Why Humanism? A Compassionate and Reality-Based Approach to Living Well

In a world filled with complexity, challenges, and uncertainties, the quest for meaning and fulfillment is a universal pursuit. Amidst the myriad philosophies and ideologies that shape human thought, one perspective stands out for its profound relevance and timeless wisdom: Humanism.

At its core, Humanism is not just a philosophy; it is a way of life—an applied study of what it means to be a good human being and to live well. Rooted in the distilled knowledge of humanity, Humanism offers a compelling framework for navigating the complexities of existence with clarity, compassion, and purpose.

Embracing Reality-Based Principles

Central to Humanism is the recognition and acceptance of reality as it is—an acknowledgment that our perceptions, beliefs, and actions must be grounded in objective truths. In a world often fraught with misinformation and ideological divides, the commitment to reality-based principles serves as a guiding light, illuminating pathways to understanding, growth, and progress.

By embracing reality-based thinking, Humanism empowers individuals to confront challenges with courage and resilience, fostering a deeper appreciation for the complexities of the human experience. Rather than succumbing to wishful thinking or denial, Humanism encourages us to confront difficult truths head-on, catalyzing personal and collective transformation.

Cultivating Compassion-Based Ethics

Beyond its commitment to reality-based principles, Humanism places a profound emphasis on compassion—a recognition of our interconnectedness and shared humanity. In a world characterized by diversity and difference, compassion serves as a unifying force, bridging divides and fostering empathy, understanding, and solidarity.

Through compassion-based ethics, Humanism challenges us to extend kindness and empathy to all beings, nurturing relationships built on mutual respect and dignity. By prioritizing the well-being of others alongside our own, Humanism invites us to cultivate a more inclusive and equitable world—one defined by empathy, justice, and compassion.

The Power of Integration

What sets Humanism apart is its unique ability to integrate reality-based thinking with compassion-based ethics, forging a holistic approach to navigating life's complexities. By synthesizing these foundational principles, Humanism offers a powerful strategy for addressing difficulties, confronting adversity, and fostering genuine human flourishing.

In a world characterized by rapid change and uncertainty, the wisdom of Humanism provides a beacon of hope—a reminder that by embracing reality and compassion, we can navigate life's challenges with grace, integrity, and resilience.

Conclusion

In the journey of life, the pursuit of meaning and fulfillment remains paramount. As we navigate the complexities of existence, Humanism offers a guiding philosophy—one rooted in reality, infused with compassion, and committed to the pursuit of human flourishing.

By embracing the principles of Humanism, we affirm our shared humanity, cultivate empathy and understanding, and chart a course towards a more just, compassionate, and inclusive world.

So why Humanism? Because in its essence, Humanism represents the distilled wisdom of humanity—a timeless invitation to live authentically, love deeply, and make a positive impact on the world around us.

Learn More:

If you want to learn more - I have free and paid courses and resources at my website - Humanist Learning Systems: 

Video Courses: https://humanistlearning.com/category/lifeskills/philosophy/ 

Recommended books: https://humanistlearning.com/category/shop/humanism101/

Overcoming trauma with grace

Learning how to reclaim and own your dignity after something horrible has happened to you. 

I was asked to write something to help people overcome drama and trauma in their lives with dignity and grace. 

I do have experience with this. I have had quite a bit of trauma in my life, and some of it was caused by relationship drama.  I'm in a great place now and happy most of the time. In fact, I was chatting with a psychologist the other day and he wondered if I was naturally happy, or whether I was manic depressive.  

Confession. I am naturally disposed to happiness. I do get sad. I do get angry. I get frustrated. I do get depressed. But those are deviations. My normal state is happy.  My son is the same way - his default state - is happy.

Not everyone is so lucky. This may very well be biological in the same way that some people are simply - more anxious, upset or depressed. That is their normal and moments of happiness are deviations from their norm.

Despite my normal state, I have had periods where I spent years in negative emotional states.  When I was being stalked, I was so anxious, I developed a physical problem as a result of the constant anxiety.   

When I lost my first child to stillbirth in the 8th month of pregnancy, it took a couple of years to get to some level of "normalcy."   I still can "lose it" and start crying uncontrollably when I think about it. 

Oh - and one time, I almost died. My galbladder went gangrenous. I got to the hospital just in time. Had I waited a day, I would have died. I knew it was bad when they doubled my morphine dose and gave it to me more frequently. 

I've also been subjected to some pretty serious personal and professional attacks on my character. 

I've had periods in my life that were manifestly horrible. I developed PTSD (diagnosed) from the stalking situation. And I've overcome the drama and trauma of all of that and gotten to a good place in my life. So I feel confident to talk about this.  In fact, who better to talk about how to overcome trauma, than someone who has done so successfully.

My Humanism is My Anchor

I'm not special

The first part of the Humanist philosophy that helps me, is the understanding that I am not special. There is nothing about me that will magically make me immune to the hardships of life.  

Bad things happen to good people for no other reason than bad things happen. I remember when I lost my child, and I went to an infant loss grief support group. I realized very quickly that I was the only person they ONLY dealing with grief. Everyone else had their theological world turned upside down. Not only did they have to deal with grief, they had to deal with the realization that their faith did not spare them from hardship. 

