Questions about Dealing with Bullies in the Workplace.

 Participants in my online courses ask great questions.  Here are a couple from my stop bullying in the workplace program and my answers to them. They are about false reports and how to effectively document bullying. 

PS if you want to take one of these courses - here is the link: https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Question 1: What do you do with a false harassment report?

When a report is false – it tells you something valuable. Which is that – someone just made a false report.    

There are a few reasons why this could be.

1. They lied.

2. They told the truth – but you just don’t know it yet

3. Something between the truth and non-truth is going on.

I would start watching and paying a bit more attention to this employee.  Give them the benefit of the doubt, and see if there are other things going on.  But it’s honestly not unheard of for bullies to make false reports against their targets.  So – treat it as valuable information and monitor.

Just so you know though – I have a colleague who runs a reporting system for a school district. He told me that out of 2 million reports they received – only 2 were false.   It does happen though.

Your goal – to know what the truth is. So – just keep focusing on that.

Question 2: How do you document bullying behavior?

Hi – I have a sample bullying documentation log at: https://bullyvaccineproject.com/courses/downloads/ free to download.

Date – when/where – who  - what exactly happened – who witnessed. – who you reported it to and any documentation available to back it up.

These are mostly for your records – but can be shared with people in authority. Bullying is a pattern of behavior – so it’s important to – document that pattern.

The reporting process in most business aren’t designed to capture patterns of behavior though. They are designed for 1 off situations.  That is a challenge for someone trying to prove bullying.

A log that shows the pattern is what helps people understand – this isn’t just a single incident – it’s a pattern.

Free Bullying Resources for Your Family

I offer free bullying resources in English and Spanish. Where I teach how to stop bullying using behavioral science. The book has been translated into Spanish, Italians and Portuguese  https://bullyvaccineproject.com/ and https://humanistlearning.com/books-bully-vaccine-translations/

Mastering Humanistic Conflict Management: A Path to Ethical and Compassionate Resolution

In today's fast-paced and interconnected world, conflicts are inevitable. Whether they arise in the workplace, within communities, or even in our personal lives, how we manage and resolve them speaks volumes about our character and professionalism. Enter the realm of Humanistic Conflict Management – an empowering journey that equips you with the tools to navigate conflicts with grace, empathy, and effectiveness.

My 8-hour certificate program is designed to revolutionize the way you approach conflict resolution. Gone are the days of simply reacting to conflicts; instead, we empower you to proactively address them with a blend of empathy and professionalism.

One of the cornerstones of our program is the integration of behavioral science principles into conflict resolution strategies. By understanding the underlying psychological dynamics at play, you'll gain invaluable insights into human behavior, allowing you to navigate conflicts with finesse and precision. More importantly, you'll learn how to regulate your own emotional responses, a critical skill in de-escalating tense situations and fostering constructive dialogue.

But what happens when the problem isn't conflict - but bullying and harassment? Our program doesn't shy away from the tough questions. We provide you with actionable strategies to address such challenging scenarios ethically and effectively. By learning behavioral science, you'll be equipped to tackle even the most daunting conflicts or bullying situations with integrity and compassion.

Central to Humanistic Conflict Management is the art of turning conflicts into opportunities for collaboration. Here, the Socratic method emerges as a powerful tool. By asking probing questions and encouraging dialogue, you'll learn how to dismantle barriers, build bridges, and foster mutual understanding. Conflict ceases to be a battlefield; instead, it becomes a fertile ground for innovation and growth.

Join us on this transformative journey and unlock the power of Humanistic Conflict Management. Whether you're a seasoned professional seeking to enhance your skills or an aspiring leader looking to make a positive impact, this program is your roadmap to a more harmonious and productive future.

Embrace conflict not as a threat, but as an opportunity for growth and connection. Enroll in our Humanistic Conflict Management program today and embark on a journey towards a brighter, more compassionate tomorrow.

https://humanistlearning.com/conflict-management-discount-bundle/

This course offers HRCI & SHRM credits through our learning partner Learn Formula. https://hr-credits-us.learnformula.com/course/humanistic-conflict-management-certificate-program

CPE Continuing education: 

 It also meets the standards of: PMI (Project Management Institute), CMA (Canadian Marketing Association), DMI (Digital Marketing Institute)

Stopping Bullying - Using Science and Psychology Today Essential Topic.

 In case you were not aware, I spend a lot of my time teaching people how to stop bullying using behavioral science.  And yes, it works. Actually, it's the only thing that does work. Science is like that. 

Anyway, I recently had the honor to speak at the World Anti-Bullying Forum. Which is a big deal. Here is my talk. It's 15 mins long and I cover the science and it's applicability to the problem of bullying. 

