Respectful communication

 I have online learning programs where I teach Humanistic Communication strategies and science based conflict management approaches. I was recently approached by a reporter to answer some questions about respectful communication. 

1. In your professional experience and opinion, what are the benefits of respectful communication in the workplace?

The benefit of respectful communication is trust. All business revolves around trust. Without that, things can’t get done and if things don’t get done in business, you won’t be in business long. 

The problem is that the term ‘respect’ means different things to different people. Does it mean treating people with deference. Or does it mean treating people with dignity? I’m not big on arbitrary authority, so I prefer to think of this as a problem of dignity. I reframe the question in my mind. Why I need to treat my colleagues with dignity?  The answer is, trust and professionalism. It’s best not to turn colleagues into enemies and it’s best not to make an enemy out of someone who wants to be your colleague.

But more than that, it’s about making sure I don’t create additional problems for myself and the team. If there is a problem in communication, it means there is a misunderstanding, probably on both sides. To me, being professional means, treating everyone with dignity and behaving in a dignified way myself. So if/when a conflict arises, I don’t respond tribally, I respond professionally and treat the other person with dignity and well-meaning and work through the misunderstanding to re-establish trust. To do that, I must communicate with dignity and reinforce the dignity of the other person.  If it turns out the other person really is undignified and behaving unprofessionally, then my professional dignified communication with them will serve me well by making it clear, the problem isn’t me. 

2. What is your #1 tip for achieving respectful communication in the workplace?

My number one tip is compassion. Compassion for myself when I respond with my hackles up to something that is said or done feels like an attack. This allows me to move out of defensive fight mode into rational thinking mode. Once I’ve done that for myself, I then turn my compassion to the other person and remind myself, they are a human being just like me and that most likely, what happened was just a miscommunication and not an attack.  Compassion allows me to respond to the person with dignity and to acknowledge the dignity of the other person so that we can work through what is almost always a miscommunication back to trust. 

The bonus of this approach is that if it was indeed an attack, by responding with compassion and dignity, I disarm and blunt the attack. 

Learn More:

I have a few online courses that can help you learn to practice these skills.

Humanistic Communication Strategies - Learn how to combine humility, compassion and personal responsibility into an effective communication strategy so you can focus on collaboration instead of combat. https://humanistlearning.com/humanistic-communication-strategies/

and

A Humanistic Approach to Civility and Dignity in the Workplace - This program is broken into two sections. The first discusses civility as a concept, covering the problems and difficulties of using civility as a metric. The second section discussed how to use dignity as a value in the workplace to improve interpersonal relationships and problem solving. The goal is to help people understand how to deal effectively with stress and difficult people while still behaving ethically and problem solving effectively. - https://humanistlearning.com/a-humanistic-approach-to-civility/

or

How to Win Arguments Without Arguing - In this program author and Humanist Jennifer Hancock will discuss recent research on how ideas are formed and changed to help you understand why and how to yield to your opponent and how to turn the conversation around using Socratic questioning techniques to frame the underlying moral debate to your advantage. If you want to learn how to win arguments by not arguing take this course! - https://humanistlearning.com/socratic-jujitsu/

and finally - I offer a certificate course in humanistic conflict management.

Certificate Program in Humanistic Conflict Management - This certificate program includes 8 courses for a total of 9 3/4 hours of content to teach you how to effectively, ethically and compassionately deal with conflict while still being professional.

https://humanistlearning.com/conflict-management-discount-bundle/

How to get co-workers to respect your time

Say No.

Not all the time, but be clear – ask about how long tasks will take and if you don’t have the time to help – say no. You can do this in the positive context of problem solving with them. But you have to demand that your time is not wasted and sometimes – that means saying no.


It's ok to say "I’m sorry – I have other obligations – and don’t have the time. Perhaps- there is another way you can get it done."

It is super important to be realistic about how much time things take and be honest about time constraints.  You help no one by accepting work you can’t complete at a high quality in the time given.  Good problem solving is realistic problem solving and that means – being realistic about the time constraints you have.

So – say no. When it is appropriate.  Keep your focus on solving the problem realistically.  If you are genuinely realistically helpful – you will not be seen as obstructionist.

I also find that – guarding my personal time – no – I can’t do that – it’s on the weekend and I have plans with my family – also gains me respect. Because I prioritize work life balance – people respect that.

On Dignity and Respect - as a Humanist

I have been thinking about the terms "dignity" and "respect a lot recently.  First - let me share - this:

Stimmyabby is correct - respect doesn't mean the same thing to different people.  I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Hicks on the concept of dignity.   She challenged my thinking even more. 