As crazy as it sounds, the knowledge that I am not special, helps me cope. By allowing me to accept the reality of what has happened and just deal with it.  I feel really bad for all my friends of faith who deal with grief plus. Grief is hard enough on it's own. I can't imagine adding the suffering that my friends of faith have to deal with on top of their grief.  It makes me understand why they get mad at god(s).  I don't get mad at god. I just grieve. It's easier.  

Others have done it - so can I

Another reason I am able to recover my emotional balance is because I know I can.  And I know I can because others have done so, and I've always figured if they can do it, so can I. 

I know my current reality, as bad as it is, will not be permanent and that I can take constructive steps to help myself get to a better place. I don't have to be passive. I can be pro-active. 

I can pamper myself. I can allow myself to find joy in between moments of sorrow.  I can treasure those moments without feeling guilty about my grief or sorry.

I don't have to act on my emotions - I can use compassion to guide my thinking

I can pamper myself. I can allow myself to find joy in between moments of sorrow.  I can treasure those moments without feeling guilty about my grief or sorry.  I understand my emotions are fleeting and whatever I feel - is ok. I can accept my emotions, without acting on them.

And this last bit is key.  I don't have to act on my emotions.  I can decide what to do - if anything - about those emotions. Often, I chose to do nothing but experience them.

One of the ways Humanism helps me is it reminds me to be compassionate with myself and others. If I am upset and frustrated, I feel compassion for myself for having those emotions and vow not to act on them. I then try to think of the person I am mad at - with compassion, so that when I do think of how I want to respond, I act reasonably. Often, that means - not acting at all.

Sometimes the best thing you can do to stop interpersonal drama - is to walk away and do nothing. Sometimes, you win - by not fighting.

The bonus to this approach is that - it's grace and dignity personified.  People who fight back - demean themselves. People who respond with grace and dignity, win. Not only does this help them maintain their dignity, it helps them feel better about themselves. You don't have to get riled up - you can just leave. Let the other person be a jerk. 

I find it's easiest to do this when I convince myself to be compassionate, with myself and the other person.  Often, another person behaving badly has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.  Just - walk away. Let them find someone else to hassle.  And yes, this is easier said than done.

Suffering is not Noble

The final idea from Humanism that helps me is the understanding that suffering isn't noble. There is no point to suffering. I don't get any points for suffering. It's an unfortunate reality that can't be avoided at times. But that doesn't mean I have to stay in a place of suffering. 

As a Humanist, I don't believe there is any purpose in life. We life, we may procreate, then we die. The only impact we have is in our life's work and whether we helped people or not.  As far as I am concerned, I may as well be happy.  I'd rather be happy than not. So - I chose to be happy.

This doesn't mean I'm automatically happy. It does mean that when I find I'm not happy and it's a lasting condition, I take action to rectify the problem.  

Is the problem grief?  I can take small steps and know that my grief will eventually ebb - if I let it - and I let it because, to me, it would be crazy to hold onto grief. Holding on to grief is not noble. It's stupid. If I can't let go - and there have been times where I had trouble, I seek out help in the form of therapists and counselors. And they have always helped me identify what was holding me back so I could release it. 

The most dramatic example was the stalking. Therapy gave me my life back.  If you are stuck - get help. Don't continue to suffer. Do something to change and if you don't know what that is - get professional help.

Learn more:

I have a 6 hour online course where I teach my humanist approach to living life fully and happily.  It's called - Living Made Simpler and covers a variety of topics and discusses the humanist approach to living life well.  https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

I also have a book called The Humanist Approach to Happiness - https://humanistlearning.com/the-humanist-approach-to-happiness-book/

Life isn’t easy. It is filled with challenges. How we navigate those challenges determines our success in life. If you want to learn more about how to be happy and how to think more effectively about the choices you make, this book will help.

Respectful communication

 I have online learning programs where I teach Humanistic Communication strategies and science based conflict management approaches. I was recently approached by a reporter to answer some questions about respectful communication. 

1. In your professional experience and opinion, what are the benefits of respectful communication in the workplace?

The benefit of respectful communication is trust. All business revolves around trust. Without that, things can’t get done and if things don’t get done in business, you won’t be in business long. 

The problem is that the term ‘respect’ means different things to different people. Does it mean treating people with deference. Or does it mean treating people with dignity? I’m not big on arbitrary authority, so I prefer to think of this as a problem of dignity. I reframe the question in my mind. Why I need to treat my colleagues with dignity?  The answer is, trust and professionalism. It’s best not to turn colleagues into enemies and it’s best not to make an enemy out of someone who wants to be your colleague.

But more than that, it’s about making sure I don’t create additional problems for myself and the team. If there is a problem in communication, it means there is a misunderstanding, probably on both sides. To me, being professional means, treating everyone with dignity and behaving in a dignified way myself. So if/when a conflict arises, I don’t respond tribally, I respond professionally and treat the other person with dignity and well-meaning and work through the misunderstanding to re-establish trust. To do that, I must communicate with dignity and reinforce the dignity of the other person.  If it turns out the other person really is undignified and behaving unprofessionally, then my professional dignified communication with them will serve me well by making it clear, the problem isn’t me. 

