Today is going to be a good day

How a change in perspective can make all the difference in the world.

It’s Good Friday, but I’m a Humanist, so the religious implications of the day mean pretty much nothing to me.  I do however LOVE the name of this holiday. Good Friday. It implies that it’s going to be a good day. And that’s a good thing. Isn’t it?

Life would be wonderful if it was filled with good days. But I suspect that most of us would be grateful if we managed to have a Good Friday now and again. Which begs the question, how does one go about having a good day?

To me, a good day is one where I feel good, pretty much all day. Nothing major happens bad or good. Just, life goes on as it should. There are people in my life I care about, who I can spend time with. I eat good food and have time to enjoy it. I get to notice nature and appreciate it and the fact that I am alive.

As I write this list I realize that almost everything in my list is within my control. Am I a good enough person to attract good people to me? Am I appreciating my life in the present? Do I notice my food or the weather and appreciate it for what it is? The more I make that a habit, the more I see my days as pretty darned good over all.

As I have gotten older, I have come to realize. Most days are pretty boring. Nothing much happens out of the ordinary. There are just a myriad of little details that need to be attended to and a myriad of little aggravations that have to be worked around. I no longer let those bother me. They are just part of the business of being alive. I don’t need to get worked up over them.

So stop waiting to have a good day and start appreciating the days you already have, actively. Take a moment every day to appreciate the fact that you are alive and that you can feel the wind on your skin and the pull of gravity. As far as I am concerned, any day I am alive and able to experience life is a good day, even when it’s not.

What makes you feel glad to be alive?

The Power of What If

How to harness the power of your imagination to help make the world a better place

Normally Humanists are very reality based. We know that in order to solve our problems, we need to confront the reality of them. However, in order to solve our problems we need to be creative. We need to consider alternative possibilities. We need to ask ourselves what if things were different.

There is a tremendous amount of power in this simple question. Asking ourselves “What If” allows us to dream fabulous dreams and it is these dreams that give us the motivation to keep reaching for the future.

One of the reasons Humanism is so hard to describe is because at all times, it requires balance. It is never just one thing, like futurism. Humanism actually encourages us to find the balance between realism and futurism.  And it is precisely this balance that Blaise Pascal alluded to when he said:

“A man does not show his greatness by being at one extremity, but rather by touching both at once.” 

Another thing the question “What If” allows us to do, is it allows us to doubt. What if we are wrong? What if there is another reason why things are happening? What if there is another way to solve the problem? A better way perhaps? Without doubt, there can be no progress.

What If” allows us to question the immorality of the present. What if there were no slavery? What if the color of our skin or our gender didn’t matter? What if no one starved to death? These are powerful questions to ask! Because once we start thinking how nice it would be if no one starved to death, we start thinking about how we might accomplish that.

Most importantly “What If” allows us to overcome the inertia that sets in when we realize that the task ahead of us may be too great and that we will probably fail. Because it is only when we ask ourselves “what if” we are wrong? “What if” we could succeed? When we think that question, we realize we have a moral obligation to try.  

What questions do you ask yourself to get and stay motivated and positive? 

The Value of Being Humanistic in Business

Turning work into joy by making real human connections.

Malcom Levene wrote an article for the Huffington Post about the value of being Humanistic in Business – see link here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/malcolm-levene/being-human_b_752786.html  It’s a great essay. In it, he quotes Abraham Maslow:

"The fact is that people are good, give people affection and security, and they will give affection and be secure in their feelings and their behavior."

The point of the essay is that by being real and genuine when you deal with other people, you encourage them to do the same. When you are willing to do this you find that a weight has been lifted that you didn’t even know you were carrying. That you were acting in ways that weren’t natural because of expectation to fit in.

When we give ourselves the freedom to be, we find better connections with others who are so relieved to not have to pretend to be anyone other than who they are, they respond with joy. Transactions go from being about what I can get out of this to we are all in this together because we are both real humans just trying to do right by each other.

Granted, it’s not as easy as this because, in real life, there are some very bad people in the world that you have to protect yourself from. However, Levene is not advocating that we trust others without reserve; he does say you need to learn to say no sometimes so that your yeses have more impact. What he is saying is that don’t assume everyone you meet is out to get you. Most are just like you, insecure and scared. If you can break past the fear to find those good people, you can get to a place of trust that is worth the risk.

