Compassion as a response to a personal attack

 A friend of mine is experiencing a personal attack online. He is struggling to respond in a way that doesn't make it worse. So, how should we deal with online smears on our character? 

For the record, I've been accused of all those things and had my reputation smeared, and I'm ok with that, because I know the attacks didn't have much to do with me. I don't talk about some of the things I've gone through because I like to focus on the positive, but I've definitely been attacked and had people attempt to ruin my reputation.

Here is the note they sent me when I tried to remind them to respond with their better nature, with compassion.

"I'm strongly pro-compassion. And I certainly think some of the pushback I got was just as you said. But if someone posted that you are, say, a bigot, a vicious open sexist and racist and told hundreds of people on another continent, people you don't even know, that you're just such a vicious open sexist and racist and that you should be shunned at all costs or flushed like a turd, I'm guessing you wouldn't treat them with compassion or conclude that it had nothing to do with you."

My response?  

Well - that's totally happened to me. I'd be surprised if you haven't heard horrible rumors about me 10 ish years ago through the grapevine because of it. I didn't view it as a problem when it was happening and I didn't respond with anger or fight back because I didn't need to despite the active campaign to discredit me in certain circles of which you are a part. I got through that fine and my reputation is still good and at no point did I get angry or fight back. I wasn't being victimized. Someone in a lot of pain, made me the target of their anger. It wasn't about me. It was about them and the pain they were in at the time. The person in question clearly needed to vent. 

I've had random anonymous people post what I think are insane reviews of my books that have nothing to do with the book and everything to do with what appears to be a personal vendetta against me.

There is also video of me when I was young in a conversation about race where I was TOTALLY wrong and had no idea. I know the video is used as an educational tool about how white fragility prevents actual discussion on race - and I have zero problem with that because - that's exactly what it was and what I did. And I didn't bother getting upset at the time they started using it which was immediately after it happened, because I knew it wasn't going to impact me in real life. I'm sure if I ever ran for office, that video would surface again and I still wouldn't be bothered by it because, I was text book in denial to be honest. I have learned a lot since then and can recognize the mistakes I made at the time as mistakes. 

Then there are all the personal attacks in the various places I have worked as people try to discredit me that I have weathered. I literally was accused of hitting on a donor's son inappropriately and of wearing inappropriate clothing to a cocktail party. These attacks were PERSONAL and done by colleagues, and were, quite honestly - disgusting. I didn't get mad or respond with anger at the time because I knew those attacks weren't really about me. They were about a person who had lost power in the organization fighting back in an undignified way. Handling myself with dignity and compassion is why I won that battle - and it was a battle. 

So - to answer your question - NO - I would not respond as you are responding and I know I wouldn't because it's happened multiple times throughout my life and I got through each incident well and with my reputation intact by responding with compassion. I know from experience that it's not necessary to attack as a way to defend yourself. 

I also know that the one time I did attack and try to defend myself, I prevented myself from listening and learning to something hugely important, which was that a) I was wrong and b) the pain other people were in was more important than my discomfort at listening to them tell me about their pain. 

Why on earth would you care that 100 people on another continent have been lied to about you? Behave with dignity and prove the lies wrong. Don't destroy your truth with the hands you are using to defend it.

What was happening?

This whole situation started because they posted something that caused a lot of people, me included, pain. It had to do with gender identity and discrimination that people of certain genders and particularly people whose gender doesn't fit in a binary, experience. His post was well intentioned, but tone deaf. So, people responded by expressing their pain.  He responded by acting as if he was under attack and it wasn't helping him. 

My advice for anyone dealing with something similar

The correct response to someone sharing pain with you is to acknowledge that pain and show compassion. The incorrect response to someone expressing pain is to get mad at them for not acknowledging how good a person you are. Their pain predates you. All you have to do is acknowledge their pain and NOT make it about you. 

The worst thing you can say is that your own pain is worse than their pain. That is what Donna Hicks describes as a dignity violation pissing match. Your dignity has been violated, so has the dignity of the other person. It doesn't matter whose dignity violation is worse. Both of you have had your dignity violated. 

