Dealing with co-workers who talk about you behind your back

The key to this is dignity.

People who are petty, talk about others in a negative way. Don’t be petty. Be dignified.  If they want to demean themselves by talking about others, that is their business, not yours. If you play their game, and talk about them, you will demean yourself and justify their animosity towards you.

Who you should care about? The people whose opinion matters most – is not the petty people. You can’t change them. The people whose opinion matters most is everyone else who is witnessing this. If you conduct yourself with dignity and grace in the workplace, then when those petty people try to bad mouth you, others will respond by defending you as a person of dignity and grace. You don’t actually have to defend yourself from petty gossip. You just have to behave with dignity and professionalism. Be above reproach. You never have to defend yourself and if you do try to defend yourself, you turn what was petty gossip into a conflict. If you fight, your real audience, the witnesses, will decide you are in a conflict and partially to blame. No one wins in a conflict.  This is one of those situations where you win, by not fighting. 

There is science to back up this approach. It has to do with how unwanted behaviors are extinguished. You don’t positively reinforce or negatively reinforce the behavior you don’t want. You just don’t reward it.

Pretending like the views of these petty people don’t matter and doing your work with dignity and grace and treating everyone in the office, including the gossipers with dignity is the best way to remove their reward.    

How do you actually do this? Don’t take the bait and don’t feed the trolls. If you are asked about something, demure and say – well – you aren’t interested in gossip and you are focused on getting the work done well. Do not isolate yourself or allow the gossip to cause you to isolate yourself. Be out there. Be friendly. Most people respond to friendliness with friendliness. Win people over by being nice, dignified and professional in your work.  That’s all you have to do.

Does this work?  Yes.  I have had people gossip about me and spread rumors about me my entire life.  I have also always had friends and supporters.  I one time had people who were gossiping try to get me fired. My allies protected me from them, so I never had to fight them. The same thing happens in neighborhood dynamics. The good dignified people – find each other. The petty gossips – find each other.  Don’t focus on the petty people. Find the good dignified people and make friends with them. 

To learn more - take one of my online certified classes - https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/