Bystander Responsibilities

I reporter asked me to weigh in on how to encourage bystanders to step up and help fix problems, like bullying.  Because this impacts more than just that, I wanted to post it here in the context of Humanistic Leadership.

People who step up, and help those in need, are the people who become leaders. Want to be a leader, someone others want to follow, you need to find the courage to live by your ethics. 

Below is the Q&A I did with the reporter.  Here is the link to the article where I am the featured expert: https://www.boredpanda.com/boyfriend-emasculated-girlfriend-help-girl/

1. How often does the bystander effect take place and people refrain from helping those in need?

I do not know.

2. How can the bystander effect be broken when someone needs help, but people around them don’t take action?

This is about personal responsibility. You decide to take action. Don’t wait for others. If you think the person needs help and you are thinking – someone should check to see if this person is ok – that someone, is you. Just do it. Whether or not anyone else does – you should do what you think is right. 

My understanding (and again – I’m not an expert on the studies) is that when one person comes to aid an individual – it gives permission to the others to do the same. And this is one of the things I teach about personal ethics. You don’t need other people’s approval to do the right thing. Just – do it. And when you do – you will find that others appreciate that you took the initiative.  I’ve also found that by taking the initiative to be ethical and act when something is wrong, that people who do this – are seen as leaders – because they are leading with ethics. 

3. In your opinion, how important is it not to be apathetic to other people, especially those in need of help?

Extremely important. If you can help someone in need, you should help them. Take the time if you can. Apathy is emotionally draining and discouraging to experience. When you choose to pay attention and to act with compassion to people in need, you feel connected, you feel alive, you feel good about yourself and about the person you helped. Can you help everyone? No. No one can. But if you can help an individual, help them.  You will be glad you did. The hardest part of this is to find the courage to do it. In your story, the guy was scared. He lacked courage. Finding the courage and acting despite your fears, I’ve always found that personally, I’d rather act (with reason as my guide) than wonder what I might have done. Knowing I at least tried to help, helps assuage any guilt I might feel later if I didn’t act.  The more you act courageously the easier it becomes.  The key for me is to recognize the humanity of the individual and see them as fully human. This makes it easier to take action and find the connection in yourself to see, there but for fortune go you or I.

4. How empathic/apathetic would you say society is nowadays? Do you see a trend indicating that it is going one way or another, becoming more empathic or more apathetic?

I don’t have any studies I can point to – but in my personal experience I think we are at the same levels we have always been at. This is a universal problem that has been written about for as long as writing has been a thing. Humans have always struggled to connect and help one another. We all have moments where our empathy is overwhelming and when our apathy is overwhelming. This is why it’s important to NOT worry about what other people are doing, but to focus on what you – as an individual – can or should be doing in any given situation. Personally, I am guided by compassion and humanism. My personal practice is to see others as fully human worthy of dignity and compassion so when a homeless person asks for help, I help them as much as I can. I stop what I am doing and be present with them and help with what I can help with. Or if I see someone struggling, I try to help them. 

Would you like to add anything else?

Like anything – this requires balance.  You cannot save other people, you can only help them a bit. So compassion has to be tempered with reason.  A homeless woman I met in the DC train station asked me to purchase her some toiletries, which I did. I also bought her some food. We chatted and hugged and then I got on my train. I can’t save her from homelessness. But I could alleviate her suffering a little bit. And sometimes that is enough. It is what I could do in that moment. Another woman I helped, she was squatting with her daughter in an house without electricity and water. I gave her water, let her use my phone. Eventually she decided to return home to her parents and get her life in order. I helped how I could, but I didn’t try to save her. I treated her with dignity and compassion and helped how I could, with boundaries to make sure that helping her – didn’t hurt me if that makes sense. 

But again – this is all about personal ethics. What sort of person do you want to be. Then – be it. Don’t wait for permission to behave ethically and with dignity to people in need.

How I beat a bully in the workplace without stooping to their level.