I am a Humanist - so I think in terms of everyone having dignity and worth - and I need to respect their dignity and worth. When I talk about respecting people as the individuals they are - I am talking about recognizing they have dignity and worth as humans and treating them with dignity. 

I am becoming more aware of the problems with using the word respect as a short cut to the concept of dignity. Curious to know what other people think. 

Confessions from a polite passive aggressive individual in the workplace.

I am working on a talk for the next HR Florida conference in August. It’s on how to deal with passive aggressive people so they don’t wreak havoc in the workplace.  In my mind, I was thinking of the bullies who control workflow by passive aggressively withholding information needed by others to get the work done.  I asked my friends and followers for input. One of them admitted he was passive aggressive at times and why.  He allowed me to share this in an article in the hopes that it would help managers understand their employee’s behaviors better so that people like my friend, don’t have to “scream” at you with their behavior. This just reconfirms my belief that when employees fail – it’s because their managers failed them. Keep that in mind when reading this.

(PS names have been changed to protect the innocent or not so innocent.)

Hi, my name is Joe (crowd: "hi Joe!") and I'm a hard core passive aggressive, not that any of you would care ("we feel your pain, Joe"). I've been a passive aggressive my entire life ("yeah, yeah, we know"), probably as a result of being raised in a very authoritarian household where overt defiance was an extremely bad choice ("ooh, yeah, confrontation sucks").

As a single data point, I can say that my passive aggressive comes out when I'm frustrated. At work this usually means that I'm frustrated with a policy or a boss that I think is screwed up but that I know I have no power to change, or else it's a situation where my time and effort have been committed to something by a boss where my input wasn't asked for or my assent was assumed - particularly when the activity in question is diverting me from my main purpose or goal in my job. Case in point: my district has a number of staff development days that are mandated. In past years, they took place during school days, so a substitute would be doing the job I love, badly, while I was off being walked through meetings full of jargon and buzzwords about teaching techniques that meant nothing to me. The crux of my frustration is that it feels like my district is deciding that we must have staff development (because that's what they're supposed to do), but they don't really know what they want us to learn, so they just throw stuff at us that doesn't seem to have relevance or a coherent plan behind it. So now I feel like I'm wasting time, _not_ getting my real job done, while some boss is checking off a box that they did their job to satisfy some boss above them. So I'm frustrated, and I show up with a big pile of personal work to do while fairly well ignoring the presenters that are spewing the jargon and buzzwords. Passive aggressive, big time. 

So in my case, in those instances, the solution is to give me a voice - give me some choice about whether I want to be involved in the dog and pony show, or would I rather get my real job done. My passive aggressive behavior is screaming at you that I'd rather be grading - and I hate grading - than be sitting in your meeting. If your meeting really is relevant and I'm behaving this way, then clearly I don't see the relevance - so perhaps the solution is to share the big picture with me and get my feedback about it. Maybe I don't sense that you, the boss, are really committed to the direction of this meeting or project or goal, and I think that any effort put into it is ultimately going to be wasted as the company shifts directions (again) and the old plan full of buzzwords is thrown out in favor of the new plan, full of new buzzwords. Regardless of what it is, I'm not being passive aggressive because I'm an a-hole, I'm doing it because I have a dissenting opinion that I don't believe I can openly express, so it's leaking out as passive aggressive behavior. Maybe we need to have a private meeting where my boss looks me straight in the eye, says "hey, this is all off the record, no repercussions - what's the matter?" If the boss and I can find common cause or make changes where my effort will be channeled into an activity I believe in, my passive aggressive will go away. Maybe I'm just a hard core introvert who wants to work in my cube, undisturbed, and you're throwing group activities at me left and right and it's putting my right out of my comfort zone. If we really cannot agree on a common path or a solution to my dissent, then perhaps I'm working in the wrong place. But I'd say that the number one thing passive aggressive people are looking for is the opportunity to have their voice heard and acted upon, probably in private, because if they felt comfortable enough bringing up their dissent in public, they'd have done it by now instead of being passive aggressive.

BTW - proud moment from my passive aggressive past: had a lab boss who could. not. run. a. meeting. She couldn't keep to a schedule or move a meeting along to save her life, so every time we had a meeting with her in charge there was no end in sight - it could drag on forever. So, I started taking a lab timer to our weekly lab meeting, setting it for 1 hour, and when it went off in the meeting I'd say "I have to go deal with my experiment" and leave. Was I running an experiment? Hell no. Half the time I'd go read email or something and then get back to work. My passive aggressive behavior was screaming "hey - keep yer damn meeting to an hour, would ya?", but she had no clue, and I was never going to say that out loud.