The reality is - no one can take your dignity away from you. YOU either act with dignity or you don't. The correct response to someone being in pain, is to show them compassion. 

There is a reason compassion is central to a humanist viewpoint and why every spiritual leader and philosopher throughout history teaches it as a response. By exercising compassion with people who are actively trying to hurt us, we not only protect ourselves, we re-affirm our own dignity at the same time. Mostly, if it turns out we were at fault, acknowledging our fault and correcting our mistakes helps us fix the problem instead of making it worse.

If you want to learn how I do this and have been doing this and being successful at it - using compassion, let me teach you. I have a 6 hour course called living made simpler. I have one whole lesson devoted to actively applying compassion to difficult situations and how exactly it works to help you cope.

Details at: https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

Seeing the Beauty of Humanity

Something weird has happened to me lately. I seem to see the beauty in everyone I meet.

I’m a normal human. At least I think I am. I have the same instinctual responses to physical beauty we all have. I look at people and am attracted and repulsed. Some people are physically beautiful and some people are not. Up until recently.

I took my son to an amusement park the other day and ... everyone there was beautiful. Everyone was radiant. Even people I know I would have viewed as “strange looking” before.  It was both an awesome and rather intellectually weird experience. Intellectually I understood that something had changed in me and that I was no longer judging beauty by physical appearances. Emotionally I felt consumed by love.

Imagine feeling like everyone you meet in life is beautiful and amazing. That was what my day was like. It felt great even as I was puzzled by the emotional response I was having to people.

This is one of those enlightened states of being you read about. Some sage has achieved enlightenment and they not only glow, the people around them glow too. Except this was and has been happening to me, in real life. The best way I can describe what this is like is that I feel like I am seeing people's inner beauty superimposed over their outward appearance. It's stunningly beautiful to experience. In fact, I'd describe it as transcendent.

I haven't tried to see people differently. In fact, if you had told me this was something to strive for, I'd have laughed you off as some new age woo peddler. What I’ve tried to do and practice is compassion and honesty and individuality. I try to see the individual in the individuals I cross paths with. And I think this is what created the change in how I see and interpret beauty.

Every person I meet is different. Like the leaves on a tree. They are beautiful in their uniqueness. Even the faces of people in the paper accused of committing crimes look beautiful to me. They are human. Flawed humans, but still human and still ... beautiful.

Seeing beauty everywhere and in every human is a new experience for me. I find I can’t stop smiling at people. I feel surrounded by love pretty much constantly, my love for others, complete strangers. It feels great.

I hesitated writing this post because I didn’t want to sound pompous or egotistical. But I needed to share it because it’s been such a profound change for me and how I experience life that I felt like I would be lying through omission if I didn’t share this.

I didn’t try to seek this higher state of awareness or whatever it is I am experiencing. I only have been seeking to consider the people I meet compassionately. It’s become such a habit that I’m now doing it automatically and that has changed how I see people for the better and in a way that feels fabulous.

I keep saying this. There is a reason every major philosopher and religious teacher throughout history has taught compassion. It’s central to living well. Having such a profound change in how I physically see people feels so overwhelmingly loving that I don’t ever want to stop seeing this compassionate beauty. I am more committed now than ever to the practice of compassion. It’s worth practicing. It really is.

How a Humanistic Perspective Changes Everything

To me, Humanism is all about compassion for my fellow humans.  This compassion isn’t always easy to muster given that my fellow humans aren’t always all that wonderful. Sometimes they are downright annoying, especially if you work in an office with cubicles and you can’t shut them out!

So what do I do when the ideal – humans are wonderful and deserving of respect and dignity meets up with the reality that is my fellow flawed humans?

First, I remind myself that I am also a flawed fellow human.  While I don’t normally quote scripture I like to remind myself of what Jesus said about those without sin casting the first stone. I need to be humble.  I am flawed and annoying too and if I cast stones, they will probably and rightly come right back at me.

