For Parents – teaching kids how to make good decisions

The goal of humanistic parenting is to raise autonomous human beings capable of making good decisions, as in decisions that don’t get them killed or cause harm to themselves and others.

There are a lot of ways to die.  And it simply isn’t true that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Sometimes what doesn’t kill us leaves us permanently disabled.  Sure, we can persevere and still have an amazing life, but it will be different and more difficult.

I know of no parent who would wish extra difficulties on their kids. Life is hard enough without adding to the difficulties you already have, whatever they are.

As humanist parents, our job is to help our children grow into autonomous human beings who can basically function independently without doing too much harm to themselves or others. In order for our kids to learn that, they have to learn how to make decisions. How to weigh the pros and cons and how to make choices despite their instincts which may be compelling them to do really horrendously stupid things.

How can you help your child make better decisions, by teaching them, explicitly, how to make decisions. How to weigh the pros and cons of any given situation. Helping them understand the benefit of taking the time out of their hormone ridden lives to actually do some thinking.

Telling them the answer isn’t helping them learn how to think. I’m not saying don’t set boundaries. I’m saying explain why you set those boundaries and be open to negotiation about where exactly that boundary may be. Encourage your child to set their own boundaries and to make their own choices. Walk them through possible consequences, both good and bad so they get in the habit of this sort of structured thinking early on.

Is it easier to just insist they do things a certain way and demand compliance? Actually it isn’t. When you chose to demand they behave a certain way – they learn moral and intellectual dependence. That’s way more exhausting to deal with. I would much rather have a kid who can think through problems for themselves and who is morally independent because then, I don’t have to worry about them so much!

If you have a tween or teen, consider reading The Humanist Approach to Happiness together and discussing the situations you find in there and how they might think about similar situations in their lives.

If you have a teen or young adult, consider having them take the online course Planning for Personal Success, which will help them think through their choices more effectively.

Both of these parenting resources cover all the topics parents tend to worry about - sex, and drugs and relationships.

Parenting without Punishment – A Humanist Ideal

Raising a kid with respect doesn't mean raising a kid without discipline.

I have never hit my kid. Well, not never. I did one time whack him when he bit my butt, but that was an accident. I was doing dishes when he bit me and I wheel around to see what it was and accidentally hit him in the process. We both cried quite a bit as a result.

What I mean to say is I've never used physical punishment on my child. My son is intelligent, well behaved and a joy to be around. He’s 9 and he’s reasonably well disciplined. I say reasonably because I still have to keep track of his homework and remind him to do it.  But, he’s only 9, I’m pretty sure he will eventually have enough self-discipline to be responsible for those tasks too.

Given how many parents seem to think hitting kids and physical punishment is necessary to raising a well-disciplined kid, I have to wonder if maybe their definition of discipline is different from mine.  To me discipline isn't imposed by others, it is self-discipline that is the ideal. I was able to help my son become such a pleasant well behaved kid because I taught him how to choose to be good for himself. If I had tried to force him to obey me through the use of physical punishment he would have never become self-disciplined.

Hitting kids to get them to obey you is a form of bullying. It’s abusive. It’s unnecessary and it’s counterproductive to the goal of raising well behaved kids who have sufficient self-discipline to behave well without the threat of punishment.

I’m not alone in thinking this. The American Psychological Association agrees. They came out against corporal punishment back in 1975 as being unnecessary to the development of moral and competent adults (http://www.apa.org/about/policy/corporal-punishment.aspx) and more and more research has been done that shows that not only is spanking as punishment not necessary, it’s actually counterproductive - http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking.aspx 

But is the question of whether or not to physically punish children a Humanist issue?  Of course it is. The methods humanist parents use to raise ethical, responsible adults must reflect our values. Physically battering a child is morally indefensible given that it serves no good purpose and is actually counterproductive.  We have other more humane methods we can use to help our children learn self-discipline and we should be using them.

Helping parents learn how to parent without resorting to violence is a goal all Humanists should share which is why the American Humanist Association, in 2000 issued the following statement:

“The AMERICAN HUMANIST ASSOCIATION deems corporal punishment a form of intimidation and condemns its use against anyone at anytime for any purpose, no matter how noble sounding, and calls for all people of goodwill to unite against its use.”

