Showing posts with label bullying in the workplace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bullying in the workplace. Show all posts

The Hidden Danger of Serial Harassers: Why Addressing Behavior Is the Key to Workplace Safety

Harassment in the workplace is often seen as an interpersonal issue—a conflict between two people. This perception can make it difficult for organizations to address the root cause of the problem. What happens when the harasser, rather than retaliating against their accuser, simply moves on to a new target? The answer is troubling: it allows the harassment to continue unchecked, leaving a trail of victims in its wake.

This pattern is not uncommon, and addressing it requires shifting our understanding of harassment from isolated incidents to recognizing it as part of a larger, systemic issue with a problem individual. 

The Misconception of Harassment as an Interpersonal Conflict

When someone reports harassment, HR’s typical response is to treat the issue as a personal conflict between two individuals. The harasser is coached or given a warning, and the victim might receive support to move forward. But when the harasser doesn’t retaliate and instead targets a new individual, the problem is harder to see. The harassment doesn’t stop—it just shifts.

Serial harassers are often more dangerous than those who lash out in anger. They are calculated, and their behavior is subtle, which can allow them to evade consequences. This behavior goes unnoticed because, in each instance, the harassment seems to involve a different person. HR and management, if they don't recognize the pattern, might view each case in isolation, missing the bigger picture.

A Military Comparison: Serial Perpetrators in Large Organizations

A telling analogy can be drawn from military bases that experience high rates of sexual assault. Studies have shown that, contrary to the assumption that multiple people are responsible for the problem, these environments are often plagued by just a few individuals. These repeat offenders are responsible for harming many victims over time, not through retaliation but through finding new targets.

This is why it’s critical to address harassers not as one-off interpersonal incidents but as a potentially serial problem with the guilty individual. The failure to identify these patterns leaves organizations vulnerable to repeat offenses, with victims cycling through and leaving while the perpetrator remains.

Why Documenting Patterns Is Critical

A question I recently received from someone who took one of my online courses highlights this problem. Someone reported that a bully in their workplace wasn’t retaliating against the initial victim after being reported—instead, he simply moved on to the next person. HR coached him after each report, but the pattern continued.

This is where documenting patterns becomes critical. It’s easy to miss the larger issue if each new instance is seen as an isolated event. But if someone starts documenting the harasser’s behavior—recording each report, each coaching session, and the subsequent shift to a new victim—a clearer picture begins to emerge. Once the pattern is identified, it’s far easier to address it effectively and demonstrate to HR that their current interventions are not working.

HR and Leadership’s Role in Protecting Employees

HR’s role is not simply to mediate between employees in conflict. They have a responsibility to protect the entire workforce. When serial harassers are allowed to continue their behavior after each intervention, it sends a message that the organization is either unaware of or unwilling to stop the problem. Coaching without consequence is a band-aid solution for a deep-rooted issue.

Instead, HR must actively seek out patterns of behavior that indicate serial harassment. This can be achieved through documentation, as discussed earlier, but it also requires a shift in mindset. Rather than viewing each complaint as an isolated event, HR needs to understand harassment as a possible pattern of behavior that can escalate over time, harming multiple people.

The Cost of Inaction: Creating New Victims

When a serial harasser is not dealt with, the consequences extend beyond the initial victim. Every time the harasser moves on, they create new victims. The organization becomes complicit in perpetuating harm when it fails to take decisive action to stop the behavior. Over time, this creates an environment where employees feel unsafe and unsupported, leading to decreased morale, productivity, and trust in leadership.

This is why it’s critical to stop serial harassers at the source. Ignoring the pattern or addressing it too leniently only allows the cycle to continue, creating a fresh set of victims each time.

Conclusion

Serial harassment in the workplace is not an issue of individual conflict—it is a repeating problem that requires the proactive intervention of removing the person once it's clear - they serially harass people. Harassers who move from one victim to the next are extremely damaging to your organization. Organizations must stop treating each report as an isolated incident and instead focus on identifying patterns of behavior that reveal a deeper issue.

By documenting harassment, recognizing the larger pattern, and holding harassers accountable, HR and leadership can protect their workforce and prevent new victims from emerging. Harassment is a pattern, not a series of unrelated events—and organizations must start treating it as such to ensure a safer, healthier work environment for all.