Then I try to feel compassion for the annoying person despite my annoyance at them. I have no idea why they do what they do. I have no idea what their childhood was like. They can’t help it if their voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard. That’s my problem. Not theirs.. Perhaps I should cut them some slack for not being perfect.  After all, would I want someone complaining about my voice or some other aspect of myself I can’t really change? No.

Finally, I take a deep breath and remind myself that being a good person means being a nice person and I do my best to find ways to resolve my anxiety without unnecessarily or negatively impacting others. This is on me, not them.

For me, a humanistic perspective helps me to stop focusing on changing others and focus instead on changing myself. And I do this, by focusing on the other person.

One of my friends defines humanism as the art of seeing yourself in the lives of others. I think that’s a really powerful concept. It’s a variation on do unto others, but deeper. I can see myself in others so I can see that this other person is fully human just like I am.  And it’s this awareness of other people are real, that changes everything.

Getting over the hurt

How do I not let people ruin my day by their hurtful words?

This is a skill that can be learned, but it takes practice.

Here's how I do it. My first response when someone is mean is to feel hurt. But as soon as I can consciously recognize I feel hurt.  I have two questions I ask myself

1) Did I do anything to trigger this?  Ie: was I being a complete jerk?  If so - I apologize and resolve to do better. If not, which is usually the case, then I move on to my 2nd question.

2) Why did the other person behaved the way they did? I can't actually answer this question. But ... thinking about what a horrid day the other person must be having to make them behave so rudely to others helps me to feel sorry for them.

I find that as soon as I start feeling sorry for them, I stop feeling bad about their hurtful words to me.  Compassion is an amazing thing. It helps you to be a better human. Be less emotionally volatile and respond in a professional compassionate and ethical way to people who aren't able to behave as they should.  In short, it will help you to not add to the sorrow in the world if you can master it.

Here's where practice comes in.  No one is able to make the switch from hurt to compassion automatically. You have to consciously choose to make that shift.  And it's hard at first. Really hard. But the more you practice, the easier switching from hurt to compassion becomes.  I can usually make that switch in about 5 to 10 seconds - depending on how hurt I was in the moment.

And if all else fails - you could imagine the mean person as John Cleese in full French knight mode yelling – “Your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberries!” Laugh and move on.

My Heart is With You

What to say instead of “I’ll pray for you.”

We non-religious have a problem. How to express sympathy and empathy without resorting to religious language.  We have this problem when someone sneezes and also when someone experiences a loss or something tragic happens.

Our problem is we want to let the person know we care about them and are wishing them well, without resorting to the standard, I’ll pray for you.  Why? Because not only do we not pray, we are also of the opinion that praying accomplishes nothing, except makes the person praying feel like they have done something constructive when they really haven’t.

So what can we say instead? I have two things I say.

The first is – My thoughts are with you. Because they are. If someone I love is experiencing something bad. I worry about them. I may not be in a position to do something constructive to help them, but that doesn't mean I’m not worried and hoping for the best, because I am. So, I’m thinking of them and/or my thoughts are with them seems like a perfectly rational thing to say – and it’s true.

The 2nd thing I sometimes say is “My heart is with you.”  Because that’s it isn't it.  It’s not just my thoughts. It’s my heart too. My heart aches and I really wish I could do something to help.

What do you say instead of “I’ll pray for you?”

How to talk to people as if they were human

3 tips to improve your interpersonal communications

The problem with being human is that we are pretty much stuck inside our own heads.  From our point of view, the world kind of revolves around us.  All interactions we experience involve us. When people talk to us, we are experiencing only our emotions and how the other person makes us feel. We may be intellectually aware of the other person’s emotions, but what concerns us most, is our own response to what is going on.

This self-centeredness interferes with interpersonal communications and relationships. Why? Because it causes us to misinterpret and misunderstand what the other person is really trying to communicate.  So here are 3 tips to help you improve your interpersonal communications by helping you learn to talk to the other person as if they were actually human.