2. What is your #1 tip for achieving respectful communication in the workplace?

My number one tip is compassion. Compassion for myself when I respond with my hackles up to something that is said or done feels like an attack. This allows me to move out of defensive fight mode into rational thinking mode. Once I’ve done that for myself, I then turn my compassion to the other person and remind myself, they are a human being just like me and that most likely, what happened was just a miscommunication and not an attack.  Compassion allows me to respond to the person with dignity and to acknowledge the dignity of the other person so that we can work through what is almost always a miscommunication back to trust. 

The bonus of this approach is that if it was indeed an attack, by responding with compassion and dignity, I disarm and blunt the attack. 

Learn More:

I have a few online courses that can help you learn to practice these skills.

Humanistic Communication Strategies - Learn how to combine humility, compassion and personal responsibility into an effective communication strategy so you can focus on collaboration instead of combat. https://humanistlearning.com/humanistic-communication-strategies/

and

A Humanistic Approach to Civility and Dignity in the Workplace - This program is broken into two sections. The first discusses civility as a concept, covering the problems and difficulties of using civility as a metric. The second section discussed how to use dignity as a value in the workplace to improve interpersonal relationships and problem solving. The goal is to help people understand how to deal effectively with stress and difficult people while still behaving ethically and problem solving effectively. - https://humanistlearning.com/a-humanistic-approach-to-civility/

or

How to Win Arguments Without Arguing - In this program author and Humanist Jennifer Hancock will discuss recent research on how ideas are formed and changed to help you understand why and how to yield to your opponent and how to turn the conversation around using Socratic questioning techniques to frame the underlying moral debate to your advantage. If you want to learn how to win arguments by not arguing take this course! - https://humanistlearning.com/socratic-jujitsu/

and finally - I offer a certificate course in humanistic conflict management.

Certificate Program in Humanistic Conflict Management - This certificate program includes 8 courses for a total of 9 3/4 hours of content to teach you how to effectively, ethically and compassionately deal with conflict while still being professional.

https://humanistlearning.com/conflict-management-discount-bundle/

How to Deal with a Difficult Co-Worker

 I take a humanistic approach to this, meaning I treat them with dignity, compassion, and professionalism.  I may not know why they are being difficult, but I know that me being difficult back at them isn’t going to help them or help me solve our problems. 

It is very easy to write off a difficult co-worker as a problem. But that is a mistake. Not only is it not professional, it also creates tensions where there doesn’t need to be any.

I am often hired by companies who want me to help them deal with a difficult colleague. I usually know who the “difficult” person is before I go in. I almost always fine the person labelled difficult to be a nice person who is trying their best but they are very defensive and often feel like everyone is out to get them. And, honestly,  they aren’t wrong. Their colleagues have decided they are difficult and treat them accordingly.  This creates a vicious cycle that needs to be broken for the good of the individuals and for the organization.

On rare occasions, the difficult person really is difficult and may need to be let go. But until you treat them with dignity, compassion, and professionalism, it is a mistake to jump to that conclusion.

Dignity:

Everyone has dignity. However, we don’t always act with dignity. To make sure that you are not the cause of someone else’s negative behavior, be sure that YOU act with dignity. This doesn’t mean you should act aloof or like you are better than anyone else. It means that you recognize the common humanity you share with your colleagues, and you actively treat other people with dignity. 

I find that when I find myself getting annoyed by a colleague, if I can take a step back away from my annoyance or hurt, and think about them, not as a bad person, but as a well-meaning person, I can often reframe the problem or conflict and re-engage with them. I am honest that whatever happened was not ok with me, but I assume, they meant no harm.  This often turns what could escalate to full on conflict, into a learning and growing experience and helps me and my colleagues actually learn how to work together better. Sharing and acknowledging our common humanity with dignity, helps build trust which in turn makes all future problems, easier to resolve. They know that I am not a threat to them and so, work with me, instead of against me.

Compassion:

People are not always at their best. Everyone you meet is dealing with their own problems. Usually, their problems have nothing to do with you.  If a colleague is not behaving … optimally. Instead of assuming there is something wrong with them, consider thinking of them compassionately.  Maybe something is not wrong with them, but rather, they are dealing with something that is wrong in their life that you know nothing about. 

When you think of your colleagues with compassion, it means you think of them as full human beings with full lives that may include children, sick parents, or other issues outside of the workplace that are impacting their mental health. It helps no one to treat someone who is dealing with difficulties in their life, as if THEY are a problem. When you make space for the fallible human, you take the pressure off of them to be perfect in every way. No one is perfect in every way.  If someone is going through a hard time, the compassionate response is to support them through it. 

I realize this can lead to compassion fatigue. There are people who thrive on problems.  Everything has drama. It is very hard to be sympathetic to someone who constantly has crisis in their lives. But treating them with compassion doesn’t mean you have to indulge every single problem. It means accepting them as who they are and not demanding that they be someone else for you.  Some people truly have a run of bad luck. Others just – like the attention they get from being in constant crisis. Either way, treat them with compassion and don’t add to their problems. 

