Hope - Joy - and Existential Dread

 My son was working on a - intro to himself paper for his teacher. Actually it was an odd poem form.  One of the lines was - Hope - Joy - Existential Dread.

It makes sense. Most of the time, he's pretty happy. Even though he hasn't seen his friends in person since - March! 

He's back in school - but only virtually. His friends that went back - didn't want to because - Covid - but he said they have a morbid humor about it. Apparently - they are all going to die from climate change - so why would it matter if they die a few years early. 

The adult in me - is horrified. Children should NOT be thinking like that. On the other hand - I remember doing duck and cover drills for nuclear war when I was a kid, living in Los Angeles, - ground zero. All our parents worked in aerospace. And I remember - every time we did a duck and cover drill how stupid it was because - while hiding under a desk can save us from an earthquake - it can't save us from disintegration.  My best friend Meghan and I agreed - if we heard the sirens go off for real (we had a noon test of the warning system daily), we would head to the beach and - die there. 

My son and his friends existential dread - is horrifying as a parent - but also - kind of normal when I think back on my childhood. 

I actually think my son's approach - that he is both hopeful and joyful and filled with existential dread - is just - normal for life.  Whoopie, We're all going to die! That predates me. So does - How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Bomb. 

Should we worry about our children? Of course. But worrying about death is - to a certain extent normal and we all have to come to terms with our eventual mortality and be grateful for the time we do have. 

Living beats the alternative. 

Worry about the future? Humanist coping skills for existential angst.

Everyone worries about the future. We can't help it. The future matters. Our future matters. What can we do to help ourselves create a better future?

This question is central to the humanist approach. What kind of future do we want? How can we create that future?

The reason we all have angst is because - despite our best efforts, things may not go our way. The reason psychics and other charlatans even have businesses is because people are anxious about the future and really really really want to know how things will turn out.  Humans embrace supernatural options when the normal options - aren't an options.

This is primarily a problem of patience and feelings of helplessness.  If you want to do something, but there is nothing practical you can do - doing something supernatural can help you feel like you are doing something even when you are actually doing nothing, but giving your money and time to someone who can't help you.

Humanists reject supernatural approaches because a) they don't work and b) they take our energy and direct it away from practical things we could be doing.

So how do I cope with the unknowable future? 

First - patience.  At some point - we will know what happens in the future - because it will happen. If we just allow ourselves to accept that it is ok to not know, we can avoid doing stupid things out of our impatience. And I say this as someone who lacks patience.

So - what do I do when I can't do anything about the thing I am anxious about?  I do something else. I work on something I can have an impact on. That way - I don't do something stupid when I just need to be patient.

The other problem we have is the feeling of helplessness.  Sometimes, doing nothing is the right thing to do - but doing nothing makes us feel helpless.  So how do I cope with those feelings?

Again, I redirect into something else and I remind myself that it's ok that I don't know how things will turn out and that either way - I will survive. I may not like the outcome, but worrying about it isn't going to change it.

This is why the serenity prayer continues to be so useful.  Have the courage to change the  things you can. The patience to accept thing things you can't change and the wisdom to know the difference.

Wisdom is key.  Wisdom is both critical thinking and philosophy combined. 

So when you find yourself in times of trouble and you are anxious about the future.  Think.  Can I do anything to improve my chances? Or if I take action, will it be counter productive.  Use that knowledge to inform your actions.

If it turns out that doing nothing is the best thing - accept that!!! And work on something else - a plan b if you will for what you will do if your desired outcome doesn't happen.

One of the great things about Humanism is it rejects supernaturalism. So - we are less tempted to resort to supernatural solutions to help. We can instead - realistically assess our choices, and if we can't work on plan A right now, we work on a plan B. That way if plan A doesn't pan out - we have a back up plan. And that's much better path to future success than wasting your time, energy and money on supernatural nonsense.

If you need help learning how to cope more effectively and want to try applied Humanism - check out my Living Made Simpler Course - https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

Feeling Secure

Life is a crap shoot and then you die. How can you feel secure in an indifferent world?

One of the existential issues people face is how to find meaning in a meaningless universe.  Or to put it another way. How can I maintain my sanity if none of the crap I experience in life means anything and there is no guarantee that crap will stop happening?

That is a darned good question. One that doesn’t have a good answer. Which is why people use a wide variety of coping mechanisms to deal with the angst this reality creates in us.

