Showing posts with label self help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self help. Show all posts

Don't Change Just to Change

 One of my pet peeves is the self help movement. Someone is always selling something and while I admire people who want to change for the better - too much change is just too much.



What are we supposed to do now?

I live in a state where our state leadership is giving everyone whiplash. Every couple of years, they change how schools test. The result is - we have no idea if our schools are improving - or not. Why? Because we keep changing what we are testing and how we are testing. The only people who benefit from this are the companies that win the latest testing contract. 

A change in mandated testing in a state, takes a long time to implement. A change in the standards in what it being tested for in a state takes a long time to implement. The result is teachers are constantly having to redo everything. Students aren't getting consistent instruction and everyone is always in a state of - what are we supposed to do now? 

Flashy Business Bandwagons 

The same thing happens in businesses. It's admirable that leaders want to lead well. But if a leader jumps on a new bandwagon every few months and encourages their employees to jump on the same new flashy bandwagon every few months, nothing actually improves.

In fact, employees start to get whiplash and confused.  Are they supposed to be decluttering? Are they supposed to be maximizing influence?  Are they supposed to be manifesting something?  Who knows? All they know is every month or so their leader demands something new of them that is completely unrelated to the actual work they need to be doing. 

Most of these initiatives just make things more difficult. And forget about trying to advance if you don't know what the latest buzzwords for your bosses latest leadership obsession is.

Please Stop Doing This

Leadership isn't actually all that difficult. Just - help your employees. What do your employees need to get their job done better and more efficiently?  If you don't know - ask them. 

The job of a leader is to help a team accomplish their collective objectives. That's it.  Help set the direction and help your team get there.  It's like sailing a boat.  The captain is responsible for setting the direction and the crew's job is to set up the ship to actually go where the captain wants it to.

If you keep changing direction every few weeks or months and you keep changing the destination, you will never get anywhere.  You will just be sailing around in circles wondering why your crew is so frustrated with you.

Don't keep jumping on the latest leadership bandwagon. And please please please don't keep insisting your staff join you in your latest folly. 

What actually does help? 

There is a reason flash in the pan leadership trends flash in and out of fashion so quickly.  And reasons why these things aren't helpful to leading teams. 

1) Most leadership trends are just snake oil that someone is selling.  Or they are just repacked existing leadership skills rebranded to seem new.

2) Changing buzzwords and approaches too often means no one particular direction can get established.

If your team is struggling, it's probably because you are struggling. When people struggle, they do tend to grasp for anything they think might help them.  This pattern is a vicious cycle.

So, what will work?  Honestly - just be a good honest person trying to help the team accomplish their objective.  To do that, you need to be clear on what the objective is and you need to know what your team needs to accomplish that objective. It's not that hard. For the majority of organizations, this is enough. 

But what about if major change is needed?

Sometimes real change is needed in an organization. If things really aren't working than a leader may need to actually lead a change effort. Constantly changing the objectives is counter productive to real change from taking root.

My suggestion is - if you have major structural and cultural changes you need to make in your organization - learn what works to make change happen. Stop grasping at straws and the latest fad.  Learn what works according to science.

And what works is - repeated reinforcement of objectives and new cultural norms. That's it. Again - not rocket science.

If you want to learn this - check out my course/book Why is Change so Hard?  Whether you’re looking to improve your personal habits or manage change within your organization, understanding the science behind behavior change can be a game-changer. This course will teach you how to use behavioral science to manage change and achieve lasting transformation.

https://humanistlearning.com/change1/



A New Year - a New You

 Consider Humanism!


Whatever it is you don’t like that is going on in your professional or personal life – you can change it. Things don’t have to be the way they are. We can change things and make the world a better place for everyone to live if we take responsibility to do it and approach our problems using a combination of love, compassion science and reason. 

The first course I created was a course on how to live ethically and effectively as a Humanist. It is called Living Made Simpler.  https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/ This 6 hour video course will teach you all about how a Humanist goes about living a happy and fulfilling life.