Why critical thinking is so important for kids

I don’t normally delve into religion or politics in this blog – but, I think recent events make an excellent case for why as parents; we need to ensure that our kids learn how to think critically. And this goes for all parents of all backgrounds and not just for humanist parents.

Recently a 19 year old boy was arrested at the airport as he tried to leave to go to Syria to aid ISIL. His parents are horrified. This is not what they taught him to value.  They are upset that ISIL is brain washing kids in this way.  They make a pretty good case that – look – he’s a kid – he’s stupid – he really didn’t understand the consequences of what he was planning to do and he came under the influence of a really bad cult.

I want to provide a quote from the interview Anderson Cooper did with his parents at (http://www.cnn.com/videos/us/2015/01/16/ac-intv-khan-durkin-isis-teen-parents.cnn) I want to draw your attention specifically to a comment made by his mother. This is not an exact quote because I left out the ums and you know, but it’s mostly correct.

When asked what she would say to other parents whose kids are watching these ISIL recruitment videos who may be unaware of the risk, she basically said,

 “Maybe the mistake we made. We were trying to protect our children. We were trying to protect our culture and our values.  But maybe that was a mistake. I would tell them to expose their children more to what is going on in the world. Help them develop critical thinking skills, to differentiate between the good guys and the bad guys.”

Why is this important?  Because her son was recruited by a violent cult and she had not prepared him properly to differentiate between good religion and bad religion.  She had taught him – to protect the culture and the values of that culture in the form of their religion – and THAT’s what made him vulnerable to recruitment by the cult.

The solution – learned too late to help her son – is to be more secular. Do not insulate yourself within your community. Expose yourself and your children to different ways of thinking – so they know what’s out there and so they learn – not to believe everything they are told.

And mostly – teach them that it’s not faith that makes you a good person. It’s how you choose to act.

What skill sets do children need for the future?

The 6C’s – Skill set for effective lifelong living and learning.

I love it when best practices coincide with a humanist approach to life.  It turns out that early childhood education specialists, Doctors Golinkoff & Hirsh-Pask, have narrowed down the key list of skills children should learn so that they can learn how to learn so that they can keep learning as they grow up.  (See more at: http://dupagechildrens.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/ELRAC_Brochure_11_11_2013_update.pdf)

Why is all this learning important? Because success in life is largely a measure, not of what you know, but of how you use the information you have. So the synthesis of information is important AND knowing how to acquire new information if it turns out you are mistaken is also important.  Because the only thing worse than being wrong is continuing to be wrong because you don’t know how to correct your mistakes.

Anyway – the 6Cs – the skill set we need to focus on to help our children learn.

• ·         Collaboration (building new knowledge and approaches with others);
• ·         Communication (persuasively arguing – and listening – to share ideas);
• ·         Content (the 3R’s and so much more);
• ·         Critical thinking (selecting and synthesizing the information needed to perform the task at hand);
• ·         Creative innovation (using content and critical thinking to envision new solutions to old problems);
• ·         and Confidence (the old saws about perspiration and perseverance have much to offer).

Have a Plan

Dealing with a kid that throws fits when they don’t get their way?  Have a plan for the next time.

I was speaking with a parent of an autistic child the other day. Her son is a teenager and is addicted to video games. He insists his mom buy him a new game every week and when she doesn’t he throws a fit and throws things, so she gives in. Her son doesn’t care if the game is new, as long as it’s new to him. But still, it’s expensive and the mom doesn't want to do it, but she doesn't know how to stop, because whenever she says no, her son throws a fit that is pretty violent.

My response. Have a plan!!!!  You know he’s going to throw a fit, so plan for it in advance. When he is out of the house – remove everything that is breakable. Everything.  Is it an inconvenience?  Yes. Of course it is.  But what you are doing isn't working – so it’s time to try something else.

What this woman was hoping for was a magic solution. Something she could do that would make her son suddenly not throw a fit when she said no. But it doesn't work that way. To extinguish behaviors you don’t want and replace them with behaviors you do takes work.  Real work. Difficult work.

Why? Because whenever any habitual behavior is not rewarded, the animal in question will have an extinction burst. Meaning, they will try harder to get their reward.  Stopping any behavior pattern takes time and you will experience and extinction burst. And extinction bursts can be nasty. Extinction bursts are also known as blowouts because it can seem like an explosion is happening when a kid throws a fit to get their way.