Learn More: 

I have many online courses that cover how to identify and stop bullying and harassment in the workplace, for individuals and for young people. Learn how to stop unwanted behavior and how to identify patterns of behavior so that you can stop what is happening once and for all.

https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/


Fostering Humanistic Leadership: A Behavioral Approach to Bullying Prevention

 In a world that craves compassion and understanding, the role of leadership in shaping a positive and inclusive environment cannot be overstated. One of the pressing challenges that demand our attention is bullying—an issue that permeates schools, workplaces, and communities. To tackle this pervasive problem, we turn our gaze towards humanistic leadership and a behavioral science approach that seeks not only to stop bullying but to cultivate a culture of empathy, respect, and kindness.

Behavioral Science for Bullying Prevention in the Classroom

Understanding Bullying Behavior

Before we delve into the solutions, it's crucial to comprehend the nuances of bullying behavior. Bullying goes beyond mere conflicts; it leaves lasting scars on the emotional well-being of individuals and the fabric of communities and organizations. As we navigate the complexities of bullying, we recognize the need for a comprehensive understanding that goes beyond surface-level interventions.

The Role of Humanistic Leadership

Humanistic leadership stands as a beacon of hope in the quest for a better society. Grounded in principles that prioritize the well-being of individuals, humanistic leaders foster environments where everyone feels seen, heard, and valued. By embracing empathy and understanding, these leaders create a foundation for dismantling the structures that allow bullying to persist.

Behavioral Approach to Bullying Prevention

As we strive for a society free from the grips of bullying, a behavioral approach emerges as a powerful tool in our arsenal. Rooted in the science of behavior, this approach focuses on understanding the dynamics that drive bullying behaviors and implementing targeted interventions to reshape them. By addressing the root causes and modifying behavioral patterns, we can create lasting change at both the individual and group levels.

Imagine a classroom where conflicts are opportunities for growth, where students and educators alike possess the skills to navigate challenges with empathy and communication. The behavioral approach empowers leaders to instill these skills, fostering an environment where bullying struggles to take root.

The Importance of Education in Behavioral Science

To truly combat bullying, we must equip educators and leaders with the knowledge and tools grounded in behavioral science. Education becomes our ally in this fight, offering insights into the intricacies of human behavior and the strategies to reshape it positively.

Understanding the principles of behavioral science provides a roadmap for leaders to identify early signs of bullying, intervene effectively, and cultivate a culture of mutual respect. It's not just about stopping negative behaviors; it's about nurturing a mindset shift that encourages positive interactions and genuine connections.

Introducing "Behavioral Science for Bullying Prevention in the Classroom" Course

In our commitment to empower leaders and educators, we present the "Behavioral Science for Bullying Prevention in the Classroom" course. This comprehensive course, available for free streaming, dives deep into the behavioral science principles essential for effective bullying prevention and is specifically addressing the problem educators have of addressing this problem in the classroom.

Partnering with Learn Formula, we extend the reach of this course to Early Childhood Education professionals, ensuring that the next generation of leaders and educators are equipped with the tools to create nurturing and inclusive learning environments. If you know an educator who needs Early Childhood Education continuing education, please recommend this course to them.

https://humanistlearning.com/behavioral-science-for-bullying-prevention-in-the-classroom/


Bullying Prevention and Elimination for Everyone Else.

Teaching people how to get unwanted behaviors to stop is a central part of what I teach. It's how Humanists approach problem solving, using science and compassion.

If you are a parent or a child who needs help with bullying and wants to learn this - all the materials on my website - The Bully Vaccine Project are free. No sign up required. https://bullyvaccineproject.com/

If you are in the workplace looking for professional development or training for your staff - I have many certified online courses that teach this behavioral approach to bullying and dealing with difficult people. https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Call to Action: Be the Catalyst for Change

The journey towards a bully-free world begins with each one of us. Here's how you can make a meaningful impact:

1. Embark on the Learning Path:

Enroll in our "Behavioral Science for Bullying Prevention" course today. Whether you're an educator, parent, or community member, this course equips you with the knowledge and tools to foster a culture of empathy and understanding. [Insert Enrollment Link]

2. Access Free Resources:

Explore our collection of free resources on effective bullying prevention strategies. From insightful articles to practical guides, empower yourself with actionable steps to stop bullying in its tracks. [Insert Free Resources Link]

3. Share the Knowledge:

The power of change multiplies when shared. Spread the word about the science-based approach to bullying prevention. Share our course and resources with your colleagues, friends, and community. Together, let's raise awareness and build a network of advocates for positive change.