To me, as I think about my understanding of Humanism, I come back to the concept that each of us are individuals. It is wrong to make assumptions about people because often those assumptions are negative. When we actively remind ourselves to consider the positives, we can make those connections that we so desperately want and need to make as humans. And like everything else, that requires us to overcome our fears. Yes, sometimes we will get burned. But sometimes, the result is an amazing friendship.

Is this something you struggle with?  I think we all do to a certain extent. I know that even though I am natural quite shy, I have been able to conquer that to a certain extent by reminding myself to take a chance on someone. How do you overcome your insecurities about other people?

Who We Are vs. Who We Should Be

How accepting our flaws can help us to become better people. What can a better understanding of human nature teach us about enlightenment?

There is a wonderful website – RSA – The Royal Society for the encouragement of the Arts, Manufacturing and Commerce, which at first blush seems like a weird combination of things to be encouraging. They recently changed their motto to Encouraging a 21^st Century Enlightenment.

To support this change, they created a wonderfully philosophic video about the need to reassert the ethical dimension of Humanism.  In other words, we need to not just ask about how to progress, but whether any given advance is moral or not. How do we determine what is right and what is wrong?

To do this we need to have a better understanding of who we are as humans, who we need to be, and more importantly, who we should aspire to be. To even begin that exploration, we need to have a better understanding of human nature. It is only when we understand and accept our instincts that we are able to transcend them instead of being controlled by them.

Most enlightened individuals realize that while individualism is on the whole a good thing, when taken to an extreme, it is bad not just for the individual, but to the society in which they live, meaning the rest of us.  What we should be striving for is a more enlightened self-aware socially embedded model of autonomy. We aren’t individuals going it alone. We are individuals who are mutually dependent on each other and so we ought to act in such a way that benefits not only ourselves, but the communities in which we live, because that benefits us as well.

The difficulty is that this requires us to balance our needs as individuals with the needs of our communities and the needs of the global society in which we now live. We humans are notoriously bad at finding a good balance. For me, Humanism is a reminder that I have a moral obligation to find that balance. Being a good person means not being selfish, but not subjugating myself to others either.

So, what do you think of this video? Anything you would like to add or comment on?

Feeling Compassion for People you Hate

How it is not only possible to find compassion for people you hate, but why doing so can actually help you respond better.

The other day I was tweeted by none other than Shirley Phelps of The Westboro Baptist Church. She was responding to a tweet I had done about bullying. As a Humanist, progressive and liberal, I don’t care for the Westboro Baptist Church or their tactics. I thought her comment was interesting, but off topic. I was more tickled that I had been noticed than anything else. I mean, this is a woman who is notorious as is her church.

As I was trying to figure out whether or not to respond to her I realized, she only has a few hundred followers on twitter. Her posts aren’t horrid rants, she is mostly complaining about celebrities using foul language and that sort of thing and defending her church.  She struck me as rather human.  While I don’t believe what she does and I don’t agree with her tactics, she clearly cares passionately about it and most definitely thinks she is doing good by helping people to wake up by being intentionally offensive.

I realized she isn’t the caricature that she is made out to be.  All I could think was how sad it is that she is so panicked as a result of her theology that all she and her church can do is rant. She isn’t someone who should be demonized. She is a human, who has chosen to be rude and antagonistic to complete strangers in their times of grief as a way to spread her theological beliefs.  The media attention the WBC gets is really just a way for us to make fun of the village idiot. It isn’t a nice thing to do to anyone. We should not be making a media circus out of their antics.

My heart wants to reach out to her and tell her, there is a better way. But there isn’t really anything I can do to help her. As I was thinking about possible responses to her I realized something important. At the heart of the disagreement I have with her and the WBC is that she is certain that all we have to do is obey God’s will for us in an Uncle Tom passive sort of way.  In other words, suffering is noble. As a Humanist, I don’t believe suffering is noble. I believe that we have the ability and responsibility to try to make things better, not just for ourselves, but for everyone. If there is a God, surely It must want us to help ourselves and to correct injustice.

The lesson in all of this is that by considering someone who stands for the opposite of what I work so hard to promote as a real human, I didn’t do something stupid, or mean or ill thought out. I took the time to think about whether or not to respond and what if anything good might come out of it, not just for me, but for her as well.  It seems to me that if we all took the time to think of our adversaries with compassion, perhaps there would be a little less fighting.

Saving Time

You can’t save time, you can only spend it. How can you make sure you spend your time wisely?

In honor of the time change yesterday, I thought I would dedicate this post to the concept of time. Specifically, saving time.  Most of us have too much to do and not enough time to do it in.  Having a time turner would be nice, but it wouldn’t solve our problem. We would just be spending even more time and be even more exhausted.

