How do humanists explain evil?

This may seem odd, but I’m not sure that Humanists have a concept of evil. Instead, we view behavior as self-motivated and either adaptive or maladaptive. That doesn’t mean we are moral relativists, it’s more that we view bad behavior through a more compassionate or understanding lens. Let me explain.

I don’t think of people as being evil. But I do judge behavior as good or bad.  I don’t think people wake up and think – today I’m going to do evil, though they may indeed act in a way that harms others.

So let’s start with morality. Good vs bad is a moral judgement. As a Humanist, I judge something as good if it helps people and bad if it hurts people. If it hurts a LOT of people, it’s REALLY bad.  The impact can be so bad that it is easy to view the behavior or action as evil.

But does that mean the person who took that action is evil?  That’s harder for me to accept. Most people don’t chose to do bad. They do bad things because they are trying to do good things. That isn’t an excuse obviously, but it is a way to understand human behavior.

I also think it isn’t helpful to view people as “evil.”  Labeling people as evil is a way to dehumanize them. This may help us in the moment emotionally distance ourselves from behavior we find abhorrent, but I think dehumanizing people does way more harm than good.

When we understand people’s choices as being rational to whatever ideas they hold, we then admit that we could be them.  That’s scary for a lot of people. But for me, recognizing that I too could have gone down that path – there but for fortune – helps me to recommit to not going down that path, whatever that path was/is.

The point is – as a Humanist, I don’t have a conception of evil even though I can look at certain actions as being evil.  How do people do things that are horrendously bad? Because they convinced themselves it was the right thing to do.  Even Hitler thought he was doing something good.
The onus is on us as individuals to make sure we don’t fall prey to bad thinking which results in bad actions which cause harm.  It is our responsibility to make sure we actually do good things and don’t accidently do bad things while thinking we are doing good.

Is this easy to do? No. But it’s our responsibility and we have no one else to blame. And that’s – a good thing.

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To learn more - get a free copy of my book: Jen Hancock's Handy Humanism Handbook

Humanism and Politics

Oh yes – I am going there!

The United States Presidential Election is just a couple of weeks away. I am sure that all my readers are probably pretty opinionated about it. I am not planning to use this space to tell you who I think you should vote for. I respect you too much for that. Instead, I wanted to visit the idea of what political humanism might look like and why.

One of my friends, who is Portuguese living in America, shared this with me. http://www.humanists.net/pdhutcheon/humanist%20articles/Beyond%20Left%20and%20Right.htm  It is an article titled “Beyond Right and Left: A Humanist Approach to Politics.” It was published in 1995 in the Humanists in Canada winter edition. The gist of the essay is this: “It is time we buried both libertarianism and socialism as world views, and sought an approach to politics more compatible with the premises of modern scientific humanism. Let us show the rest of society that we can do better!”

This resonates with me because I dislike both libertarianism and socialism even though I agree with the principles underlying each approach.  I am apparently not alone in feeling this way. As Pat Duffy Hutcheon, the author of the essay, points out, Socialism and libertarianism are both flawed because their underlying assumptions about what and who humans are – isn’t scientifically correct.

He argues that Humanists should push us beyond these fundamentally flawed approaches to politics and instead encourage a better understanding of humans as socially embedded autonomous individuals.
Which brings me to the next thing I want to link you too - https://www.thersa.org/discover/publications-and-articles/rsa-comment/2010/08/rsa-animate---21st-century-enlightenment-/

The RSA is the Royal Society for the encouragement of Arts, Manufactures and Commerce. They are a Humanist organization (founded in 1754) pushing for a 21st century enlightenment grounded on the concept of humans as socially embedded autonomous individuals.  

How does this concept of the human as a socially embedded autonomous individual change how we think about social policy?  Yes – autonomy is good. But social connection and responsibility is good too. What we come up with is that it’s not either/or that works, but both together are necessary for human flourishing.

But enough about what I think. What do you think?

Why are Humanists so skeptical all the time?

In honor of International Skeptics Day - I prepared this little presentation on why Humanists are such skeptics.  It includes 5 reasons why skepticism is so helpful Humanists consider it an essential life skill.

Enjoy.  Oh - forgot to mention. International Skeptics Day is also Make Your Dreams Come True Day!  Skepticism can help with that too!