So, instead of spending your time wishing you could say no and have your child accept it. Plan for the fit. You know it’s going to happen. It’s a pattern. You say no, your child throws a violent fit.  So, plan for it.  Make sure they can’t break anything when they throw their fit so that you can say no, and they can throw their fit and so that you aren't put in a position to give in to their demands.

The first time you do this is the worst. But it gets easier every time you do this. So stop wishing for a magic solution to your temper tantrum problem.  Make a plan based on what you know your child does so that they can do it and you won’t feel pressured to give in and let them throw their fit. Once it’s over, they and you will be happier if you do.

Disciplining a child – a lesson in humanistic parenting.

Are switches and hitting a good discipline technique?  After all, NFL star Adrian Peterson has been accused of hitting his 4 year old son with a switch. Many people, myself included are horrified. This is child abuse. Others, like Sean Hannity, think it’s a valid discipline technique.  Who is right?  Well – I am of course!!!

Let me address this as a former animal trainer. No good trainer uses physical violence as a training technique. Ever. Anyone who does is an idiot who doesn’t know what they are doing. And if they do this to an animal, they would be brought up on animal abuse charges!  It’s not considered acceptable to beat the crap out of your dog because it’s not consider a valid training technique anymore.  And, if you wouldn’t use physical battery with a potentially deadly weapon to train a dog, because it’s unnecessary, counterproductive and brutal, why on earth would you do it to a child!

What happened to Peterson’s son was battery with a weapon. There is no other lens with which to view what happened.  With all due respect to the Sean Hannitys of the world who think beating a toddler with a stick is a good way to teach them a lesson, it’s not. There are decades of research with more evidence than can be cited here that show if you want to get a behavior to stop – the best way to get it to stop is to stop rewarding it while you give the animal a different way to reach their reward.  Negative reinforcement – which is what physical punishment is – is still reinforcement and it is counterproductive.  So if you really wanted to discipline a child, wouldn't you do so in a way so that they would actually learn what you want them to?  Yeah – I thought so.  Beating a toddler with a stick doesn’t teach them anything except to be afraid. And ... there is a lot of science to back that up.

Additionally, there is new research that shows hitting also impacts brain development negatively.  So, not only does hitting a toddler with a stick not produce better behavior, it causes brain damage.  It’s abusive and unnecessary and counterproductive.

People really do need to learn alternate ways to get their kids to comply with their requests. The good news is those alternate ways are way more effective at helping kids learn to be powerfully ethical and self-sufficient. No hitting required.

What are these other more effective techniques? I’m glad you asked. 

I am a Humanist and a parent. I have a very well behaved child. I have never hit him. He is given consequences and we use the Socratic method to help him choose behaviors that will benefit him and our family. He is free to choose his actions, but there are consequences, both good and bad depending on his choices.  My goal as a Humanist parent is not to have an obedient child. I want a child who can make good decisions for himself, including going against authority if authority is wrong. That requires me to help him learn how to make decisions. The Socratic method is fabulous for this. As soon as he could talk – we started reasoning with him.  It takes a bit more effort on the front end, but it pays off in spades as they grow.

We also used time outs. These are not considered punishments.  They are an opportunity for you to collect yourself and your emotions and to get your emotions out without harming those around you. Mommy and daddy take time outs when we need to and our son has been taking time outs for himself for several years now (he’s 9 as I write this).  Again – it’s not a problem to be frustrated or angry, our goal is to not do something we will regret while we are frustrated or angry. And sometimes, you just need to go somewhere alone and vent. We all do.  As a result, when we have disagreements in our home, they are settled rationally and without yelling.

If my son starts to do something he shouldn’t, I ask him if he really wants to do that.  The answer is usually no. If he starts to negotiate and it’s something we can be flexible on – we negotiate. If it isn’t negotiable – like getting a shot or something, we tell him – this isn’t something you can negotiate. We rarely have problems anymore.

A non-violent approach to child discipline works incredibly well. Anyone who meets my son will attest to that. So, stop hitting your children and teach them how to make good decisions for themselves.

It takes a village

Humanist parenting – collectively – even when the other parents aren't humanists.

I live in a nice neighborhood. We have a lot of kids, they all run around playing together. My son has the requisite scrapes and bug bites one would expect of a kid who spends time playing outside with friends.