4. Start Conversations:

Initiate conversations about humanistic leadership and the behavioral science approach to bullying prevention. Share your insights on social media, in your community gatherings, and within your professional networks. Education thrives in dialogue, and your voice can spark transformative discussions.

5. Ignite the Ripple Effect:

Every action you take has the potential to create a ripple effect. By embracing these principles, you become a catalyst for change. Inspire others to join the movement and contribute to a society where empathy and respect prevail.

Remember, the impact of your actions extends beyond individuals—it shapes the fabric of communities and influences the way we collectively approach and resolve conflicts. Be the change, and let's together pave the way for a world free from the shadows of bullying.

Diversity v. Inclusion - what's the difference?

Just because you have diversity - doesn't mean you have inclusion.  


Diversity means you have variety.  In the workplace - you could have a variety of people of different genders. You could have a variety of people from different ages. You could have a variety of people from different income groups. You could have a variety of people with different skin tones. A variety of people from different religions.  Think of diversity - as variety.

There is a reasons companies like to recruit in diverse people. And it's not just that they don't want to get sued for discrimination. It's also because that diversity is great for critical thinking and decision making.  

You  don't know what you don't know. Diversity gives you a better chance at uncovering the things you don't know so that you can plan for them and adjust your strategies so they are more likely to be successful.

In order for diversity to benefit your organization though - it's not enough to have diversity - you must also have inclusion.

What good is having a math wiz - if you never ask them to do math for you?  What good is it to have a epidemiologist during a pandemic - if you don't take their advice?  What good is it to plan for education during a pandemic if you don't include teachers in the planning discussions? Not good at all.

In order to benefit from diversity - you have to make sure people with diverse knowledge and experience - are included in decision making process. Otherwise, you are making decisions in the dark and that's exactly what were trying to avoid by recruiting in diverse people.

So - how to ensure people that are diverse create positive collaborative work groups where everyone is included and everyone can contribute equally?  That is literally - the billion dollar question that seems to defy solution.

It turns out we humans are really tribal. We don't trust others and if we don't trust - we don't collaborate.  Also - some people have learned that - they can get their way if they just - exclude those pesky others who have different ideas.  

In order to create a culture of inclusion- you have to simultaneous build up trust and get rid of the people who dominate through bullying and other obnoxious behavior.  This is why my book - The Bully Vaccine - is subtitled: How to inoculate yourself against bullies and other petty people.  https://humanistlearning.com/the-bully-vaccine-book/ 

Recruiting in diversity is actually fairly easy once you decide to do it. The harder part is how to make sure those diverse people are nurtured and included so that they can be their best and contribute to the organization - instead of being marginalized by your other employees.

To help you with that - I offer a variety of training programs that teach you and your staff - how to stop bullying using behavioral science and how to manage humanistically - so that you can finally - have that inclusive supportive organization you always dreamed of.  Details at: https://humanistlearning.com/programsoffered/


How I beat a bully in the workplace without stooping to their level.


I went through a really bad situation when I first was a professional. To be fair – I was hired to fix a really bad situation and the result was – I became a target of the bullies – and that targeting continued – after I fired them.  

I now teach how to make unwanted behavior – like workplace bullying stop.  (https://humanistlearning.com)  I also teach these skills to kids and their parents for free through my website The Bully Vaccine (https://bullyvaccine.com)


First – the background. I was hired by a non-profit that had toxic staff/volunteer relations. We had 10 volunteers who thought their job was to spy on staff. The result was – staff didn’t want to work with the volunteers.  I was hired as the director of volunteer services to turn this around. I knew up front – this was going to be difficult and I accepted the responsibility to make this happen.

First – the good news. I succeeded. And within 3 years I had 500 volunteers donating 20,000 hours a year (the equivalent of 10 full time employees). Our volunteers were assisting every aspect of our agency’s work. I was being loaned out to sister agencies to help them learn how to do this and was often the point person to help organize volunteers for disaster response.

How did I do it? A combination of professionalism, honesty and behavioral science.  Was it easy to do? Nope. At one point – the blow back against me was so bad – I thought about quitting. I didn’t because I had enough allies asking me to stick it out for the good of the organization. That is the only reason I didn’t quit. Being targeted can be brutal.  REALLY brutal. To get through it – you need allies who need you to succeed to improve the organization.

What did I endure? 

Seriously? What didn’t I endure? I was accused of sexual misconduct. My reputation was routinely attacked. What I was wearing was attacked. I literally had to endure a formal investigation into my wardrobe choices and my dating life to get through this. And I did – because a) I hadn’t done anything wrong – these were all lies and b) I had allies.

