To Accept Yet Dissuade

How to balance debate between understanding and disagreement so that learning actually takes place.

Humanists love to debate. It is an opportunity to flex our mind muscles and to learn and think more rigorously. When done right, debate is an opportunity for us to learn and to think different and to perhaps even change our minds.

All too often, debate is used as a tool of anger and frustration. This is especially true when the stakes are high as they are when we debate public policy. Instead of debate, what we get is arguments for and against that are not designed to enlighten but to persuade and win.  This is why so many people choose to demonize people who disagree with them.  It is easier to consider your debate opponent as inhumane than to concede they might have a valid point.

When discussing this difficulty in an online class I recently taught, one of the students, Phillip said the following, “To accept yet dissuade... Delicate politics I yet still learn! While I try to understand all it is sometimes difficult to know how others come to understand or exactly what background led to their beliefs.”

Despite my professed desire as a Humanist to not make assumptions about the motives of other people, I still fail at this at times. There is the ideal about how I should act and the reality of how I do when challenged or frustrated. The question is how we can respond to disagreement in a way that is consistent with our ideals. How can we habitualize rational debate and disagreement without letting our egos get the better of us?

Personal experience and research shows us that understanding and accepting that the person you disagree with has reasons for holding the views they do helps us focus on them as individuals rather than on the points they are trying to make. The benefit to this approach is that it helps us focus on the real problem this person is concerned with as opposed to the superficial issues they are actually debating. When we make it our responsibility to find out what those reasons are, we at least fulfill our obligation to learn from debate even if our opponent does not.

Accepting that you can’t force people to change their minds, allow you to focus on whether or not you are learning from the debate as you should be.

Do you have any stories about a debate or disagreement that changed the tone and nature of the debate simply because you stepped back from your ego? Please share if you do.

There is no “Law” of Attraction

I like to think of this post as positive thinking for people who don't believe in the magical powers of positive thinking. The universe doesn’t magically send things you wish for to you. Here are 3 reasons why you should be positive and optimistic anyway.

There is no “Law” of Attraction. It is not a physical or natural law. It is more like a wish: a wish that if you just wish hard enough, the universe will provide for you. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but there is no physical mechanism by which the universe can grant your wishes. You can’t bring more positive things to you by being more positive. Your energy doesn’t “flow” into the universe. And you can’t bring negativity upon yourself just by thinking negative thoughts.

However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be positive and optimistic or that you shouldn’t make an effort to control your negative thoughts. There are some really good rational and pragmatic reasons why being optimistic and positive can help you.

• Feeling optimistic, even if irrationally so, feels way better than feeling negative. Depression is a real brain state and it can really negatively impact an individual’s ability to function. For this reason, happier thoughts are preferred as they help us feel motivated to tackle life’s problems. And that’s a good thing.  The problem is that unrestrained optimism is just as bad as unrestrained pessimism, which is why the manic phase of bi-polar disorder isn’t something to celebrate. The goal is to be realistically optimistic and realistically happy as a result.

•  Being optimistic helps us to think about the future is a positive way. This is important because we can’t work towards a goal we don’t have. Goals are important. They give us meaning and purpose in our lives, and that helps us feel connected and motivated. There is nothing magical about this. It’s an essential element of planning for a better future. One of the hallmarks of a Humanist mindset is that we refuse to accept the status quo when the status quo sucks. So think about how things might be better and then start working towards it.

• Positive thinking is motivated thinking. In order to tackle the challenges of life, you have to have some belief that you will succeed. Otherwise there is no point in trying. The fact that we may not succeed shouldn’t stop us from dreaming and thinking about how we can improve. Humanism is a philosophy of human agency, which is the belief that humans can actively work to create change in our world. And that because we can create change, we have a responsibility to try. Again, we acknowledge that we might be wrong and that we might not succeed, but we are committed to trying anyway. Why? Because what if we are wrong and we can succeed? The only way to know is to try so we refuse to give in to pessimism, even if that pessimism is realistic. We feel that there is value in striving.