Psychology Today - Essential Topic

As a result of the conference, I ended up meeting a few people, which was hard to do as it was a virtual conference due to Covid surging pretty much everywhere.  One of the people who reached out was Izzy Kalman is a Nationally Certified School Psychologist who has been working in schools and private practice since 1978. You can find more about him at his website: https://bullies2buddies.com/

He ended up interviewing me for his blog over at Psychology Today. Psychology Today liked the article so much - they made listed it as an  "Essential Topic."  You can read the interview here. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resilience-bullying/202201/dolphin-trainer-humanistic-bullying-expert

Learn More

My materials on this are available at: https://bullyvaccineproject.com/

Also, I have a lot of professional & personal development training that integrates this science and also offer sexual harassment training that - in addition to training about the law - educates people on how to use science to make unwanted behavior stop. 

https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Narcissism in the workplace

 Obviously narcissism is one of the dark triad personality traits. If you come across one, this is not fixable and should be removed from the office or isolated so they cannot do any harm.

The problem is, unless you are a psychologist and specifically their psychologist, you cannot diagnose them yourself. Which means, you should NOT assume that they are narcissist, even if they are exhibiting what appears to be narcissistic tendencies.

What should you do to a) protect yourself and b) expose them? 

I teach how to stop unwanted behavior like bullying and harassment using behavioral science techniques known as operant conditioning that I learned while training dolphins. Specifically, how to stop unwanted behavior using a technique that is called “extinguishing a behavior.”

I have dealt with psychopaths and other problematic personality types in the workplace successfully. The approach is not to expose them,  but to allow them to expose themselves.  I do this using excessive CYA documentation (cover you’re a$$).   Whenever I interact with them, I do so pleasantly and with the expectation that everything is above the board legit. Then I follow up and document absolutely every conversation. 

If I agree to do some work for them, I follow up with an email to ensure I understood the parameters of the work properly. Did they promise to get me some supplies I need, I email them to verify that we agreed to that. Everything, gets a documentation email. AND I cc either my boss of theirs or both depending on the situation.  

They are predictable

The great thing about dark triad personalities is they are EXTREMELY predictable. Don’t ever assume they won’t try to harm you. They will. So prepare for that and work around that. The simplest easiest way is to send well intentioned confirmation emails on every little thing.

If the person is not a narcissist, but has some other issue that you weren’t aware of, these emails with them being cc’d will probably straighten them up. Hopefully it will. And hopefully the person isn’t actually a narcissist.

But if they ARE a narcissist, they will get mad and escalate if you do this. That’s ok. That’s predicted to occur. Their illness makes them creatures of habit. They use confusion and hearsay to hide what they are doing and revel in the confusion and angst it causes others. When you document everything and confirm everything what you are doing is working to create clarity. In good faith. This clarity will remove their ability to hide and sow doubt and confusion. Basically, they will experience your work to create clarity as a loss of control. This will cause them to escalate and they will not be able to help themselves. Again, this is a disease, and they are not in control of it. 

As they escalate, their actions will become more overt and they will hide less and they will expose themselves. This is why you should cc your boss and their boss. And if they are your boss, definitely loop in their boss.  NEVER have a private conversation with them and ALWAYS document and make sure the upper level managers know what’s going on.  This will allow them to see that you are working hard to create clarity and help them see that the other person is the problem. 

The role of managers

At first, the managers will be a bit frustrated as they don’t like being brought in for what they think are interpersonal problems. But most managers are also aware that if they are being ccd in on something, it’s because something is wrong with the dynamic and they should pay attention and they will. They may be silent as they sit and watch, but they will.

As the narcissist becomes more overt as their ability to control the dynamic and cause confusion etc are removed, they will continue to escalate until they do something really inappropriate.  It is usually at this point that the managers start to intervene.

Your only job throughout this is to do a good job. Trying to create clarity in a confusing situation is doing a good job. Don’t lash out – ever. Don’t every accuse them of anything (unless they break a law or harass or discriminate, which is breaking a law). Just be professional and do your best to do a good job. If you do this, people will recognize it and the narcissist will expose themselves.  All you did was give them every opportunity to work professionally and collaboratively. If they don’t or in the case of a narcissist can’t work professionally and collaboratively, they will prove that through their actions.

This works most of the time.  Not every time, but most of the time. 

Learn more:

I have a course on how to prevent passive aggressive people from wreaking havoc in the workplace where I go into detail on this technique and provide real life examples of what this looks like.  If you are dealing with a suspected dark triad personality in the workplace, consider taking this course. 

More details and registration information at: https://humanistlearning.com/passiveaggressivepeople/ 

Diversity v. Inclusion - what's the difference?

Just because you have diversity - doesn't mean you have inclusion.  

Diversity means you have variety.  In the workplace - you could have a variety of people of different genders. You could have a variety of people from different ages. You could have a variety of people from different income groups. You could have a variety of people with different skin tones. A variety of people from different religions.  Think of diversity - as variety.

There is a reasons companies like to recruit in diverse people. And it's not just that they don't want to get sued for discrimination. It's also because that diversity is great for critical thinking and decision making.  

You  don't know what you don't know. Diversity gives you a better chance at uncovering the things you don't know so that you can plan for them and adjust your strategies so they are more likely to be successful.

In order for diversity to benefit your organization though - it's not enough to have diversity - you must also have inclusion.

What good is having a math wiz - if you never ask them to do math for you?  What good is it to have a epidemiologist during a pandemic - if you don't take their advice?  What good is it to plan for education during a pandemic if you don't include teachers in the planning discussions? Not good at all.

