Self Care Lessons from a GOAT

I watch Sumo. I have been a sumo fan for decades now. One of the current Yokozuna is literally, the greatest wrestler of all time. Hakuho has won more tournaments than anyone else in the history of the sport. He is a joy to watch wrestle.

One of the reasons he is so great, is he takes self care seriously.  When he gets injured, he allows himself to heal. This is one of the keys to his success. He doesn't try to play through his pain. He stops, and withdraws from the tournament and heals.

He also doesn't push himself while he is healing. He has said, he doesn't work out when he is out resting. He rests and heals. That's it.  And when he comes back - he comes back in good form and just - wins. Everything. 

He has won 16 tournaments undefeated - twice as many as any other wrestler in the entire history of the sport.

He has won 39 Emperor's cups, more than any other Yokozuna in the history of the sport, AND, he only took 98 tournaments to win this many, which is fewer tournaments than any other wrestler in the history of the sport with a near similar record. 

There is simply no one in the entire 2,000 plus year history of the sport as good as Hakuho. He is really the greatest of all time (G.O.A.T.)

And again, the secret to his success is - he rests when he needs to.

He just won the July tournament 15-0.  Which is amazing. He took the Jan, March and May tournaments off. He rested for 6 months. We didn't see him at all. The Sumo association was calling on him to retire if he didn't return to the ring. He didn't let that pressure get to him. He wasn't competing, because he didn't feel like he was healthy enough to compete. 

When he came back, he won it all. And he won it - by defeating Teronofuji in the final bout of the tournament. Teronofuji and Hakuho went into that bout - both with a 14-0 record. Teronofuji was just named Yokozuna. He's REALLY a good wrestler and has been dominating in Hakuho's absence. Watching these 2 men, vie for top spot, was one of the greatest tournaments of all time!!! 

If you want to be successful, take a lesson from the greatest of all time, in a sport with a 2,000 year plus history.

It’s ok to take care of yourself.  Playing injured isn’t good for you. 

If you need to heal, take time to heal so that you can come back stronger. 

It really is ok to take care of yourself when you need to. It's better to rest and come back and play at full strength, then to just - put in mediocre performances because you refuse to rest and heal - I'm looking at you Tochinoshin. 

Oh - and Teronofuji?  The guy who just became Yokozuna? He took a full year and a half off when he was at the top of his game a few years back. He went all the way down to the lowest of the lowest ranks of sumo and had to work his way back up to the top division. He made it to Yokozuna. Had he tried to play through, he would have ruined his career. Instead, he took over a year to recover, and took the hit in his standing but was able to come back to become one of the highest ranked rikishi in the sport currently. His only competition right now is Hakuho. 

Take the time off if you need it. Really, it's ok to drop out to take care of yourself if you need to.

What should I do if I feel my dignity is violated

 Whenever I do a presentation on how to stop bullies and I introduce the concept of dignity - I get asked - what should I do if I feel my dignity has been violated. This comes up a lot in my programs on civility and how to use dignity to create civility. 

The first thing to understand about dignity is - that no one can take away your dignity.  You may have your feeling hurts - and that is valid. But you - and you alone - are in charge of your dignity. 

Second. Acknowledge your feelings. You feel hurt. That's ok. 

Third - acknowledge to yourself - your dignity AND the dignity of the other person. Even if they don't acknowledge your dignity - doesn't mean you shouldn't acknowledge theirs. 

Fourth - Understand that the other person probably feels their dignity has been violated and they are trying to protect themselves.

Fifth - Focus on healing the hurt that both you and the other person feel. It is not necessary to win a - my hurt is worse than your hurt competition. Just - focus on healing both yourself and them. And work on building trust.

This - usually is enough to reset relationships and start building the trust that is required for positive relationships to happen. You - stop being a threat - the other person stops treating you as a threat.  Eventually - you can collaborate on solutions that work for both of you.

Every once in a while  - you will encounter someone this doesn't work with - but don't assume this won't work until you try it. 

If you want to learn more - take my course on a humanistic approach to civility and using dignity as a tool to create civility. https://humanistlearning.com/a-humanistic-approach-to-civility/

Rage

Like a lot of people,  I find that I am cycling through fits of rage and depression and then coping by ignoring. I find I have to engage in quite a bit of self care.

Part of the problem is that we are all being subjected to media designed to enrage us - behaviorally speaking. The other part is that because people are enraged - they are engaging in incredibly stupid really harmful really incredibly stupid crappy things that make us upset.

Like - how exactly are we supposed to respond to toddlers being taken from their parents and put in baby jails? How are we supposed to respond to kids being shot in schools?

Rage seems like a pretty rational response at times.  Being angry and enraged is the right response to things that are happening. That is my emotional and moral sense kicking in to tell me - something absolutely needs to change.

There are 2 things I try to think of to help me think more rationally.

1) is the thing I'm enraged about even true?  Because spending my time being enraged about fake news - isn't productive. And we are ALL being subjected to fake news stories. So - spending some time critically examine the stories to make sure that I don't get enraged over something that isn't even true - is very very helpful.  Especially if it turns out the story was fake.

2) If the thing is true - like babies in jail and kids being shot in school - and I am right to be enraged, then the question is: how?  How to change what is happening so that we don't have this problem.  Being enraged doesn't help me think strategically or take action.

Our emotions tell us to pay attention.  Our rational minds tell us how to solve the problem. We need both. 

The problem I have been having is my feelings of rage are so strong I can't seem to function and I normally function really well. So - what I do is I focus on 1 problem. The world is overwhelming. So what can I work on and have a positive impact on. It doesn't mean I'm not outraged about the things that I should be outraged about. It means that I am aware of my limitations and I am focusing my work. Trusting that others are doing the same.