My favorite quote on this topic is from the Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff:

“The main problem with this great obsession for saving time is very simple: you can't save time. You can only spend it. But you can spend it wisely or foolishly.”

I have always found this quote helpful. Instead of thinking of ways to save time, I need to focus on how to use my time wisely and effectively.  Why, because trying to save time rarely works. It usually results in a lot of wasted time that could have been better spent.

My son is 7 and is learning how to write. Well, how to write legibly so that others can understand what he has written.  He is capable of writing beautifully when he slows down enough to focus on writing properly.

Most of the time though he just rushes through his work to get it done quickly so he can move on to something else that is more interesting to him.  The problem is that by rushing, he actually takes more time to do the task. Why? Because he makes so many mistakes and his work is so messy, we end up erasing the entire thing and making him start again.

The lesson he needs to learn is counter intuitive. By slowing down and taking the time to do it right, he actually spends less time on the task than if he rushes through it.  He also does better work. Slow and steady gets the job done.

My aunt agrees: http://humanisthappiness.blogspot.com/2012/07/slow-down-you-move-too-fast.html

Do you have a tendency to rush things? How do you remind yourself to slow down?

7 steps to ethical and effective problem solving

It doesn’t matter how well intentioned you are. If you can’t solve your problems effectively, you may be doing more harm than good. Having a system to solve your problems will help ensure you problem solve effectively.

The University of Pittsburgh has a great website dedicated to effective problem solving.  They list 7 steps that are critical to proper problem solving.  Here is a link to their website: http://www.pitt.edu/~groups/probsolv.html

What I find interesting is that these are the same steps that are followed when using a critical thinking approach to problem solving. And these are the same steps I teach my clients.

Here are the 7 main steps and why they are important:

• Define and Identify the Problem  - If you don’t know what problem you are trying to solve or if you try to solve the wrong problem you won’t be successful. Find out what the facts are and not only develop a statement about what exactly the problem is you are trying to solve, but what your goal is in solving it.

• Analyze the Problem – Don’t assume you know what is causing the problem. Do your research and find out if your assumptions are valid or not. This is what freethought, skepticism and science is all about.

• Identifying Possible Solutions  - make a list of possible solutions. Don’t assume there are only a couple of solutions available. Brainstorm, make a list, think outside the box, but don’t limit your potential by liming your list of possible solutions. (the website lists several methods to develop the list – and it is worth reading through!)

• Evaluating Solutions – what are the pros and cons of each proposed solution, will this really solve our problem, or make it worse.

• Selecting the Best Solution – After evaluating your possible solutions and ranking them as you need to choose the one you think  has the best chance of success that will help you accomplish the goal you set in task 1.  If none of the solutions will work, you need to re-evaluate how you defined the problem and go back to step one taking into account what you have learned through this process. No, this isn’t a pain, it is what is sometimes required if you want to actually solve your problem.

• Develop an Action Plan – what tasks need to be done, who will do them, when do they need to be done, what could go wrong and how will you get around problems, who can help you, or can you do it yourself?

• Implement the Solution - Now that you have a plan – get to it and start implementing it. If you need to change it, do so, but if you don’t take action, the problem isn’t going to get solved.  There ain’t nothing to it but to do it.

  

Which part of the process do you have the most trouble with?  I know that I take extra time to make sure I define my problem properly. If I can get that step right, everything else seems to follow. Albert Einstein said that he spent 90% of his problem solving on that step as well. Do you agree? What do you think is the hardest or most important part of problem solving? 

10 Happiness Tips

10 things scientists have learned about the science of happiness.

It isn’t so much that I doubt that there is an afterlife (though I’m pretty sure this life is all I get), it is more that even if there is an afterlife, if I don’t live this life fully, what business do I have wishing for another one. The way I see it, even if there is an afterlife, I should still do this life justice by living it fully and happily. 

This is a recurring theme for pretty much every Humanist I have ever met. We are pretty convinced this life is all we get so we aren’t going to waste it. We are going to embrace it and experience it fully.

The real question is, how to make the best of it. Life is hard and difficult. How do we keep from falling into despair? More importantly, how do we appreciate and find happiness with our life, such as it is. 