A Humanists guide to skepticism from Humanist Learning Systems

Playful Learning

How to create a school for Humanists – focused on playful learning – middle ground.

I am a Humanist parent with a special needs child in the public school system – where he will take 90 ish standardized tests this year. He’s in 3^rd grade.  He’s doing well and very well supported in this school.

But that doesn’t stop me from dreaming of something better. I think most parents are like this – at least the ones I know.  We want our child to have an ideal education. As I build my humanist learning company – I sometimes dream about creating a humanist school for children. One that takes what we know about child development and how children learn and put it into practice so our kids will not only enjoy learning, but thrive as children and as the adults they will become.

Supernaturalism, Imagination & Assumptions

Where there is no imagination there is no horror. ~Arthur Conan Doyle, Sr.

I love me a good horror movie. One with lots of supernatural terror. This may seem strange, since I am a Humanist and a naturalist (note – naturalist is not the same as naturist – the former is about embracing the natural world, the latter is about wandering about naked – as nature intended).

Anyway – while I love contemplating supernaturalism, I don’t worry about it. It’s safe horror fun. Which is why I enjoy horror movies. It’s harmless fun. Mostly.

The problem is when belief in supernatural things exceeds common sense.

I have a kid. He loves to imagine scary supernatural things. But the reason he does it is because he has a good imagination.  And what he doesn’t know, he imagines. And he makes assumptions.

Upon seeing a dark room, he can’t see what’s in it. So his imagination runs wild. Is that dark room empty, like his mom says? Or does it have a Neanderthal in it (don’t ask – geeky kids have unusual fears). And if there is a neanderthal in the room, does it want to eat him? As this point my son doesn’t know and he doesn’t want to find out – so I am called to turn on the light for him – so he can put his fearful imagination to rest and realize – yes – the room is indeed empty.

While this might seem like typical child stuff – some adults do this too. They don’t know something, so they imagine something. Their imagination scares them and they don’t seem to have the courage to turn on the light to find out if what they imagined is real or not. So they assume what they imagine to be real and rather test their assumptions, because that is scary, try to avoid the room altogether.  It’s not a very adult way of dealing with problems is it.

Why do Humanists reject supernaturalism?  Because, we all suffer from the supernatural imagination assumption problem. We all have irrational fears.  When we explicitly choose to reject supernaturalism, we remind ourselves that things aren’t probably as bad as we imagine them to be. It’s unlikely there is a monster in my room and so if I just add a little light of science – I might actually be able to see reality for what it really is instead of how I imagine it to be.

And if I have the courage to face my fears, I may just be surprised by how amazing life can be.

Why do Humanists encourage self-education?

Humanists are dedicated to self-education because we understand that education is the key to Auto-Liberation.

The Atlantic had a brilliant essay recently by Ta-Nehisi Coates called Being French.  The subtitle of the essay is: It’s hard to learn a new language. But it’s way harder to learn a new culture. (See: http://www.theatlantic.com/features/archive/2014/08/acting-french/375743/)

This brilliant essay is about the role education plays in both subjugation and liberation.  Subjugation results from the restriction of learning. The problem is that we can do this to ourselves when we restrict our own learning. Maybe we don’t want to learn.  The problem is that when we refuse to learn, we limit ourselves.

Liberation is not something that is given to us. It is something we have to learn and earn for ourselves.  This is why self-education is the key to auto-liberation.

Ta-Nehisi talks about his own journey to cosmopolitanism, which is an attitude of openness to other cultures.  Cosmopolitanism is important because it opens us up to learning.

Ta-Nehisi provides an ample example of this when he talks about the self-education of the Cherokee.  Settlers hope that by educating the Cherokee – they could control them. The opposite happened.  The Cherokee didn’t restrict their learning to what was provided for them. They took to self-education and the liberation that comes with it as if their lives depended on it – because it did.

To quote Ta-Nehsis “Openness to education did not make the Cherokee pliant to American power; it gave them tools to resist that power. Realizing this, the United States dropped the veneer of “culture” and “civilization” and resorted to “Indian Removal,” or The Trail of Tears.”

Restriction of learning is a tool of suppression. Control of education is power. If you want to have power and autonomy, you have to control your own learning. You have to make learning a priority for yourself and to actively seek out opportunities to learn.  This is why Humanists consider education so important.