So – what happened and how did this all go down?

When I took the job, the first thing I did was consult with staff and find 2 that were willing to work with volunteers. I asked them what would be the most helpful thing a volunteer could do. I wrote up a job description (including who to report to and what exactly the work was). I went to the volunteers – explained to them – what we needed them to do. Why we needed them to do it, why it was so important that it needed to be done. And then gave them a choice – do you want to do this – or not? They all agreed. And were paired with staff and staff and volunteers were nurtured in their new relationships so that the volunteers could be productive assistants to the staff.  

9 out of the 10 – were so grateful that I had made this change and created clarity around their volunteer work as they a) had not liked the old toxic environment (who would) and b) they now knew that their time was being used to help make things better.  The one volunteer who did not like it – was the person who used to be in charge of the volunteers. She did not get on board and would not do the work we had requested of her. So I fired her.   That’s when things went south.

She had allies within the organization. Other directors of other departments.  She spread lies and rumors about me. She continually tried to get her job back and make it seem like I was a horrible person who had to be eliminated for the good of the agency. 

I ignored that and just kept growing the volunteer program. As we had successes – other people requested help and I followed the same process. Drew up job descriptions, trained the volunteers and coached the staff in how to manage and work with volunteers successfully.  The more we had success, the more staff wanted volunteers. And it just kept growing. 

Our reputation and my training program were so successful – we got a discount on our liability insurance as our accident rate had dropped substantially – even though we had exponentially more volunteers working with us. I had people requesting internships. I developed a mentorship volunteer program so people with dual diagnosis (disability and mental health) could volunteer with a volunteer partner.  We had adults with the boys and girls club – bringing in their little brothers and sisters in to volunteer as a team. And still – our accident rate dropped. 

The attacks continued for a year

But .. this fired toxic volunteer – was still attacking me. And as she failed to succeed in ousting me, her rumors and lies got worse and worse. It didn’t help that I had broken past the gender roles and joined the old boys network which really wasn’t and old boys network – just the 2 senior males in the organization liked to have coffee in the morning and discuss issues relating to our work. I used to join them – even though I don’t drink coffee. The other female directors were really upset I had broken through when they hadn’t – so they became allies of the toxic volunteer.

It all came to a head in the formal investigation that was requested. I actually requested the investigation to put an end to the rumors and dispense with it once and for all. The people spreading rumors were asked to file formal complaints and those complaints against me were investigated. I was cleared – and that was the end of it. 

Welcome an investigation

I always tell people, welcome the investigation. If you are innocent – the investigation will clear you and the people who made the complaints and started the rumors – will lose. It increases the cost of spreading rumors. They can no longer hide what they are doing. They either have to put their own reputation on the line, or shut up. If someone is spreading false rumors – and they are found to be false – it’s the rumor spreader that is hurt, not the target. 

This wasn't easy 


The stress was immense. My reputation and honesty were being questioned. I was enduring attacks from all directions. I got through it by being honest, competent and professional, and – because I had allies who were rooting for me. I got through this – for them. To make their lives better! 

It is much easier to endure the sort of backlash stopping bullying in the workplace generates – if you know you are helping to make things better.  And we must do this. If one toxic part time volunteer can cost you the equivalent of 10 full time employees – imagine how much productivity a full time employee with authority is costing you!

Companies need to take this seriously

 Support your whistleblowers and change agents. Most importantly - you MUST be willing to fire the toxic person or things will never get better. 

Learn more:

If you want to learn more about how to do what I did - take one of my online courses: https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/




Women who bully in the workplace.


Yes – some women bully. Yes – some powerful women bully.  And yes – it can be related to toxic masculine culture.  Sometimes.

I was recently asked by a reporter to give my opinion on women bullying women in the workplace. 

First – bullying is about power and control. It is about having the ability to deem someone as part of the ingroup or part of the outgroup.  In other words, a bully gets their power by including some people and excluding others.


Women who are the first to do whatever, to succeed, may have to adopt the traits of the dominant bully – to be accepted by them and to function.  I think there was some research done that showed, this dynamic is more prevalent when there are fewer women competing for scares roles and resources, than in situations where there are more women and the competition is more – friendly and collaborative.