What lesson should you draw from this?  If you have an employee who is “not participating” the way you want – have a private conversation with them and LISTEN!  REALLY LISTEN. Give them a voice. Respect them. Employees aren’t robots. They are human beings. They deserve respect and if you treat them as a slave – you should expect them to behave in a passive aggressive way.

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Learn how to avoid these mistakes with my online course: 7 Sins of Staff Management.

Humanist Marriage

Respect and Problem Solving inside marriage

I am obviously a Humanist. My husband identifies as a Humanist too. We have been married for 17 years now. Still happily married. What is the secret to our success. Respect and problem solving.

I truly respect my husband. He is a wonderful person. Creative, caring, compassionate, responsible, kind, intelligent, interesting and supportive.   It is very easy to forget all that when we are problem solving though.

Marriage is a partnership. The two people work together to secure food and housing and health care and if they have kids, to help raise and take care of and support the individuals in their family unit – however that is defined and however extended that family unit is.

This is a long winded way of saying – marriages require a lot of problem solving. All the time.  Sometimes, we have disagreements on how best to solve our problems. Sometimes those disagreements are minor – like what color to paint the walls. Other times they are more pressing, like who is going to take out the trash or make sure the kid is picked up from whatever activity they are at.

Respect for the other person as a fully functional intelligent human being, helps us navigate those disagreements so that we engage in cooperative problem solving and don’t devolve into arguments.  People are often astonished that my husband and I rarely argue.  It happens every once in a while. But mostly, we just enter problem solving mode and respect each other’s ideas and suggestions. I guess that’s what comes with being married for 17+ years.

What I am sure of is that IF I didn’t respect him enough to value his opinion, he would have lost respect for me ages ago. Respect and problem solving – lead to a happy marriage. In my case anyway.

Learn more about how to integrate compassion and your coping skills so that you improve your interpersonal relationships with Living Made Simpler - the course

Bias, Stereotypes and Trust

How biases and stereotypes impact trust and how we can help make our workplaces more respectful and diverse.

I am going to share with you an article about some research that was done on middle school kids regarding stereotypes and trust. https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2017-02/sfri-fyo020117.php
 Kids, and people, notice when they aren’t being treated fairly and if happens repeatedly they lose trust in authority – for good reason.

"Youth of color enter middle school aware that majority groups could view them stereotypically," notes Valerie Purdie-Vaughns, associate professor of psychology at Columbia University, who coauthored the study. "But when teachers surprise them with an early experience that conveys that they are not being seen in terms of stereotypes, but rather respected, it creates trust and may set in motion a positive cycle of expectations."

The actionable intelligence for teachers is that going out of your way to express trust and that you don’t see them as a stereotype goes a LONG way towards establishing trust and that kids who experience social trust, have fewer problems.

The reason this is important to managers in the workplace is because, at some point, these kids grow up and enter the workforce. The same dynamics at play in the classroom exist in the workplace.

The big difference is that the biases are more ingrained at this point. Both on the part of the majority group seeing people stereotypically and on the part of minority groups who have spent their lives dealing with people who don’t respect them as fully human individuals.

It isn’t enough to talk a good talk about diversity.  If it were, we wouldn’t continue to have diversity problems.

In order to overcome these built in biases, we have to be proactive.  We have to go out of our way to recruit a diverse workforce. We have to go out of our way to express trust and respect. We have to go out of our way to build the relationships on which trust is built.

It isn’t enough to recruit in a diverse set of people. If they are not welcomed and respected and trusted, you will have problems in the workplace.

Fortunately, you can take proactive steps. Among those is learning about how implicit bias effects your decision making so that just maybe we can start hiring more truly diverse work forces. And we can also get training in how behaviors and corporate cultures are changed so that all of your staff can do a better job of making people feel like respected members of the team. And finally, training on how to stop harassment and bullying in the workplace, because seriously, there is nothing that screams disrespect more than being targeted by a bully and having your employer not do anything about it.

To learn more about how to help check out these courses:

• Unconvering & Controlling Your Hidden Biases - Free
• Ending Harassment & Retaliation in the Workplace - $35
• Bridging the Generation Divide - $35

Managing Older People

How to handle managing people who are older than you? It's an issue some of millennial have dealt with. A lot of this is about respect. This is what humanistic management and leadership is all about.

