Hope - Joy - and Existential Dread

 My son was working on a - intro to himself paper for his teacher. Actually it was an odd poem form.  One of the lines was - Hope - Joy - Existential Dread.

It makes sense. Most of the time, he's pretty happy. Even though he hasn't seen his friends in person since - March! 

He's back in school - but only virtually. His friends that went back - didn't want to because - Covid - but he said they have a morbid humor about it. Apparently - they are all going to die from climate change - so why would it matter if they die a few years early. 

The adult in me - is horrified. Children should NOT be thinking like that. On the other hand - I remember doing duck and cover drills for nuclear war when I was a kid, living in Los Angeles, - ground zero. All our parents worked in aerospace. And I remember - every time we did a duck and cover drill how stupid it was because - while hiding under a desk can save us from an earthquake - it can't save us from disintegration.  My best friend Meghan and I agreed - if we heard the sirens go off for real (we had a noon test of the warning system daily), we would head to the beach and - die there. 

My son and his friends existential dread - is horrifying as a parent - but also - kind of normal when I think back on my childhood. 

I actually think my son's approach - that he is both hopeful and joyful and filled with existential dread - is just - normal for life.  Whoopie, We're all going to die! That predates me. So does - How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Bomb. 

Should we worry about our children? Of course. But worrying about death is - to a certain extent normal and we all have to come to terms with our eventual mortality and be grateful for the time we do have. 

Living beats the alternative. 

Sometimes you win by not fighting - parenting edition

Rain Dove - a trans activist on Instagram - recently had a conversation with a distraught parent about their teens - body issues. Rain Dove - handled this so well - the parent - who starts out - mad and accusatory - ends up thanking Rain for the help they gave.

First the link - then the discussion on why this is a beautiful example of how compassion can help you fix problems that would otherwise be arguments.

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Parents I promise that a professional binder is a safer option for your teen than alternatives they might be using. Getting them one as a gift can be life saving. A great brand and resource is @gc2b they even recently gave me a whole box to donate when in SA. Amazing conscientious and involved company. Binding ones chest can be a dangerous thing- especially when using alternative options like I used to do. Ace bandage and ducttape lead to skin tearing, fractured ribs and I even passed out once after taking off the binding from the oxygen rushing into my system again. I have models I’ve worked with who will testify times in which they saw my body distorted after inappropriate binding practices. People bind for many reasons. It’s not always identity or dysphoria related. Especially people with larger breasts have expressed binding has been lifesaving in functional terms. Binding CAN be lifesaving and ease much anxiety. I must note that it alone won’t make someone feel complete in their existence. We must work to dismantle toxic oppressions that lead to social oppressions and anxieties. We must create a space of love for all people to live in no matter their bodies. We must create a safe space for dialogue. #LoveWins #noteasybutworthit #nonbinary #memes #educatedonthate #binding #lgbtq #genderfluid #trans #lovewins #grsm NOTE: Sammys parent gave me permission to post this convo! Always important to make sure You have permission! The photo is not their real face.

A post shared by Rain Dove (@raindovemodel) on Dec 2, 2019 at 8:02am PST

https://www.instagram.com/p/B5k3aaZlOxB/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet

Basically - a child wants to bind their chest, the parent is scared about what this all means and blames the trans activist. The trans activist tells the parent how much it's clear that they care for their child and then gently leads them to understand that if they reject their child now, the child may self harm and as a loving parent - they should make sure their child has the support they need so they don't self harm.

The entire transcript of the conversation is beautiful because it recognizes a truth. Anger is often fear in disguise.

How much better would the world be if instead of responding to anger with anger - we responded with love and compassion instead.

https://humanistlearning.com/socratic-jujitsu/

Having an open mind

Non-religious parents, like all parents, have a lot of anxiety about how they are raising their kids. One of the most frequent questions I get is about what to do when their kids start experimenting with religion.

For those of you who are religious, this may seem like a weird thing to freak out about. For most people of faith, their faith is a source of comfort.  But some people don’t just have bad experiences, they have super bad experiences.

While not everyone who isn’t religious has had bad experience (me for example), some do. For those who do have bad experiences, watching their kids explore faith traditions and try them on and experiment with them is nerve-wracking and upsetting. I understand why, even if I don’t share their fears.

What I can tell you, having been raised without religion and having experimented with religions and explored them, is that, most kids come out the other side ok. As long as you make sure their education is factual and doesn’t involve cults, they will eventually come to a decision about what it is they themselves believe.

