Sometimes you win by not fighting - parenting edition

Rain Dove - a trans activist on Instagram - recently had a conversation with a distraught parent about their teens - body issues. Rain Dove - handled this so well - the parent - who starts out - mad and accusatory - ends up thanking Rain for the help they gave.

First the link - then the discussion on why this is a beautiful example of how compassion can help you fix problems that would otherwise be arguments.

View this post on Instagram

Parents I promise that a professional binder is a safer option for your teen than alternatives they might be using. Getting them one as a gift can be life saving. A great brand and resource is @gc2b they even recently gave me a whole box to donate when in SA. Amazing conscientious and involved company. Binding ones chest can be a dangerous thing- especially when using alternative options like I used to do. Ace bandage and ducttape lead to skin tearing, fractured ribs and I even passed out once after taking off the binding from the oxygen rushing into my system again. I have models I’ve worked with who will testify times in which they saw my body distorted after inappropriate binding practices. People bind for many reasons. It’s not always identity or dysphoria related. Especially people with larger breasts have expressed binding has been lifesaving in functional terms. Binding CAN be lifesaving and ease much anxiety. I must note that it alone won’t make someone feel complete in their existence. We must work to dismantle toxic oppressions that lead to social oppressions and anxieties. We must create a space of love for all people to live in no matter their bodies. We must create a safe space for dialogue. #LoveWins #noteasybutworthit #nonbinary #memes #educatedonthate #binding #lgbtq #genderfluid #trans #lovewins #grsm NOTE: Sammys parent gave me permission to post this convo! Always important to make sure You have permission! The photo is not their real face.

A post shared by Rain Dove (@raindovemodel) on Dec 2, 2019 at 8:02am PST

https://www.instagram.com/p/B5k3aaZlOxB/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet

Basically - a child wants to bind their chest, the parent is scared about what this all means and blames the trans activist. The trans activist tells the parent how much it's clear that they care for their child and then gently leads them to understand that if they reject their child now, the child may self harm and as a loving parent - they should make sure their child has the support they need so they don't self harm.

The entire transcript of the conversation is beautiful because it recognizes a truth. Anger is often fear in disguise.

How much better would the world be if instead of responding to anger with anger - we responded with love and compassion instead.

https://humanistlearning.com/socratic-jujitsu/

Self Care in Divided Times

Pretty much every woman I speak to is stressed out. Really stressed out.  We are having trouble concentrating at work. We can’t seem to get work done in a timely manner. What’s up and how can we help ourselves?

It should come as no surprise to anyone that as a humanist – I really don’t like Trump. He scares me. Not only is he a bully that routinely dehumanizes people he disagrees with – he’s a bully, which means he also has autocratic dictatorial tendencies.  I happen to like democracy and human rights and things like that, so what this guy and his enablers might do to our democracy – has me worried.

Even if you like Trump, and many do, there are a lot of people who are just as worried about “liberals destroying America” as I am of Trump destroying America. And when you think about it, that’s a pretty sorry state of affairs. We are being played against each other by politicians and Putin. The solution to that is to remember we are all humans and not evil. We all pretty much want the same things.

But back to self care. Given our fear levels and stress levels and the need to safeguard all we hold near and dear, we need to engage in some serious self care. I don’t view self care as an abdication of my responsibilities to other. I view it as an important part of my activism.

By taking care of myself. By taking time to enjoy the little and big things in life. And yes, by getting on with the normalcy of life, I not only reduce my stress levels, I also remind myself what it is I am fighting for.

Albert Camus wrote and fought in WWII in Europe. He struggled to keep his humanity and to remember the humanity of the people he fought. And he wrote about his struggles to maintain a sense of beauty and humanity in himself during the struggles. His essay Return to Tipasa is about exactly this and I am linking to it here.  https://genius.com/Albert-camus-return-to-tipasa-annotated

“For violence and hatred dry up the heart itself; the long fight for justice exhausts the love that nevertheless gave birth to it. In the clamor in which we live, love is impossible and justice does not suffice. This is why Europe hates daylight and is only able to set injustice up against injustice. But in order to keep justice from shriveling up like a beautiful orange fruit containing nothing but a bitter, dry pulp, I discovered once more at Tipasa that one must keep intact in oneself a freshness, a cool wellspring of joy, love the day that escapes injustice, and return to combat having won that light.”

If you are struggling with anger – consider taking this course by Dr Leon Seltzer: https://humanistlearning.com/angermanagement101/

If you want to learn how to advocate for your positions without being a jerk about it take this one:  https://humanistlearning.com/socratic-jujitsu/

If you need help learning how to cope and integrate your values into your day to day life – take this one: http://humanistlearning.info/livingmadesimpler1/

If you want to learn how to overcome your hidden biases against other people so you can once again view them as truly human – take this free course: https://humanistlearning.com/controlling-our-unconscious-bias/

And finally, if you want to learn how to sort out the falsehood from truth – take this course: https://humanistlearning.com/realitybaseddecisionmaking/