In order to benefit from diversity - you have to make sure people with diverse knowledge and experience - are included in decision making process. Otherwise, you are making decisions in the dark and that's exactly what were trying to avoid by recruiting in diverse people.

So - how to ensure people that are diverse create positive collaborative work groups where everyone is included and everyone can contribute equally?  That is literally - the billion dollar question that seems to defy solution.

It turns out we humans are really tribal. We don't trust others and if we don't trust - we don't collaborate.  Also - some people have learned that - they can get their way if they just - exclude those pesky others who have different ideas.  

In order to create a culture of inclusion- you have to simultaneous build up trust and get rid of the people who dominate through bullying and other obnoxious behavior.  This is why my book - The Bully Vaccine - is subtitled: How to inoculate yourself against bullies and other petty people.  https://humanistlearning.com/the-bully-vaccine-book/ 

Recruiting in diversity is actually fairly easy once you decide to do it. The harder part is how to make sure those diverse people are nurtured and included so that they can be their best and contribute to the organization - instead of being marginalized by your other employees.

To help you with that - I offer a variety of training programs that teach you and your staff - how to stop bullying using behavioral science and how to manage humanistically - so that you can finally - have that inclusive supportive organization you always dreamed of.  Details at: https://humanistlearning.com/programsoffered/

Let's abandon the term - Micro-Aggression.

There is no such thing as a micro-aggression.

You may accidentally be unaware of the history of oppression of people, so you don’t know how terms are used to denigrate and oppress people.

But let’s be real. Most people who use terms to denigrate and dehumanize people and marginalize people – know exactly what they are doing when they use those terms.  They are just trying to rationalize why denigrating, dehumanizing and marginalizing someone – isn’t a bad thing or that good people should side with them because “they could be next” duh duh duh – play scary music here.

Bullying/harassment is a pattern of behavior. If someone is repeatedly engaging in “micro-aggression,” they are doing it – intentionally so that they have plausible deniability about what they are doing and what they are doing is bullying/harassing people – and there is nothing “micro” about it.

I think one of the things that exacerbates this is that if we say – someone is engaging in harassment (whether sexual, racial or whatever based harassment) we ask for an example. ONE example. Out of the pattern of behavior – we want to see the one incident that will explain what’s happening. And the one thing out of context – may not seem like a big deal – unless you see the pattern of behavior and can put it into context.

For Example

I once had a young girl take my online bullying course https://bullyvaccineproject.com/toolkitoverview/ . When she finally got the courage to document what was happening to her – she listed over 40 instances in one day. Little things throughout the day – like him kicking her chair, or saying something. Her list – included death threats by the way.

Now – if you had gone to the teacher – and she did – and said – this kid is kicking my chair – the teacher would say – tell him to stop. Which the girl would do and it would not stop. It would probably get worse.

We need to understand that when someone tells us about something that seems like a micro-aggression – and it’s upset them – that it isn’t a “micro-aggression” – it’s part of a pattern of harassment that needs to stop and there isn't anything micro about it.

Because seriously – almost everyone is capable of dealing with 1 off micro-aggressions. When we reach out for help – it’s because we are dealing with a long term pattern of behavior that may be manifesting as hundreds of little annoying things – that are done- for no other reason than to annoy the target.

So let’s abandon the term “micro-aggression” and call it what it is – an incident in a pattern of behavior that needs to stop!

Learn more:

I have a wide variety of online programs over at: https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

You can also view several of the programs free at amazon prime: https://amzn.to/2RixU3p

Social Entrepreneur combating bullying and harassment

My goal – is to stop bullying.  I teach how to train a bully to stop using behavioral techniques known as operant conditioning. Basically – the science of how you train someone to leave you alone.  I have a website dedicated to this topic and the sharing of this information:

 https://bullyvaccineproject.com/

I founded an online learning company – called Humanist Learning Systems to help promote this social agenda. https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Regarding why I started Humanist Learning Systems.  Here is the problem. To stop bullying, I need to teach parents – how to more effectively help their kids – by teaching the parents the science – so that they can support their kids through a bullying situation and help the child stop it successfully. 

  

I have 3 inter-related problems.

1) I am only 1 person. And I can’t possibly teach every parent in the country what I know – individually. I have to scale up to accomplish this.

2) Parents don’t know I can help them and so don’t know to look for me. This is both an advertising problem but also an awareness problem. Most people don’t know there is actually a science-based approach that can help them – so they don’t even know to look for the right kind of help. 

3) In order to dedicate myself to this project I have to get paid. This is a full time job of a project and I can’t dedicate myself to it unless I have the money to support myself. So I do have to get paid to do this work.

The opportunity:

I want to teach parents how to teach their kids to stop bullies.  Where are the parents? In the workplace. Being subjected to harassment training every 2 years that doesn’t actually teach them anything useful. Every 2 years, most adults in the country are taught – harassment is against the law. Don’t do it. But what if … this training taught them – if it happens to you – here is how you get it to stop. Using science.  If I could tweak the existing harassment training programs to include this important information – I could reach the very parents I want to reach on the scale I want.

The business:

Provide sexual harassment training – that includes the behavioral science information that people need and want. By doing so – I am not just getting paid to do a training. I am also providing parents with the information they need to help their kids.

