How to retrain a spouse that curses a lot

Question:

I'm wondering if anyone has techniques to get my husband to stop swearing so much around our 7 month old. I've been pretty good about watching myself, but he needs constant reminders. His excuse is that he can't speak yet and no matter how much I tell him that he's learning his vocab now, he thinks I'm crazy. I've been thinking about using a swear jar, but neither one of us keeps cash. (The plus side is that I would probably be able to go on a huge shopping spree lol) He's got the stereotypical sailor mouth (he does this for a living) Any help/insight would be appreciated!

Answer:

I come at this from a behavioral perspective. This is a behavioral problem, it needs a behavioral solution. What I am going to teach you here is based on operant conditioning techniques, specifically the how to extinguish an unwanted behavior technique. I mostly teach this in the context of how to stop bullying and harassment, but it also works for cursing spouses.

First thing you need to do?

Have something you can say. No one stops a habit cold turkey - this is no different. So make a game out of it. When he swears say - something funny that let's him know - it's not ok. Don't be mean. Just - Oh No You Didn't! This thing you say is called a delta.

2nd thing you need to do: 

Do this every time you hear him swear. Every time. After 3 to 4 weeks (the amount of time it takes to break a habit), he should stop.

What you need to know to make this work:

In between now and then, when you are issuing this delta (oh no you didn't) you will notice that he will get angry and frustrated with you. That's part of the process. It's called an extinction burst. Basically it means he may get worse before he stops. Don't get mad at him for this - it's part of the process. Doesn't mean he's horrible, just this is what happens when you unlearn a behavior.

Be Nice:

If he stops and smiles and makes a joke back and tries to do better - thank him. Don't underestimate the power of positive reinforcement.

Finally:

 Find a "curse" that is socially appropriate that he can say in lieu of the "bad" ones and give him positive props for using it when he does. The key is to make it positive and encouraging. This isn't something to argue about. Just retrain him.

If you want to learn more about this technique, get my book: The Bully Vaccine or take one of my courses - like Why is Change so Hard

Deltas – Positively Reinforced

This is for parents who would like to have more positive relationships with their children despite the need to say no!

One of the main things I teach is how to use operant conditioning to improve interpersonal relationships.  I am also a parent and yes, I use these techniques on my child and my husband and no – it’s not manipulative, it’s positively reinforcing the positive behaviors I want to see in myself and them.

Great Advice for Parents

Punishments, time outs and consequences: making sense of the advice.

I’m a mom. I participate in a variety of mom discussion groups. I find a sense of solidarity and support in them. The most common theme that is discussed is: how the heck do I get my kid to do what needs to be done without punishing them?  I mean seriously – sometimes they only respond to threats.

We have been told punishment is bad and counterproductive and we are to use time outs instead.  But, we end up using time outs as if they are punishments, which ideally they are not. And so now there is a backlash against time outs called, wait for it ... time in. We have been told to create natural consequences to help our children learn to behave well, and we end up using consequences as punishments too. And we threaten our kids with punishment in the form of consequences or time outs. We can’t seem to get away from the do what I say or else model of getting our little heathens to behave the way we want or need them to.

There is a lovely article from psychology today that has a list of 10 alternatives to consequences. And the author rightly points out that consequences should not be used as punishments. (see: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201407/10-alternatives-consequences)

Most of the advice amounts to reasoning with your child in such a way that your child will conclude: doing what you need them to do is a good idea. In other words, go Socratic on your child.

I’ve been doing this since my son became verbal. I have always made it clear, he is free to choose his actions and by doing so, he is choosing his consequences. I don’t just impost consequences as a threat. When he is acting out or being defiant – I say – ok – what is it you want to accomplish. He tells me. Then I say, Is doing whatever obnoxious thing you are doing going to get you that? (The correct answer is NO!) What is likely to happen if you keep doing it? (Hint – mommy is going to get frustrated and mad because – heck – she’s human). Do you want crazy mad mommy? (Usually he does not). How might you behave to get what you want? (Hint – do what I need you to do).

He is in charge of his behavior. He chooses his consequences through his behavior. And we do this explicitly. It’s not an emotional process. When he gets upset, and lets face it, we all do, we tell him it’s ok for him to get mad. But acting on anger usually makes things worse, so let’s work together to reason through his options so that we, his parents, can help him rectify his problem.  And, sometimes we can’t. And he has come to accept that too.

Bedtime battles? We never had them. His bedtime is what it is and there are certain things that have to be done before bedtime and if he wants story time, he needs to get them done in time for us to have reading time. He still gets snuggled and stuff, but certain privileges go away because of time constraints. This isn’t a punishment, it’s a natural consequence.

The key to being able to do this – is the reset (or Do-Over in the list from Psychology Today). You can’t be angry or frustrated when you help your child calm down and reason through their actions. You have to be calm and model calm reasoning. Being angry and frustrated is going to happen. You can’t expect your kid to calm down if you can’t. So you calm down first and then start compassionately helping your kids to choose their behavior so that both of you are happy with the outcome.

Parenting without Punishment – A Humanist Ideal

Raising a kid with respect doesn't mean raising a kid without discipline.