Ta-Nehisi continues, “In our time, it is common to urge young black children toward education so that they may be respectable or impress the “right people.” But the “right people” remain unimpressed, and the credentials of black people, in a country rooted in white supremacy, must necessarily be less. That great powers are in the business of using "respectability" and "education" to ignore these discomfiting facts does not close the book. You can never fully know. But you can walk in the right direction.”

That right direction? Self-education and auto-liberation.

It takes a village

Humanist parenting – collectively – even when the other parents aren't humanists.

I live in a nice neighborhood. We have a lot of kids, they all run around playing together. My son has the requisite scrapes and bug bites one would expect of a kid who spends time playing outside with friends.

And, as is to be expected, not all the kids are nice and wonderful. It happens.  And I think my approach as  humanist has really helped. Not just me, but the kids and the other parents.

You see, I don’t assume that just because a kid is acting inappropriate that there is anything wrong with them or that their parents are horrid and teaching them to be bad. I assume, instead, that they are a little kid who may have picked up some bad habits. Sure, it could be caused by bad parenting, but then again, that’s an assumption.

Whenever we have had problems, I go to the other parent and talk to them.  I realize this is a shocking thing to do but here’s what happens. We, together, end up making plan to help their kid learn how to behave better.  I know I would want to know if my son was being a horrid little shit to other kids. And so far, the other parents have appreciated knowing what their kid has been getting up to while they are out of sight.

It really does take a village and it takes compassion and trust and a willingness to reach out and help one another to help these kids learn how to maximize their strengths while learning how to be fair and kind to other kids at the same time. Because in every instance, the problems were a result of a highly intelligent child learning they can manipulate others.  That’s heady power. And with great power comes great responsibility. Our jobs is not to shut energy and talent down but to help the child learn how to channel that power for good.

And isn’t that a much more proactive and powerful way to think about interpersonal dynamics your kid is experiencing?   Will this work every time?  No. But unless you reach out to the other parents to see if that is what they want for their kid, you will never know. Don’t write off the obnoxious kids without learning more about them and their families. Just don’t.  Extend to them the same compassion you would want for yourself.

4 Life Hacks from Ancient Philosophy

What happens when science validates ancient philosophic ideas on how to be happy.

Humanists aren’t picky about where we get our knowledge from. As long as it works, and is scientifically verified to work, we use it.  Turns out that the Stoics, yes, those folks who used to deny themselves pleasure, were on to something.  Here is a great article about 4 life hacks from the Stoics - http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2014/01/ancient-philosophers/ - and the best part of this article is that there are links to the scientific studies that show these particular life hacks of the stoics work in reality.

For those of you who hate linking – here they are:

1) Imagine all the bad things that might happen. Then when they don’t, feel relief and gratitude, and yes, a bit of happiness. Take that obnoxiously irrational positive thinkers.

2) Act as if.  Turns out that even if you aren’t feeling it, if you act as if you are, you really will trick your body into believing and feeling like you are. So go ahead and fake your emotions until you make it. And no – that isn't a license of unrestrained and irrational exuberance. Reread Hack 1 to ensure balance.

3) Deny yourself now and again. Turns out, if you not only don’t indulge, but you actively deny, then when you allow yourself to do something again, it really is that much better.

4) Forgive yourself for not being perfect. As I tell all my students. No one is a perfect critical thinker and no one is totally compassionate 100% of the time. It’s ok. Just keep trying and keep practicing. These are called philosophic practice for a reason!

So, what is your favorite life hack from ancient philosophy? (Note – you do not need to limit yourself to the stoics.)

Living Wisely as Humanists

Do Humanists really know something others don’t?

I don’t think so. It’s more the combination of what we know with how we choose to approach life that seems to work so well.

For instance, almost every self-help coach selling their “wisdom” in the market place is teaching concepts familiar to Humanists.  I am always amused at how often Humanists are quoted by motivational experts for instance  (Helen Keller and Albert Einstein appear to be favorites).

What annoys me is that almost all these experts use the motivational aspects of the Humanist philosophy and ignore the decision making aspects of the philosophy.

Don’t get me wrong, the motivational aspects of Humanism are hugely important. Without proper motivation, we aren’t motivated to do much of anything.  The problem is that these motivational experts don’t teach the rest of the philosophy. It’s not enough to be motivated to do good, if you can’t figure out what a good thing to do is. It’s not enough to take personal responsibility to making your life better, if you have no idea how, exactly to do that.

