not judge all women on what the worst women do. Do not judge all blacks based on what the worst blacks do. And do not judge all whites based on what the worst whites do.

No group corners the market in stupidity.  Your job in life is to not be among the stupidest humans in whatever arbitrary social grouping you align yourself with. And the best way to ensure that you aren’t one of the stupidest people in your group is  to not be a bigot. Treat people like the individuals they are. Accept that all groups have stupid people and wonderful people. Don’t generalize the behavior of the idiots onto the entire group.  It is best to treat the people you meet as the potentially wonderful people they are until or unless they prove to you that they are stupid.

That’s what it means to respect the dignity and worth of every human.