Advice for dealing with a Narcissistic boss

 Question:

What advice can you give to an employee who works for a narcissistic boss? What are the signs of a narcissist boss? What are common mistakes employees make when dealing with one?

Answer: 

I teach how to handle harassment using behavioral psychology techniques and humanistic compassion.  I have a course on how to handle bad bullying bosses and how to prevent passive aggressive people from wreaking havoc.

The technique to deal with this is super super simple.  CYA.  Document everything. Approach them as supportive and friendly and make it clear you are there to help them.  Then, document everything.  Every conversation. You do this, not to get them in trouble, but to create clarity about what work needs to be done, when and by whom.  This is usually enough to keep the narcissists anxiety down and helps them think of you as an ally, not as an enemy, which in turn, makes it easier for you.  I also find it helpful to keep them in the loop about everything that is going on, so that they don’t start thinking people are plotting against them.

In short, working for a narcissist means you are going to spend a LOT of time helping them manage their mental health.

Narcissists make bad managers because instead of thinking about the mission of the project and getting the project done, they are focused on making themselves look good. They categorize people into allies and enemies.  In order to work with one, you have to be seen as an ally.

The challenge is to be an ally, without sacrificing your moral values and still standing up to them,  but doing so in a way that they don’t fight.  Many people will either fight them or just give them everything they want.  To do a good job when your boss is a narcissist means, appeasing them as a way to constrain them.

 Learn more with my online course: https://humanistlearning.com/how-to-humanistically-handle-bad-bullying-bosses/

Narcissism in the workplace

 Obviously narcissism is one of the dark triad personality traits. If you come across one, this is not fixable and should be removed from the office or isolated so they cannot do any harm.

The problem is, unless you are a psychologist and specifically their psychologist, you cannot diagnose them yourself. Which means, you should NOT assume that they are narcissist, even if they are exhibiting what appears to be narcissistic tendencies.

What should you do to a) protect yourself and b) expose them? 

I teach how to stop unwanted behavior like bullying and harassment using behavioral science techniques known as operant conditioning that I learned while training dolphins. Specifically, how to stop unwanted behavior using a technique that is called “extinguishing a behavior.”

I have dealt with psychopaths and other problematic personality types in the workplace successfully. The approach is not to expose them,  but to allow them to expose themselves.  I do this using excessive CYA documentation (cover you’re a$$).   Whenever I interact with them, I do so pleasantly and with the expectation that everything is above the board legit. Then I follow up and document absolutely every conversation. 

If I agree to do some work for them, I follow up with an email to ensure I understood the parameters of the work properly. Did they promise to get me some supplies I need, I email them to verify that we agreed to that. Everything, gets a documentation email. AND I cc either my boss of theirs or both depending on the situation.  

They are predictable

The great thing about dark triad personalities is they are EXTREMELY predictable. Don’t ever assume they won’t try to harm you. They will. So prepare for that and work around that. The simplest easiest way is to send well intentioned confirmation emails on every little thing.

If the person is not a narcissist, but has some other issue that you weren’t aware of, these emails with them being cc’d will probably straighten them up. Hopefully it will. And hopefully the person isn’t actually a narcissist.

But if they ARE a narcissist, they will get mad and escalate if you do this. That’s ok. That’s predicted to occur. Their illness makes them creatures of habit. They use confusion and hearsay to hide what they are doing and revel in the confusion and angst it causes others. When you document everything and confirm everything what you are doing is working to create clarity. In good faith. This clarity will remove their ability to hide and sow doubt and confusion. Basically, they will experience your work to create clarity as a loss of control. This will cause them to escalate and they will not be able to help themselves. Again, this is a disease, and they are not in control of it. 

As they escalate, their actions will become more overt and they will hide less and they will expose themselves. This is why you should cc your boss and their boss. And if they are your boss, definitely loop in their boss.  NEVER have a private conversation with them and ALWAYS document and make sure the upper level managers know what’s going on.  This will allow them to see that you are working hard to create clarity and help them see that the other person is the problem. 

The role of managers

At first, the managers will be a bit frustrated as they don’t like being brought in for what they think are interpersonal problems. But most managers are also aware that if they are being ccd in on something, it’s because something is wrong with the dynamic and they should pay attention and they will. They may be silent as they sit and watch, but they will.

