Trusting your gut vs. Challenging your gut reaction?

Do you trust your gut - or challenge your gut reaction?  That's a really good question and I don't think a single answer suffices.

I teach an online course on how to uncover and control your unconscious bias. It's a free course - you can access it here - https://humanistlearning.com/controlling-our-unconscious-bias/

I recently had a participant respond to the question - do you trust your gut or challenge your reaction. Their response was enlightening - so I am sharing it here:

"It depends. Some unconscious biases are hard wired into our genetic code and are useful tools to keep us safe and alive. I've served in the military long enough to trust my "gut," which is where I see my unconscious biases nudging me.  

However my resilience training has also taught me to take hold of that initial thought to an activating event, determine if my "gut" reaction is realistic, valid, or some type of thinking trap (e.g. bias), which then allows me to control my reaction to that thought. 

A light is shined on a potential bias, which allows me to react correctly opposed to letting my subconscious control my reactions." 

I love this. This is a perfect explanation of the role that critical thinking should play in our thinking. It is normal to react to things. It is normal to have emotional responses to things. However, it is also a good idea to acknowledge the thought and then think about whether or not that is valid.  In this way - you can choose your response to your response.

And this brings us to the graphic. Responsibility is the ability to choose your response. Thoughts? 

My success as a woman in business

My husband always tells me – it takes 8 years to become an overnight sensation.  And a big part of the battle – is just showing up consistently.

My success is a function of endurance and innovation.

I run an online learning company called Humanist Learning Systems. I provide online continuing education for HR, and legal professionals as well as personal development training and humanistic leadership training. My major focus is teaching people how to humanistically handle bullying situations using compassion and behavioral science to train bullies to stop. And yes, it does work. This is the – innovation part of what I do.

The rest is sweat equity and endurance.  I do this work – part time. I am primarily a mom to a now 14-year-old son. A big part of my current success is that I had the financial ability to keep at it over the course of years.

A really interesting thing happened in year 5. Suddenly, I was considered a legitimate business by the companies seeking me out.  I’ve been around long enough that I’m not likely to fold in the middle of a contract.  The longevity of my business gives me credibility. After all, a business that isn’t successful, closes shop. I haven’t -  therefore I must be successful. After the 5 year mark – getting new clients got easier. 

The other aspect of my success is volunteering. 

I don’t focus so much on making money – as much as I do on helping other people. My latest book- was a result of volunteering to promote – Humanistic Management. I’m on the board now – of the International Humanistic Management Association.  Why? Because I showed up consistently – not because I was expecting to get anything out of it – but because it was work that I am passionate about and that needs to get done. I was asked to write a book as a result of that volunteer work and I’m meeting people I wouldn’t otherwise meet and I’m seen as an expert in my field – just because I showed up and volunteered and have done so consistently for several years. 

In order for an innovation to be trusted, you have to endure long enough to gain people’s trust. 

Building Trust - a benefit of a well run whistleblower program

A company that runs whistleblowing software for companies to use - surveys their customers regularly.  One of their findings is that the system builds trust.  Here's how.

First the link:

https://acfeinsights.squarespace.com/acfe-insights/2019/4/22/new-survey-building-trust-the-main-benefit-of-a-whistleblowing-program

From the article

"The key purpose of any whistleblowing system is to enable companies to detect and act on misconduct before it causes too much financial and reputational damage."

The reason companies who take whistleblowing seriously - increase trust in staff is because - people who are unethical are exposed and fired before they can do too much damage. with unethical people not infecting the workplace, the remaining workers are freed up to trust each other because - they can  - because the people they work with are - trust worthy.

The work I do mostly centers on ending bullying and harassment, but according to their survey most of what whistleblowing systems catch is fraud and financial crimes. There are good reasons to put a whistleblowing system in place.  The challenge - is to make it work so that staff do trust the system.

Their advice?  The whistleblower must receive anonymity. This means - staff in charge of investigating the allegations - don't actually need to know who the whistleblower is - to validate whether the allegations being made are true or not. What matters isn't who blew the whistle. What matters is whether or not the allegations are true.

Given the increase awareness we all have about the importance of whistleblowers, we would all do well to remember that.

The second part of the system is to have good people who are empowered to investigate allegations and processes in place to handle reports.

I would add - finally - you need upper management committed to ethical business practices so that when their whistleblowing team tells them they have a problem - they act to get rid of the offender rather than protect them.

What I can help with is training on how to create behavioral training systems to help you better respond to allegations that are made: https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

How to encourage your child to speak up

How to encourage your tween or teen to talk to you so that you can help them navigate puberty successfully. 

If you want a kid who speaks out against bullying, injustice, or even just a kid who will tell you when something is wrong so that you can help them, you have to start encouraging this behavior when they are young. You can’t take a kid who you have encouraged to remain silent for 15 years and suddenly start having them reporting bad behavior or things that trouble them.

Reporting has to be rewarded. Most of the time it is not. The adults around kids don’t want to be bothered by petty stuff. The problem is if a kid can’t trust you to listen attentively to the petty stuff, they aren’t going to trust you with the important stuff.

It takes time for kids to open up. I had one parent go through my bullying course with her 9 year old and it took about a month before her daughter starting actually telling her what was happening, which included her daughter receiving death threats on a fairly regular basis. The mom knew things were amiss, she just had no idea how bad things really were.

The lesson is that in order to get kids to report things that upset them or scare them or frighten them, we adults have to be willing to listen to and help them with the petty stuff first.

Most of us find the petty stuff really annoying and, well, petty.  I know I can only listen to my 7 year old talk about the layout of his 100 trillion room mansion for about 2 days before I start asking him to talk about something else. Regardless of how difficult it is, start paying attention. Your child is telling you this petty stuff to test you out to see if you can be trusted. Earn that trust by putting in the time needed. You will be rewarded by having a kid that will tell you when something is wrong later on.

If you have a teen and you want to start encouraging them to speak up, the best way I have found is to start having conversations about ethics and personal responsibility and decision making. This will help them think through who they want to be and help them ground their future decisions in a way they and you can be proud of. Kids want to have these conversations; it is up to the parent to initiate them. Talk about every day decisions, who to date, how to date, whether or not to drink, who is nice, who isn’t and why. Talk about how they might make decisions about who to hang out with in a way that benefits not only themselves but the people around them. (If you need help getting started - check out my book The Humanist Approach to Happiness)

Once those lines of communication open up and your child feels comfortable talking to you about things that are bothering them, they will start telling you about the stuff that scares them as well. Once you can talk about ethics and personal responsibility, your child will want to ask and discuss stuff they think is ethically questionable and/or dangerous. Just give them time and don’t freak out when they bring these things up. They need you to be calm and responsive and not a parent in freak out mode.

For instance, if they tell you a friend was talking about suicide, calmly ask them who and have them help you develop a plan for intervention. Don’t take this from them; help them take the lead in doing what is right.

Just remember, you have to work your way to that level of trust with your child. You can’t rush it. The only way to get there is through deep, meaningful and not annoying conversations.