What we should be striving for as parents isn’t to indoctrinate our kids, but to encourage them to think freely. To do that, they have to experience and learn about and yes, try on, other belief systems.   Help them by giving them an education in religious literacy. What are the variety of ways humans approach matters of faith. What are religions vs belief systems? Go to churches, temples and synagogues and explore together.

Just as kids need parental guidance on what they watch and guidance as it relates to frienships and drugs and drinking. Kids also need guidance on religious matters.  Don’t tell them what to belief. That is not free thought. Help them learn HOW to think and make good decisions for themselves.

If you are struggling with this with your tween or teen – consider getting my book: The Humanist Approach to Happiness which is designed to help parents discuss ethical decision making in a variety of context (drugs, relationships, sex etc). It is approved for the UUA curricular and the Royal Military College of Canada. It’s a good book and it will help you jump start important ethical conversations with your child.

The point is to have an open mind and don’t saddle your kids with your baggage. Let them pick out their own, with your guidance and support.

Dealing with Death

Humanism helps us cope with death

One of the big fears people of faith seem to have is how they will cope with loss and death without the promise of an afterlife.  We non-religious do just fine. Not only fine, but most of us are convinced the non-religious and specifically humanistic approach to dealing with death is superior.  Here’s why.

Acceptance:

The grief process is all about acceptance. We fight it, we try to hide from it. We bargain, we deny and eventually we accept death.  Humanists, just accept death. We don’t go through all the rigmarole.  Or rather we do, but we take a short cut. As soon as our brains try to deny reality – we tell our brains – sorry – you need to accept this. The grief process is shorter for us and we view that as a good thing.  Grief sucks. It feels horrible.  We are ok with feeling bad. After all, how else would you feel when something bad happens. But there is no reason to wallow unnecessarily. Getting on with life is a good thing and accepting death helps us to do that – sooner rather than later.

Elimination of Fear

I don’t fear death. I don’t want to die but I understand that at some point I will. So I have no reason to fuss and worry about it in the meantime. All I can do is take care of myself and try to keep my body health and not take any unnecessary risks. After that – worry won’t improve my chances so why engage in it?  Not only that but I know I have a limited amount of time on earth. It would be silly to waste it worry about something that is, in the end, inevitable.

Living Life Fully

Speaking of inevitable, knowing I am going to die gives my life an immediacy to it. I have a limited amount of time on earth. Despite all my good intentions and exercising and eating right, I could still die tomorrow. Accepting that means I don’t spend time worry about it. Instead, I think – ok – how do I make the most of the time I have. There is nothing quite like knowing you are going to die to help you live life fully now. There is a saying, live like you are going to die tomorrow, plan as if you are going to live forever. That’s pretty much what life is like every day as a humanist.  And It’s a pretty awesome state of mind to be in.

Who knew that accepting death would provide so much happiness?  The Humanists do.

To learn more about coping with death as a Humanist - check out the book: The Humanist Approach to Grief and Grieving. http://humanistgrief.com/

If you need to help a child cope with death - check out this free video lesson: https://humanistlearning.com/how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-death/

Struggling with who you are as a Parent

New parents, especially the parent who is the primary care giver, often struggle with identity issues. I struggled with this and can say, it gets better as they get older.

Here is a complaint from one of my online mom friends: “Am I just a boob? Why can’t I sleep when I want to? Why do I get resentful when my significant other sleeps! Seriously – when did I start thinking sleep time was something that has to be monitored?!?”

I hear you. Parenthood, especially in the first few years is all consuming. First, you gotta keep the kid alive. Turns out that requires some 24/7 monitoring. Or what feels like 24/7 monitoring. Next, they need you emotionally. If they are awake, you have to be awake too. You don’t get to sleep in anymore. Can’t go out unless you make arrangements. Heck, you can’t even use the bathroom without them for a while.

Sex Positive Parenting

Sex shaming, vs. healthy relationships.

Lea Grover has a great article on what sex positive parenting is really like. See: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lea-grover/this-is-what-sex-positive-parenting-really-looks-like_b_5516707.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

My favorite quote from the article is:

“And that's what sex-positive parenting really is. Not telling my kids lies about sex to keep them from behaviors I don't think are healthy. It's telling them the truth, the whole truth, and letting it sink in so they can make their own good choices.”

I agree. I have a son and we took the same approach to his masturbation. That’s something you do for yourself in private.  We have taken the same approach to boundaries. When someone says stop, you stop. It doesn't matter if you were having fun in a tickle fight, or a pillow fight. When the other person says stop. It’s over.