The Humanist approach is a realistic approach. Instead of trying to find meaning to pacify our brains or trying to trick ourselves into thinking everything will be alright if we just pretend the universe is not a random collection of energy manifesting as things, we just accept this reality as scary as it seems.

Life is random. It’s random we were even born. We could have just as easily not been born. There are no guarantees in life. We may die tomorrow with our work unfinished. We may suffer a lot, or a little. We have no way of knowing.  Here’s the weird part. I write this as a Humanist and it doesn’t upset me. Crazy, I know.

But here’s what happens once I accept the worst that could happen. I start to think, now what? What am I going to do with the time I have alive?  What is under my control and what isn’t?  I may not be able to control everything in my life, but I can certainly control some things. I do have some agency.  And it’s in agency (the ability to make decisions and to act on them) that I have hope.

Life may be a crap shoot. And I’m definitely going to die. But right now I’m alive and despite life’s uncertainty and hardships, there is also love and music and light and beaches and cats and kids and food. There are people I can positively influence right now. While I’m alive.  Why should I waste the little moments of happiness I find worrying about things that may or may not happen?

The serenity prayer is about changing the things you can change and accepting the things you can’t. The key – having the wisdom to know the difference. You can’t change the basic nature of the universe. No amount of prayer or wishful thinking can change that. So accept it. And work on the things you can change.

Do you really need to fuss over things that ultimately don’t matter in the big scheme of things? No. You don’t. Accepting the futility of it all helps you to be more calm.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care or actively work to make things better. You should. After all, even if things don’t matter in the big scheme of things, they do matter right now. To you. And to the people whose lives you can impact right now.

Camus spoke of the absurdity of life. The balance we all have to strike is how to live life fully despite the futility of it all. Accepting the reality of your death doesn’t mean your work is futile. It matters. Right now. And that actually is enough.

To learn more about how to cope with these existential issues – consider reading my book: The Humanist Approach to Happiness: Practical Wisdom and taking my online course – Living Made Simpler. 

On Death

Neil DeGrasse Tyson talks about death. It's worth watching.

MindJamming with my pal Neil deGrasse Tyson
Posted by Jason Silva on Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Conclusion?

This is the one life you live – may as well do it well. If you want to learn more about how to do that and how to use the philosophy of Humanism to cope with life and with death – consider taking Living Made Simpler from Humanist Learning System.

Feeling Overwhelmed?

If you are doing too much, goal setting can help you prioritize.

If you are competent, you are busy. Sometimes too busy. People are always asking you to help out and take on a bit more work. So in addition to your work, your family and the upkeep of the house, you also have volunteering and hobbies and well, life.

I am also an entrepreneur. There are all sorts of things I could and should be doing to support my business, but the reality is, I have time constraints. I can’t do everything.

Yet, I don’t feel overwhelmed. My secret? I understand my goals so that I can prioritize.

Knowing what you want to accomplish, and more importantly why you want to accomplish helps you sort through the day to day demands and prioritize those that are critical, that that need to be done and those that would be nice to do.

Lots of people have a to do list. What they have trouble with is deciding which stuff can wait. In order to prioritize your to-do list, you have to know why those items are on your list in the first place.

We have primary goals and secondary goals and then intermediary goals that help us achieve our secondary and primary goals.  My primary goal is to live life fully and to leave the world a better place.  All my secondary goals, like create a business to help people learn how to stop bullies are in support of my primary goal.  My intermediate goals, like call on companies to talk to them about buying my sexual harassment trainings, are intermediate goals, designed to help me achieve my secondary goal which will help me achieve my primary goal of making the world a better place.

The reason it’s important to have a goal hierarchy is because you can’t prioritize your to-do list if your goals your to-do list are in support of aren’t prioritized! When I am in a time crunch, I look at my to do list and it’s very easy to sort into must do and can wait. Why? Because I have my priorities straight.

To learn more how to do this – take my ecourse: Planning for Personal Success at:  https://humanistlearning.com/planforpersonalsuccess/ 

Happiness and Existential Angst

We all experience existential angst at some point – but are there ways to answer these questions in such a way that will help us to eliminate that stress and be happier?

I think the answer is yes.  According to – this page - http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/types/existential – existential anxiety is a product of not having good answers to the big questions of life – like – who am I, why am I here, and do I have a purpose. As well as the really big question – how much control do I really have over my life?