1) Respect – the other person isn’t you. They are them. Respect their individuality and autonomy.  You don’t know exactly what they are experiencing or why they are experiencing it. If they are emotional, it may be about you, but it may not. Don’t assume you know. They may have had a bad day or gotten bad news. Don’t assume they are reacting to what you are reacting to because they aren’t. They are living in their own little world and if you respect that, you will respect them and you will improve your communications and relationships because people like to be respected. And no, this isn’t something you can fake.


2) Step Back – accept that your understanding of what is going on is flawed. You are experiencing the communication from your point of view. They are experiencing it from their point of view. It is possible to consciously step back from your point of view to actively consider the other person’s point of view. And a rather “magical” thing happens when you do that. You come to understand the other person better and the other person is more likely to feel “heard.” This will again, improve your communications and interpersonal relationships.


3) Compassion – if things are tense, accept that they are. That doesn't mean you have to be tense. In fact, if one person in a conflict de-escalates, it improves the chances that the other person will as well. So, if you find yourself getting angry, have compassion for yourself and remember, it’s OK to be angry. But will that serve you well right now? Probably not. Make a conscious choice to not be the center of the universe for a short period of time and extend your compassion to the other person. This usually helps defuse and de-escalate things, which will work to your advantage. And if it doesn't de-escalate them, because they are so wound up they can’t calm down, you won’t be part of the problem.

What does it mean to think compassionately?

4 ways compassion helps us to think better.

1) Compassion works to calm our minds so we can think more clearly. I don’t do my best thinking when I am angry or upset.  I find I think better when I am calm and actively choosing to consider my problem or adversary compassionately helps me to reduce my anger and calm my mind so that I can think clearly.

2) Compassion helps us frame our interpersonal problems in a way that helps us better solve them.  Most of our difficulties are interpersonal. Either someone is annoying us or making our lives more difficult, or we are waiting on someone to do something for us so we can move forward with whatever it is we need to do. People are problematic. I find that when I stop focusing on what I need and start remembering that this other person, as much as I find them annoying, are doing what they do because they have their own problems and issues they are attending to, helps me to not only be less frustrated, but it helps me to figure out whether I can help them and thus help myself, or whether I need to work around them entirely. Regardless, compassion for even the most annoying people helps me to solve my problems with them more effectively.

3) Compassion helps us to exercise self-control when we should. When I am facing a problem, often, the best thing for me to do is nothing. But that’s really hard to do when I’m upset or frustrated. I find that compassion helps me calm myself down and calm my fears and frustrations and this in turns helps me not act rashly so that I am less likely to do something stupid that would make my problem worse.

4) Compassion helps us to find the courage to act when we must. Robert Ingersoll talked about wielding compassion like a sword. Compassion is an interesting emotion.  It is both fierce and unyielding and calming at the same time.  It is my compassion that makes me furious about public policy that causes the death of children through institutionalized violence against poor communities. And yet, it is also my compassion that helps me to calm the anger my compassion evoked so that I can actually solve the problem effectively. Anger is a great motivator, but I always find when I remind myself of the compassion that caused my anger, it is easier to invoke my compassion to reap the benefits of self-control and a calmed mind that only compassion can provide.

What does it mean to think compassionately?  It means to actively choose to be compassionate when you are most agitated and upset. Is it easy to do? No. It takes practice. But the more you practice, the easier it gets and the improvements in your thinking and outlook are immediate. Your  assignment for this week is to spend some time thinking about how you think about compassion.

Enjoy.

Is Giving Really Better Than Receiving?

And if it is, why is it so hard to motivate ourselves to care about others?

For me, there is no doubt that I would rather give than receive. Giving is easier. It feels good and doesn't bruise my ego.  Admitting I need help is really hard to do and I resist it, even when I shouldn't.