And as for the – you get to decide if something is right for you or not. I know I am doing OK. Because when something happened, involving an older neighborhood boy, my son came to me – to tell me because it upset him. He knew he could talk to me and that I wouldn't freak out. We had never told him that certain things were bad. We only have told him that his private things are for him and he should only share them if he wants to. And, so he had no fear coming to me to tell me that something had happened that he wasn't OK with. 

In our family we don’t shame sex in an effort to keep our son from exploring sex.  What makes sex ethical and OK is if it is consensual. If it is not – that’s what I want to know about. And because that’s where we have placed the emphasis, that’s why my son felt comfortable telling me about something that made him uncomfortable and that he wasn't ready for.

And this is important, because if he had not told me, the rather normal you show me yours, I’ll show you mine game that made him so uncomfortable, could have progressed to something worse had he not asked for help to get it to stop.

Simply put – sex positive parenting helps protect kids from sexual abuse. Kids who are raised with the concept of consent and safety aren't afraid to tell their parents when something happens to them that makes them uncomfortable.

Unlike the other child involved who also was present when this older boy convinced them to show off their privates.  When she was asked, she resisted telling the truth. She was crying and afraid to tell her parent what had happened even though she was aware that her parent already knew it had happened because my son and I had told her what had happened.  This little girl was convinced she was going to be in trouble because an older boy took advantage of younger kid’s naivete.  Why was she so scared? Because her parent and told her that showing her privates to others was wrong and something she shouldn't do. Her fear she was going to get in trouble was so strong that even with her parent telling her that she didn't do anything wrong, that the older boy was to blame, this little girl was still convinced she was bad and was going to get into trouble for having had this happen.

If you want to protect your child from sexual abuse, you need to be careful of the messages you send them. Treating sex as something shameful, to be hidden or not talked about because it is private means that if your child experiences something sexual that made them uncomfortable, they will not talk about it because you have already told them, this isn't something we talk about.

If you want them to feel safe coming to you with things that upset them, you have to make it clear, it’s OK to talk about and discuss sex and that they can come to you to ask questions and get information on how to stay safe when they are confused. Because things are going to happen. And sex, even for adults can be very confusing. Don’t tell your kids to be afraid of sex. Help them understand both the good and scary aspects of it so that they can learn how to maximize the good and avoid causing or experiencing harm.

What to teach a child

3 skills humanist parents should teach their child.

I am a humanist parent. But I’m not raising my child to be a Humanist. His philosophic orientation is for him to decide.  My job is to prepare him for life, and to make that decision for himself.  Here are the skills I think parents should be teaching their children.

• Teach child to think critically
• Teach child to be ethical
• Teach child to be responsible

If a child can think critically, he/she/ze can weigh evidence and figure out what is true, sort of true, sort of not true and totally false for themselves.  Critical thinking provides the foundation for freedom of thought and without freedom of thought, we aren’t free.

I also want my child to have a strong moral compass. It isn’t enough to be logical and rational and able to decide what is true and false. That knowledge has to be put to good use. And to determine what is good and bad requires a moral code of some sort. I am teaching my son the importance of compassion because, to me, as a Humanist, this is the foundation of all moral reasoning.

Finally, I am trying to teach him to be responsible. I say trying, because he’s 8. Regardless, he has responsibilities in the house. He is responsible for his actions and he is expected to act in a way that causes as little harm to others as possible and when he errs, to apologize and make an effort to fix things.  He does this, very well. My goal is to help him understand that we are all interrelated and we are all morally obligated to make sure our impact on others is good and not bad and to do that, we have to consciously choose our actions, as much as we are capable of doing that. Again, he’s 8 and even if he wasn't we all have our moments (just ask my husband when I am cranky from lack of food).

If my son grows up to be a compassionate critical thinker who is a responsible person. I will have done my job.  What do you think are the most important skills we should be teaching our children?

Choice, Feminism and Humanism

Why having a choice in life matters.

I have a friend. This friend is a woman who chose not to have children. Her choice was not to be child free, just to not have children of her own. Her choice wasn’t even to have an abortion; it was a choice to not get pregnant in the first place. For some reason that choice was and is still considered radical. It’s one thing if you can’t have children of your own. That makes you an object of pity, but to choose to not have your own children ever? Well, that just isn’t normal. Is it?

And this gets to the heart of the matter and why choice, feminism and Humanism are so important even now. I am a mom. I love being a mom, but that is a role I chose for myself. I choose a lot of things for myself, like what I will eat and wear. Where I want to live, who I want to live with and what sort of work I want to do. Every day I make a slew of choices. Most are mundane, but sometimes, they are life altering, like the decision to get married and another decision to become a parent.