I went through a really bad situation when I first was a professional. To be fair – I was hired to fix a really bad situation and the result was – I became a target of the bullies – and that targeting continued – after I fired them.  

I now teach how to make unwanted behavior – like workplace bullying stop.  (https://humanistlearning.com)  I also teach these skills to kids and their parents for free through my website The Bully Vaccine (https://bullyvaccine.com)

First – the background. I was hired by a non-profit that had toxic staff/volunteer relations. We had 10 volunteers who thought their job was to spy on staff. The result was – staff didn’t want to work with the volunteers.  I was hired as the director of volunteer services to turn this around. I knew up front – this was going to be difficult and I accepted the responsibility to make this happen.

First – the good news. I succeeded. And within 3 years I had 500 volunteers donating 20,000 hours a year (the equivalent of 10 full time employees). Our volunteers were assisting every aspect of our agency’s work. I was being loaned out to sister agencies to help them learn how to do this and was often the point person to help organize volunteers for disaster response.

How did I do it? A combination of professionalism, honesty and behavioral science.  Was it easy to do? Nope. At one point – the blow back against me was so bad – I thought about quitting. I didn’t because I had enough allies asking me to stick it out for the good of the organization. That is the only reason I didn’t quit. Being targeted can be brutal.  REALLY brutal. To get through it – you need allies who need you to succeed to improve the organization.

What did I endure? 

Seriously? What didn’t I endure? I was accused of sexual misconduct. My reputation was routinely attacked. What I was wearing was attacked. I literally had to endure a formal investigation into my wardrobe choices and my dating life to get through this. And I did – because a) I hadn’t done anything wrong – these were all lies and b) I had allies.

So – what happened and how did this all go down?

When I took the job, the first thing I did was consult with staff and find 2 that were willing to work with volunteers. I asked them what would be the most helpful thing a volunteer could do. I wrote up a job description (including who to report to and what exactly the work was). I went to the volunteers – explained to them – what we needed them to do. Why we needed them to do it, why it was so important that it needed to be done. And then gave them a choice – do you want to do this – or not? They all agreed. And were paired with staff and staff and volunteers were nurtured in their new relationships so that the volunteers could be productive assistants to the staff.  

9 out of the 10 – were so grateful that I had made this change and created clarity around their volunteer work as they a) had not liked the old toxic environment (who would) and b) they now knew that their time was being used to help make things better.  The one volunteer who did not like it – was the person who used to be in charge of the volunteers. She did not get on board and would not do the work we had requested of her. So I fired her.   That’s when things went south.

She had allies within the organization. Other directors of other departments.  She spread lies and rumors about me. She continually tried to get her job back and make it seem like I was a horrible person who had to be eliminated for the good of the agency. 

I ignored that and just kept growing the volunteer program. As we had successes – other people requested help and I followed the same process. Drew up job descriptions, trained the volunteers and coached the staff in how to manage and work with volunteers successfully.  The more we had success, the more staff wanted volunteers. And it just kept growing. 

Our reputation and my training program were so successful – we got a discount on our liability insurance as our accident rate had dropped substantially – even though we had exponentially more volunteers working with us. I had people requesting internships. I developed a mentorship volunteer program so people with dual diagnosis (disability and mental health) could volunteer with a volunteer partner.  We had adults with the boys and girls club – bringing in their little brothers and sisters in to volunteer as a team. And still – our accident rate dropped. 

The attacks continued for a year

But .. this fired toxic volunteer – was still attacking me. And as she failed to succeed in ousting me, her rumors and lies got worse and worse. It didn’t help that I had broken past the gender roles and joined the old boys network which really wasn’t and old boys network – just the 2 senior males in the organization liked to have coffee in the morning and discuss issues relating to our work. I used to join them – even though I don’t drink coffee. The other female directors were really upset I had broken through when they hadn’t – so they became allies of the toxic volunteer.

