For Parents – teaching kids how to make good decisions

The goal of humanistic parenting is to raise autonomous human beings capable of making good decisions, as in decisions that don’t get them killed or cause harm to themselves and others.

There are a lot of ways to die.  And it simply isn’t true that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Sometimes what doesn’t kill us leaves us permanently disabled.  Sure, we can persevere and still have an amazing life, but it will be different and more difficult.

I know of no parent who would wish extra difficulties on their kids. Life is hard enough without adding to the difficulties you already have, whatever they are.

As humanist parents, our job is to help our children grow into autonomous human beings who can basically function independently without doing too much harm to themselves or others. In order for our kids to learn that, they have to learn how to make decisions. How to weigh the pros and cons and how to make choices despite their instincts which may be compelling them to do really horrendously stupid things.

How can you help your child make better decisions, by teaching them, explicitly, how to make decisions. How to weigh the pros and cons of any given situation. Helping them understand the benefit of taking the time out of their hormone ridden lives to actually do some thinking.

Telling them the answer isn’t helping them learn how to think. I’m not saying don’t set boundaries. I’m saying explain why you set those boundaries and be open to negotiation about where exactly that boundary may be. Encourage your child to set their own boundaries and to make their own choices. Walk them through possible consequences, both good and bad so they get in the habit of this sort of structured thinking early on.

Is it easier to just insist they do things a certain way and demand compliance? Actually it isn’t. When you chose to demand they behave a certain way – they learn moral and intellectual dependence. That’s way more exhausting to deal with. I would much rather have a kid who can think through problems for themselves and who is morally independent because then, I don’t have to worry about them so much!

If you have a tween or teen, consider reading The Humanist Approach to Happiness together and discussing the situations you find in there and how they might think about similar situations in their lives.

If you have a teen or young adult, consider having them take the online course Planning for Personal Success, which will help them think through their choices more effectively.

Both of these parenting resources cover all the topics parents tend to worry about - sex, and drugs and relationships.

Ethics requires courage

As a Humanist parent, like all parents, I want my son to succeed. More importantly, my hope is that he will become ethically courageous. I know that he will be well served if he can become confident in himself. 

Whether it is dealing with bullies or doing the right thing in a difficult situation, the problem seems to be one of confidence. If they are confident in themselves, they will have the courage they need to stand up and be ethical.

The problem with this is that teaching kids to be confident doesn’t help them. That is because confidence isn’t something you can teach. It has to be earned. The real question we should be asking is how to encourage kids, and adults for that matter, to learn the skills they need so that they can overcome the challenges they face so that they can become confident as individuals. The answer is in the root of encourage. And that is courage.

With my son, our biggest challenge is to get him to try. He has fears and in order to teach him new skills, we have to help him overcome those fears. Even learning to ride a bicycle required him to overcome the fear of falling. Our job is to help him find the courage to try and try again until he succeeds. As he succeeds, he gains confidence.

The same holds true to being an ethical person. The will to be good is there. The challenge is to be courageous enough to stand up for what is right. There are no shortcuts that work.

Part of being a Humanist is to choose to live life courageously. We don’t expect things to be easy. We expect to have to work to overcome the challenges we all face in life. So don’t focus on helping your child to be confident. Help them to be courageous instead. Having courage will serve them better throughout the course of their lives than being overly confident will.

How do you find courage? How do you help your child overcome his or her fears to become courageous? 

Family Rules for a Happy Household

Being explicit about expected behaviors helps children learn responsibility towards others. It teaches them that other people matter and are to be valued.

I was discussing family rules with some friends. These are rules of how members of a family are expected to treat one another. The goal is to have a happy household.  My friend Pam said her children came up with the following rules. 

• ·         Be kind
• ·         Be gentle
• ·         Exercise self-control

Her kids figured that everything fit within those three things and they did. The biggest hassle of being in a family is that your actions impact others directly. Being self centered hurts your family in a way that may not be evident or as direct and immediate as it is with your other friends.

For instance, if someone fails to put the milk away and it sours overnight, then no one will have milk for their breakfast cereal. Use the last of the hot water because you just had to have an extra-long shower and everyone else has to take a cold shower, which is rather annoying and unpleasant.

By focusing on being kind and gentle you remind yourself to take other people’s needs into account in addition to your own. By exercising self-control you take responsibility for your actions. You actively work to make sure you don’t negatively impact the other people in your house.  In short, these rules help make sure you balance your needs with the needs of those around you.  Which to me, is what Humanism is all about.

Does your family have rules of conduct? If so, what are they? My family’s rules are be nice, do your fair share of the housework and if you are in a bad mood, give yourself a time out so that you don’t negatively impact others.