As the narcissist becomes more overt as their ability to control the dynamic and cause confusion etc are removed, they will continue to escalate until they do something really inappropriate.  It is usually at this point that the managers start to intervene.

Your only job throughout this is to do a good job. Trying to create clarity in a confusing situation is doing a good job. Don’t lash out – ever. Don’t every accuse them of anything (unless they break a law or harass or discriminate, which is breaking a law). Just be professional and do your best to do a good job. If you do this, people will recognize it and the narcissist will expose themselves.  All you did was give them every opportunity to work professionally and collaboratively. If they don’t or in the case of a narcissist can’t work professionally and collaboratively, they will prove that through their actions.

This works most of the time.  Not every time, but most of the time. 

Learn more:

I have a course on how to prevent passive aggressive people from wreaking havoc in the workplace where I go into detail on this technique and provide real life examples of what this looks like.  If you are dealing with a suspected dark triad personality in the workplace, consider taking this course. 

More details and registration information at: https://humanistlearning.com/passiveaggressivepeople/ 

Dealing with a Toxic Narcissist in the Workplace

The nice thing about narcissists – especially the raging ones – is that they aren’t in control of their behavior. They behave pathologically – which means they are insanely easy to manipulate because their behavior in response to certain stimulus is predictable. You can use that to trigger them in certain ways. Run circles around them basically.

The problem is that it is physically and emotionally draining to do this.  Like all bullies, managing their emotional needs takes time away from actually getting work done.  It is better to get the toxic person out of the office and fire them. They are a massive black hole of lost productivity.

I once fired a toxic volunteer from a non-profit I worked at and in 3 years, we had increased volunteer output to 20,000 hours per year. That’s the equivalent of 10 full time employees. That’s a LOT of lost productivity caused by 1 toxic person.

How do you deal with them?  It depends on who they are.  If they are the boss – you either manage their narcissism so that their impact on workflow is minimized, or you quit.  There are no other options if you cannot fire them. You either help manage their condition to create space for everyone else to get work done, or you allow them to wreak havoc in the workplace or you quit.

If they are a co-worker, the best course of action is to manage their narcissism so that it isn’t directed at you or your team while simultaneously setting them up to be fired.  And again, that’s fairly easy to do because their behavior is super predictable.  And to answer your next question – yes – I’ve done this before – successfully on more than one occasion. I’ve only experienced retaliation a few times but could ride that out because of the weakened position of the narcissist by that point. In a couple of the cases the narcissist didn’t know it was me who set them up.

How does someone do this?  You must have a good grounding in how behaviors are shaped and triggered. This allows you to set up conditions that will trigger the narcissist’s bad behavior and gets them to escalate. While you are doing this, you are simultaneously – personally – feeding their ego so they come to rely on you to keep them sane.  You do this to keep the narcissist from interfering with employees and the work flow by keeping them occupied elsewhere.  It’s a defensive move – not an offensive move.

If they are not the boss, you can then trigger their bad behavior in an area that doesn’t impact workflow, but that makes it obvious to upper management that this person is a problem. It takes a little bit of planning and strategizing to do this well.

What you don’t do is try to change them. Narcissism is a personality disorder. If you aren’t a therapist, you can’t fix it and it’s not your job to fix it. Your job is to minimize the harm the narcissist does to the company and the employees and the workflow. It’s pretty much a full time job managing the mental health of a narcissist in the workplace, which is why it’s best if they get fired. But if someone doesn’t take on the task of managing them, they will persist and continue to wreak havoc. This is one of those – someone’s gotta do it situations. Unfortunately.

And before anyone accuses me of not having compassion for someone with a legitimate mental health issue - don't. If they were responsible and taking care of their mental illness and dealing with it constructively - they wouldn't be toxic to the workplace. It's because they aren't dealing with their illness constructively so that they minimize the harm their condition does to others that they are a problem. Until or unless they take responsibility - they will continue to be a blackhole of lost productivity. And again, it's not the employer's or coworker's job to fix them. It's their responsibility to seek the mental health care they need. Not allowing a narcissist to wreak havoc - may actually help them understand - they need help.

If you want to learn more about how exactly - to deal with the behavioral problem that narcissists create - I recommend my comprehensive program on bullying in the workplace. It is 6 hours long. For a reason.

https://humanistlearning.com/workplacebullying1/