I had a friend who was constantly in crisis. Whenever she would start talking to me about the latest, I would nod and say, that’s horrible and then I would re-direct to the work that needed to be done.  I was never mean to her. I didn’t demean her for her problems. I treated her with dignity and compassion and that was enough to redirect to actual work.

Professionalism: 

If other people in the workplace have drama going on, there is no rule that says I have to take part in their drama.  I don’t have to take sides. I can simply refocus on the work while treating everyone with dignity and compassion.  If someone is incapable of doing their work, that is their problem. If they are actively or inadvertently preventing work from being done, I document my conversations with them and try to create clarity. I ask what support they need to get their part of it done. And then I work towards helping to make sure they have what they need. 

Being professional is about how you decide to act. If others act unprofessionally, that is about them. You, are professional if you behave professionally. If you think about people you think of as being professional, it’s not that they are famous, or uptight. It means that when a problem occurs, they respond to that problem with dignity and compassion and then start working through the problem treating everyone, including people who are very very very difficult, with dignity and compassion.

An example of dignity, compassion and professionalism in action:

My favorite example of this was a car rental clerk I once watched deal with a man yelling at him. The man had had to rent a car for over a month while his car was – apparently NOT getting fixed by a repair shop. His real anger was at the repair shop, but he was taking his anger out on the car rental clerk.  The rental clerk was filling out the paperwork to renew the car rental while this customer yelled at him that this paperwork was even necessary. 

At no point did the clerk yell back, he just listened and did his work. When he needed the angry man to sign something, he asked him to sign it and allowed the man to continue ranting. He would occasionally tell the man – I’m sorry, but I need you to sign this. I have never witnessed someone under that much stress handle something with that much dignity and compassion before and it was truly inspiring.  When it was all over and it was my turn, I congratulated the clerk on how he handled the situation.  His response?  Well, the guy was going through a tough time and the best thing I could do for him was to help him – re-rent the car he needed. It was as simple as that.  THIS is what professionalism is.  Responding to difficult people with dignity, and compassion and getting the job done despite it all. 

Learn More

Want to learn more - check out the courses I offer at: https://humanistlearning.com/programsoffered/  These programs are available for individuals and for groups. 

Maintain Your Dignity and Grace While Dealing with Difficult People

 Imaging if you could deal with difficult people – effectively, with dignity and grace and love in your heart. You can – if you use reason and science. 

I like to joke that I'm a Humanist, which means, I like people in the abstract. Real people annoy me.  Most people can relate to that as most of us - like people mostly, but don't like dealing with difficult people. 

No one likes dealing with difficult people. Not even difficult people.  

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I've trained a lot of people. Some people are ordered by courts to take my courses because, they were found guilty of harassing someone. I also get called in to do group trainings in offices where - they have a difficult person and are hoping my training will help them make their difficult person less difficult. 

Those people deemed "difficult" by others, love my training. Not just because I treat them with dignity, but because I teach them how to deal with difficult people while maintaining their own dignity. And that was their problem. They were dealing with the difficult people in their lives badly. 

I don't assume that someone is difficult just because someone told me they were. What I've learned is that often the most difficult people are themselves being victimized by other difficult people. Think of this as a vicious cycle where indignity breeds more indignity. 

The fix is to replace the vicious cycle with a virtuous one.  Teach people how to respond to indignity with dignity. And yes, this works. It not only works, it's pretty much the only thing that does. And yes, we have science to back that up.

The next time you encounter a difficult person, respond with dignity by treating them with dignity. Most of the time, this turns what was a fight, into an assist because that difficult person, was really a person who was struggling to have their dignity validated. 

Does this always work? No. But ... in those cases, responding with dignity will help you - fix the problem in other ways by helping to make it clear - where the problem really lies.

For parents, you know when your kids are fighting, it is impossible to tell who started the fight and really - it doesn't matter who started the fight. When you respond with dignity, you are refusing to fight and that makes it easier for managers to see what is really going on.

Ok - so this was a quick - high level overview. I realize most of you probably have a bunch of questions about how to do this in reality and how this really works.  I get that. 

If you want to learn more - I recommend my course on civility and dignity in the workplace - https://humanistlearning.com/a-humanistic-approach-to-civility/ 

I also offer a variety of courses that teach about how the science of how to get someone to stop harassing you works. https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Scheduling people? Choose wisely.

 Saw a post from someone talking about how they always gave 2 weeks notice when they quit jobs. I have always done that too so they aren't left short handed by my exit.

Except once. At one of my first jobs I worked at a department store. I asked them to NOT schedule me on a day I had tickets to go see a world cup soccer match.

My manager was rude & dismissive of my request. Basically, I was told that I didn't have a right to request a scheduling accommodation. They scheduled me on that day anyway. I didn't show up and left them short handed. Why? Because I had tickets to see a world cup soccer match! I had told them I was not available that day. They could have used that information to schedule someone else that day. But they choose not to. 