If you are learning about Humanism, or even if you have been considering yourself a Humanist for a while, people have really benefited from this program.  See some of the reviews below: 

“I am finding it is giving me a greater grounding in my decision making, along with explaining my reasoning to others. … I read the bible and went through all the other major religions looking of answers as a kid, but did not realize what I was looking for was ethics, not theology, to answer my questions of why we should do things.  I did come close though, I came across Confucius, and better yet, I found Mencius who was more coherent in explaining Confucius’s ideas. But, they too lacked a structured reasoning checklist as your “Be Compassionate, Be Responsible, Be Honest”, which I now filter daily issues with. Thanks for the guidance, every much appreciated.” – Jakers

“Thank you for a most interesting course that gave me plenty to consider and a chance to rethink/confirm my own beliefs” – J. McNally, Sarasota

“Thank you for your provocative and enjoyable presentation of this basic introductory course on Humanism. Your slides and lectures were excellent and your interactive style fostered provocative class participation. I highly recommend this course. I always thought of myself as a Humanist and insights from this course gave me a lot to think about.” – G. Deutsch, Sarasota FL

“Living Simpler was definitely an interesting review of fundamental aspects of life that can benefit much from the humanist worldview,  such as ethics,  critical thinking and personal responsibility.   Weekly themes of the course were well selected and clearly presented.  I really enjoyed going through the course.” – P. Franko, Brazil

If you have been struggling in any area of your life, stepping back to think through HOW you think about your problems can be very beneficial.  So go ahead and register today.  https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

Books You Can Read in One Setting


I have a whole series of short short how to books that can be read in an hour or so.  They mostly focus on how to use behavioral science to stop bullying and interpersonal problems. 


They are all about 25 pages in length or about 7,000 words and come in paperback, ebook and audiobook form. I have:

How to Win Arguments Without Arguing: Socratic Jujitsu: https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Arguments-Without-Arguing-ebook/dp/B076PQ699R/









How to Talk to Your Child’s School about Bullying so they will actually listen and help: https://www.amazon.com/childs-school-bullying-actually-listen-ebook/dp/B01EXRTSOY






Why Conflicts Management Doesn’t’ Work When the Problem is Bullying: https://www.amazon.com/Conflict-Management-Doesn-Problem-Bullying/dp/1719409145/



Reality Based Decision Making for Effective Strategy Development: https://www.amazon.com/Reality-Decision-Effective-Strategy-Development-ebook/dp/B079NC236V/

The above books are companion books to my online courses.  If you would prefer the video - check them out here: https://humanistlearning.com/programsoffered/

Self Care

When you can’t help others, help yourself.

Compassion for self is as important as compassion for others. As Humanists we seek to live lives of personal fulfillment that aspire to the greater good of humanity. We know our meaning and purpose comes from helping others and working to benefit others.

The problem is that we can’t always help other people. Sometimes we are the ones who need help;  We all get sick. Sometimes very sick. We all have ups and downs emotionally. And sometimes there just isn’t enough fuel in the tank to help and care for others.  In those moments we need to care for themselves.

I am a mom. This means I have a kid who relies on me to provide food, clothing, shelter and emotional stability.  I am lucky that the first 3 of those are covered. Where I struggle is with emotional stability.

Struggle isn’t really the word. Most of the time it’s easy. I’m there for him.  But sometimes, I have my own anxieties and I can’t give him my full attention.  I get antsy and anxious and feel like if I have to listen to him talk about Minecraft for another moment, I’m going to burst.

It is in those moments, that to provide emotional stability for him, I have to be clear about what MY needs are.  When I do this – he knows to modulate his behavior so that I can have the head space I need for a moment. This is better for him and for me because instead of blowing up, I can calmly say – hey – this is what I need right now. He feels good that he can give back to me for a moment and I feel good that I’m teaching him self care and self advocacy through modeling.

Whether you are dealing with professional obligations or personal ones, self care is essential. Knowing what your limits are helps you to make sure that you are emotionally capable of caring for others. Taking short breaks to clear your head isn’t selfish. It’s self care. It’s what makes it so you can help others instead of being wrapped up in your own drama all the time.

So care for yourself. View it as mental maintenance to keep your brain and your body functioning so that you can do the good deeds for others you want to.