 What has grown out of this is that I also provide training to entrepreneurs and individuals on how to deal with unwanted behavior like passive aggression, cranky customers and more.  All information adults want – but that also provides the information they need as parents to help their kids.

Hire me:

To take one of my courses or hire me to help your staff - check out the courses I offer at: 

 https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Psychological Safety and Team Dynamics

Last February - I was in India - discussing why bullying/harassment is bad for decision making and therefore bad for business.  Turns out I am not the only one looking into this connection.

Google has been studying what makes for effective teams. This is what they found.
https://amp.businessinsider.com/google-spent-years-studying-effective-teams-this-is-what-they-found-2018-1

For those of you who don't want to click through and read the article - the answer is psychological safety. The best performing teams are teams where members feel safe. This in turn means they feel safe to share their thoughts - and advocate for what they think will be a more effective solution. 

No safety - no real discussion. No real discussion - the solution chosen is based on who is dominant, not who is right.

This is exactly what I was discussing in India and the case I keep making for adopting humanistic management.

If people are socially excluded – decision making suffers.   Psychological safety is another way of saying -  making sure everyone is included.  Exclusion of one person leads to stress to the others who fear – I may be next.  It has a dampening effect on dissent and makes rational dissent very difficult – and again – that’s bad for problem solving.

The challenge – how to create that?

We can hire people for compatible traits – conscientiousness, openness etc. We can also work to help protect those who are excluded.  the good news is that we can also use science.  Science can teach us how to get rid of unwanted behaviors and how to encourage the ones you do.

If you have bad outcomes despite good intentions, it's probably because your organization has perverse incentives - meaning you are accidentally rewarding the behavior you don't want and punishing the behavior you do.  It happens all the time.  The solution is often to flip things upside down and really consider how your rewards and responses are being used and to consciously change the dynamic by changing what you reward.

I have several courses and training programs that will help you do that over at. https://humanistlearning.com/

Books You Can Read in One Setting

I have a whole series of short short how to books that can be read in an hour or so.  They mostly focus on how to use behavioral science to stop bullying and interpersonal problems. 

They are all about 25 pages in length or about 7,000 words and come in paperback, ebook and audiobook form. I have:

How to Win Arguments Without Arguing: Socratic Jujitsu: https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Arguments-Without-Arguing-ebook/dp/B076PQ699R/

Ending Harassment & Retaliation in the Workplace: https://www.amazon.com/Harassment-Retaliation-Workplace-Jennifer-Hancock/dp/1987765761/

Why Bullies Bully and How to Stop Them: https://www.amazon.com/Bullies-Bully-Stop-Using-Science/dp/1984008803/

How to Talk to Your Child’s School about Bullying so they will actually listen and help: https://www.amazon.com/childs-school-bullying-actually-listen-ebook/dp/B01EXRTSOY

How to De-Escalate Conflicts Using Behavioral Science: https://www.amazon.com/Escalate-Conflicts-Using-Behavioral-Science-ebook/dp/B07CKN2YNJ/

Why Conflicts Management Doesn’t’ Work When the Problem is Bullying: https://www.amazon.com/Conflict-Management-Doesn-Problem-Bullying/dp/1719409145/

Reality Based Decision Making for Effective Strategy Development: https://www.amazon.com/Reality-Decision-Effective-Strategy-Development-ebook/dp/B079NC236V/

The above books are companion books to my online courses.  If you would prefer the video - check them out here: https://humanistlearning.com/programsoffered/

Video Lessons

I make videos about Humanism.  Lots of them actually.  Check out these topics. 

Don’t lose sight of your values when making your goals: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_djCmfecfvM

Don’t take it personally: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgedZn7fnL8

Dealing with cranky people compassionately: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaJp1BiXq_A

Focus Your Thinking by Thinking Outside the box: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzxfGqW1_ew

A science based approach to bullying/harassment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNmapUBQpeY

The most important part of decision making: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FRnxa6zIzk

Ethics based on verifiable consequences: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7f12m3WRTg&t=96s

Treating other people fairly: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjNSObQgtT8

Living Ethically: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0zjFc4icFc

Humanism is to be humane: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5dvbuoiufg

It’s Not About You: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9IIYhDyl4U&list=UUn143e8On1tq6pMrULRb9vw&index=25

Stopping Bullying: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbswHnl_zB4&list=UUn143e8On1tq6pMrULRb9vw&index=30

When is it ok to give up? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rh-KVHB_Ak&index=38&list=UUn143e8On1tq6pMrULRb9vw

Balance: Everything Requires it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7d1DEislcsg&index=31&list=UUn143e8On1tq6pMrULRb9vw

The Value of the Socratic Method: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1d7Zq9fdhY&list=UUn143e8On1tq6pMrULRb9vw&index=33

Ethics in the Workplace: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKQUTJBflAw&index=35&list=UUn143e8On1tq6pMrULRb9vw

How to deal with an unethical coworker: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ww0qMpHYJk&index=43&list=UUn143e8On1tq6pMrULRb9vw

What makes a speak up or whistle blowing program effective?