It was their fault they were left short handed. It was a problem they could have easily avoided since I had in fact given them 1 months notice that I was not available to work that day and so to not schedule me. 

I never went back to the job. I just quit. I had no intention of working for people that didn't treat me as human or that wouldn't allow me to have a life outside work. I am still annoyed that the manager was so petty that they would rather risk being short staffed than schedule appropriately given known scheduling conflicts. 

Another time, when I was older, I asked my boss to let me go on a 2 month leave of absence so I could travel in Europe with my brother. He said yes, and I worked to make sure that my work got done and was covered while I was gone. When I asked him why he said yes, he told me he had a choice, either he could work WITH me to make sure that the work got done in my absence, or he would end up short staffed with people who didn't know exactly how to do my job because he knew I was going to either way. He chose wisely.

My point in telling you all of this is to encourage you to treat your employees as valuable collaborators with you. They are there to help you. The least you could do is treat them as humans. People aren't robots and you have no right to demand that they abandon their life in order to "serve" you. They don't serve you. They aren't servants. They are humans who have agreed to help you out with the work that needs to be done. Treat them with dignity and work with them instead of demanding obedience. 

Dealing with Difficult People - with love in your heart

When I talk about Humanistic Leadership and Management, I talk about love. This can throw people because very few people think about love in business and when they do, they are often thinking of porn and not love as a business practice.

But let me ask you a question.  How would you change your professional relationships if you approach them with love in your heart?  How would you change your strategies if you approached them with love in your heart?  How would you deal with difficult people if you approached the problem, with love in your heart?

Love is a powerful philosophic approach. It helps give moral clarity and define what ideally should be happening.   

Love isn't just about romance. It is also about passion and compassion.  Thinking about what you value helps you make better decisions and behave better. 

So imagine if you could deal with difficult people – effectively, with dignity and grace and love in your heart. You can – if you use reason and science.  I have been teaching people how to do this for years now. I assure you, you cannot implement the science of how to deal with difficult people, unless you approach them with love and compassion.

Yes, this works. No, it's not crazy. I live this in my daily life and I assure you, it has a profound impact on everything I do.

Want me to teach you more? Here are courses on how to deal with difficult people and improve your interpersonal relationships: https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

In particular I recommend, how to deal with passive aggressive people. This course will help you better understand the connection between a loving mindset and the science. https://humanistlearning.com/passiveaggressivepeople/

What should I do if I feel my dignity is violated

 Whenever I do a presentation on how to stop bullies and I introduce the concept of dignity - I get asked - what should I do if I feel my dignity has been violated. This comes up a lot in my programs on civility and how to use dignity to create civility. 

The first thing to understand about dignity is - that no one can take away your dignity.  You may have your feeling hurts - and that is valid. But you - and you alone - are in charge of your dignity. 

Second. Acknowledge your feelings. You feel hurt. That's ok. 

Third - acknowledge to yourself - your dignity AND the dignity of the other person. Even if they don't acknowledge your dignity - doesn't mean you shouldn't acknowledge theirs. 

Fourth - Understand that the other person probably feels their dignity has been violated and they are trying to protect themselves.

Fifth - Focus on healing the hurt that both you and the other person feel. It is not necessary to win a - my hurt is worse than your hurt competition. Just - focus on healing both yourself and them. And work on building trust.

This - usually is enough to reset relationships and start building the trust that is required for positive relationships to happen. You - stop being a threat - the other person stops treating you as a threat.  Eventually - you can collaborate on solutions that work for both of you.

Every once in a while  - you will encounter someone this doesn't work with - but don't assume this won't work until you try it. 

If you want to learn more - take my course on a humanistic approach to civility and using dignity as a tool to create civility. https://humanistlearning.com/a-humanistic-approach-to-civility/

Practicing Humanistic Leadership when the people around you - are not.

I recently did a talk for 7,000 people online on Humanistic Leadership.  One person asked me in the chat: I want to ask that if one person is following and practicing these all things but other colleagues are not then in that case what can we do? 

A leader is someone people - follow.  To be a leader - means - you have to be courageous.  It means - choosing to do the right thing - even when the right thing is hard. And encouraging others to do the right thing too.

Being a leader - doesn't mean - being a boss. Ordering people around - is what managers do. Leaders - inspire and encourage people to follow them.

The question of - whether you can practice humanistic leadership if others around you don't - is - yes - and you absolutely should choose to be ethical - even if and especially if - the people around you - aren't being ethical!

This is a choice you make because of who you want to be. It's the choice to courageously be authentic to yourself and to your values and to encourage others to do the same. 

You don't need anyone else's permission to be humanistic in your approach to life and work and leadership.  You just choose to be that way. 

What will happen depends when you do this - will vary. I can't guarantee success. Unethical people - if they are your bosses - probably won't respond well. It happens. But ... if the bosses are ethical - they will see you - and acknowledge you for being the ethical person you have chosen to be.

I've had both happen. I've only really lost one job and it's because I stood up to my boss and told him that he must never say racist things in front of me ever again.  I've also stood up to bullies and have the chairman of the board call me to thank me and let me know I had their full support before they fired the problem person.