I talk about this concept more in my book: The Humanist Approach to Happiness: https://humanistlearning.com/the-humanist-approach-to-happiness-book/

And also discuss how to balance compassion for yourself with compassion for others in the course Living Made Simpler: https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

Being Beautifully Human

Tips from Self Help Gurus that resonate with me as a Humanist



Marc and Angel – they have a self-help blog that apparently has 102k readers.  Yeah – I’m a bit jealous. Anyway – they had a post – 12 rules for being beautifully human. And I loved it (http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/01/01/12-rules-for-being-beautifully-human/)   

Here is their list – for those of you too lazy to click through – you know who you are. Just be aware that they actually explain the details of all these rules and the nuance of why they included them and why they are important and why they work. Anyway – here are the rules – without the nuance.

1.  Live one day at a time.

2.  Be OK with not being OK all the time.

3.  Earn the best days of your life.

4.  When your intuition begs you to listen, listen.

5.  Look within for the answers you seek.

6.  Dare to challenge the status quo.

7.  Work hard when hard work is required.

8.  Appreciate your blessings.

9.  Use your voice to support the truth.

10.  Practice kindness with an open mind.

11.  Nurture your important relationships.


12.  Let life guide you.

Everything will be alright


Why clearing the mind of clutter is so essential to progress.



There is a common thread that runs through the writings of activists across the globe. And that is that before they could really take on the root cause of the problems they were facing, they first had to free their own minds and decide for themselves what was right and what was wrong outside of what the social, religious or cultural norms were.

It is surprisingly hard to do. Most people are able to challenge only a portion of their preconceived notions and so their focus of change is narrow. Those who succeed often become great agents of change because they see how all the various forms of discrimination are interrelated. Discrimination comes from the same place even if the target is different.

Humanism and Freethought help clear the clutter out of our minds. But not everyone is willing to clear out everything. They are rightly concerned about being left adrift. After all, once you clear away the clutter, you usually go back and put some of the old stuff back in because, as it turns out, it was useful.

Many people approach self-reflection fearfully. A Humanist makes self-reflection a habit of the mind. We are continually challenging our assumptions. Our goal is to continue to improve ourselves and the world we live in. The benefits of clearing out the clutter of our minds are so great; we can’t imagine living life any other way. 

How do we nurture Freethought and clearing the mind, even if it is on a small scale? How can we reassure people who need to take this journey that it will be ok and that they will emerge on the other side of this stronger and more centered as a human being?

Think about how you feel

In order to be a force for good in the world, you have to be able to translate your emotions into rational thought. It isn't easy and that is why Humanists spend so much time learning how to think critically.


We humans have a problem. And that is, in order to solve our problems well, we have to think. The problem is that we usually don’t think well because we aren’t just thinking beings, we are also feeling beings.  We don’t just think rational thoughts, we also feel our sometimes rather irrational emotions.

Despite the difficulties, Humanists strive to integrate our emotions with our critical thinking so that our problem solving with do justice to both our emotions and our ability to think clearly and critically.  Let me break this down for you on how this works.

Critical thinking helps us solve our problems. However, compassion helps us improve our interpersonal relationships. Being ethical infuses our lives with meaning and purpose.  The thing is, in order to be compassionate, you have to think about being compassionate. In order to be ethical, you have to think about being ethical. To ensure your problem-solving is guided by your good emotions, you have to think.

The desire to be good is the easy part. Thinking well is the hard part, which is why, we Humanists spend so much time focusing on learning to think well. Because it is only when we think well that we can properly harness our emotions.

What do you struggle with the most when it comes to controlling or harnessing your emotions?

Plan for your sin


I am not a believer in the religious concept of sin. Though I do think there is a secular value in the word “sin.” It implies not simply that something is wrong, but that to do it will be to cause problems. And certainly, most things that are considered sinful have the potential to cause us problems.

Regardless, I was doing a radio show a while back on religious attitudes towards sex. I was the secular voice basically saying, enjoy yourself, just take care to not cause any harm while you do so. One of the female pastors who came on before me said something that stuck with me though. This was a black preacher and she said that one of the reasons the white community has fewer problems is because they plan for their sin better.  Specifically, she was referring to the fact whites use condom more and so experience fewer problems that are associated with unprotected sex like disease transmission and unplanned pregnancies.

 I loved this idea of planning for your sin. From a Humanist perspective, it isn’t that sex is inherently sinful. That’s a nonsense idea to us. However, we do understand that all of our actions have consequences and we should plan for those consequences to maximize the good and minimize the harm.