According to Wim Vandekerckhove Principal Lecturer in Organisational Behaviour at the University of Greenwich, the key – is perceived responsiveness. Where people feel like their action made a difference. In behavioral terms – that means – it was positively reinforced. He says that companies should really think about ways they can be responsive without violating legal parameters.

There is a 10 minute interview with him on his research below. Looking at speak up programs – they know what doesn’t work – he looked at what does – and it’s consistent with what I teach in my programs.



He recommends multiple channels through which to speak up – with specific emphasis on casual channels – where you don’t report – but where employees can ask questions about whether something is ethical or not in a confidential way.  What he calls integrity questions. Where people can ask questions, and get counseling on how to proceed without actually reporting someone.   Because the feedback is immediate and usually helpful – people feel like action was taken, they were taken seriously and it reinforces and builds trust – the concern doesn’t go into a black hole where – nothing happens.  One company publishes the Q&A for other employees.  There are no legal restrictions on what you can talk about.

This “reporting without reporting” can also help identify patterns of concern for the organization. This is important because – the unwanted behavior – is often a pattern of behavior and seeing those patterns is crucial to helping stop it.

Always nice when the research in one area validates the findings in another. In this case – what he found was that speak up processes and mechanisms that positively reinforce people for speaking out – works.  Which is exactly what the behavioral science approach predicts. And it's exactly what I teach you should be doing in my online courses on how to stop bullying & harassment in the workplace

Learn more about taking a behavioral approach to the problem of bullying & harassment - here: https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Hire More Women

The solution to sexual harassment problems is simple. Hire More Women.  NO seriously - that's the solution.

Don't believe me? Here is what Harvard Business Review has to say about all our efforts to date - and why sexual harassment training doesn't work, but hiring and promoting more women does: https://hbr.org/2017/11/training-programs-and-reporting-systems-wont-end-sexual-harassment-promoting-more-women-will

To help drive home the point - here is a song.

There are many reasons why women aren't represented in the numbers they should be in companies - but one of them is that they are harassed out of the company and leave. Yes - that is what the Harvard research shows.

If you want more women - and you totally do since many different reports show that companies with women in position of power perform better than male only management teams - then you need to protect the women in your workplace so that they a) stay and b) rise the ranks to management.

PS - here are some links to the research on companies with women in management:

• http://gap.hks.harvard.edu/impact-gender-diversity-performance-business-teams-evidence-field-experiment
• http://www.catalyst.org/media/companies-more-women-board-directors-experience-higher-financial-performance-according-latest
• https://www.theguardian.com/business/2015/sep/29/companies-with-women-on-the-board-perform-better-report-finds

But really - the best thing you can do - is when you find a guy who has been harassing people - fire him and replace him with a woman. Corporate culture is determined by the last person promoted. So stop promoting harassers and start promoting women who have the courage to speak up. 

Economic theory applied to the problem of harassment

I was recently in New Delhi for a Happy Workplace Conclave #HyWe2018 – organized by my new friend Mukund Trivedy.  One of the speakers, Adam Cox, a strategist who sits on several executive boards, said that corporate culture is set by the last person promoted. He’s right and that has a direct impact on why harassment is still a problem despite everyone for years knowing that it’s a problem.
So how do we fix it?  By applying science. While I focus on teaching how to use behavioral science to fix the problem, economic theories can also help. 

Here is an article that does just that – it claims that the next Harvey Weinstein can be stopped using the theories of Nobel Prize Winning Economist Richard Thaler.

https://work.qz.com/1098756/the-next-harvey-weinstein-could-be-stopped-by-the-theories-of-nobel-prize-winning-economist-richard-thaler/

 The article is worth reading, but it comes down to how we encourage behavior we want and discourage behavior we don’t want. Which brings us back to my specialty – behavioral science.  Basically – you reward the behavior you want. Provide nudges and reminders of the behavior you want. Reminders about the expected behaviors you want etc etc etc.

The article rightly points out that since 75% of women report being harassed, instead of thinking it doesn’t happen and designing your processes for one off complaints. Expect it to happen and build stopping it from happening and reporting it when it does – into your processes.
But even that won’t be enough.  From the article.

“Ultimately, no reporting mechanism works unless the organization takes action when incidents are reported. One of the dispiriting lessons of Fox News—where O’Reilly and Ailes allegedly harassed women for years—is that the patterns of abuse were widely known by employees who had no faith the company would act. Organizations send messages about the behavior they value by who they choose to promote, and who they let go, says Amy Wrzesniewski, an organizational-behavior professor at the Yale School of Management.”

Which brings me back to Adam Cox – the culture is set by the last person promoted.
If there is a behavior happening in the workplace – it’s there because it’s being rewarded. If you don’t like the behavior – you need to understand that – it’s being rewarded somehow and if you want to fix it – you need to change your rewards and incentives so that you reward the behavior you want – like reporting. And create disincentives to the behavior you don’t want - like harassment. 

Don’t assume your incentives are working the way you want them to.  Perverse incentives come from well-intention-ed people.  If you aren’t getting the results you want – there is a problem with your incentives. Period.

To learn more – take my comprehensive program – Workplace Bullying for HR professionals (or for lawyers).