To me - while I prefer to have the good things happen by being good. The benefit of being a good person and making a point to be a good person - even in difficult situations - is that I know - I've done my best. My sense of dignity has remained firmed. 

If you want to be more humanistic - no one can stop you. Just - be a good person. Live your values. Be compassionate, honest and responsible with everyone you meet. Your reputation will benefit from this choice and - while the unethical people around you won't like it - most people you meet - will be thrilled and your social status will benefit as a result - because - the number of unethical people - is actually - small when compared to the silent majority who are sick of the unethical people but don't have the courage to do anything about it.

Want to lead - truly lead - approach everything you do and every person you meet - humanistically.

Learn more:

I have a variety of online programs where I teach not only Humanism but how to apply Humanism to your daily life and decision making. Check out my course offerings here - https://humanistlearning.com/programsoffered/

Group Decision Making - Inclusion and Psychological Safety

Are there ways for companies to improve their group decision-making? Here are some practical tips on how to plan/implement best practices as well as psychological elements that should be taken into account.

I teach humanistic leadership, behavioral science techniques and have over 30 years in executive leadership.

1^st - Good decision making. “Good” is a moral value judgement. You have to define what good means to the group.  What is a good outcome?  Only then you can look at your options and weigh them against the ideal.  This step – helps eliminate a lot of conflict in group decision making. Often what happens is different people have different ideas of what good means. When you get everyone into agreement on what a “good” result is – you can more easily gain consensus. 

Let me give you an example. I used to work in the tower industry. What constituted a “good” tower to maintenance – was a tower that was in good shape and didn’t need much work.  What constituted a “good” tower to marketing was a tower in a good location for their customers.  What constituted a “good” tower to accounting – was a tower that was generating more cash flow then debt.  Until you get all 3 stakeholder groups into agreement on what a “good” tower is – there will be squabbling.  And yes – this is a real example from my past – it was finally agreed upon that if we were generating more cash flow then debt – then costs to upgrade the tower were irrelevant as we were already net positive.  If there was less cash flow than debt – then we needed to consider whether there was any marketing growth at this location and how much maintenance costs we would have to put in to get that growth. Consensus through integration of all concerns– made all the other decisions easier. We grew to be a half billion-dollar company.

2^nd – Involving ALL stakeholders. It is very easy to make decisions alone. In fact – there is a reason why many people do this. Getting consensus among people with different ideas of what “good” is – is hard.  But it’s a mistake.  You don’t know what you don’t know and not knowing things leads to poor decisions. Bringing in all the stakeholders (from lowest to highest paid) helps ensure that everyone is on board with the plan. It also helps ensure that you aren’t blind to major issues. Diversity is good for decision making.

3^rd – Dealing with diversity problems in decision making. Having a discussion on what is “good” with a diverse group of people is often quite difficult. We all have blind spots.  We think our opinion is the most important opinion. Sorting all that out – takes humility, patience and dignity.  Dignity is an interesting word. You have to act with dignity yourself and give dignity to people you disagree with.  Most people aren’t really capable of this – or rather – they don’t have a lot of practice – acting with dignity and giving dignity to others. But it’s key to sorting out differences and helping a diverse group – become cohesive – while allowing space for all those diverse opinions.

So … how do you do this? Pragmatically? 

By acknowledging dignity violations. Everyone has been hurt at some point. Some  - more than others.  People coming from marginalized backgrounds (whether it’s gender, race, disability, poverty – or whatever), probably have felt like their dignity has been violated more than others.   Creating space for and acknowledging those violations – helps people feel heard. Helps them feel like their dignity is being acknowledged and helps them move past the past violations so that they can work collaboratively in the present. 

This really does work. But to do it – you first have to acknowledge your own feelings of hurt. Understand that you are in charge of your own dignity. No one has the ability to take it from you. You either act with dignity or you don’t. Claim your dignity. Then – help others claim theirs. Then – the first conversation about what constitutes a “good” outcome – becomes much easier.

Let me know if you have any questions.  In the meantime, if you want to learn more - I have a variety of professional development courses that can help you learn these skills for yourself. 

https://humanistlearning.com/category/businesscourses/professionaldevelopment/ 

How to fire people with dignity

How do you 'let go' of an employee without humiliating them?

Sometimes positions are eliminated and the employee isn't needed anymore.  The basic rule of thumb of how to treat them with dignity - is how would you want to be treated.

Explaining the reasons why they are being let go can help. Offering them a letter of recommendation is also much appreciated. Treating them fairly with regards to their severance.  Offering to put them in touch with other companies that might hire them.  All this goes a long way to helping people leave with dignity.

What if they are being let go for cause? 

Of course, this assumes, you are letting a person go who has done nothing wrong.  If they have misbehaved and are being let go with cause, then again - nonjudgmental - reasons why they are being let go and that what happened was not consistent with the expectations of the company. Understanding that what happened - they may and probably do view as unfair - allows you to be compassionate while doing what needs to be done. And again - treating them fairly with regards to severance and what is owed them will go a long way towards helping people leave with dignity.  It helps when you focus on the behavior being unacceptable, not that they as a person as unacceptable.