I have never hit my kid. Well, not never. I did one time whack him when he bit my butt, but that was an accident. I was doing dishes when he bit me and I wheel around to see what it was and accidentally hit him in the process. We both cried quite a bit as a result.

What I mean to say is I've never used physical punishment on my child. My son is intelligent, well behaved and a joy to be around. He’s 9 and he’s reasonably well disciplined. I say reasonably because I still have to keep track of his homework and remind him to do it.  But, he’s only 9, I’m pretty sure he will eventually have enough self-discipline to be responsible for those tasks too.

Given how many parents seem to think hitting kids and physical punishment is necessary to raising a well-disciplined kid, I have to wonder if maybe their definition of discipline is different from mine.  To me discipline isn't imposed by others, it is self-discipline that is the ideal. I was able to help my son become such a pleasant well behaved kid because I taught him how to choose to be good for himself. If I had tried to force him to obey me through the use of physical punishment he would have never become self-disciplined.

Hitting kids to get them to obey you is a form of bullying. It’s abusive. It’s unnecessary and it’s counterproductive to the goal of raising well behaved kids who have sufficient self-discipline to behave well without the threat of punishment.

I’m not alone in thinking this. The American Psychological Association agrees. They came out against corporal punishment back in 1975 as being unnecessary to the development of moral and competent adults (http://www.apa.org/about/policy/corporal-punishment.aspx) and more and more research has been done that shows that not only is spanking as punishment not necessary, it’s actually counterproductive - http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking.aspx 

But is the question of whether or not to physically punish children a Humanist issue?  Of course it is. The methods humanist parents use to raise ethical, responsible adults must reflect our values. Physically battering a child is morally indefensible given that it serves no good purpose and is actually counterproductive.  We have other more humane methods we can use to help our children learn self-discipline and we should be using them.

Helping parents learn how to parent without resorting to violence is a goal all Humanists should share which is why the American Humanist Association, in 2000 issued the following statement:

“The AMERICAN HUMANIST ASSOCIATION deems corporal punishment a form of intimidation and condemns its use against anyone at anytime for any purpose, no matter how noble sounding, and calls for all people of goodwill to unite against its use.”

Training a child not to hit

A lesson in humanistic parenting

Question: 

My 4 year old boy keeps hitting, pushing and knocking down his peers at his preschool. He is everyone's favorite but The behavior is escalating and he doesn't seem to listen to me. He grins after seeing someone get hurt. What can I do to prevent this?

Answer: 

You can't. Not alone anyway.  Trying to reason with a 4 year old hours after the fact that something they did - wasn't ok - isn't an effective way to change behavior. 

You need to have a conversation with the teachers and find out what they do when it happens. If they don't immediately remove him from play so that he can't hurt others, they need to start. After a short break, he can return to the group activities.  This isn't punishment, it's a natural consequence. They cannot allow him to play with others if he is going to hurt them. When he plays nice, he is allowed to play. When he doesn't play nice, he isn't. They need to be consistent every time it happens.

They also need to tell you how he did every day. You - with him at home, tell him what the rules are. Every day he doesn't shove or hit someone - you do something nice for him. Every day he does something he shouldn't have - he doesn't get that special whatever from you. These should not be big things - but maybe - a Popsicle or something.  Something small and ordinary that he likes. When he gets a good report - he gets a treat. When he doesn't, he doesn't. Again, this is not about punishment, it's about rewarding the behavior you want - which is a child who doesn't hit his playmates. 

If this sounds a like training a puppy, it is. This is a behavioral problem, it has to be handled in a behavioral way.  It shouldn't take him too long (perhaps 2 or 3 weeks) to change his behavior.  There is a possibility he could get worse for a while - that's expected, it's part of the behavior extinction dynamic. Just stick with the plan until he gets with the program.

First appeared on quora.

Learning about anger management with video games

Teaching your child to deal with disappointment without throwing a tantrum.

Being an Atheist in Christian America had a wonderful blog post about how she accidentally taught her kid to deal with is anger management problems using Super Mario Bros. (See: http://beingatheistinachristianusa.org/?p=1597)

Her approach is wonderful, responsible and compassionate. She says, “it is my responsibility as a parent to teach my children how to handle anger and frustration appropriately.  And handling our anger is in no way an easy task.”  I agree.

Here’s how she did it.  Whenever her son got mad while playing the video game  - and he would start throwing a tantrum, she would tell him, you are too upset to play right now – go outside and burn off some of that energy. He didn’t like it – but she was consistent. And then, one day – after her starting to think – this isn’t working, he just suddenly – was able to catch himself getting mad and calm himself down so he could keep playing.

From a technical standpoint what she did is she provided a delta – a signal that the behavior isn’t ok. Notice, she did not give him a punishment. She gave him a consequence – he’s not in control, he needs to go outside and work it out until he is in control. This wasn’t about his emotions being wrong or bad. It wasn’t an argument. She didn’t punish him – as soon as he was calm, he could play again. Just – you can’t play video games while throwing a tantrum.  And, she was consistent. And it took a while and eventually – it just clicked and he got it.

What made this work was her consistent approach and the compassion she had for her child while he was upset. Will he be able to transfer these new found anger management skills to other situations? I suspect he will.