Ethics requires courage

As a Humanist parent, like all parents, I want my son to succeed. More importantly, my hope is that he will become ethically courageous. I know that he will be well served if he can become confident in himself. 

Whether it is dealing with bullies or doing the right thing in a difficult situation, the problem seems to be one of confidence. If they are confident in themselves, they will have the courage they need to stand up and be ethical.

The problem with this is that teaching kids to be confident doesn’t help them. That is because confidence isn’t something you can teach. It has to be earned. The real question we should be asking is how to encourage kids, and adults for that matter, to learn the skills they need so that they can overcome the challenges they face so that they can become confident as individuals. The answer is in the root of encourage. And that is courage.

With my son, our biggest challenge is to get him to try. He has fears and in order to teach him new skills, we have to help him overcome those fears. Even learning to ride a bicycle required him to overcome the fear of falling. Our job is to help him find the courage to try and try again until he succeeds. As he succeeds, he gains confidence.

The same holds true to being an ethical person. The will to be good is there. The challenge is to be courageous enough to stand up for what is right. There are no shortcuts that work.

Part of being a Humanist is to choose to live life courageously. We don’t expect things to be easy. We expect to have to work to overcome the challenges we all face in life. So don’t focus on helping your child to be confident. Help them to be courageous instead. Having courage will serve them better throughout the course of their lives than being overly confident will.

How do you find courage? How do you help your child overcome his or her fears to become courageous? 

Family Rules for a Happy Household

Being explicit about expected behaviors helps children learn responsibility towards others. It teaches them that other people matter and are to be valued.

I was discussing family rules with some friends. These are rules of how members of a family are expected to treat one another. The goal is to have a happy household.  My friend Pam said her children came up with the following rules. 

• ·         Be kind
• ·         Be gentle
• ·         Exercise self-control

Her kids figured that everything fit within those three things and they did. The biggest hassle of being in a family is that your actions impact others directly. Being self centered hurts your family in a way that may not be evident or as direct and immediate as it is with your other friends.

For instance, if someone fails to put the milk away and it sours overnight, then no one will have milk for their breakfast cereal. Use the last of the hot water because you just had to have an extra-long shower and everyone else has to take a cold shower, which is rather annoying and unpleasant.

By focusing on being kind and gentle you remind yourself to take other people’s needs into account in addition to your own. By exercising self-control you take responsibility for your actions. You actively work to make sure you don’t negatively impact the other people in your house.  In short, these rules help make sure you balance your needs with the needs of those around you.  Which to me, is what Humanism is all about.

Does your family have rules of conduct? If so, what are they? My family’s rules are be nice, do your fair share of the housework and if you are in a bad mood, give yourself a time out so that you don’t negatively impact others. 

Standing Tall

I just published a book on bullying called, The BullyVaccine.  I was talking to my son about bullying the other day since I’ve taught him the skills I teach in the book and he said, it’s important to stand strong and have courage.

I agree. The problem is, how does one do that?  It isn’t’ easy.  As I was pondering this concept of standing tall, I realized something important. Standing up for yourself doesn’t mean you get violent or demean the person you are standing up to.

Yes, you are defying them, but the best way to stand tall is to stand up, look your oppressor right in the eye and basically say – you don’t scare me and no, I’m not going to stoop to your level. It’s an act of compassionate non-compliance.

It isn’t about fighting back. It’s about declaring that you aren’t going to play the game a bully is playing anymore. And that’s why standing up is such an act of courage.

I don’t think it’s just kids that need to learn this lesson. It’s the adults as well.

Here is a video of my son talking about bullying.