How to say "No" without ruining your reputation at work


A recurring question I get asked is how can I set boundaries. How can I say no in the workplace and not ruin my reputation or be seen as someone who isn't a team player.

My answer? As long as the 'no; is in the context of continuing to help solve the problem – it’s usually not a problem to say no.

I teach a course on how to handle cranky customer problems and a big part is to focus on problem solving.  Sometimes the best thing you can do to solve a problem is to say no.


Ex:  No – we can’t do it in that timeframe. Let’s discuss a more realistic time frame.

Or – No – My plate is already full – let’s discuss project priorities.

Or – No – that’s not ethical. Let’s discuss how to do this and stay within the law.


No is not necessarily – No. It may just be an introduction to problem solving. The proposed solution is not acceptable – so let’s discuss a way to get the problem solved that is acceptable to everyone.

When you approach setting boundaries in this way - you are often seen as someone who is professional and helpful, and honest. 

For more on how to handle cranky customer problems (including internal customers) take my online course: 
https://humanistlearning.com/crankycustomers/

Solving problems with compassion is the Humanist way

The number one thing I teach that gets the most push-back is compassion.People just don't want to be nice to people they don't like. But compassion really is the key to better interpersonal relationships and therefore better problem solving.


Most of the problems we encounter involve other people. We need other people's help. Or other people are in our way - or actively working against us. Whatever the problem is - it involves another person.

Being nice and compassionate helps you solve your problem in 2 main ways.

1) Thinking compassionately about the individual you are in conflict helps you think more critically and realistically about the problem and how to resolve it. Most people are self centered, which means - most people are not intentionally hurting you. They are just trying to help themselves.

2)  Knowing this, allows you to not turn what isn't a conflict - into a conflict. Instead, you can chose your reactions to what is going on - to increase the cooperation and decrease resistance. And this is most easiest done when you aren't treating other people like threats, but as potential allies. And to do that, it helps to think of people compassionately.

To help you learn these skills, I have an online course - Living Made Simpler, it takes you through humanist morality, the use and application of compassion, critical thinking and how to use these skills to cope more effectively.

Basically - how can you use Humanism to be more effective, have better relationships and feel more fulfilled?  Yeah - compassion.

Here is the link to the course: https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

Social Entrepreneur combating bullying and harassment




My goal – is to stop bullying.  I teach how to train a bully to stop using behavioral techniques known as operant conditioning. Basically – the science of how you train someone to leave you alone.  I have a website dedicated to this topic and the sharing of this information:




I founded an online learning company – called Humanist Learning Systems to help promote this social agenda. https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/


Regarding why I started Humanist Learning Systems.  Here is the problem. To stop bullying, I need to teach parents – how to more effectively help their kids – by teaching the parents the science – so that they can support their kids through a bullying situation and help the child stop it successfully. 
  
I have 3 inter-related problems.

1) I am only 1 person. And I can’t possibly teach every parent in the country what I know – individually. I have to scale up to accomplish this.

2) Parents don’t know I can help them and so don’t know to look for me. This is both an advertising problem but also an awareness problem. Most people don’t know there is actually a science-based approach that can help them – so they don’t even know to look for the right kind of help. 

3) In order to dedicate myself to this project I have to get paid. This is a full time job of a project and I can’t dedicate myself to it unless I have the money to support myself. So I do have to get paid to do this work.

The opportunity:


I want to teach parents how to teach their kids to stop bullies.  Where are the parents? In the workplace. Being subjected to harassment training every 2 years that doesn’t actually teach them anything useful. Every 2 years, most adults in the country are taught – harassment is against the law. Don’t do it. But what if … this training taught them – if it happens to you – here is how you get it to stop. Using science.  If I could tweak the existing harassment training programs to include this important information – I could reach the very parents I want to reach on the scale I want.

The business:


Provide sexual harassment training – that includes the behavioral science information that people need and want. By doing so – I am not just getting paid to do a training. I am also providing parents with the information they need to help their kids.

 What has grown out of this is that I also provide training to entrepreneurs and individuals on how to deal with unwanted behavior like passive aggression, cranky customers and more.  All information adults want – but that also provides the information they need as parents to help their kids.

Hire me:


To take one of my courses or hire me to help your staff - check out the courses I offer at: 


I'm told I give really good advice.