It turns out that scientists have turned their attention to the topic of happiness and what contributes to happiness. Humanists are inclined to favor a scientific viewpoint as at least having some research and evidence for it. Yes! published a list of 10 things scientists say will help make you happy: http://www.yesmagazine.org/issues/sustainable-happiness/10-things-science-says-will-make-you  I love this list as it reflect quite a bit of what I teach. It’s always nice when science backs you up.

For those of you who don’t like to click through the links – here is what the list is

1. Savor the moment. Not all the time, but make sure to take the time now and again to pause and appreciate what is happening or reflect on the little things that bring you joy.  Happiness is something that occurs during reflection so this is important.
2. Avoid comparing yourself to others. I write about this in my book The Humanist Approach to Happiness. Don’t keep up with the Joneses. You will go broke trying and you can’t buy happiness anyway.
3. Value something other than money. Money is important but if you judge your self-worth through what you own, your self-worth is very shallow. Have more depth to who you are and how you define yourself.
4. Goals: Having something to work towards is essential. Doesn’t matter what it is, just have something you are working towards. It will give you a reason to get up in the morning.
5. Initiative – Taking responsibility to get things done feels good. Take the initiative, don’t wait for others to take the lead.
6. Relationships – we are social animals and we need other people to feel secure. Nurture close relationships and treat them well. A bunch of shallow friends don’t give you the same benefits that close friends and family do.
7. Smile: Even when you are feeling down, if you take the time to think of something positive you can refocus your energy into doing something productive to fix your problem, which is way better than wallowing endlessly.
8. Gratitude: Feelings of happiness occur most often during reflection. By reflecting on those things that you are grateful for, you a) remind yourself of what is positive in your life and you give yourself an opportunity to feel happy at the same time.
9. Exercise – health benefits, feel good endorphins, a sense of accomplishment that you actually got your fat ass off the couch – yeah – use your body for good. Get out an exercise.
10. Altruism – Volunteer, donate, make it a habit and a practice. Getting what is known as a helper’s high is well worth it.

What do you to do experience more happiness in your life? Do you have any rituals? Any simple task that you find joy in? Do you agree with this list? 

Balancing Introversion with Charisma

Why a little bit of introversion may help you better relate to others

I taught a course back in December and one of the students was curious to know how her fellow Humanists taking the course scored on the Myer-Briggs test. I scored as an INTJ (introverted, intuition, thinking and judgment) others were INFP’s (Feeling and perception), what was interesting is we were all, on balance introverted.

Now, obviously, we should take any Myers-Briggs test with a grain of salt. I think the value in it is not in its accuracy, but in how it helps us think about the positive attributes that people who aren’t like us bring to the table.

Regardless, there was a wonderful essay by Ram Bansal about how to be more charismatic. (see: http://pleasures-of-living.blogspot.com/2012/12/improve-upon-your-charisma.html) Ram is a Humanist by the way. One of the things he says is that being about 60% introverted and 40% extroverted helps us to be more charismatic.

Here is his reasoning. Introverts don’t suck up all the air in a room. They make space for other people to be, and this helps other people feel more secure and drawn to the introvert. As Ram Bansal says, introversion “makes the person to have an inclination towards thoughtfulness and intellectualism. His/her quality of extroversion would provide him/her courage to face the world squarely and project him/herself boldly.”

Like everything, this is about getting the balance right. Being too much of an introvert would prevent us from interacting well with others. But being too much of an extrovert means we are too focused on ourselves to truly notice other people. I think the key to getting the balance right is to understand that introversion helps us to be thoughtful of our impact on others. Being thoughtful helps improve our relationships with others because it keeps our competing interests in balance.

While I do believe that a certain amount of introversion and extroversion is nature based, I also believe we can adjust our levels of introversion and extroversion through active nurture (ie: practice). I know that I used to be incredibly shy and am now considered an extrovert by almost everyone, even though I consistently test as an introvert. My mother is the same way and changed how she acts simply by deciding to practice being more extroverted (or at least that is the story she told me as she encouraged me to be more outgoing and courageous).

I know that, for me, I am at my best when I actively think about and choose how out there or introverted I want or should be in any given situation. I find the courage to put myself out there by accepting that I might get the social situation completely wrong and come off as a complete dork. Happens a lot actually. But what keeps me going is that just as often, I get the balance right. I am able to make good friends by being extroverted. I am able to give people the space to be who they are by being more introverted. And I feel good about that.

So, the big question is: am I the only person who has to actively think about how extroverted or introverted I am? Do any of you actively think about how you are going to act? How do you convince yourself to be more extroverted and how do you convince yourself to take a back seat so that others can shine?