Reporting Harassment

Part of the process to get unwanted behaviors like harassment to stop requires reporting. What do women need to do to properly report harassment in the workplace?

1. What steps can a women take to prove sexual harassment at work? 

The number 1 thing is to document all interactions that are inappropriate.

Date, time, location, any witnesses, any proof and a very specific description of what happened exactly. Not – I was harassed, but on this date at this time in this location he said this and put his hand on my shoulder. Don’t talk about how it made you feel – just what can be validated.

Harassment is a pattern of behavior so what you are trying to prove is a pattern of behavior. Don’t omit anything. Small snide remarks, go into the pattern. They aren’t worth mentioning on their own – but in the context of a pattern of behavior – they become important.

2) What steps should they take if they want to report it? 

Once you have documentation in place, you take a good look at the power structure. Are there any allies you can recruit higher up than the person harassing you?  Get the lined up. Report according to the proper channels. It is important to realize that this – won’t stop the harassment. You do this to set up the conditions to seek monetary damages if the employer fails to protect you.  You give them the opportunity to protect you – use the system they set up. Only after that fails, can you sue.

If your main goal is to get the harassment to stop, you need to retrain the harasser to make them stop. You can use reporting and documentation to do that – but that is separate and apart from the reporting process itself. Again – you have to view this as you helping your employer so that they can put pressure on the harasser to stop. But don’t be surprised if this fails or results in escalation of behavior or retaliation. The behavioral extinction process will play out and that means – there will be an escalation of behavior as that is predicted to occur. There are ways to plan and manage this and reporting is part of that – but not the only part.

3) What if it is a he said/she said situation? 

Document anyway. Every interaction. Make sure your response to these interactions deny the abuser their reward and report – every single incident. Once you start reporting – you have to report everything. Consistently. Over time. This is the only way to make it stop. Also, this will help the company understand just how prevalent something is. What you are doing is triggering the extinction process by denying the reward. You keep denying and reporting and the abuser escalates. You keep denying them the reward and eventually – they either stop or they blow out – spectacularly. Your goal as the victim is to get that to happen as quickly as possible so – relentless consistency in denial of reward and reporting to increase cost of behavior.  What normally happens is that as the abuser’s behavior worsens, it becomes easier for everyone else to see it more clearly. You just have to remain calm and professional and allow them to blow out.

4) Why do women, even high-ranking execs, tend not to report harassment

Because most of the stuff we encounter is not actually physically threatening we just deal with it. If we raised a fuss at every single thing that happened, we would be doing nothing but that. It’s only really worth it if the behavior is aggressive and dangerous. And even then – it’s easier to extract ourselves then to fight. But we need to because – abusers always have other victims and if we aren’t going to do this for ourselves, we need to do it so that there isn’t a next victim.

If you want to learn more about how to end harassment & retaliation in the workplace - take my online course or streaming video.

https://humanistlearning.com/retaliation1/

What can restaurants do to better protect workers from harassment?

I teach how to stop harassment using behavioral psychology. We all know what the solutions are. Better reporting processes and responses. But what does that mean?

The way to stop harassment is to consistently deny the harasser their reward. This is problematic because most managers have never been taught how to do this. They assume things are personal problems instead of criminal problems. Because let’s be clear – harassment is a criminal matter!

 3 things need to happen.

1) Managers need to be trained on how to stop harassment situations so they can intervene more effectively.
2) HR needs to create reporting processes and investigation processes that are consistently applied because the random nature of how these things happen benefits the harasser.
3) There need to be real immediate consequences to anyone found guilty.

Harassers never have just one victim. These things aren’t personal, it’s a pattern of behavior. HR and managers tasked with dealing with this need to stop thinking of these things as occurring in isolation and if they find someone who has behaved badly – get rid of them.

To learn more – take one of my many courses on how to use behavioral science to stop harassment in the workplace.

https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Imagine if we treated sexual assault like we treated embezzling.

In light of the recent revelations about Harvey Weinstein and other powerful men assaulting employees and potential employees, Anita Hill wrote a very interesting essay on the subject making the case that our indifference to this crime, just because it’s sexual in nature is doing more harm than good.

Anita Hill’s essay is called Women face creeps like Harvey Weinstein everywhere was published by the NY Daily News:http://www.nydailynews.com/opinion/women-face-pigs-harvey-weinstein-anita-hill-article-1.3563555 

My favorite quote from the essay is this one.

"Companies founded and led by powerful men often effectively put chronic sexual harassment by men in a separate basket, as though it was a “personal problem” rather than a serious business one. Imagine decades of rumors that Weinstein was an embezzler. Would his boards have shown the same level of disinterest and inattention? When does indifference amount to enabling? The question answers itself and the catastrophic results of the board’s flawed thinking speak for themselves."

I have 4 points I want to make on this.