But we do see this – queen bee – dynamic is women only groups as well. And what is happening is the same. It’s about creating control. Who is included and who is excluded. And aggression and bullying, allows them to control who is in and who is out.  That dynamic has nothing to do with toxic masculinity. Both men and women play this game. Men tend to do it more overtly, women – more covertly. But both men and women bully in roughly equal amounts. It’s just rare to see women bully using the same techniques men use. We only see that when there is only one or two women in a group that is otherwise dominated by a toxic male who bullies.  So let’s define toxic masculinity as – sexist bullying. 

Let’s turn to the questions

There's been a surge in toxic masculinity around women

No – there has not. What is happening is women aren’t’ tolerating sexist bullying anymore and what we are seeing is a surge in reporting of incidences – not a surge in sexist bullying. It’s always been there – and honestly – it used to be a lot worse. It’s better now – because people are reporting and talking about it. The surge is in women’s willingness to reporting it.

How does toxic masculinity impact women in power in the workplace?

Women are impacted by toxic masculinity because some men are sexist and use sexist bullying to keep women out of positions of power or to exclude them from decision making processes. Men are impacted by this too by the way.  Anytime they are put down as being too – feminine in some way – they are a victim of toxic masculinity that sees gender roles as rigid and that degrades and devalues females and holds masculinity as the ideal. This is a form of sexist bullying. It impacts both genders.  It’s purpose is to control ingroup and outgroups – or inclusion vs. exclusion in the decision making process.

Is this the only reason they're bullies?

No. People bully because it works to create control over group dynamics.  Toxic masculinity/sexist bullying is generally a more masculine form of bullying, but women bullying too and for the same reasons. The form the bullying takes, depends on what is considered socially acceptable. It is well known that a bullying boss, creates a bullying culture where people try to emulate the boss to curry favor. It is in these situations that a woman might engage in sexist bullying, more than say – passive aggressive behavior.

What can workplaces do to combat this? What steps must be taken?

Workplaces need to learn how to make unwanted behavior – like bullying stop. There is a behavioral science protocol called – extinguishing a behavior that they need to learn. It’s slightly technical – but most people can understanding. For any stimulus – you can respond in a positive, negative or neutral way. If you want to eliminate a behavior – neutral is what works. And then how often you do this – consistently or variably. Consistency works – variably makes the unwanted behavior stronger.  And finally, you need to know that when you remove the reward for the unwanted behavior, the behavior will escalate for a bit. This is predicted and is known as an extinction burst or blow out. The key to making unwanted behavior stop – is to manage the extinction burst through to completion. Meaning – you have to keep removing the reward 100% of the time through the escalation and increase the cost associated with the behavior. There is no way to address this once and succeed, you have to keep on it until the behavior stops and that can take a few weeks. As for steps to take – I normally recommend training HR, then upper management. Then – redo your processes to maximize behavioral extinction. Then – train middle management and then lower management on the new processes and expectations. Then – train staff and then manage the change process over the next year as people start to use the system. You have to positively reward people who report and manage the extinction process. The reason you have to have executive buy in – is because – some people won’t be able to change. Maybe only one or to in any group of 100. But they will have to be let go and if there is not a willingness to do that – there is no point in going through this process.

 Have you ever been impacted by toxic masculinity from a woman?

Yes. I had fired a toxic volunteer at a non-profit I used to work at and she retaliated and got a few of my fellow directors (also female) to attack me. And I was accused of sexual misconduct among other things. Even if I had done what they had accused me of (coming on to the son of a donor – which I hadn’t – the mother had asked me out on behalf of her son – which was sweet but weird).  But even if I had flirted and come on to this young man – there was literally nothing wrong with me doing that.  So the attack was just sexist nonsense. They also accused me of wearing slutty clothes to a fundraising event – which I hadn’t. You get the idea. These were overt sexist attacks on me – and were designed to get the men running the organization to think less of me. In other words, they were hoping that the men in charge of our non-profit were sexist and so they could manipulate them against me. It didn’t work. Mostly – because those men – weren’t sexist in the slightest - and I hadn’t done any of the things I had been accused of.

What steps did you take to resolve this?