I have written about this before: http://humanisthappiness.blogspot.com/2011/01/pick-one.html

Have Courage

As I was preparing to write this post - I realized that the word courage includes the word - rage. Rage  put into action - is courage?  I don't know what the origin of the term is - but I like the idea that courage is rage at injustice encouraging us to take action to fix the problem.

Self Care in Divided Times

Pretty much every woman I speak to is stressed out. Really stressed out.  We are having trouble concentrating at work. We can’t seem to get work done in a timely manner. What’s up and how can we help ourselves?

It should come as no surprise to anyone that as a humanist – I really don’t like Trump. He scares me. Not only is he a bully that routinely dehumanizes people he disagrees with – he’s a bully, which means he also has autocratic dictatorial tendencies.  I happen to like democracy and human rights and things like that, so what this guy and his enablers might do to our democracy – has me worried.

Even if you like Trump, and many do, there are a lot of people who are just as worried about “liberals destroying America” as I am of Trump destroying America. And when you think about it, that’s a pretty sorry state of affairs. We are being played against each other by politicians and Putin. The solution to that is to remember we are all humans and not evil. We all pretty much want the same things.

But back to self care. Given our fear levels and stress levels and the need to safeguard all we hold near and dear, we need to engage in some serious self care. I don’t view self care as an abdication of my responsibilities to other. I view it as an important part of my activism.

By taking care of myself. By taking time to enjoy the little and big things in life. And yes, by getting on with the normalcy of life, I not only reduce my stress levels, I also remind myself what it is I am fighting for.

Albert Camus wrote and fought in WWII in Europe. He struggled to keep his humanity and to remember the humanity of the people he fought. And he wrote about his struggles to maintain a sense of beauty and humanity in himself during the struggles. His essay Return to Tipasa is about exactly this and I am linking to it here.  https://genius.com/Albert-camus-return-to-tipasa-annotated

“For violence and hatred dry up the heart itself; the long fight for justice exhausts the love that nevertheless gave birth to it. In the clamor in which we live, love is impossible and justice does not suffice. This is why Europe hates daylight and is only able to set injustice up against injustice. But in order to keep justice from shriveling up like a beautiful orange fruit containing nothing but a bitter, dry pulp, I discovered once more at Tipasa that one must keep intact in oneself a freshness, a cool wellspring of joy, love the day that escapes injustice, and return to combat having won that light.”

If you are struggling with anger – consider taking this course by Dr Leon Seltzer: https://humanistlearning.com/angermanagement101/

If you want to learn how to advocate for your positions without being a jerk about it take this one:  https://humanistlearning.com/socratic-jujitsu/

If you need help learning how to cope and integrate your values into your day to day life – take this one: http://humanistlearning.info/livingmadesimpler1/

If you want to learn how to overcome your hidden biases against other people so you can once again view them as truly human – take this free course: https://humanistlearning.com/controlling-our-unconscious-bias/

And finally, if you want to learn how to sort out the falsehood from truth – take this course: https://humanistlearning.com/realitybaseddecisionmaking/

Self care as a leadership skill

Good leaders lead to help others.  In order to help others, you first have to take care of yourself.

Leaders lead to help groups of people coordinate their activities to a common cause. That common cause is some sort of problem solving. Leaders have more responsibility than other members of the team because, in addition to the work everyone is doing, the leader has to spend extra time thinking about and organizing the work that needs to be done, training people to do the work and securing the resources necessary.  To do this well, leaders give up their time, energy and resources.

The problem is – giving up time and energy and resources is draining. What happens to a leader who no longer has time, energy or resources?  They cease to be leaders.

In order to lead well and for the long haul, leaders HAVE to take care of themselves. They must find a balance and a way to replenish themselves so that they can continue to give themselves to the service of others. In this context, self-care is an essential leadership skill.  So don’t neglect yourself.

Take my planning for personal success course or Gleb Tipurskey’s finding meaning and purpose in the workplace program

Self Care

When you can’t help others, help yourself.

Compassion for self is as important as compassion for others. As Humanists we seek to live lives of personal fulfillment that aspire to the greater good of humanity. We know our meaning and purpose comes from helping others and working to benefit others.

The problem is that we can’t always help other people. Sometimes we are the ones who need help;  We all get sick. Sometimes very sick. We all have ups and downs emotionally. And sometimes there just isn’t enough fuel in the tank to help and care for others.  In those moments we need to care for themselves.

I am a mom. This means I have a kid who relies on me to provide food, clothing, shelter and emotional stability.  I am lucky that the first 3 of those are covered. Where I struggle is with emotional stability.

Struggle isn’t really the word. Most of the time it’s easy. I’m there for him.  But sometimes, I have my own anxieties and I can’t give him my full attention.  I get antsy and anxious and feel like if I have to listen to him talk about Minecraft for another moment, I’m going to burst.

It is in those moments, that to provide emotional stability for him, I have to be clear about what MY needs are.  When I do this – he knows to modulate his behavior so that I can have the head space I need for a moment. This is better for him and for me because instead of blowing up, I can calmly say – hey – this is what I need right now. He feels good that he can give back to me for a moment and I feel good that I’m teaching him self care and self advocacy through modeling.

Whether you are dealing with professional obligations or personal ones, self care is essential. Knowing what your limits are helps you to make sure that you are emotionally capable of caring for others. Taking short breaks to clear your head isn’t selfish. It’s self care. It’s what makes it so you can help others instead of being wrapped up in your own drama all the time.

So care for yourself. View it as mental maintenance to keep your brain and your body functioning so that you can do the good deeds for others you want to.

I talk about this concept more in my book: The Humanist Approach to Happiness: https://humanistlearning.com/the-humanist-approach-to-happiness-book/

And also discuss how to balance compassion for yourself with compassion for others in the course Living Made Simpler: https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/