The big problem seems to not know.  When we don’t know what the future will hold, we get nervous.  Really nervous. When we don’t feel like we can control what happens to us in the future, we get nervous too. Trying to figure out whether our actions will help us or hurt us – stresses us out.

And if we don’t figure out how to cope with that stress – it can overwhelm us.

As a Humanist – I cope with not knowing by accepting I don’t know. And I realize that may seem really strange. How can accepting something that is stressing you out – help you relax.  Well – when I accept that I can’t know – I stop trying to know. So I stop expending my mental energy on it and – that’s what relaxation is.

Who am I?  I don’t really know. I mean I know my name and who I want to be. But who am I and why am I?  I don’t have an answer to that and I’m actually totally ok with that. It doesn’t bother me. Why? Because I have accepted that those questions don’t actually have answers. And so I don’t have to ponder them anymore.

What is my purpose in life?  Well, that one is a bit more interesting and can have a really good answer.  I can’t know if I have an “ultimate” purpose or not – so I choose to not worry about that. But I can decide who I want to be and what I want to accomplish. And it turns out – that’s enough. In fact, it’s REALLY satisfying.

There is a reason this blog has as its tag – encouraging people to live ethical lives of personal fulfillment that aspire to the greater good of humanity.  That’s my life’s purpose. To help other people adopt a similar purpose. And the great thing about this – is – working towards it makes me happy.

Do I need answers to the big questions to be happy? No. I just need to do my best with the life I have to do my best to be my best. And stop worrying about things that don’t really matter. Like – whether I have an ultimate purpose in life or not. Can’t know it and if I do – I do – but clearly – not knowing is part of how I’m supposed to do this thing called life – so let’s get on with it.

Applied Humanism

After you decide what you believe about life the universe and everything, you now have to figure out how best to live your life given what you believe. That’s where Humanism comes in.

It turns out that deciding whether you believe in a god, gods or no gods or some amorphous deity or, that you just refuse to even think about it and make a decision on what you think (the apathetic agnostic option), is the easy part.

Once you know what you believe, you now have to get on with the business of living life, hopefully, in accordance with your beliefs, or in my case, lack of belief.  How do we make decisions?  How do we live life fully? Heck, what do we mean by living life fully?

These are the hard existential questions that aren’t actually answered when you decide how you feel about the god/not god question. Which is why Humanism is so important. Because Humanism helps us to not only find answers to these questions, but the answers are REALLY satisfying and very practical on a day to day basis.

Yeah – it’s not as sexy as a good old god off – but that’s ok.  Because learning how to life your life in a way you can feel good about and that can do good for others, is a lifelong task.  We never stop learning.

So, how can Humanism help you?  Well, you can decide to be a good person. Just because.  You can decide to try and make your impact on others as positive as possible. Again, just because.  To have a positive impact requires you to make good decisions and that requires you to learn how to think well so that you can make good decisions.

Having trouble with interpersonal issues, Humanism can help you there too.  The other person is human, just like you are and they can’t read minds.  This means, you should be compassionate with them and stop assuming that just because they weren’t acting in a way you think is perfect doesn’t mean that they are a horrible person incapable of compassion.

Struggling with fears of death?  Yup, Humanism can help with that too.  You are going to die. Stop wasting what little time you have alive worrying about the inevitable and get on with living life to the fullest while you still can. And if you still can’t stop worrying, go seek professional help!  There is a reason why early Humanists were active in psychology.  We realize that living isn’t easy and almost everyone needs help to maximize their potential and to be reasonably happy and satisfied in life. So don’t be afraid to seek out help when you need it. It’s the Humanist way.

Fear of Solitude

Coming to terms with our inherent aloneness.

Humans are herd animals. We need to be with our herd or, because we are apes, tribe.  I see this in my son, who is a lot like my chickens. When he is too far away from us, he runs to find us and then calms down. It’s instinctual really.  We need to feel we belong to feel secure.

This is why the social exclusion that comes with bullying is so harmful. We experience social exclusion as pain (see: http://web.psych.utoronto.ca/gmacdonald/macdonald%20&%20leary,%202005a.pdf) It’s easy to understand why. Social exclusion or ostracism would have been, for quite a while in our evolutionary history, a matter of life or death.