I suspect that this aversion to being seen as weak is instinctual. My son has a physical disability that makes it hard for him to do fine motor skill tasks, like zipping up a jacket. As a result, he won’t zip his up, even when it is really cold out. Also, if he is zipped up, he won’t take off his jacket when he is inside and gets warm because his fear that when he needs his jacket again, he won’t be able to put it on properly is so great, he would rather be uncomfortable than admit that he could use some help.

I think another reason why it’s better to give rather than receive has to do with our focus. When we are receiving, our focus is on ourselves. Whenever our focus is on ourselves, we isolate ourselves from others. It is only when we focus outward on others that we are connected to others and that is a hugely important feeling to have for our emotional well-being. We are, after all, social animals.  Giving, especially giving without expectation of reciprocity (which is focusing on our own needs), connects us to others and helps us feel secure as a result. So giving in this way is far superior to receiving.

So, the question is – how can we motivate ourselves to give more, to others we don’t know and how can we be less afraid to admit when we ourselves need help?

I think the answer is to understand that by accepting help, you are allowing others to give. And the more you are willing to accept help, the easier it is to see and understand the benefits of helping others.  I don’t know if there is any research on this, but I know that the more I accept help when I truly need it and am afraid to admit it, the more my sense of gratitude compels me to give to others in need when I can.  It probably has to do with our innate sense of reciprocity and justice. Again, someone should study this dynamic.

The point is, if you are having a hard time motivating yourself to care about others, stop trying to force it.  Instead, focus on admitting to yourself that you are not an island and allow people to help you when you need it. You just may find that whatever  philosophic or emotional hurdle was preventing you from truly reaching out to others in compassion is less of a problem. It’s worth a try anyway.

It’s not helpful

Believing that everything happens for a reason isn’t helpful to people in grief.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? If so, you’re wrong. Sometimes things just happen.

Ok – true, everything does have a cause and effect. But that isn’t the reason people keep saying, everything happens for a reason. The reason people keep saying that is that they think telling people that they don’t have to grieve or feel bad because there is a bigger grander plan and “reason” why something bad just happened, will somehow make what happened less bad.

And it doesn’t work and it doesn’t help.  Sometimes things just happen. Not because of something you did and not because anything good will come out of it. Sometimes crappy things happen.

Instead of trying to tell people not to feel bad, which is a natural response to something bad happening, why not tell them how sorry you are that the bad thing happened and then offer to help them get through it.  THAT is helpful.

Mindfulness in everyday life

3 ways to be mindful in everyday life.

Humanism is not an abstract philosophy. It has real world and immediate implications for how you choose to live your life.  In order to be a truly moral person it is important to think.  The question is what should you think about and how can you think in a way that improves your life instead of causing you to get into a endless thought rut.

Here are 3 ways you can think about your everyday actions that will help you to be more mindful and to gain greater enjoyment from life at the same time.

1) Think about what is moral. Being mindful isn’t helpful if it is selfish. Think about what you are doing as a question of morality and you will automatically be more mindful. You will also feel better about who you are as an individual.

2) Start with small things. Like – do you return your shopping cart and why at the supermarket? Are you smiling and making eye contact with people at the supermarket?  Choose one thing at a time to work on that you do multiple times a week and you will find it not only effects your mood immediately, it will also become habit forming because you get to practice it often. These habits will also transfer over to other areas of your life as you experience the benefits of a more mindful approach.

3) Remind yourself to be compassionate with the jerks in your life. When we are dealing with a negative situation, our focus is often on how to defend ourselves. When you find yourself getting stressed and defensive, remind yourself to think compassionately about the person who isn’t behaving properly. Don’t insist they behave better, they aren’t capable of it and insisting that they do is part of why the conflict is persisting. Just compassionately accept that for whatever reason, they are incapable in this moment of behaving better. Forgive them and move on. This will help you feel better immediately and help you navigate these difficult situations in a way that you will feel good about instead of beating yourself up afterwards for what you could have or should have said. Feelings of compassionate eliminate that need.

If you want to learn more, consider my Humanist life skills course – Living Made Simpler. (http://humanisthappiness.com)