My friend took the decision to be a biological parent seriously. After all, it’s a big choice and it has a huge impact on your life and so of course you should have the right to choose it.  Except that when it became publically known she had chosen not to be pregnant, not because she couldn’t, but because she didn’t want to, she lost her job as a teacher and ended up becoming an advocate for a woman’s right to choose to be childfree.

I take my ability to make these choices for granted because I grew up in a household where I was given autonomy.  I was not indoctrinated in religion because what I choose to believe is just that, my choice. So it shocks me when I meet people whose choices, that impact them and them alone, are not accepted by others, like the reaction my friend still gets as a result of making her choice public.

Her story is a fascinating one and I highly recommend you read her book: Confessions of a Childfree Woman: A Life Spent Swimming Against the Mainstream 

Cuddle Your Kids

File this under Humanistic Parenting.

It turns out that how much you cuddle your children impacts how their brain develops. (See article in NY Times here: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/21/opinion/sunday/kristof-cuddle-your-kid.html?ref=todayspaper&_r=2& )

Early childhood stress can be toxic to the development of the prefrontal cortex. In other words, good character development, the ability to think before you act, which is tied to brain anatomy, is flexible and impacted by how we treat our children.

More love means more resilient kids. Success in life isn’t just a measure of willpower. It is also a matter of basic brain capabilities. Cuddling and nurturing our children when they are young has a long term impact on their resiliency and fortitude as adults. It isn’t the only factor, obviously, but it does play a part.

I personally love the lovey dovey part of parenting. The fact that it helps my son become a better person, bonus!  

It’s Not About You!

Image: imagerymajestic /
 FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I’ve recently released a book on bullying (free on KindleMay 14th & 15th 2012 by the way) and as a result, I’m getting a lot of adults talking to me about their own experiences with bullying. It’s clear that pretty much everyone I know was traumatized by bullying as a kid.

Anyway, one person referred me to the essays at Salon on writers confrontingtheir childhood bullies as adults. What struck me about these essays was that in almost all the cases the bully either didn’t really remember specific instances, though they remember teasing or being mean, and/or they talked about how traumatized they were during the period of time and that they themselves were so overwrought with nervousness, stress or bullying themselves.

These essays validate what I’ve been trying to teach people for years and what is at the heart of my book, The Bully Vaccine. The world does not revolve around you. When someone is mean to you it rarely has anything to do with you. The person being mean has their own issues they are dealing with and those issues are rarely about you. This is why these bullies don’t really remember being mean or bullying . Their experience wasn’t about their victims. It was about them and what they themselves were going through at that time.  They, like everyone else, were kids just trying to survive childhood with all the pressures growing up brings with it.

This tidbit of wisdom has so many important ramifications that I devote 2 ½ chapters of my Happiness book to this concept and my entire Bullying book to it. Let me try to summarize. First, by understanding that a bully’s behavior isn’t about you, even though they are being mean to you, you don’t take what they do personally. If you don’t take it personally, you aren’t hurt by what they are doing. You feel sorry for them instead.  

Whenever someone is mean to you, always remember, it’s not about you!

Standing Tall

I just published a book on bullying called, The BullyVaccine.  I was talking to my son about bullying the other day since I’ve taught him the skills I teach in the book and he said, it’s important to stand strong and have courage.

I agree. The problem is, how does one do that?  It isn’t’ easy.  As I was pondering this concept of standing tall, I realized something important. Standing up for yourself doesn’t mean you get violent or demean the person you are standing up to.

Yes, you are defying them, but the best way to stand tall is to stand up, look your oppressor right in the eye and basically say – you don’t scare me and no, I’m not going to stoop to your level. It’s an act of compassionate non-compliance.

It isn’t about fighting back. It’s about declaring that you aren’t going to play the game a bully is playing anymore. And that’s why standing up is such an act of courage.

I don’t think it’s just kids that need to learn this lesson. It’s the adults as well.

Here is a video of my son talking about bullying.

The Humanist Household: Helping Kids Through Anger: Coping Skills

Image: David Castillo Dominici /
 FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A large portion of my work is teaching people how to cope with life. How to think before you act so that your actions are beneficial and not harmful.  We call this adaptive vs. maladaptive coping. It's a central focus on my Humanist Life Skills Course actually. My friend over at The Humanist Household just did a wonderful post about helping kids learn adaptive coping skills and I love it and it's what I do with my son.

Enjoy -  The Humanist Household: Helping Kids Through Anger: Coping Skills: We all have coping skills because we all have to cope with things we don't like.  The real question is whether our coping skills are constructive or destructive.  READ ARTICLE HERE