First – I had allies. Lots of allies. And I had those allies because I am fundamentally honest and caring and helpful and professional. The allegations made against me – were things that no one really believed and that were easily disproved. Most importantly – I had allies among the male leadership of the organization. The sexist attacks against me were targeting them to get them to think less of me as a woman by painting me as a dishonorable woman with a quite normal sex drive – because apparently – being interested in men as a young single woman – makes one – dishonorable. Seriously – the whole thing was stupid. Anyway – when the attacks came, my allies warned me of the rumors and that allowed me to prepare my defense – which was to basically tell the truth – no – I had not hit on this guy – he hit on me and had his mom come into my office to ask me out on his behalf – to which – I said no – I already had a boyfriend. And to address the clothing choice charges – which was quite easy – because the night in question – I had been with my boss – a man – for 7 hours while wearing that cocktail dress my mother bought me and he couldn’t remember what it looked like – so it was definitely – not inappropriately sexy. I just happened to be skinny and beautiful and that isn’t a crime.  I’m not going to lie, it was an incredibly unpleasant thing to go through. I thought about quitting. But I had been hired – specifically to change the culture of the organization and I was succeeding which is why I was attacked. I had allies who really liked the changes that had occurred, and they worked to protect me and gave me encouragement to stay because they needed me to stay and succeed. If it had not been for the allies – I would have quit. It was really seriously unpleasant.

What advice do you have for companies to fix toxic masculinity in their workplace when it comes to women abusing their power?

First – don’t just focus on toxic masculinity.  Focus on toxic culture period. Women don’t engage in toxic sexist bullying unless they believe that is what the men want. So toxic culture, bullying of any sort – sexist, racist or whatever ist – cannot be tolerated – ever.  Learn what is required to make unwanted behavior stop. Change your processes for handling these things to maximize behavioral extinction, then train everyone. And commit to the change process. When you take power away from people who are using bullying and harassment to create power – they will fight you. Be prepared for that and be prepared to fire anyone who doesn’t adapt the new ways of being. Most people will be super glad the culture is changing. The few that resist will eventually get on board. The people who fight it – actively – and whose behavior gets substantially worse – will need to be fired. Without a realistic willingness to do this – don’t even try.


My main lesson for leaders who want to change the culture? Recruit in change agents. Be honest with them about what needs to change and why. Actively protect your change agents from the attacks – which are predicted to occur (make sure they know they are needed and appreciated so they don’t quit on you). Only then – will you succeed.

Yes - I did get quoted in the article - forbes.com/sites/heidilynnekurter/2020/02/19/women-bullied-at-work-heres-why-your-female-boss-dislikes-you/

More importantly - if you want to learn how to make workplace bullying stop - while still maintaining your professionalism - take this online course - https://humanistlearning.com/how-to-humanistically-handle-bad-bullying-bosses/  or get the book/audiobook

What to do when you are being bullied by a manager at work

It would be nice if all leaders were humanistic leaders. But they aren't Some are downright toxic. What should you do when you are being bullied by a manager at work?



Question:
I'm being bullied at work and my managers don't do anything about it. The other bully is another manager and she has gotten away with it. Now my non-bully managers want me to handle more responsibilities when I've been treated like this, because my work has been credible. So, how do I get them to address the problem with the bullying manager?

Answer: 

1) Start documenting what is happening. Download the documentation log included in the course.  You need, who did what. Names, dates, times, witnesses, documentation of proof (like if it was in an email) and specific description of what exactly was said or done.

2) Include everything. Even the stupid petty stuff. It's a pattern of behavior you need to prove.  The key is - did this behavior serve a legitimate purpose? No - it's inappropriate workplace behavior - document it.

3) Have a conversation with your non-bullying managers and tell them your concerns. Say - I appreciate that you recognize the hard work I am doing and that you are trusting me with more work, but ... I feel very uncomfortable with how the bullying manager is treating me and others (I am assuming you aren't the only one).  And ask them if and how they plan to address the problem.   It is important to do this in a problem solving way.  Make sure they know - it's not just you you are worried about but your colleagues as well - since it is creating a difficult work environment for everyone.

4) With the bullying manager - do not have any communication with her that you don't document and follow up with a cc.

5) The bullying manager will most likely escalate their inappropriate behavior. Have a plan for what to do when this happens. And work with the managers who like your work to get them to support you through this process. And be prepared for things to get possibly nasty.

6) As for your interactions with the bullying manager - emotionally detach and be pleasant and professional. Decide what you are going to say and how you are going to say it when they behave inappropriate. What exactly you say depends on what exactly the behavior is. If they yell - you can politely say - - it isn't necessary to raise your voice - we are all professionals here. Say it sweetly and just consider it a redirect - like if you were training a kid to use an indoor voice. Repeat as necessary. And again - do not take their inappropriate behavior personally - just detached - professional and compassionate redirection of their behavior to more pro-social and professional behavior. But continue to document.