And, as is to be expected, not all the kids are nice and wonderful. It happens.  And I think my approach as  humanist has really helped. Not just me, but the kids and the other parents.

You see, I don’t assume that just because a kid is acting inappropriate that there is anything wrong with them or that their parents are horrid and teaching them to be bad. I assume, instead, that they are a little kid who may have picked up some bad habits. Sure, it could be caused by bad parenting, but then again, that’s an assumption.

Whenever we have had problems, I go to the other parent and talk to them.  I realize this is a shocking thing to do but here’s what happens. We, together, end up making plan to help their kid learn how to behave better.  I know I would want to know if my son was being a horrid little shit to other kids. And so far, the other parents have appreciated knowing what their kid has been getting up to while they are out of sight.

It really does take a village and it takes compassion and trust and a willingness to reach out and help one another to help these kids learn how to maximize their strengths while learning how to be fair and kind to other kids at the same time. Because in every instance, the problems were a result of a highly intelligent child learning they can manipulate others.  That’s heady power. And with great power comes great responsibility. Our jobs is not to shut energy and talent down but to help the child learn how to channel that power for good.

And isn’t that a much more proactive and powerful way to think about interpersonal dynamics your kid is experiencing?   Will this work every time?  No. But unless you reach out to the other parents to see if that is what they want for their kid, you will never know. Don’t write off the obnoxious kids without learning more about them and their families. Just don’t.  Extend to them the same compassion you would want for yourself.

Don’t try to parent while tired

Tag Team Parenting is critical to happy parenting.

I try not to parent while tired. When I parent while tired, all my ideals as a parent go out the window. Instead of a happy household where the kid is well behaved and we are laughing and getting stuff done, it devolves into a screaming mess with either me or my son taking a time out. I know I do pretty well because I rarely have to take a time out and neither does my son.  But it does happen. And when it does, no one feels good about what just happened.

As I’m the adult, it’s my responsibility to make a change when things aren't working.  And what I’ve realized is that when I realize I am tired, I need to hand my son off to my husband to handle for me so that he can be the calm rational parent our kid deserves.  Because really, when our son is tired and cranky, having a tired and cranky parent isn’t going to help him calm down.  So – we tag team so that he can, hopefully have a calm parent to care for him..

 I realize that I’m lucky because I’m married and I have a partner parent who I can tag team our kid with.  Many parents are not so lucky. They are it. But as I’ve grown into parenting with my kid, more and more I realize that – it takes a village is really true.

My son has friends in the neighborhood and I do go out and spend time socializing with the other parents as the kids play.  Now, I know what you are thinking, if they are at another parent’s house- free child care!  And I do take advantage of that. But here’s the thing, my fellow parents and I act as a tag team when we need it.  So if one of the neighbors isn’t feeling well, the kids will play at our house. Need to have an uncomfortable conversation with an ex – shuttle the kids off to a neighbor’s house.

This sort of neighborhood tag teaming is only possible if the adults get to know one another and commit to supporting each other as parents so that we can all do better. When there is a behavioral problem with one of the kids, we get together and discuss how to handle it so we are all working together to help the kid cope better and learn to behave better.

Take the time to develop a parenting support network so that when you need someone to take over for you, you have help. You do have to nurture yourself.  Don’t try to parent while tired. It rarely ends well.

What to teach a child

3 skills humanist parents should teach their child.

I am a humanist parent. But I’m not raising my child to be a Humanist. His philosophic orientation is for him to decide.  My job is to prepare him for life, and to make that decision for himself.  Here are the skills I think parents should be teaching their children.

• Teach child to think critically
• Teach child to be ethical
• Teach child to be responsible

If a child can think critically, he/she/ze can weigh evidence and figure out what is true, sort of true, sort of not true and totally false for themselves.  Critical thinking provides the foundation for freedom of thought and without freedom of thought, we aren’t free.

I also want my child to have a strong moral compass. It isn’t enough to be logical and rational and able to decide what is true and false. That knowledge has to be put to good use. And to determine what is good and bad requires a moral code of some sort. I am teaching my son the importance of compassion because, to me, as a Humanist, this is the foundation of all moral reasoning.