1. People who abuse other people don’t just abuse one person. This is never just an interpersonal matter. It’s usually serial. Multiple victims. If you give them a pass, you are allowing them to harm other people and that makes you complicit.
2. This doesn’t just happen to women. I know men who were raped. There are men in Hollywood speaking out against the abuses they experienced, some as children! 
3. Assault is assault is assault. It’s a crime. Treat it as seriously as you would any other crime reported to you. And yes, harassment is a crime too. Every state in the country has laws against harassment. Criminal laws against harassment. Don’t just assume you only have to do something if the victim qualifies under to special categories. Everyone in your workplace has a right to not be harassed.
4. The lessons we learn from the Harvey Weinstein scandal can and must be applied more broadly throughout American society.

If you were never taught how to make this stop and how to deal effectively with these problems or you are dealing with it now, take one of my courses on how to apply behavioral science to the problem of bullying.

https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Dealing with Racist Rhetoric in a Business Setting

I come at this both from a behavioral perspective (as someone who teaches people how to stop harassment and discrimination using behavioral science) and as someone who has dealt with this.  I also come at this as Los Angelino living in Florida now and this colors my views.

First – personal experience.

I used to work in international franchise sales. My boss was a boorish oaf (he would rub himself in front of me – not joking). We had clients in from Singapore. Nice guys. They were both planning to do vacations after our visit and were asking for advice. One was going to New Orleans. My boss – told him – you need to be careful – there are black people there and he held his hand like a gun.  The guy from Singapore had ZERO idea on why he should be concerned about black people in New Orleans and why that was an issue. He was extremely confused and did not know what my boss was implying. He looked to me for guidance.  I told him – New Orleans has a lot of poverty and a lot of guns and while it’s a very fun safe city, you do have to be aware of your surroundings at times.  He nodded and understood.

  After our guests left, I went into my boss’ office – fists clenched because of how furious and upset I was and I told him he was NEVER to say such racist things in front of me ever again!! Ever.  My position was eliminated 2 weeks later and I was let go. My boss was let go 4 months later when he could no longer blame me for his bad performance.  I did the right thing even though it cost me my job. 

 He wasn’t alone in holding these racist views. My secretary there – told me she didn’t like black people because they would poop in the sinks of her father’s night club and she thought they were animals.  (Those were the words she used).  I told her that her views weren’t accurate and that black people are humans and the majority of them would be horrified at the idea of pooping in someone’s sink! I didn’t let her comments go unchallenged.

  This was the start of my education on just how blatantly racist southerners really were. I grew up in  Los Angeles. Not only were my classmates multi-colored growing up, I only had one job where the staff was majority white.  No one would ever say anything remotely like this because everyone, except people who isolate themselves in certain enclaves, has friends of every color. The racism in Florida was shocking to me when I arrived It’s gotten better, but it’s still pretty shocking.

Now for the behavior side of this:

Racism is a learned behavior. It can be unlearned. The process for unlearning something like this is not easy. It’s best if people have positive personal experiences with people of color – but given the high level of segregation in places in the south – that isn’t likely to happen. 

  It is critically important that white people who don’t like racism speak out against it when it is voiced every time it is voiced.

 Here is why.  Behavior happens when it is rewarded. To get it to stop, you have to stop rewarding it.  Racism is rewarded socially.  It’s a way of bonding. Failure to bond is failure to get reward.  You don’t have to be mean about it – but calling it out as inappropriate is necessary. Every time. People like my boss and my secretary would have never considered themselves racist even though they clearly said and thought horrendously bigoted things and clearly felt fully justified in those views and that it would be safe to voice those views in front of me because I am white too.

Challenging those views – politely – introduces doubt – not everyone agrees. Some will argue. My secretary thought I was naïve and unexperienced with black people and so I just didn’t know the truth.  It doesn’t matter how these situations turn out, the important part is to introduce doubt. Start the process of them rethinking whether what they think they know is actually so.

 The other reason we have to speak out is because of bystanders.  People who are listening who aren’t racist need to know those views aren’t ok and that it’s ok to challenge them.  They can only learn that if someone says – hey – that’s not ok. People of color are human too – stop being an idiot.  This isn’t done to change the beliefs of the racists. It is done to create a new social norm where these ideas are no longer “accepted wisdom.”

If you are a manager and have to deal with this stuff, I recommend taking one of my courses on harassment. They are based in behavioral science and will help you understand the process and how to facilitate it.  And yes, some people may have to be fired.

 If you are an employee and dealing with this stuff – again – I recommend you take my course. I teach a science based approach and can help you navigate these things, without losing your job or at least of setting yourself up to have the best chance of success.   Science really does help.

https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

How harassment impacts decision making

Making decisions without good information rarely turns out well.

Harassment is a form of bullying. It is done to hoard power and to withhold power from others. It’s about creating in groups and out groups. People whose opinions matter and people whose opinions don’t matter. Whenever we decide some people’s opinions don’t matter we negatively impact decision making.

Lets talk specifically about how sexual harassment impacts decision making.

There was a study recently published about how often the female justices of the US Supreme Court are interrupted. Turns out, it’s a lot. Including by people who are prohibited from doing so, but whom the head justice allows to do it.  These interruptions are often because there is a disagreement on something and the males interrupting the women simply don’t want the woman’s opinion or line of questioning to be heard. https://hbr.org/2017/04/female-supreme-court-justices-are-interrupted-more-by-male-justices-and-advocates

The impact of all this interrupting is that diverse viewpoint are less likely to be heard, which is the point of the harassment. It silences opposition or perceived opposition.