Most importantly - if something happens and someone is let go with cause - then - no gossiping. No bad mouthing the person. No rumors. Understand that good people sometimes do bad things. It's enough to remind staff that - your organization treats people with dignity. And leave it at that.

What are some of the best practices you use in terminating employees?

Best practices involve - treating people fairly and with dignity and making sure the paperwork is processed properly and making sure they are treated fairly with a severance and that any questions they have about what happens next - are treated with compassion and truth.

Getting fired is upsetting. It's scary. There is a lot of unknown.  Employers can make a difficult situation less difficult by being honest and open and fair and by having compassion for the person being fired.

The person being fired may not and probably won't reciprocate with dignity. That's fine. Their behavior defines them. You - should act with dignity and compassion at all times, even when and especially when you are dealing with people who aren't.

Treat all people who are being terminated with dignity and compassion. All of them.

Managing Different Generations

The key to managing different generations is actually quite easy. Treat them all with dignity and worth. Crazy – I know. 

There aren’t really any differences in our emotional make up. All generations are basically the same emotionally.  We all need the same things to feel psychologically safe and respected. Managers can give that to employees of any generation by treating everyone with dignity.  

This also means – recognizing that each of your employees – are individuals with individual life experiences.  Those life experiences make some people more anxious. Some people more eager. Some people more suspicious and some people more open to the point it annoys everyone. 

Everyone is different and treating each person as the individual they are – helps a manager give each employee what they need.  This also allows the manager to model professional and compassionate interpersonal relationships.  It sets the tone for how employees are expected to treat each other. 

Imagine if an office – everyone treated everyone else with dignity and appreciated what each individual brought to the team.  That’s doable.

The big difference between generations isn’t in personality. It’s in life experiences. The defining geopolitical events and economy at the time they grew up and entered the work force. This sets their expectations for how relationships are supposed to work – including relationships in the workplace. 

What cuts across all of that – is that everyone. EVERYONE wants to be recognized as a person with dignity and worth.  If you can do that – you can create an amazing team of individuals with different life experiences all contributing fully to the work and the team.

Humanism matters in business – because humans matter.

FYI – I have an online course on this https://humanistlearning.com/generationaldivide/ if you want to learn more or want to provide this sort of training for your team. 

Giving and Getting Dignity

Dignity is an internal state of peace that comes with the recognition and acceptance of the value and vulnerability of all living things.  – Donna Hicks

I love this definition of dignity.  Dignity is an important aspect of my practice as a Humanist.  I aspire to conduct myself with dignity and to give and and acknowledge the dignity of others.

It's an odd thing - to talk about giving dignity.  But when you accept the value and vulnerability of other people, you help them, see themselves as a person with dignity.

And that's an incredibly valuable gift. Because - not everyone feels like they have dignity. I am always amazed at how people change how they carry themselves after I acknowledge their existence as a human who I think has dignity.

So - what is dignity, why does it matter?  As with all things. Dignity is something you do for you. It's an internal state of peace that comes with the recognition that all living things and some non-living things have value and are vulnerable.

When you get this - it does provide a state of internal peace.  You have no doubt about who you are and why you are and the actions of others, can't take that away from you.

The giving of dignity, helps share that love around.  I had the privilege of talking with Dr. Hicks about leading with dignity (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mZGoaIUBx4) and it really has changed how I think and talk about this aspect of Humanism.  I used to talk about respect. But she is right, that doesn't quite capture it. Dignity is what we are talking about.

So - your exercise for the week is to contemplate what dignity means to you. What it feels like to be a dignified person and what it means to acknowledge the dignity of the people you meet in the course of your day. 

Dignity vs. Respect

A few months ago - I had the privledge of speaking with Donna Hicks about Dignity.  As a Humanist dignity is the basis of my philosophy and how I chose to relate to other people. However, I do admit - I use the term respect when what I actually mean - is dignity.

I have been working on changing how I speak about dignity - making sure I correct myself so that I can be more clear.

What follows are my notes from my conversation with Donna on this subject - I hope you find it helpful. And if you want to view the video - here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mZGoaIUBx4&t=5s

Dignity is difference from respect. You have the right to be treated with dignity. Respect is earned.

How to actually do dignity in an organization? 

• It has to be done at a systemic level. Leadership team – would create system policy that wasn’t about interpersonal relationship – policies that were filled with indignity.
• You can work to create a culture of dignity. Provide training on it. Make everyone in the organization conversant. Start with Exec leadership first.  Then train everyone else. 
• You can give and take a dignity pledge.

Based on science and behavioral motivations. Evolution psychology – why we behave the way we behave is because there is an inherent tension between our desire to protect ourselves and our inborn desire to be connected with others.

To a certain extent - we have to unlearn our instinctual responses – primal response override. This is NOT easy to do.

How do you actually do it as an individual? 

How is our dignity violated most?  80% said – safety was the biggest violation.  Not physical – psychological safety. We don’t feel safe to speak up when something bad happens.