Whether you are dealing with a difficult situation at work, or you want to reconcile with an estranged family member.  I can help you think more clearly and therefore more effectively about your problems so that you can solve them in a way you are going to feel really good about.


How do I do it? Applied humanist philosophy. Actively invoking your ethics as you decide what to do about any given situations, tends to yield good results. Seriously it does.

First, taking the time to think, interrupts your instinctual response so that you can choose your response.

Second, thinking about what a good response would be - first requires you to do some thinking about what a good or ideal outcome is.  Notice, this involves the word - good - which involves moral judgement.

Third, once you know what it is you ideally would like to have happen, you can be strategic about how you go about accomplishing that.  I spend a lot of time talking to people who have an outcome in mind and are doing the exact opposite thing to what they should be doing to get what they want.  It's crazy to me.  Take some time to think about the consequences of your actions so that you can have some idea of whether want you want to do will work or not.

Finally, I help give permission to people to strive to be a good person. It's really ok.  Your struggles are normal. Life is hard. Choosing to embody your values doesn't guarantee success, but spending some time  engaging in critical thinking and challenging your assumptions helps.

One way to think of Humanism is that it is the applied study of what it means to be a good human being.  Think of what a good person would do - and then do that.

The compliment to Humanist morality is critical thinking.  We humanists do both.  Compassion tell us what a good outcome is. Critical thinking helps us create a strategy to actually accomplish it.

Finally - the last component is responsibility. We know what the right thing to do it. We have a plan on how to accomplish it. But none of that matters if we don't take action.

Reason and compassion in action. That is what Humanism is. And it really does make life easier.

If you want to learn more about how to actually apply the humanist philosophy in your daily life- I have an online course to help: https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

How can you use technology to streamline a conflict resolution process?


I provide online training on how to stop unwanted behavior like bullying/harassment using behavioral science. This knowledge can also be applied to conflict management and I have several programs which address how to do that.

The question – can a tech solution to help streamline conflict resolution is an interesting one.  Because the answer is – it depends.  It depends on what exactly is happening.

Conflict isn’t simply a disagreement. It’s a disagreement that has devolved into a personal fight – at least on one side. Often on one side. It’s an unprofessional response to a professional disagreement.

Conflict can also be a symptom of bullying. Where the bully uses conflict to justify their behavior.  Bullying often masquerades as conflicts. 

With these 2 things in mind – there are a couple of things HR can do to use tech to help them.

1.    They can use tech to help provide training to the people “in conflict” to help them learn how to better and more professionally deal with it so it stops being a conflict and goes back to being a disagreement.  This does not take the place of counseling and coaching though. It’s more – complementary to counseling and coaching. The person coaching the individuals through the “conflict” can have them read things or take an online class as part of the counseling/coaching.

2.    The other way they can use tech is as a whistleblowing/reporting  system.  Because conflicts are manifested as inappropriate and unprofessional workplace behaviors, the goal is to get the unprofessional behavior to stop. Additionally, since what looks like conflict may actually be bullying, providing staff with a way to report incidences of unprofessional behavior will help HR a) know what is going on and b) provide a record of unwanted/unprofessional behavior which can be used to justify employment action is retraining fails, which it often will if the problem is bullying. Basically – a whistleblower/reporting system can help you figure out if what is happening – is actually bullying, when used correctly.

To learn more - take one or several of my courses at: 

I am an HRCI & SHRM approved provider. 


Free Will and Humanism

Free will is a central concept to Humanism. The idea of human agency - we have the ability to chose our actions is what makes our moral responsibility possible.

The problem is - free will may not be an actual thing. It feels like it's a thing, but it may not be. But then again, it may be. Basically - the science on this topic is mixed at best.

Here is a quote I came across that I really like that helps us understand the problem of free will.

"If by 'free will' you mean the freedom to do what you desire, then yes, humans have free will. But if by 'free will' you mean the freedom to choose what to desire, then no, humans have no free will. ... Ultimately we should realize that we do not control our desires, or even our reactions to these desires. We don't have free will, but we can be a bit more free from the tyranny of our will." - Yuval Noah Harari
The problem is that we are conditioned by the conditions in which we are conditioned.  Or in plain English - the rewards and reinforcements we receive as a result of our behavior conditions our future behavior in response to certain stimulus and as a result - our responses to our conditions are not always in our control. 