And that’s the real problem we all face.  The question is not whether we want to lives of personal fulfillment that aspire to the greater good of humanity. Almost everyone does.  The problem is very few know how exactly to do that.

Which is why Humanists don’t spend a lot of time on motivation, except to remind ourselves to not wait for someone else to solve our problems for us.  Instead, we spend our time figuring out how best to solve our problems using our intellect.  Once we have a good idea of how to solve our problems, the rest is just doing it.

Just do it – is a nice slogan, but it’s probably best if you spend some time thinking about what it is you want to do before you do it. That way, when you do do it, the results are likely to be good.

If you are in the market for self help, don’t limit yourself to feel good woo based options. Seek out Humanist self help so that you can actually learn the critical thinking skills needed to make wise decisions.

(see https://humanistlearning.com) for more information on programs you can benefit from.

Strategies for Humanist Living

Discussions about how Humanists can best live our lives.

One of the cool parts about my job is that I have inspired others to ask questions about what it means to live life as a Humanist. In one Humanist Community in OH they started having discussions about this topic and decided to post the results of their discussions online. In a 10 part Strategies for Humanist Living they discuss:

1. How to describe your way of thinking - http://www.hcco.org/node/178
2. How to encourage critical thinking in others - http://www.hcco.org/node/181
3. How to advocate for reasonableness and compassion - http://www.hcco.org/node/182
4. How can you tell if someone is a humanist - http://www.hcco.org/node/185
5. What art and entertainment reflects a Humanist worldview - http://www.hcco.org/node/186
6. What do you say when someone says bless you or have a blessed day? http://www.hcco.org/node/189
7. How to deal with an overtly obnoxious religious person in the workplace - http://www.hcco.org/node/191
8. What comfort does Humanism provide when dealing with rejection - http://www.hcco.org/node/194
9. What should children be taught about religion? http://www.hcco.org/node/197
10. How does having a community of Humanists help? http://www.hcco.org/node/201

What a great exercise in humanist thinking. Do you agree with their answers? If not, why not?

How Humanism can help us become better conversationalists

How empathy, inquiry and a zest for life can help you be become a better conversationalist.

We Humanists tend towards intellectualism. It’s a double edged sword. One the one hand, we know a lot of stuff, and we are opinionated. On the other hand we tend to lecture instead of discuss. If you have ever been lectured to you know it isn’t a conversation.

A conversation implies equal input from the various participants. For that to happen, we have to not monopolize the conversation.  We also have to actively encourage other people to talk.  The good news is that application of Humanist principles can help us achieve a good give and take that is the hallmark of a good conversation.

The Farnham Street blog posted a lovely article listing hints and tips on how to cultivate the art of conversation. http://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2013/08/the-art-of-ordinary-conversation/ Many of these tips speak directly to how a Humanist can become better at conversation.

1) Be genuinely interested in what others have to say. This will help keep you from monopolizing the conversation and it will also endear you to the other participants who most likely would relish an opportunity to share their thoughts.

2) Foster inquiry not debate:  Humanism encourages us to engage in freethought and to challenge our own thinking. Use conversations with others you disagree with as an opportunity to learn what others think and why. This is a conversation, not a debate. Don’t treat it like a competition. Consider it an opportunity to have your own thinking challenged by someone else. And yes, this does require you to respect and have empathy for the other person.

3) Don’t be negative. Don’t refute what the other person is saying. Build upon it. Humanists are skeptics and we love to doubt. But there is a way to introduce doubt without shutting down the idea.  Instead of saying, “no. I don’t believe that.” Or “no, that’s not true.” Why not entertain the possibility that it is true (out of respect) and then introduce a challenging thought or twist or play devil’s advocate. Or even ask questions via the Socratic Method. That way it isn’t you imposing your lecture and knowledge on others. It’s you as an active participant entertaining the ideas of others which, even if you all agree to disagree, the other person will appreciate greatly.

Now, having put forth this list I can honestly say that I fail at this a lot. More than I like. But when I am able to push my normal nervousness aside by focusing on my compassion and interest in the other person, I do much much better.  How about you?

What is Learning?

What is learning and why should you bother to learn stuff?