Learn more:

I have a wide variety of online programs over at: https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

You can also view several of the programs free at amazon prime: https://amzn.to/2RixU3p


Who should you train when you have a problem person?

Hint - it's not the problem person

I provide behavioral based harassment training. Most of my customers find me because they are looking for a real solution to their problems.

Often - they will tell me that they have a problem person and they are hoping that I can train this person - to not be a problem anymore. In other words - we don't want to train everyone - we just want you to fix this one particular employee. 

I don't want to name names - but sometimes these situations blow up and I read about them in the paper - or see them on the news.  This usually happens when they are vague and say - we;d like to you to do a "pilot" project in this one store - but the manager of that store - isn't actually on board with the training. Then it blows up and - I realize why.  Some of these incidents have been very high profile too.

So - let me help you out. If you have a problem employee - YOU need to learn how to help them. The problem employee isn't interested in a training and any training you give them - will just annoy them - and not convince them to change. 

It isn't that they aren't capable of change - it's more that - the way they are works for them so they don't see the point. The problem person doesn't have a problem. The people who have to work with the problem person - have the problem.

To fix this - you need to teach the people who are dealing with the problem - HOW to deal with it effectively. You should be training - everyone around the problem person. Help them. Focusing on fixing the problem person - isn't going to work. Teaching the people who have to deal with the problem person - how to make them stop - will.

With a behavioral problem in particular - the people around the person who is problematic - need to learn how to redirect the negative behavior. How to reward the good behavior and provide consequences for the bad behavior. Basically - you need to teach everyone else - how to train the problem person to behave better.  And everyone needs to be on board with the strategy too - because - if they aren't - it's not going to work.

My advice - if you have a problem person - is take my training. Learn what has to happen to fix it. Then come up with a strategy on how to deal with it. It may be that your best course of action is to fire the person. But then again - it might not.

I cannot help you though - if you don't want to learn what actually works so that you can fix it. If you are just trying to offload the problem for someone else to fix - you are never going to fix it.

So stop trying to shift responsibility. If you have a problem person - learn how to deal with them effectively. Train yourself first. https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

What is the best way to deal with a bullying director?

Question: 

Hypothetically speaking if a person was in a situation where say a Director in charge of say a small team was bullying the supervisory staff, both individually and as a group, how would a person go about handling that?

Answer:

It depends on whether this hypothetical director is above you, below you – or parallel with you.

Regardless, starting to document properly what the inappropriate behavior is – is a start.  Bullying is generally a pattern of inappropriate behavior. It is harassment that serves no legitimate purpose. 

So I would start documenting these little inappropriate things that happen.  That way you can see if you are dealing wth a pattern of behavior – or just one off lapses of judgement. 

A good log tells you date, time, people present (who participated or witnessed it), what exactly happened or was said, where this happen and any documentation to support it happened - like a copy of an email.   Once you get the log going – you may be able to see the pattern of behavior a bit better.   My husband had a boss who – when she was stressed, would – spill her anxiety onto everyone else.  It helped him to not take it personally and to understand her behavior better. She got fired because she got in a fight with her boss – so that sorted itself out.

Everything starts with the documentation log.

Once you have that – you can create a strategy to either extinguish the unwanted behavior – or retrain for better behavior or fire if it becomes necessary. I usually recommend attempting to extinguish and retrain as the first steps because most people – aren’t aware they are bullying and aren’t aware of their own side of an interpersonal problem. They are just responding to their own stressors and respond well when others enter helping mode instead of fight mode.  For instance – I did a training for a law firm and they told me – everyone started behaving better – to manipulate everyone else – into behaving better. They didn’t have any actual bullies – even though – everyone thought everyone else – was a bully.

If you do have a pattern of inappropriate behavior happening – then you need to create a strategy to help them stop – or fire them. A strategy should take into account who has power over this person to create the rewards and consequences required to help make the behavioral change happen. Keeping in mind, they will fight the behavioral change- - that has to be factored into the strategy and plans made to help them get through it quickly. 

If the person is just – really bad – and the form of the bullying isn’t’ just – they don’t know how to manage well – but actually malicious – then they would need to be fired and your documentation will help, make that happen.



This question came from a participant in one of my online courses. The identifying information has been removed to protect identity. If you want to learn more - check out my courses and consider scheduling a training for your company. 

https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Dealing with a Bad Boss

I do a lot of presentations to business and HR Professionals about how to use behavioral science to stop bullying. One of the questions I get at pretty much every conference session is how to deal with a bad boss.