And this is true. I teach behavioral psychology as a tool for training bullies to stop. There is a reason the early philosophic and psychological humanists - didn't like behaviorist. Behaviorists were telling us - some of our behavior - is beyond our control. 

The thing is - just because we are conditioned - doesn't mean we can't chose.  Understanding how we are conditioned and why we are responding a certain way to certain things, can help free us from the tyranny of our will.

In addition to teaching people how to make behavior stop.  I also use behavioral psychology to help people understand our own responses to other people - so that we can choose to over-ride our instincts and chose a different action.  And this is not just doable. Learning how to do it - is liberating.

You don't have to be a victim of your impulses.  You can recognize your impulses for what they are - and over-ride your instincts and chose a different course of action.   Yes, it's difficult to do. Yes, it takes self awarness. But that's the entire point of being self aware - is so you can choose your actions.

Understanding the science of what you are up against and why free will is so hard to accomplish - helps.

If you want to learn this - visit https://humanistlearning.com/jennifer-hancock/and sign up for any of my courses

And if you want to geek out on a deep philosophic discussion on why determinists are wrong because you can make choices even if your atoms don't - check out this link:  http://nautil.us/issue/72/quandary/yes-determinists-there-is-free-will

Don't Ghost People in Business.

It's not professional, or nice.

If you are collaborating with people, and if you are in the workplace, you are - then it's impolite to not respond to them.

I understand people get busy. I am busy too. But if you ask me for help, but then don't respond to me when I try to help you - that's just rude.

And I'm not talking about random inquiries - I'm talking about people where we have formally agreed to work collaboratively on something.

Don't ghost your collaborators. If something has come up - be honest about that. If you have decided to not work on this project you asked them to work on - be honest about that. It's not a big deal. But wasting people's time while they try to get in touch with you - is unprofessional and rude.

A lot of what it means to be professional, is to help create clarity about what is going on.  If things are uncertain, and you don't know the answer to their question - tell them that. I don't know - I'm waiting on something else. Clarify what the delay is. Don't just ghost people.

I recorded a short chirp on this - https://www.chirpapp.com/post/akNJMPVK0r 

I am putting together a humanistic leadership program that will include a 1/2 hour on what it means to be professional. You can currently view it by taking my How to Prevent Passive Aggressive People from Wreaking Havoc in the Workplace Using Science. https://humanistlearning.com/passiveaggressivepeople/

Reducing Income Inequality Through Shopping

Can shopping help us reduce income inequality?  Maybe - there is some research that says it can help - dramatically.


Here is the article: https://www.yesmagazine.org/issues/solidarity/shop-here-not-there-science-says-reducing-inequality-is-almost-that-simple-20171120

And here is a link to the research report - https://arxiv.org/abs/1604.08394

Here is the synopsis of the study

Socioeconomic inequalities in cities are embedded in space and result in neighborhood effects, whose harmful consequences have proved very hard to counterbalance efficiently by planning policies alone. Considering redistribution of money flows as a first step toward improved spatial equity, we study a bottom-up approach that would rely on a slight evolution of shopping mobility practices. Building on a database of anonymized credit card transactions in Madrid and Barcelona, we quantify the mobility effort required to reach a reference situation where commercial income is evenly shared among neighborhoods. The redirections of shopping trips preserve key properties of human mobility, including travel distances. Surprisingly, for both cities only a small fraction (∼5%) of trips need to be altered to reach equity situations, improving even other sustainability indicators. The method could be implemented in mobile applications that would assist individuals in reshaping their shopping practices, to promote the spatial redistribution of opportunities in the city.

The key point - if 5% of our shopping dollars were spent in poorer neighborhoods, income inequality can be drastically reduced.  In the cities studied - a 5% shift in the where geographically the money is spent reduced inequality up to 80 percent.

Why this works? "Rewiring shopping trips to cross those neighborhood boundaries can decrease the ghettoization that urban neighborhoods experience."

How can we use this information as individuals?  Well - this sort of solution is a bottom up solution, meaning, we the people need to cross the boundaries and make sure that none of the communities become ghettoized.  Meaning - we don't consider bad neighborhoods, bad neighborhoods and we cross and shift some of our shopping into places that we would otherwise neglect.  We intentionally take affirmative action to ensure that our shopping is diversified.

Part of this is transportation - making sure that people can get to place and feel safe in those spaces so they feel safe spending a portion of their money in those places.

It's an interesting idea and worth exploring I think.


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