Like anything, positive thinking can be a force for good or it can be misused. The key is to be rational and realistic about it and to not fall prey to the temptation of magical thinking. But neither should we fall prey to a cynical pessimism masquerading as skepticism. There are practical reasons why we should cultivate a positive attitude in life.

How do you maintain your optimism despite life’s challenges? How do you keep your optimism and skepticism in balance?

The Serious Business of Frivolity.

How the simple knock knock joke can help you exercise your mind and help you to become cleverer at the same time.

We like knock knock jokes, not because they are funny, but because they are clever.  I had this realization the other day when my 7 year old son was asking me why I was laughing at one of his jokes. I realized, it wasn’t because it was funny. I was laughing because it was clever.

Knock Knock jokes only work when they are based on a good pun or if they so completely break the rules that we are amused. In both instances it is the cleverness that amuses us. Or more specifically, we are surprised by the cleverness and so start laughing.

Coming up with a good knock knock joke is actually quite difficult because coming up with good puns is hard to do. My son is still grappling with this so his knock knock jokes are only occasionally funny, which is why he was asking me why I had laughed at one of them. He wanted to know so he could come up with more like that. It’s all part of the learning process.

To write a good knock knock joke, takes time and effort and a good deal of thinking. Like anything, the more you practice, the better you get at it and the easier they are to write.

Yes, writing knock knock jokes is a frivolous waste of time. That’s exactly the point. It is a fun and difficult task for your brain and is therefore good exercise for the brain. If you want to be more clever, you need to start practicing. Knock knock jokes are as good a place to start as any and a good deal more fun that other more serious forms of brain exercise.  This might be why Humanists love telling jokes.

So, let’s have them. Give me your favorite knock knock joke. Or your favorite pun based joke. And be honest, did you make it up or steal it from someone else? Either is fine with me as long as I get a good laugh out of them!

Keeping Love Alive

4 tips to help you keep your relationship loving and emotionally fulfilling.

My mother once told me that the secret to a good marriage is when both partners put the wellbeing of their spouse above their own needs. This arrangement only works if both parties feel the same way. Otherwise, one partner will subordinate themselves to the needs of the other and that wouldn’t be good or equal.

However, there is a lot in this advice that does work and will help to enhance your romantic relationships over the long haul that is marriage.

•      Focus on your spouse not yourself. It is very easy to get stuck inside our own heads. What we are worried about or dealing with. It is therefore very easy to forget that our spouse has their own issues and concerns and problems that they are dealing with. By remembering to focus on your spouse, you actively become a helper to them instead of just a taker. You know you like it when your spouse pays attention to you in a really deep way, so do the same for them. This will bring you closer and give you both an appreciation for who the other person is and why you married them in the first place.

•   It’s the little things. I knew my husband loved me when we were dating and he was so concerned about me being sick that he offered to come over and clean my litter boxes for me. He didn’t want me breathing in kitty litter dust when I was fighting a respiratory infection. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you need a grand gesture of love to feel appreciated. Pay attention to the little ways your spouse watches out for your wellbeing. That is how true love is shown. Do the same for them. Make sure to do one little thing a day that shows your spouse that you care.

• Touch. Love is also shown through touch. How often do you hold your spouse’s hand? How often do you hug them just because? Life gets busy and can get in the way of affectionate touch. Taking care of children, doing chores, they all take time and leave us with few opportunities to touch each other affectionately. As a result, many couples only end up only touching each other sexually. And while that is important, it doesn’t necessarily contribute to feelings of love. Make sure to touch your spouse lovingly every day. You will be glad you did. Touch binds us together. Don’t neglect that part of your relationship.

• Celebrate your spouse. It is very easy to take our spouses for granted. After all, there are there all the time and their good qualities are why we married them. It is their annoying habits that bother us. The best way to get your spouse to give you more of their best and less of their worst is to celebrate what they do that is good. Thank them for their good behavior and they will do more of it. Yes, this is like training an animal, but you know what – we are animals. You respond the same way. Use this knowledge this power for good and celebrate your spouse’s good qualities will help your love thrive.

 What are ways you keep the love alive in your relationship?