If there isn’t respect, the relationship won’t work. Doesn’t matter if it’s an older person managing a younger person or a younger person managing an older person.  The manager has to respect the employee or the relationship will be bad.

We are all different. We all have different experiences, knowledge bases and biases. Older people experienced different things than younger people did. They have different fears. But we are all still human and our basic emotional toolkit is the same regardless.

When managing someone, you have to find out what scares them and what excites them and how they as an individual need to be respected. Without knowing that, you won’t be a good manager. And again, it doesn’t matter what your age is – this is about getting to know the individual and not making assumptions about them.

If your staff member makes assumptions about you – fine. Don’t compound that mistake by making assumptions about them. Take the time to get to know them and respect their experience and what they know and have learned along the way. That way – you can utilize all the skills they bring to the table. That’s good management.

https://humanistlearning.com/generationaldivide/ 

How not to treat your vendors

File this under Humanistic Management

My husband is in sales. He was referred to a new customer by one of his existing accounts. My husband is really wonderful and trustworthy and honest and people like doing business with him so he does get quite a bit of referral business. Because, and I know this may come as a shock, but all things being equal, most of us would prefer to do business with a nice honest person than a slimy person who is only looking out for themselves.

Anyway – this new customer had placed an order, but then didn’t have the check on delivery.  He promised to bring it the next day but also wanted to eliminate some things and get new pricing on others. Needless to say, the next day, still no check, and further changes to the order. This went on for 5 days. My husband finally told the guy his money was no good and he would have to buy his product from someone else, but he was going to pick up all their stuff and that would be the end of it.

I am relating this story because it isn’t like this customer was trying to screw my husband and his company over. He was just so concerned about being taken for a ride himself, he assumed that he was and treated my husband and the company he worked for accordingly. As a result, he pissed his vendor, my husband, off and will now have to deal with people who may not be as courteous or conscientious.

The lesson in all of this is that your vendors are humans too. And just like any human, you should treat them as the individuals they are and not as the individuals you assume them to be. Yes, you need to protect yourself and get the best prices. Yes, you need to do your due diligence in order to know what it is you are buying and why and whether the prices are good. But you should do all that BEFORE placing an order and always remember. Good people HATE being treated as if they are criminals and if you insist on treating your vendors like disposable trash because you believe they are all interchangeable, you may just find that the best vendors will refuse to do business with you at all.H

Humanistic Leadership tips.

Humanistic Leadership starts with respecting your staff as the real human beings they are. It is very easy to forget that they have real dreams, desires and problems they are dealing with. But the leaders who respect their staff and the ones that do the best.  Here are 4 ways you can improve your leadership skills by taking a more humanistic approach to leadership.

Tip 1: Trust your employees. You presumably hired them for a reason. Trust that they are the good and qualified people they are. Give them some space to do their job and empower them to bring problems to you. This approach makes a huge difference in whether or not your employees feel valued.

Tip 2: Be Professional: Yes, you may want a casual atmosphere at work, but you also need to be the boss. That means, you need to be responsive to your employees. Set an example and get back to them right away. Keep them in the loop when you need to research something. Let them know where things stand for real. Always remember Elvis’ motto: Taking care of business in a flash. Take care of business. Professionally. Just think how you would want your boss to treat you and respond to you and that is how you should be with your employees.

Tip 3: Be ethical. Be honest. Don’t lie. Be Responsible. Don’t say you will do something and then not do it. The secret to ethics is to understand how much easier your life is when the people around you are ethical, honest, responsible and don’t lie. Once you understand that, it is easy to understand why you need to be as ethical as you can be as well. To make life easier on your employees!

Tip 4: Be Compassionate. Everyone who works for you is a real live human being. They have their own issues and problems and you need to be compassionate with them. This doesn’t mean that you should allow them to behave badly; it is more that if you feel compassion for your employees, you will treat them better and come up with better management solutions to help your employees succeed. They aren’t just there to support you. You are there to support them as well. 

Leading with Respect

Who would you rather vote for?

In order to get people to agree to follow you, you need to treat them with respect. People choose who they will follow and who they won’t. So even if you disagree with a subordinate, you need to at least treat them with respect and dignity despite the disagreement. Let me tell you a true story about two politicians to help you understand why this matters.