Finally, I am trying to teach him to be responsible. I say trying, because he’s 8. Regardless, he has responsibilities in the house. He is responsible for his actions and he is expected to act in a way that causes as little harm to others as possible and when he errs, to apologize and make an effort to fix things.  He does this, very well. My goal is to help him understand that we are all interrelated and we are all morally obligated to make sure our impact on others is good and not bad and to do that, we have to consciously choose our actions, as much as we are capable of doing that. Again, he’s 8 and even if he wasn't we all have our moments (just ask my husband when I am cranky from lack of food).

If my son grows up to be a compassionate critical thinker who is a responsible person. I will have done my job.  What do you think are the most important skills we should be teaching our children?

How to encourage your child to speak up

How to encourage your tween or teen to talk to you so that you can help them navigate puberty successfully. 

If you want a kid who speaks out against bullying, injustice, or even just a kid who will tell you when something is wrong so that you can help them, you have to start encouraging this behavior when they are young. You can’t take a kid who you have encouraged to remain silent for 15 years and suddenly start having them reporting bad behavior or things that trouble them.

Reporting has to be rewarded. Most of the time it is not. The adults around kids don’t want to be bothered by petty stuff. The problem is if a kid can’t trust you to listen attentively to the petty stuff, they aren’t going to trust you with the important stuff.

It takes time for kids to open up. I had one parent go through my bullying course with her 9 year old and it took about a month before her daughter starting actually telling her what was happening, which included her daughter receiving death threats on a fairly regular basis. The mom knew things were amiss, she just had no idea how bad things really were.

The lesson is that in order to get kids to report things that upset them or scare them or frighten them, we adults have to be willing to listen to and help them with the petty stuff first.

Most of us find the petty stuff really annoying and, well, petty.  I know I can only listen to my 7 year old talk about the layout of his 100 trillion room mansion for about 2 days before I start asking him to talk about something else. Regardless of how difficult it is, start paying attention. Your child is telling you this petty stuff to test you out to see if you can be trusted. Earn that trust by putting in the time needed. You will be rewarded by having a kid that will tell you when something is wrong later on.

If you have a teen and you want to start encouraging them to speak up, the best way I have found is to start having conversations about ethics and personal responsibility and decision making. This will help them think through who they want to be and help them ground their future decisions in a way they and you can be proud of. Kids want to have these conversations; it is up to the parent to initiate them. Talk about every day decisions, who to date, how to date, whether or not to drink, who is nice, who isn’t and why. Talk about how they might make decisions about who to hang out with in a way that benefits not only themselves but the people around them. (If you need help getting started - check out my book The Humanist Approach to Happiness)

Once those lines of communication open up and your child feels comfortable talking to you about things that are bothering them, they will start telling you about the stuff that scares them as well. Once you can talk about ethics and personal responsibility, your child will want to ask and discuss stuff they think is ethically questionable and/or dangerous. Just give them time and don’t freak out when they bring these things up. They need you to be calm and responsive and not a parent in freak out mode.

For instance, if they tell you a friend was talking about suicide, calmly ask them who and have them help you develop a plan for intervention. Don’t take this from them; help them take the lead in doing what is right.

Just remember, you have to work your way to that level of trust with your child. You can’t rush it. The only way to get there is through deep, meaningful and not annoying conversations.

Family Rules for a Happy Household

Being explicit about expected behaviors helps children learn responsibility towards others. It teaches them that other people matter and are to be valued.

I was discussing family rules with some friends. These are rules of how members of a family are expected to treat one another. The goal is to have a happy household.  My friend Pam said her children came up with the following rules. 

• ·         Be kind
• ·         Be gentle
• ·         Exercise self-control

Her kids figured that everything fit within those three things and they did. The biggest hassle of being in a family is that your actions impact others directly. Being self centered hurts your family in a way that may not be evident or as direct and immediate as it is with your other friends.

For instance, if someone fails to put the milk away and it sours overnight, then no one will have milk for their breakfast cereal. Use the last of the hot water because you just had to have an extra-long shower and everyone else has to take a cold shower, which is rather annoying and unpleasant.

By focusing on being kind and gentle you remind yourself to take other people’s needs into account in addition to your own. By exercising self-control you take responsibility for your actions. You actively work to make sure you don’t negatively impact the other people in your house.  In short, these rules help make sure you balance your needs with the needs of those around you.  Which to me, is what Humanism is all about.

Does your family have rules of conduct? If so, what are they? My family’s rules are be nice, do your fair share of the housework and if you are in a bad mood, give yourself a time out so that you don’t negatively impact others.