Most Humanists I know are voracious learners. And by voracious I mean we are interested in everything and in learning all that we can learn. Given that there is a lot to learn it’s a never ending quest.

Not only are Humanists interested in learning, we are also interested in learning how we learn so that we can better learn. Is your head hurting yet?

The reason Humanists engage in all this learning is because by learning, we gain new knowledge. By learning we come to know things. By learning, we come to be able to do new things and acquire new skills. By learning, we come to understand better.

Humans are an interesting creature. We are capable of instinctual behavior, but we are also capable of learning new behaviors. And these new behaviors are really very helpful in the quest for survival and reproduction. In a word, learning is very sexy (in a survival of the fittest sort of way). People who know how to learn have a better chance of survival.

When you think of it, there is no downside to learning. True, it can be difficult at times, but that shouldn’t stop us. Because it turns out that the more you learn, the funner learning becomes.

Why are Humanists lifelong learners? Because Humanism is the applied study of what it means to be a good Human being.  In some ways, Humanism is the best of what we've learned so far and what we continue to learn.

Thank God I’m a Humanist

Why working with a Humanist makes everything easier.

Right now much of my time is being consumed by anti-bullying work. When I wrote my book (http://thebullyvaccine.com) I didn’t quite realize just how desperate people are for good information. I mean, obviously I knew or I wouldn’t have written the book, but I kind of looked at it as a bit of a side project. Something I was morally obligated to do, but it wasn’t my passion.

My passion is teaching people about Humanism. But, as I have done the publicity work for the book I have realized that teaching people about how to handle bullies and other obnoxious people IS teaching them about Humanism. The two go hand in hand.

Anyway, as part of what I am doing to help end bullying, I have become involved in setting up a new non-profit, www.xbullied.com  When I was first in conversation with my cofounder Dr. Tejeda he sent me an email explaining his problem solving process. It made me laugh and got me excited because a) it’s the same process I use as a Humanist and b) the last element of his process was to pray, though he admitted he’s not a religious person and he doesn’t really think it does any good.  His mind maps were also quite impressive.

I told him I was totally on board and that his process was the same as mine because I am a Humanist.  His response? “Thank god you’re a Humanist. It makes everything easier.”

And it really does. Humanists are very practical, strategic and reality based. It’s very exciting to realize someone you are working with is like minded in this way. We don’t want to waste our time on solutions that aren’t proven to work. We want best practices and we are willing to do research to figure out what actually works and what doesn’t. We also can see the big picture and understand that really what has to happen is that we need to stop taking a piece meal approach and start integrating the best solutions so that nothing gets left out and falls through the cracks. Working with a fellow Humanist on problem solving is a joyful engaged and fun and productive process.

For me, I know that I can send this man my ideas and he will understand them in the same way I do and see the possibilities of how it will create strategic change if we can find a way to pull it off.  I also know that ego won’t get in the way of a solution. Our goal is the solution. There is a certain standard of ethical conduct we expect from ourselves and others as well.  We may argue and debate a lot and disagree vehemently, but we are committed to behaving ethically as individuals.  In other words, I know when I start working with a Humanist that I am going to be challenged, that I am going to have to deal with a strong personality, but that at the end of the day, they are going to be as committed to making practical strategic decisions as I am and that the outcome of our work is going to be of high quality.

But the absolute best thing about working with a fellow Humanist is that it means the decision making and problem solving process is going to be rational! And if you’ve ever had to work out problems and come to decisions with people who don’t take a rational approach to problem solving you know what a relief it is to know, disagreement will be rational and not insanely irrational. It is nice to know that discussions will be focused on what works and you won’t have to waste your time with any off topic suggestions or correcting obviously untrue statements of so called “facts.” 

Working with Humanists makes everything easier. It really does. What is your favorite thing about working with and interacting with your fellow Humanists?

Shiny, happy people having fun in a humanist paradise

Why talking to people about Humanism seems so crazy.

AC Grayling, the author of the Humanist Bible has a new book out. This time he takes on religious belief and then explains why Humanism provides a better alternative.  It looks like an interesting book. see link here

This post, though, isn’t about AC Graylings book. It is about a comment made in a review of the book by someone I assume to be a fellow Humanist/atheist. http://www.newstatesman.com/culture/2013/02/reviewed-god-argument-case-against-religion-and-humanism-c-grayling

My favorite quote is that that he thinks AC’s discussion on Humanism “feels almost tract-like in its evocation of shiny, happy people having fun in a humanist paradise.”  This idea of shiny happy people having fun in a Humanist paradise tickles me and it points to a central problem we have in describing Humanism to people.