It is career suicide to speak up.  So how do we develop feedback skills for people – and processes that protect this? 

How to give feedback effectively? It doesn’t have to be negative.  Can be a positive learning experience instead.  We also need to learn how to receive feedback without being defensive.

Question: How can solutions be implemented from the bottom up? 

                

Recipients of dignity violations harbor resentment. This can not be fixed within an organization from the bottom up.  Bottom up doesn’t work.   The top of the organization has to be willing to change.  People at the bottom will be targeted but unless the top is able and willing to receive grievances nothing will change.

It is important to remember that: Everyone is a good person – and everyone feels violated – those violations have to be dealt with before progress can be made.

Example: Dignity pledge. Has to be collaboratively created. It’s a check and balance against our worst selves.

Can empowerment help – is it enough? Dignity spells out clearly what it looks like to have your dignity honored and/or violated. It’s very clear picture of what the behaviors look like.  Dignity is an umbrella concept – empowerment is one symptom or way people’s dignity is violated.

What are most common way dignity is violated.

                Every day indignities: Safety – 80% 

People get really upset when they feel they are treated unfairly. One group is favored over another. Identity – gender issues. Always gender issues. Gender inequity. Always.

Failure to be understood.  Misunderstandings.   – Solution – give people the benefit of the doubt. Acknowledge the violation.  -

How does an organization deal with dignity violations?

                Role play acknowledgement exercise.

                Requires skill building and practice.

                Apologize!

               

Dignity Dialogues – need to have a process – safe place to discuss violations – reminds me of the school safe places or rather - de-escalation spaces. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxC_Q8zE0SU 

Restorative justice 

The goal is not to shame the violator. The goal is to reconnect the relationship.

Individual differences in dignity? Kids need their dignity mirrored to them. Adults need care taking too. It’s as important as physical well being. Physical and psychological safety.

                Compassion – sometimes violators is because – their own dignity was violated.

 Violations may occur because people are not be equal in status. But we are all equal in dignity. People in power have more responsibility to recognize dignity.  Leading with dignity is enormous.

Personal practice

1. As an individual human being – how can we improve our skills.  Recognize our own dignity – we have inherent value and worth.  Working with Desmund Tutu.  No one can rob us of dignity.  You get through being treated like crap – if you keep reminding yourself of your own dignity.
2. Recognizing our ignorance. We have neglected it. Make a commitment to learn this.  If we don’t have these skills – it’s hard to help others.
3. Recognizing the dignity of others. Our worth is the same as others.   Extending ourselves into something greater than ourselves. We need humility about our self-importance to make space for other’s dignity.

With businesses - our first concern cannot be about increasing share value – human dignity is a core concern – we need to make it primary.

Research shows- when people focus on dignity – productivity increases – better for business.

Being Human - choir edition

Part of being a Humanist is treating other people with dignity. 

I came across this video the other day. It is about a choir that recruited in homeless women to participate. The video focuses on 2 women in particular. What makes the video so compelling as a study in Humanism is that both women say they feel human again. They say it repeatedly – and it’s what makes them cry.

The people in the choir - treat them as if they are human. They know they are seen as human by the other members of the choir. And it makes them feel like they are human.

THIS – recognition of other people’s humanity – is what Humanism is all about.

Everyone has dignity and worth. We don't always treat people as if they have worth - but we should.  And when we do - we make the world just a little bit brighter. 

Leading With Dignity

Dr. Donna Hicks has 20 years of experience as a facilitator during international conflicts. One of the main things she learned during her time helping people who really don't like each other to find common ground, is to focus on dignity.

Here is a TedX talk she did on the topic:

She is going to be doing a live Q&A conversation with the folks at the International Humanistic Management Association (which I am associated with). I may even be interviewing her! Maybe.

The event is scheduled for April 27th - details and to RSVP at: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/leading-with-dignity-join-donna-hicks-at-our-humanistic-management-community-of-practice-call-tickets-44595102151


Her book - Leading with Dignity: How to Create a Culture That Brings Out the Best in People is coming out in August and is available for pre-sale https://amzn.to/2Ef7bwf 

"Most people know very little about dignity, the author has found, and when leaders fail to respect the dignity of others, conflict and distrust ensue. She highlights three components of leading with dignity: what one must know in order to honor dignity and avoid violating it; what one must do to lead with dignity; and how one can create a culture of dignity in any organization, whether corporate, religious, governmental, healthcare, or beyond. Brimming with key research findings, real-life case studies, and workable recommendations, this book fills an important gap in our understanding of how best to be together in a conflict-ridden world."

Dignity and Worth

This should go without saying, but everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. In fact, that is what recognizing each individual human as human is all about. It should not matter what someone believes, what color their skin is or how they do their hair. It only matters that they are human and have feelings and emotions just like you do.

We all have families. We all have dreams and desires. We all have likes and dislikes. We all bleed when we are cut. And we all have to pee and poop. We are all humans!

So don’t go justifying the poor treatment of your fellow man because they aren’t as human as you are. That viewpoint is just plain ignorant and at this point is getting REALLY annoying. So for those of you who are still bigots out there: GROW UP ALREADY!