The idea that you can plan for your sin is actually a Humanistic idea. It is rooted in the idea of human agency, that we humans have the capability to choose our actions and therefore, to a certain extent, choose our consequences. We aren’t victims of fate, we can, in fact, plan for our sin, though I prefer to think of it as accentuating the positive and eliminating the negative.

The Man in the Mirror


Michael Jackson was a man of many talents. One of my favorite songs of his was “Man In the Mirror.”
The lyrics are really wonderful.
“I’m starting with the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways. And no message could have been any clearer. If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change.”
Sounds like Humanism to me.

If we want to make the world a better place we first have to start with our assumptions about ourselves. What are we capable of? What do we want to accomplish? What are we responsible for? Until we can answer those questions, we can’t hope to create the change we would like to see in society.

Challenge yourself first. Only then can you challenge the world.

The starting point of problem solving – reality


The more effectively you solve your problems, the more successful you are going to be. This is why Humanists are so adamant about the importance of critical thinking. We know that in order to solve our problems we have to understand what is really causing them. Reality really matters.

The starting point of problem solving for a Humanist is to do a reality check.  It is always amazing how many people skip this step. They just assume they know what is happening, whether it is an interpersonal problem or a matter of physics.  A Humanist on the other hand, does not assume. They double check to see if their assumptions are valid or not BEFORE starting to work on problem solving. I think the famous Humanist Albert Einstein once said that if he had 1 hour to solve a problem he would spend 50 minutes properly defining the problem and 10 minutes solving it.

If you want to problem solve successful, take your cue from the Humanists. Understand and properly define your problem first so that you know you are solving your real problem and so that you don’t waste your time solving problems you don’t really have.umHuhUMAN

Are you content?


Wouldn't it be nice to answer yes to that question? If you don’t, let me answer it for you, yes it is. Most of the time I feel like I exist in a state of stupid happy contented bliss. Not all the time obviously, but a lot. More than average I suspect. And no, I don’t achieve that state through drugs. I get there naturally. Here is how I do it.

I set aside time every day to reflect on who I am, what I want, why I want it, what I already have and more. I use my quiet reflection time to think about the people I live who I am really glad they are in my life, and what all is good in my life and the fact that yeah, despite it all, I am pretty happy and content. Life isn’t perfect, but it doesn’t need to be. Call it meditation if you like, but I am a firm believer that if you don’t take time to reflect, you won’t find time to be content.

Another thing I do is I define success in a personal way as opposed to a material way. What I mean by this is that if you define success by having a certain job, or a certain amount of money or a certain object, you are never going to be content. Those are things. They don’t bring happiness. If, instead, you define success by whether or not you are living up to your potential as a human being and/or whether you have good relationships, those are things you can accomplish regardless of what else you have going on.

The final thing I do to achieve contentment is to actively and intentionally practice compassion. When we are thinking of ourselves and focused on our wants and needs, which are many, we isolate ourselves within our own heads. However, when we consider other people with compassion, we not only behave better, we also feel connected to other people. The way to get rid of that feeling of being alone in the universe is to feel compassion. It’s the reason every major religion and philosophy throughout history teaches compassion.

So there you have it. Reflect on happiness, make personal happiness your goal, and practice compassion with everyone you meet.  


If you would like to learn more about how prioritizing your ethics can not only make your life easier but happier and more fulfilling, check out my 6 week course - Living Made Simpler.

This course teaches you how to transform your life by making being the best most ethical person you can be a priority. You will be amazed at how much easier life is when you make ethics a priority.

Topics covered include how to make better decisions, how to improve your interpersonal relationships and how to infuse your life with meaning and purpose.

Feel compassion for those who lack compassion


Adding to the anger and negativity of the world doesn't help you or anyone else feel better. Reach out to others with compassion
From time to time, we all run across people who seem to lack compassion. They just don’t seem to care what other people are going through or the negative impact they are having on others.  It is heartbreaking to watch people who are so angry.  It is also incredibly difficult to be on the receiving end of their negativity.