It seems so pie in the sky.

We are all good people, we can all just get along if we just put our mind to it. It is ultimately a very optimistic philosophy and so full of compassion and do goody-ness that, yeah – telling people about it makes it seem like we are utopian nuts trying to create a humanist paradise.  Except that we aren’t.

We are incredibly practical people and highly effective. When we set our mind to a task, we generally get it done. Because the other side of the Humanist philosophy is personal responsibility and critical thinking and hard work and the embracing of reality. We know that our ideal is unrealistic and isn’t going to happen.  We are committed to working toward that ideal anyway, knowing that we ourselves are going to fall short. We think it is worth it to move society and people along just a little bit further towards a more compassionate and just society.

Why? Because the alternative is to give in to despair and to live our lives in such a way that we have nothing to be proud of and to allow the status quo, which isn’t all that great, to continue.

And you know what, our approach, for all it’s crazy idealism is working. We have reason to be optimistic. In the past 100 years, movement Humanists have created a tremendous amount of social change towards equality and justice and respect and dignity and ecological conservation and sexual freedom and medical care, mental health care and more.

We may not be shiny happy people living in a Humanist paradise yet, but we are making progress and that is more than can be said for people who don’t think anything can be done and so don’t try.

Great Advice for Interpersonal Relationships

Understanding how our own views are biased and distorted can help us improve our relationships to others.

As I’ve gotten more involved in the anti-bullying community, I’ve had the opportunity to meet some amazing people and groups. One group is EyePat out of England. They focus on online or cyberbullying issues.

They sent me a link to their pdf understanding the bully -  http://www.eyepat.org/login/uploaded/Understanding%20the%20Bully%20by%20EyePAT.pdf

I was really impressed with it. It is seriously one of the most excellent things I have read in ages. And I’m reading Eleanor Roosevelt right now so that is saying something.

What I want to talk about here isn’t bullying though. I want to talk about how this information about bullies can actually help you with all your relationships. You see, they aren’t just talking about how bullies think. They are talking about how we all think.

Here is the problem. We all have more information coming in through our senses than we can use. This information is filtered and anything not useful is basically deleted. We then might distort the remaining facts to fit our understanding of the world and our emotional state and beliefs and other things and what is left is our understanding of reality.  Which when you realize how far removed what we think we experience is from what we actually experience, you begin to understand why and how conflicts arise between people.

The distortion and generalization effects are why I keep telling people that when someone behaves poorly – it’s not about you. It’s about them and their experiences and their perceptions and their distortions.  While you can’t do anything about how the other person distorts and reacts, you can do something about how you respond to what you think you are experiencing. Your responsibility is to overcome your own distortions so that you can better choose your actions.

Anyway – as Humanists, part of our mission is to better understand our basic limitations so that we can more effectively work around them and not be limited by them. This is one of those things that it is helpful to understand. It turns out, just realizing that you distort reality to fit your reality filters helps provide just enough distance to think more clearly.  I also really liked their graphics.

Negotiating with a child

How a Humanistic Parent uses negotiation to help their children learn how to think critically and better navigate social interactions.

I realize a lot of parenting experts counsel against negotiating with a child. They say it erodes parental authority. I think they are wrong. I negotiate with my child all the time. Negotiation is an important skill. It helps the child learn to use their words to get what they want and that is so much better than them thinking the only way to get what they want is through a tantrum. It helps them develop verbal skills, reasoning, and compassion.

Here are some basic negotiation techniques to help you get the most out of your child:

Treat negotiation like a game.

Negotiation done well is fun. Sometimes I throw in absurd conditions into the negotiation to see what my son will do with it.

Both sides must be willing to give and take a bit.

This helps your child understand and learn that you will be flexible only if they will. Reciprocity is a good thing for kids to learn.

You can’t always get what you want.

I often allow my son to attempt negotiation even when I know what he is trying to negotiate isn’t something he will succeed at. As he “forces” me to give him good reasons why I won’t give in, he learns quite a lot about my reasoning in the process. And, assuming I have a good reason why not to give in – he deserves to know what those reasons are.