The answer to that question depends. Is your bad boss a middle manager or – THE boss?

If they are a middle manager you would be doing your company a favor by trying to help them be less of a bad boss by letting management know of the problem and documenting what is going on as well as you can. It is not your job to fix the bad boss – it is upper management’s job to do that. To help them, you HAVE to have documentation of what is going on.

A documentation log includes What happened, when did it happen, who witnessed it, what exactly was said and so forth. If there is an email chain – make copies and attach them to your documentation log. It is a really good idea to follow up every conversation with a follow up email to ensure you understood their direction properly. The idea is to make sure you are being professional even if the bad boss isn’t. This will help upper management understand what the problem is and correct it. A lot of times bad bosses are bad because there are covering up their mistakes and blaming staff. All you can do is be professional and document and alert and try and encourage the boss to be more professional too – in a nice way. This is no guarantee you will succeed, but it will put you in the best position to do so.

If the bad boss is THE boss. Quit. Seriously – there is no external pressure you can put on them to change and any attempt to do so will fail.

If it is a middle manager and you want to learn how to stop harassment and retaliation in the workplace - consider viewing my program - How to End Harassment & Retaliation in the Workplace. It's available as an online course, streaming video, or DVD: https://humanistlearning.com/video-ending-harassment-retaliation-in-the-workplace/

How harassment impacts decision making

Making decisions without good information rarely turns out well.

Harassment is a form of bullying. It is done to hoard power and to withhold power from others. It’s about creating in groups and out groups. People whose opinions matter and people whose opinions don’t matter. Whenever we decide some people’s opinions don’t matter we negatively impact decision making.

Lets talk specifically about how sexual harassment impacts decision making.

There was a study recently published about how often the female justices of the US Supreme Court are interrupted. Turns out, it’s a lot. Including by people who are prohibited from doing so, but whom the head justice allows to do it.  These interruptions are often because there is a disagreement on something and the males interrupting the women simply don’t want the woman’s opinion or line of questioning to be heard. https://hbr.org/2017/04/female-supreme-court-justices-are-interrupted-more-by-male-justices-and-advocates

The impact of all this interrupting is that diverse viewpoint are less likely to be heard, which is the point of the harassment. It silences opposition or perceived opposition.

The same impact occurs with other forms of harassment. Harassment is done to put someone off balance and to denigrate and dehumanize them and basically label them as others, so that the people watching, are less likely to side with or even listen to this person.  It doesn’t matter if what is happening is a snide comment, or passively aggressively “forgetting” to invite someone to a meeting on which they have knowledge that would be helpful to the group.  Harassment sidelines them so that their voices aren’t heard and this impacts the quality of the decisions being made.

Ideally, when you are in a group making a decision, you want to weigh the pros against the cons and come to a rational decision about the best course of action. But what happens if you are never given the cons. Or you aren’t told what the pros are?   Or there is an important piece of information that is omitted from the discussion.  When this happens, bad decisions are made and the decisions don’t actually solve the problem the group is trying to address.

Let me give you a rather mundane example of this.  I used to be the director of volunteer services for a rather large non-profit. Our fundraising department decided to hold a volunteer appreciation dinner as a fundraiser. It was a great idea. The problem? They didn’t tell me about it or invite me to any meetings or ask me for advice on which of the volunteers might be worthy of awards being given.  And no, I’m not joking, this really happened.  The result was a volunteer awards dinner with no volunteers present because they hadn’t been invited because no one told them they were invited or that they were receiving an award because the people organizing it never bothered to include the person with that information in their meetings and they never asked me or told me my help was needed. I was totally in the dark about what was happening until the event, which I thought was a normal fundraising dinner. I was sitting with our board members and it was so bad that the chair of our board started to openly mock the proceedings. Literally no one receiving an award was there.

In the grand scheme of things, it’s a pretty silly and stupid mistake they made.  But it’s the sort of thing that happens when people who have knowledge critical to the decision being made are either absent from the meeting or being silenced DURING the meeting. And these two things happen whenever bullying or harassment is happening because exclusion is the point of bullying and harassment.

If you are in business, take bullying seriously. If not for the human toll it is taking on your employees, stop it because allowing bullying and harassment to occur is hurting your ability to function well.
Learn how to stop bullying in the workplace - https://humanistlearning.com/retaliation1/

And the 7 principles of Humanistic Management - https://humanistlearning.com/?p=2237

Finally - learn about reality based decision making - https://humanistlearning.com/realitybaseddecisionmaking/

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