This is why I am always advocating that we find compassion, even for those people who lack compassion. The truth is, you have no idea what brought this person to this point. You don’t know if they have a brain disease that is interfering with their normal brain processes. You don’t know if they are neuro-atypical and so have trouble accessing the emotion compassion.  So don’t assume you do.

This doesn’t mean you should allow them to negatively impact you. It just means how you go about protecting yourself will be motivated by your compassion for them as opposed to your anger towards them.   And that difference makes all the difference in the world.

Adding to the anger and negativity of the world doesn’t help you or anyone else feel better. Reaching out in compassion to those who lack compassion will help you feel better and may just help the other person as well. And isn’t that better than allowing their negativity to consume you? 

Help Isn't Coming


Back in August, the Harvard Business Review had an article about how to take ownership of your actions by taking responsibility for them. (http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2012/08/take_ownership_of_your_actions.html )  The article quotes According to the article taking responsibility is the first step to developing a healthy sense of self and that we internalize the idea of taking responsibility when we realize, "no one is coming." It turns out that this is a liberating concept. Help is not coming. The responsibility is yours.

Instead of waiting for someone else to save you, decide to save yourselfI am a Humanist so I agree completely with this assessment. Help isn’t coming in material or spiritual form. If we are going to solve our problems, we need to make it our responsibility to do so.  Instead of panicking that no one will save you, a Humanist accepts the responsibility that knowing no one is coming entails. The best part is that once we start fixing our own problems, people come to help us. It is often just getting ourselves over the hurdle of waiting for someone else to fix our problems that holds us back.  And yes, this is not just a liberating concept, it’s an empowering one. 

The article concludes by saying, “In a world where problems are getting more complex, determined and innovative problem-solving will flow from those who live as if help is not coming. Living with responsibility can make us stronger and more action-oriented individuals. It's up to you to make change and take responsibility for outcomes in your professional life. What are you waiting for?”

Well, what are you waiting for?

Compassion for others lead to compassion for self


Image courtesy of 
FreeDigitalPhotos.net
When dealing with difficult people it is really easy to feel sorry for yourself and wallow.  Wallowing is sometimes a necessary self-indulgence and something that we all need to do at some point.  The problem is that self-indulgent wallowing isn’t going to help you solve your problem

The common advice given to keep you from needing to wallow in the first place is to feel good about yourself so that the negativity other people direct at you doesn’t affect you. This is obviously very hard to do.  Most people would rather feel sorry for themselves.

I take a different approach. Rather than trying to make yourself feel better, I encourage people to feel sorry for the person who is being mean to them. The reason is because the more compassion you can muster up for others, the more compassion you can muster up for yourself.

So, the next time you find yourself confronted by someone who is trying to demean you, try feeling sorry for them. When you forgive people for not being perfectly wonderful, you will find that you can forgive yourself for not being perfect all the time either.

Coolness


Image: chrisroll / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
My son is in kindergarten. He is concerned about whether he is cool or not. It seems some of the older kids think they are cool. But he doesn’t think they are. Mostly because the kids who keep going on about being cool aren’t very nice. They think they are superior, and they clearly aren’t. I mean, let’s face it. If you should be in 1st grade, but you are sitting in a kindergarten class. You aren’t all that cool.

I’ve told my son that cool people are cool because they are calm and cool when upsetting things happen. They don’t get hot, they remain cool. So being who you are, despite pressure to be “cool” is cool. Being obsessed with being cool isn’t cool. Cool people don’t obsess. They are too cool and calm to obsess.

I’ve assured him he is one of the coolest kids I’ve ever met and that pretty much every single adult who has ever met him is impressed with him and thinks he is cool. And a big part of that is because he is genuinely very nice. He seemed pleased by this reassurance.

The other day, he was talking to me about one of his friends. He said, “You know what comes with friendship?  Coolness.” I thought to myself, you couldn’t be more right. 

Advice for Life


  • Be the best most ethical person you can be. Living a happy and fulfilling life means living intentionally. So choose to be the best person you can be and then commit to being that person.

  • Be compassionate with everyone you meet, even the jerks. The more you can replace frustration and anger with compassion, the happier you are going to be and the more you will be able to respond to the challenges of life in the way you know you should, with grace and poise.

  • Always remember, your actions have consequences so choose your actions wisely.
Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net


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