It all came to a head in the formal investigation that was requested. I actually requested the investigation to put an end to the rumors and dispense with it once and for all. The people spreading rumors were asked to file formal complaints and those complaints against me were investigated. I was cleared – and that was the end of it. 

Welcome an investigation

I always tell people, welcome the investigation. If you are innocent – the investigation will clear you and the people who made the complaints and started the rumors – will lose. It increases the cost of spreading rumors. They can no longer hide what they are doing. They either have to put their own reputation on the line, or shut up. If someone is spreading false rumors – and they are found to be false – it’s the rumor spreader that is hurt, not the target. 

This wasn't easy 

The stress was immense. My reputation and honesty were being questioned. I was enduring attacks from all directions. I got through it by being honest, competent and professional, and – because I had allies who were rooting for me. I got through this – for them. To make their lives better! 

It is much easier to endure the sort of backlash stopping bullying in the workplace generates – if you know you are helping to make things better.  And we must do this. If one toxic part time volunteer can cost you the equivalent of 10 full time employees – imagine how much productivity a full time employee with authority is costing you!

Companies need to take this seriously

 Support your whistleblowers and change agents. Most importantly - you MUST be willing to fire the toxic person or things will never get better. 

Learn more:

If you want to learn more about how to do what I did - take one of my online courses: https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

What makes an inspirational leader and how someone can strive to be one?

I don’t think inspirational leaders strive to be inspirational. Instead – they are focused on solving important problems and the result is they inspire others. People who strive to be inspirational – tend to come off as – fake. Being inspirational is NOT a good goal. Solving important problems that impact real people – is a good goal. The people who do work hard to solve important problems- are the people we find inspiring. So don’t try to be inspirational – BE inspired and you will inspire others.

  

A reporter contacted me about inspirational leadership. Here are the questions they asked and my answers. 

What type of values do inspirational leaders have?

Inspirational leaders are aspirational people. They have personal dreams and goals they work towards. Those goals are almost always altruistically motivated. Meaning – they aren’t motivated by selfish things (like wealth or fame). They are instead motivated by their concern for others. And it is this that motivates them to work so hard to make things better for other people. What are the specific values?  Compassion is probably the core value. It’s hard to imagine anyone inspiring others if they are NOT fundamentally driven by their sense of compassion and personal responsibility. 

What skills do they possess?

They are strategic. It’s not enough to want to do good. In order to actually do good and succeed at doing good, you have to apply reason and critical thinking so that your actions have a positive impact. Wanting to do good – that is what compassion gives us. The desire to do good.  Strategic and critical thinking – help us to figure out what will actually work. This is what helps us – BE Good. 

What do they do and what don't they do?

They focus on fixing the problems. What they don’t do is worry about their reputation or status. They just focus on solving the problem with compassion and dignity. They don’t waste time on interpersonal pettiness.  They don’t waste time on things that look good, but don’t fix the problem.

The other thing they don’t do – is they don’t sacrifice their personal values in pursuit of solving the problem. They understand that HOW you solve your problem matters. If you hurt people to help people – you aren’t helping people. So they tend to be ethical, compassionate and dignified in all of their professional and personal relationships.  And it’s this last part that pushes them over the edge. Lots of people try to do big important things. But if you think of the people you find MOST inspirational – they are people who are caring, compassionate, loving, and dignified with EVERYONE they meet. They don’t reserve their concern for certain people. EVERYONE is treated well by them. Their personal and professional ethics – are the same and integrated. That makes them people – you want to be around and to work with and be inspired with.

It’s sad that most people are unable to be the caring compassionate ethical and dignified person we all aspire to be. Inspirational people – inspire us to be better – by being that truly good person we all aspire to.

Who do you consider to be an inspirational leader (not including yourself)?