I am one of those citizens who write letters to my elected officials when I am concerned about a matter of public policy.  One time, I wrote my congresswoman a letter about a law I wanted to pass. She ended up voting against it, which is fine. The bill passed without her vote anyway. No harm no foul. But it is what she did next that I have not forgotten decades later! Two months after her no vote I finally received a letter from her explaining how she agreed with me that this legislation was important and needed to pass. Again, she had voted against it 2 months prior. This is a REALLY long time to not respond to your constituent. As far as I am concerned she committed three errors. 1) She also assumed I was stupid enough to not realize that she was lying about her voting record. 2) She did not respect me enough to tell me the truth and 3) she took WAY too long to get back to me. It honestly would have been better had she not written me at all. Anyway, I never voted for her again and I consider her to be one of the more corrupt and worthless members of congress to this day.

Another time, another state and another congressional representative and this time I wrote a letter opposing a piece of legislation. My congresswoman wrote back immediately and told me that while she understood why I opposed this legislation and she agreed with me in principle, she was going to vote for this legislation anyway. She spent the rest of her letter explaining why she was going to vote the way she was. It was a well thought out letter. She didn't convince me she was right, but I absolutely voted for her again. Why? Because she respected me enough to be honest and forthright with me and she was prompt in her correspondence. 

The key to being a good leader is to think about how you want your leaders to act towards you. Then be the sort of leader you would respect.  In other words, treat the people you lead as if they are real live humans and not just stepping stones you need to advance your career. 

(Image: "Hand Dropping The Vote Paper" by taoty FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

No Group Corners the Market in Stupidity

There are stupid people in every group. It is not ok to judge an entire group of people based on the actions and thoughts of their stupidest member.  So, do not judge all Christians on what the worst Christians do. Do not judge all Muslims on what the worst Muslims do. Do not just all Atheists on what the worst Atheists do.  Do not judge all men on what the worst men do. Do not judge all women on what the worst women do. Do not judge all blacks based on what the worst blacks do. And do not judge all whites based on what the worst whites do.

No group corners the market in stupidity.  Your job in life is to not be among the stupidest humans in whatever arbitrary social grouping you align yourself with. And the best way to ensure that you aren’t one of the stupidest people in your group is  to not be a bigot. Treat people like the individuals they are. Accept that all groups have stupid people and wonderful people. Don’t generalize the behavior of the idiots onto the entire group.  It is best to treat the people you meet as the potentially wonderful people they are until or unless they prove to you that they are stupid.

That’s what it means to respect the dignity and worth of every human. 

Don't Label Me Dude

One of the things I like about Humanism is that it encourages us to respect every person we meet as the individuals they are. Which to me means don't assume you know who a person is just because of some assumed affiliation you think they hold.  When you do that you generalize. And besides, we all know what happens when we make assumptions. We not only make an ass out of ourselves, we are usually wrong.

I bring this up because on Google+ I was just accused by a guy I don't know of equating Humanism with Atheism. For those of you who know me and have read my book, seen my videos or heard me talk, you know that is something I have NEVER done. In fact, I've written pretty extensively on the fact they aren't the same thing.  He just assumed that because I am a vocal Humanist that I equate Humanism with Atheism. As it turns out he has just published a book on Humanism, considers himself a Humanist, and feels like I do about the atheism issue. I am not going to link to his website though because the guy made such an annoying first impression on me by assuming I think things I clearly don't.

The point is that you should never assume to know what someone else thinks. And, if you claim to be a Humanist, you should probably:

A) Try applying your Humanist values of respecting the fact that people are in fact individuals to the people you actually meet. In other words, don't label them dude.

B) Get your facts straight. This guy didn't bother to find out if what he thought was even true. Which means he didn't bother to challenge his own assumptions which led him to make an ass out of himself when it turned out his rather angry and snarky comments to me were unfounded.

C) Don't assume you disagree with someone you've never met. Find out if you do first. And most of all, allow people to surprise you with just how wonderful they really are. 

Dignity and Worth

This should go without saying, but everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. In fact, that is what recognizing each individual human as human is all about. It should not matter what someone believes, what color their skin is or how they do their hair. It only matters that they are human and have feelings and emotions just like you do.

We all have families. We all have dreams and desires. We all have likes and dislikes. We all bleed when we are cut. And we all have to pee and poop. We are all humans!

So don’t go justifying the poor treatment of your fellow man because they aren’t as human as you are. That viewpoint is just plain ignorant and at this point is getting REALLY annoying. So for those of you who are still bigots out there: GROW UP ALREADY!