Diminishing returns:

This is a trick I learned from my dad. If you offer a fair deal and your child refuses it – trying to get more, you start negotiating in the other direction, meaning, the deal the child is getting keeps getting worse and worse. For example, if you are negotiating a weekend bedtime and you offer an extra ½ hour and they want an extra hour – you might drop it to 15 minutes and if they keep trying to get their hour – drop to 10 minutes, 5 minutes, regular bedtime, ½ early. The reason to do this is because part of the art of negotiation is knowing when to stop and take the deal you have if it is a good deal. It doesn’t take long for them to understand that the more they protest, the more they are losing and they should take a good deal when it is offered.

Do you negotiate with your child? If so what are some of the techniques you use? 

Finding Clarity

Gain Clarity, Get Committed, and Capture Your Goals With Critical Thinking

Humanists are by and large internally motivated. Our philosophy helps us to prioritize our ethics and find balance between our competing needs, desires and responsibilities. Plus, and this is a big plus, the time we spend on learning how to think well helps us to find clarity.

I say this because a LOT of people think that critical thinking is boring and intellectual. But spending some time learning how to think about how you think is actually the key to gaining clarity and from clarity commitment and motivation to accomplish your goals, whatever they might be. 

So, let’s talk about the process of finding clarity in the context of critical thinking and Humanist ethics and how this will help us to be more successful in life. 

First up: Refection.

What do you want to accomplish and more importantly, why?

If you want to gain clarity of purpose in your life, you need to spend some time considering why you think the things you think and whether what you think is even so. This is the power of critical thinking and the power of why. Asking yourself why helps you properly define the real problem you are trying to solve. This helps bring clarity and puts in you a position to be successful! In a way that focusing on what you want to accomplish won’t.

Next: Visioning.

Now that you are clear on your goal, the next step is to consider what an ideal solution to your problem might be. And again, we have to do something thinking to get this right. If you don’t want your solution to be limited, you need to ask yourself is what if.  What if things were different? What if I could end world hunger? What if there were no limitations put on you. Finding the motivation to take on the world is tough. Spending time thinking about what if possibilities helps you gain the motivation by helping you truly understand what is at stake and what can be gained by your efforts. 

Finally: Strategy.

Once you know what you want to accomplish, why you want to accomplish and what the benefits are to acheiving your goals, the next step is to develop a pragmatic strategy to accomplish it. Pie in the sky ideas are great but they won’t become reality unless you do some hard thinking about what is possible in reality. What steps do you need to take to get there. What will actually work vs. what do you just think will work. And again, critical thinking is key. If your assumptions about what works and what doesn’t is flawed, you aren’t going to succeed.  Critical thinking is key.

Here is a nice exercise, share with me what your goals are and more importantly why you chose that goal.  

Balancing Introversion with Charisma

Why a little bit of introversion may help you better relate to others

I taught a course back in December and one of the students was curious to know how her fellow Humanists taking the course scored on the Myer-Briggs test. I scored as an INTJ (introverted, intuition, thinking and judgment) others were INFP’s (Feeling and perception), what was interesting is we were all, on balance introverted.

Now, obviously, we should take any Myers-Briggs test with a grain of salt. I think the value in it is not in its accuracy, but in how it helps us think about the positive attributes that people who aren’t like us bring to the table.

Regardless, there was a wonderful essay by Ram Bansal about how to be more charismatic. (see: http://pleasures-of-living.blogspot.com/2012/12/improve-upon-your-charisma.html) Ram is a Humanist by the way. One of the things he says is that being about 60% introverted and 40% extroverted helps us to be more charismatic.

Here is his reasoning. Introverts don’t suck up all the air in a room. They make space for other people to be, and this helps other people feel more secure and drawn to the introvert. As Ram Bansal says, introversion “makes the person to have an inclination towards thoughtfulness and intellectualism. His/her quality of extroversion would provide him/her courage to face the world squarely and project him/herself boldly.”

Like everything, this is about getting the balance right. Being too much of an introvert would prevent us from interacting well with others. But being too much of an extrovert means we are too focused on ourselves to truly notice other people. I think the key to getting the balance right is to understand that introversion helps us to be thoughtful of our impact on others. Being thoughtful helps improve our relationships with others because it keeps our competing interests in balance.

