Sex shaming, vs. healthy relationships.
Lea Grover has a great article on what sex positive
parenting is really like. See: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lea-grover/this-is-what-sex-positive-parenting-really-looks-like_b_5516707.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063
My favorite quote from the article is:
“And that's what sex-positive parenting really is. Not telling my kids lies about sex to keep them from behaviors I don't think are healthy. It's telling them the truth, the whole truth, and letting it sink in so they can make their own good choices.”
I agree. I have a son and we took the same approach to his
masturbation. That’s something you do for yourself in private. We have taken the same approach to
boundaries. When someone says stop, you stop. It doesn't matter if you were
having fun in a tickle fight, or a pillow fight. When the other person says
stop. It’s over.
And as for the – you get to decide if something is right for
you or not. I know I am doing OK. Because when something happened, involving an
older neighborhood boy, my son came to me – to tell me because it upset him. He
knew he could talk to me and that I wouldn't freak out. We had never told him
that certain things were bad. We only have told him that his private things are
for him and he should only share them if he wants to. And, so he had no fear
coming to me to tell me that something had happened that he wasn't OK
with.
In our family we don’t shame sex in an effort to keep our
son from exploring sex. What makes sex
ethical and OK is if it is consensual. If it is not – that’s what I want to
know about. And because that’s where we have placed the emphasis, that’s why my
son felt comfortable telling me about something that made him uncomfortable and
that he wasn't ready for.
And this is important, because if he had not told me, the
rather normal you show me yours, I’ll show you mine game that made him so
uncomfortable, could have progressed to something worse had he not asked for
help to get it to stop.
Simply put – sex positive parenting helps protect kids from
sexual abuse. Kids who are raised with the concept of consent and safety aren't
afraid to tell their parents when something happens to them that makes them
uncomfortable.
Unlike the other child involved who also was present when
this older boy convinced them to show off their privates. When she was asked, she resisted telling the
truth. She was crying and afraid to tell her parent what had happened even though
she was aware that her parent already knew it had happened because my son and I
had told her what had happened. This
little girl was convinced she was going to be in trouble because an older boy
took advantage of younger kid’s naivete.
Why was she so scared? Because her parent and told her that showing her
privates to others was wrong and something she shouldn't do. Her fear she was
going to get in trouble was so strong that even with her parent telling her
that she didn't do anything wrong, that the older boy was to blame, this little
girl was still convinced she was bad and was going to get into trouble for
having had this happen.
If you want to protect your child from sexual abuse, you
need to be careful of the messages you send them. Treating sex as something
shameful, to be hidden or not talked about because it is private means that if
your child experiences something sexual that made them uncomfortable, they will
not talk about it because you have already told them, this isn't something we
talk about.
If you want them to feel safe coming to you with things that
upset them, you have to make it clear, it’s OK to talk about and discuss sex
and that they can come to you to ask questions and get information on how to
stay safe when they are confused. Because things are going to happen. And sex,
even for adults can be very confusing. Don’t tell your kids to be afraid of
sex. Help them understand both the good and scary aspects of it so that they
can learn how to maximize the good and avoid causing or experiencing harm.
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