Hillary Clinton. She is insanely competent, and always focused on helping others. From her work to help children get health care and to help change the way children are treated in the courts, through her entire life. It’s clear that compassion drives her and that she is super smart and super strategic and able to navigate and maintain her grace and dignity – even in the face of seriously horrible personal attacks. She has accomplished so much good in the world. My son has benefited from her work and I will be forever grateful to her for that. But she’s done all that under intense hatred directed towards her. And not once has she responded in kind.  She’s the sort of person – I aspire to be.

What do you think makes them stand out from the rest?

They fight and win – using reason and compassion. They don’t fight dirty. They win, not by fighting, but by refusing to back down.  They maintain their compassion and professionalism and patiently keep pushing for change – big and small. 

What about them captures your attention and do you think makes them inspirational?

For me – it’s how they maintain their grace and compassion and dignity and don’t resort to dirty tactics in pursuit of their goal.

What kind of impact does an inspirational leader make?

They change the world. By being a good, decent, hardworking compassionate individual, who doesn’t let setbacks prevent them from doing what they think is right, they provide an inspirational model for the rest of us to aspire to. 

What do you think are some goals of an inspirational leader?

To fix problems. It really is as simple as that.

Learn more: 

Take the online course - Principles of Humanistic Leadership - https://humanistlearning.com/principles-of-humanistic-leadership/

Dealing with Personal Mistakes and Errors

Everyone makes mistakes. Professionals fix them.

I am always amazed when I meet people who don’t want to take responsibility for their mistakes.  It’s not just kids, it’s adults too. I’m amazed because in my experience, acknowledging you made a mistake and working to fix it is always well received. I am positively re-enforced every time I take responsibility for my mistakes and try to fix them.

I have always found that people are pretty considerate, IF you work to fix the problem.

Sometimes my mistakes are an accident, and sometimes they result from poor judgement.

Sometimes, I mess things up with other people by being clueless, hungry or both. I’m far from perfect.

But, people still work with me and help me and support me and seem to like me, for the most part, because I do make an honest attempt to fix my mistakes.

My ego is pretty big, but it’s not big enough to prevent me from doing my best to fix things.

The next time you make a mistake or an error acknowledge it. Apologize for it. And start working to fix it. I have had people come to me livid about stupid stuff I have done and I’ve just flat out apologized and told them I messed up. How can I fix it?  Once people realize I’m not only not going to fight, I’m not going to blame anyone else for my bad behavior AND, I’m going to work to fix it, they almost always accept my help and allow me to make amends.

Don’t be so proud that you continue to make mistakes just to prove to yourself that you weren’t to blame.  That would be pretty stupid.

There are a few courses I would recommend if you find you struggle with this.
1) Conflict Resolution – will teach you some of the science of how to help resolve conflicts and prevent behaviors from escalating
2) Dealing with Cranky Customer Problems
3) Living Made Simpler (will help you think about your values, who you are and more importantly how you want to be)

Whose Fault is It?

Anger and the blame game might feel emotionally satisfying, but they rarely help us solve our problems.

When things go wrong, most of us get angry.  And then we try to figure out who is to blame for the problem.  The problem is, this won’t help us solve our problem.

It is emotionally satisfying to get mad.  It helps motivate us to take action. But when the action is to blame someone, our actions move us away from problem solving.

It seems figuring out who is to blame should work. After all, if someone caused the problem, they should fix it right?  Well, in an ideal world, yes.  But we don’t live in the ideal world. We live in the real world.  And in the real world, the person responsible may or may not be capable of fixing the problem they caused.

First, they may not know how to fix the problem.

Second, it might not be in their best interest to fix the problem.

Third, they might not care if the problem is fixed or not.

Relying on the person you are blaming for the problem to fix the problem is not a good strategy if you want to actually fix the problem. This is why as good as it feels to assign blame you are better off focusing on what you can constructively do to solve the problem.

If you need help, seek it out. Just be aware, people are more willing to help you solve your problems if they aren’t being blamed for them. Which is yet another reason why you should avoid playing the blame game.