While I do believe that a certain amount of introversion and extroversion is nature based, I also believe we can adjust our levels of introversion and extroversion through active nurture (ie: practice). I know that I used to be incredibly shy and am now considered an extrovert by almost everyone, even though I consistently test as an introvert. My mother is the same way and changed how she acts simply by deciding to practice being more extroverted (or at least that is the story she told me as she encouraged me to be more outgoing and courageous).

I know that, for me, I am at my best when I actively think about and choose how out there or introverted I want or should be in any given situation. I find the courage to put myself out there by accepting that I might get the social situation completely wrong and come off as a complete dork. Happens a lot actually. But what keeps me going is that just as often, I get the balance right. I am able to make good friends by being extroverted. I am able to give people the space to be who they are by being more introverted. And I feel good about that.

So, the big question is: am I the only person who has to actively think about how extroverted or introverted I am? Do any of you actively think about how you are going to act? How do you convince yourself to be more extroverted and how do you convince yourself to take a back seat so that others can shine?

To Accept Yet Dissuade

How to balance debate between understanding and disagreement so that learning actually takes place.

Humanists love to debate. It is an opportunity to flex our mind muscles and to learn and think more rigorously. When done right, debate is an opportunity for us to learn and to think different and to perhaps even change our minds.

All too often, debate is used as a tool of anger and frustration. This is especially true when the stakes are high as they are when we debate public policy. Instead of debate, what we get is arguments for and against that are not designed to enlighten but to persuade and win.  This is why so many people choose to demonize people who disagree with them.  It is easier to consider your debate opponent as inhumane than to concede they might have a valid point.

When discussing this difficulty in an online class I recently taught, one of the students, Phillip said the following, “To accept yet dissuade... Delicate politics I yet still learn! While I try to understand all it is sometimes difficult to know how others come to understand or exactly what background led to their beliefs.”

Despite my professed desire as a Humanist to not make assumptions about the motives of other people, I still fail at this at times. There is the ideal about how I should act and the reality of how I do when challenged or frustrated. The question is how we can respond to disagreement in a way that is consistent with our ideals. How can we habitualize rational debate and disagreement without letting our egos get the better of us?

Personal experience and research shows us that understanding and accepting that the person you disagree with has reasons for holding the views they do helps us focus on them as individuals rather than on the points they are trying to make. The benefit to this approach is that it helps us focus on the real problem this person is concerned with as opposed to the superficial issues they are actually debating. When we make it our responsibility to find out what those reasons are, we at least fulfill our obligation to learn from debate even if our opponent does not.

Accepting that you can’t force people to change their minds, allow you to focus on whether or not you are learning from the debate as you should be.

Do you have any stories about a debate or disagreement that changed the tone and nature of the debate simply because you stepped back from your ego? Please share if you do.

Getting rid of nagging thoughts

How critical thinking skills can help you focus and not fret.

Nagging thoughts plague everyone. The problem is that they are rarely productive. They prevent us from thinking about the things we should be. Why? Because our minds aren’t always under our full control.

The way I get rid of nagging thoughts and anxiety is to address them. What am I afraid of? What can I do to avoid that? As soon as I have a plan to deal with the possible negative consequences, my brain relaxes and allows me to move forward with what I was supposed to be doing. This works every time and it’s very easy to do.   I have another blog post on why Proper Planning is Not Pessimistic, if you want to learn more (http://humanisthappiness.blogspot.com/2012/08/proper-planning-is-not-pessimistic.html)

Interestingly enough, the skill of questioning yourself and your motives is an essential aspect of critical thinking and freethought. Humanists practice them because they help us solve our problems, even if our problems exist only in our imaginations.

This rational approach to dealing with managing anxiety and worry only works if you have otherwise normal brain functions. If you are suffering from OCD, this won’t work.  OCD has a very strong genetic component and it is considered a disorder. Meaning people suffering from it aren’t able to control it without assistance from a professional. If you have OCD or suspect you might, talk to your doctor and seek professional help. You will be glad you did. Admitting your problem is beyond your ability to control is actually a relief as it puts you in a position to finally get your problem under control.

For everyone else – practice critical thinking. It really does help manage anxiety and worry rather well.

I’m curious to know what other people do to manage their nagging thoughts. Do you have a system that works well for you? If you do, please please share!