The same impact occurs with other forms of harassment. Harassment is done to put someone off balance and to denigrate and dehumanize them and basically label them as others, so that the people watching, are less likely to side with or even listen to this person.  It doesn’t matter if what is happening is a snide comment, or passively aggressively “forgetting” to invite someone to a meeting on which they have knowledge that would be helpful to the group.  Harassment sidelines them so that their voices aren’t heard and this impacts the quality of the decisions being made.

Ideally, when you are in a group making a decision, you want to weigh the pros against the cons and come to a rational decision about the best course of action. But what happens if you are never given the cons. Or you aren’t told what the pros are?   Or there is an important piece of information that is omitted from the discussion.  When this happens, bad decisions are made and the decisions don’t actually solve the problem the group is trying to address.

Let me give you a rather mundane example of this.  I used to be the director of volunteer services for a rather large non-profit. Our fundraising department decided to hold a volunteer appreciation dinner as a fundraiser. It was a great idea. The problem? They didn’t tell me about it or invite me to any meetings or ask me for advice on which of the volunteers might be worthy of awards being given.  And no, I’m not joking, this really happened.  The result was a volunteer awards dinner with no volunteers present because they hadn’t been invited because no one told them they were invited or that they were receiving an award because the people organizing it never bothered to include the person with that information in their meetings and they never asked me or told me my help was needed. I was totally in the dark about what was happening until the event, which I thought was a normal fundraising dinner. I was sitting with our board members and it was so bad that the chair of our board started to openly mock the proceedings. Literally no one receiving an award was there.

In the grand scheme of things, it’s a pretty silly and stupid mistake they made.  But it’s the sort of thing that happens when people who have knowledge critical to the decision being made are either absent from the meeting or being silenced DURING the meeting. And these two things happen whenever bullying or harassment is happening because exclusion is the point of bullying and harassment.

If you are in business, take bullying seriously. If not for the human toll it is taking on your employees, stop it because allowing bullying and harassment to occur is hurting your ability to function well.
Learn how to stop bullying in the workplace - https://humanistlearning.com/retaliation1/

And the 7 principles of Humanistic Management - https://humanistlearning.com/?p=2237

Finally - learn about reality based decision making - https://humanistlearning.com/realitybaseddecisionmaking/

The Limitations of Conflict Management

Conflict management techniques are really useful, but not in every situation.

Not every interpersonal problem is a conflict. Conflicts are basically people disagreeing and not figuring out how to agree. This does happen, but often, what looks like a conflict is actually something else entirely.

If someone is passive aggressive and withholding information in the workplace, then yes, they are going to be in conflict with a lot of people. There will be disagreements that are pretty much impossible to resolve. We are tempted to employ conflict resolution tactics to resolve these conflicts. The problem is that you can’t resolve a passive aggressive problems  or bullying/harassment problems with conflict resolution. Here’s why.

A passive aggressive person avoids conflict. Their aversion to conflict is great enough that they will go to great lengths to avoid seeming to have a conflict. Put them in a conflict resolution mediation situation and they will acquiesce to everything that is said, and then continue being passive aggressive. Mediation won’t change anything. Why? Because that’s how they have learned to cope. They avoid conflict and “win” and “control” what is happening in other ways.

Bullying also can’t be fixed with conflict resolution because what is happening isn’t a “conflict.” It’s bullying. Sure, the person who is being bullied might respond to the bullying by entering into a conflict with their bully. But the underlying problem is that one person is behaving inappropriately (which is why it’s bullying and not conflict) and that bullying/harassment behavior is setting of a chain reaction of bad behavior between them and their victim. Conflict resolution assumes that both sides are equally guilty. But in a bullying situation, one side is to blame and the other is responding however poorly to that bad behavior.  Conflict resolution exacerbates bullying/harassment situations so it’s critical to understand when to use conflict resolution and when not to.

I gave a talk to a group of coaches a few weeks ago and we discussed this very dilemma. For me, I don’t consider using conflict resolution until both parties are behaving civilly. Because let’s be clear. Disagreements aren’t a problem. They are to be expected in normal human interactions. It’s how we respond to those disagreements that matters. If we respond civilly, there is no problem. There is only a problem if one or both parties responds by behaving badly.

My first task is to get the parties involve behaving civilly. Only after they start behaving properly and eliminate the bad behavior (whether it is passive aggressive or outright bullying), can we consider conflict resolution.

Always deal with the inappropriate behavior first. Don’t allow people who are behaving inappropriately to get away with it under the guise of conflict. If they really are in conflict fine. You can deal with their conflict, but only if they start behaving like the professionals they are. Conflicts are no excuse to behave uncivilly.

People who are capable of being civil, will try being civil and will work with you to resolve the problem. People who aren’t, because they have passive aggressive control issues or because they are chronic and habitual bullies, won’t behave civilly because they don’t know how and this will tell you pretty much everything you need to know about what is really going on.

To learn more about why conflict resolution doesn’t work when the problem is bullying, check out this course: https://humanistlearning.com/conflictresolution/ (HRCI/SHRM approved)