Given our fear of being alone, how can you become comfortable with being alone and overcome your fear of solitude?  And why should you? One of the great existential problems we humans have is that we are stuck in our own heads. Our experience of the world is limited to our experience. We can know others only through the theory of mind, which lets us assume that others have brains and thoughts like ours. It’s very helpful, but imperfect. Because we can never really know what other people are thinking and whether they accept us or not, and that leaves us vulnerable.

The reason I think and teach people to become comfortable being alone is because if you are afraid of being alone, you not only have the existential fear of solitude, you also end up making choices to avoid solitude and those choices often involve allowing others to control us or hurt us. We accept this because it’s better than being alone. And I’m not just talking about abusive relationships. This can happen in friendships and work relationships too.

When you overcome your fear of solitude, you no longer allow your fear to dictate your choices regarding the actions of other people. And that’s a good thing. So, this is worth working on. Lose your existential angst and have healthier less destructive relationships. 

The question is – how?  The answer? Practice. There is only one way to overcome the fear of solitude and that is to intentionally seek it out. Maybe go for a walk by yourself. Go to a park for a walk by yourself. Go to a movie by yourself. Somewhere you can feel basically safe, but still experience solitude. The first thing I ever went to by myself was a Beatlefest. My mother insisted I go even though I couldn't find a friend to go with. I’m glad she did, I had a great time. And, I was safe. It turns out – people are basically nice. I branched out to going to movies by myself and then out to eat by myself. The more you practice this, the easier it gets and the funner it gets.  It’s self-reinforcing. I've even gone to amusement parks by myself and had a great time.

If you are ready to try and shake off your fear of solitude, start practicing. See what happens. You may find you like it. You will definitely become more confident as a result.

The Problem of Existence

How a Humanist copes with an existential depression.

When I was 17 years old I had an existential depression. It lasted about 2 weeks. I apparently got off lucky. I learned about existential depressions the following year in a philosophy class and some people suffer from these for years.

An existential depression is when your brain decides it’s going to figure out the meaning of life and existence and doesn’t allow you to think of anything else until if finds satisfactory answers. At least, that’s how it was for me. The problem is that since there aren’t any satisfactory answers to the existential questions of life, people can struggle with this for a while.

According to experts (Yalom – the existential psychiatrist according to Wikipedia) says that there are 4 basic ultimate concerns of existence. These are: death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness.

Humanism, I think, provides excellent solutions to these problems, which is probably why my existential angst period was so short. It probably helped that I was raised as a freethinker so these conclusions weren't a huge stretch for me.

On death – it is. Accept it. There is no getting around it. Might as well make the most of it when you are here. No point worrying about it because after you die, you cease to exist and so it won’t bother you anymore.

On Freedom – you can do anything you want, but that doesn’t mean those things you do will make you happy. You still have to live with the consequences of your actions. We are inter-dependent and our actions affect other people and their actions affect us. Might as well make the best of it and do what you can to be a benefit to yourself and others.

On Isolation – true, we are stuck inside our own heads. However, we are biologically related to all life on earth and chemically connected to the universe itself.  I’m never really alone or isolated. I’m part of an amazing ecosystem. When I feel like I’m struggling with something no one understands, I have to laugh, because someone else has not only been through this before, they’ve gotten through it. And if they can? I can! I haven’t felt isolated or alone since having this thought.

Finally – meaninglessness.  this is the biggie. Even bigger than accepting my mortality. Camus said, life is absurd. There is no meaning. And, as with death, it turns out that just accepting that reality opens up life tremendously.  There is no grand plan. I am alive and at some point I will die. I have complete freedom. How will I use that freedom? Selfishly?  Or, will I accept that in the grand scheme of things what I do doesn’t matter, but that in the smaller scheme of things it matters a lot. It matters to me. It matters to the people who love me here and now. I can either honor those relationships here and now and gather my meaning from that, or give myself over to the false nihilism of thinking that nothing matters.  Things do matter. Right now. And that is enough for me.

As  look through this list – it seems to me that the solution to all these existential problems, from a Humanist perspective, is acceptance. Accept the reality of these things and don’t let the immensity of the universe scare you. You are both made of star stuff and tiny at the same time.

As Pascal once said, “a man does not show his greatness by being at one extremity, but rather by touching both at once.”