What does marriage mean to me as a Humanist

I am a happily married Humanist and I occasionally get asked about how I approach marriage as a humanist.

To me - marriage is a commitment people make to each other. To help support each other and to try and get through this thing called life.  In short, it's a partnership.  A partnership that has legal ramifications.

How do I approach my partner in life?  As my partner. In equal dignity and responsibility.

My marriage is a source of stability for me. Regardless of what else is happening, I have a firm foundation from which to explore the world. If I get battered and tattered, I know I can come home to my family and be supported, loved and protected. It's a good feeling.

How do I maintain my marriage as a Humanist? By supporting and loving my husband.  I don't take him for granted. He helps me and I appreciate his help and I try to help him and support him and make sure he feels as loved and secure as I do.

My mother told me marriages work when both parties, put the well being of their partner above theirs. The key is that both partners have to do this. If only one does - it's abusive. But if both do it - it's great.

What about sex?  We love sex. It's about sharing our affection and helping the other person feel good. Again - we have sex - not in a selfish - I need this for myself sort of way - but as a way to help the other person to feel wonderful. Helping each other feel wonderful - feels wonderful.

The core of my humanist marriage is dignity. We are both people with dignity and we treat each other with dignity, love and compassion.  When we encounter problems we work together as a team to solve them. And it's easy to do - because - supporting each other is an act of love.

For people looking to get married, my advice is similar to my mom's.  Find someone who treats you with dignity and compassion.  Someone who is responsible to the responsibilities required of a partnership. And find someone with compatible problem solving skills.

What’s Wrong With These People?

I’m rather upset about the extreme negative response some people have had to the gay marriage vote in NY. The anger and violence directed towards gays doesn’t make any sense to me. I get that some people have religious objections to gay marriage, but I don’t understand why anyone would care enough to react with violence. I mean seriously, what does it matter who people want to have sex with? Unless they want to have sex with you, you aren’t even involved.

When I see scenes of violence against gays, and gays receiving death threats, I am forced to ask, what the heck is wrong with these people? Don’t they have anything better to do? Don’t they have a life? Are there really that many people struggling with latent homosexual desires? I just don’t get it.

So to those of you who are so scared of gays that you are lashing out in violence against them: get a life already. Gays are humans. Not some alien race trying to take over our planet. If the idea of homosexuality disgusts you, that’s fine. There’s a rational way to deal with your disgust. Ignore them. They probably don’t want to have sex with you anyway.

Appreciation

Everyone knows that making a marriage work takes work. But what exactly does that mean. I was thinking about this the other day while watching a movie about a dysfunctional relationship. I personally am very happy in my marriage and feel like I have a great relationship. And I don’t really think of being married as work because honestly, nurturing my relationship with my husband is a joy. That is because the best way to nurture your spouse is to actively appreciate them.

So, what is my advice on how to make a marriage work? Well, first, don’t think of it as work. Thinking about all the reasons why you love your spouse shouldn’t be a chore. Get in the habit of appreciating your spouse every day. It will help you treat them better and it really isn’t that hard to do. In fact, you will probably find that it is fun to think about all of the reasons why you should appreciate. It feels good to do it.

The mistake I think people make is that over time, they forget to do this and they start taking their spouse for granted. Don’t take yours for granted. Appreciate them for the wonderful person they are (I assume they are wonderful or you wouldn’t have married them in the first place) and make sure to thank them for being in your life every day.