Grief and denial for conspiracy theories and bullies

 What do grief, denial, conspiracy theories and bullies all have in common? They all are behavioral manifestations known as an extinction burst. Or to put it another way, what happens when we don't get our way? 

I teach how to get unwanted behaviors to stop. If you are dealing with bullies go here: https://bullyvaccineproject.com/  If you want more general applications and personal development go here: https://humanistlearning.com/

All our behaviors are learned. Our thoughts, are also basically, learned. Here is a good book about how we think and what we think we think - https://amzn.to/3oNRDc4

We learn behaviors because learning them helps us. In laymens terms, that means, they were rewarded in some way. When the behavior stops being rewarded or stops working, the brain doesn't like it much. So, the brain tries to figure out ways to make it work again. How do we get our reward back - the reward being, things going - our way.

It does this in a variety of ways. Sometimes it grieves. Sometimes it denies reality. This happens even when reality can't be denied. Sometimes it constructs theories about why things in reality don't match up to our expectations. 

For those of us watching someone in grief, or denial or spouting off an absolutely ludicrous conspiracy theory, or even bullies, we should understand that the reason they are doing these things is because reality isn't being kind to them. 

And no, you can't just slap them and say snap out of it. They just have to go through this on their own. And just as some people get stuck in grief and denial, some people get stuck in their conspiracy theories. They come up with hypothetical ways reality might not be real and then they forget that it was a hypothetical and they treat it as real.

ALL of this, all of it, is a manifestation of what we call an extinction burst. 

Bullies do this to. If you don't respond to a bully the way they want, they will escalate to get you to respond again. They do this because the reality didn't match their expectation. 

All you can do - and really the kindest thing you can do, is to keep presenting reality in a kind and gentle way. Sorry, that's not how this works. Sorry, I know reality is painful at times. But the sooner we all accept reality, the less problems we cause for ourselves and for others. 

So, the next time you find yourself talking to someone who seems, out of touch or in serious denial, treat them with compassion. Oh - and as an exercise in critical thinking for yourself, ask them for evidence of whatever it is - just in case, you are the one in denial.

Be kind to everyone you meet. You don't know what they are going through. Even and especially the ones causing problems. 

The importance of reality

Image by Phaitoon - http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

File this under Humanistic Leadership. When it comes to dealing with people, differences of opinion are very common. It always amazed me how many people, when they have a disagreement with a coworker assume evil intentions to their coworker, creating needless conflict where none need exist. That’s because people don’t bother to question the assumptions they are making to figure out whether what they think is a problem is actually a problem. This is one of the reasons why Humanists spend so much time engaging critical thinking.  We don’t like to waste our time chasing after paper tigers. We want to focus our time on real problems and not on imaginary ones.

For instance, if you are having a disagreement with someone over tactics, take the time to respectfully ask this person WHY they are focusing on the solution they are. You may just find out that you overlooked something important.  Most people just want to try and do the right thing.  By taking the time to not fight people with different ideas, but to learn from them, you may turn what could have been an adversarial situation into an alliance. Always remember, winning an argument doesn’t do you any good if your ultimate solution doesn’t work. Never assume you know all that you need to know and always treat people with differing ideas with respect.  Don’t assume your coworkers are out to get you unless you have verified that they are really out to get you. Reality matters.

The other mistake people make is they tend to completely ignore problems that arise because; they literally refuse to believe they have a problem. It’s called denial and we all do it to some extent. I am always amazed at the amount of energy people put into their denials. It would be way easier to just accept the new challenges you have to face, but people are often afraid to do so.  Since it is always better to accept reality for what it is, the next time someone brings you bad news, and you don’t want to believe it, force yourself to do a little research and find out if the bad news is real or not. That way you won’t act like a complete reality denying idiot nor will you waste your time and energy on problems that aren’t real.

To recap – knowing what is real is important.  If you don’t know if a problem is real or not, you will waste time fixing non-problems and you will ignore the problems you have. Don’t waste your time and energy, embrace reality instead.