How to keep going when the going gets tough

I was asked by reporter to share one of the most difficult decisions I had to make, this past year. My answer: whether to keep the company going or not.

I'm not going to lie, the last couple of years have been tough. My ability to concentrate on the work has ebbed and flowed and different times. I don't feel like I've been as effective as I have wanted to be. And the pandemic? Well, I've wanted to just - escape. As I think most people have.

The reality is, we are living through a global pandemic. And our primary job in a pandemic is to survive the pandemic. The instinct to insulate the family and just withdraw, is a protective instinct. It's healthy actually.

The problem is, that instinct is at odds with running a company with requires, not withdrawal, but engagement.  Finding the will to stay engaged has been really tough for me.

I have ultimately decided to stay engaged because, I really do feel that what I do matters and can make the world a better place.

Being a Humanist helps, because it encourages me to think - beyond myself into my impact on others. And it's honestly - only my feeling of responsibility to others that has kept me going. 

If you are struggling too - you have my sympathy. My advice? It's ok to feel like you are struggling when the reality is - you are struggling.  That's acknowledging reality.  It's also ok to take care of your own for a while. But for me, I always pair that with my concern and care for others.

Hugs regardless of what you decide to do for you. 

Dealing with Disappointment

Question: 

Disappointment - in work and life - is inevitable. Whether it's being passed up for a promotion or finding out from your crush he/she's just not that into you, what are some healthy techniques for getting over a setback? Is it having a 24 hour pity-party?

Answer: 

Disappointment – of the type you are asking about – is basically a grief process.  We have to go through the stages of grief before we can actively move on to be more productive and “rebound.”

When we are disappointed, we try to deny what happened. We get mad that it didn’t happen. We try to bargain to see if we can still make it happen.  We get depressed that it didn’t happen. And eventually, we accept – it’s not going to happen.

Knowing that the only way past this is to accept it, I try to get to acceptance as quickly as possible.  I do this by embracing reality.  I don’t try to deny it or bargain with it. It is what it is and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I can move on.

It’s not pretty, and it doesn’t feel good – but this is a lot like ripping off a bandage – just do it and get it over with.  Stop fighting with reality – you are going to lose.

Interestingly enough, as soon as you accept reality, that’s when you can start working on your work arounds and either come up with another goal or figure out another way to get to the original one.  I think what happens is that people are so afraid of losing their dream; they fight the reality of things not happening the way they want.  What I have found is that by accepting reality fearlessly and quickly, I am more agile and better able to adapt to the reality of my situation and I am better able to turn things around in my favor.

So reality based problem solving. That’s my advice.

My Best Mistake

Owning your mistakes may be the best thing you ever do.  Then again, maybe not.

I make a lot of mistakes.  I am a writer, and yet, I am crappy at grammar. But that’s OK. For every mistake I make, I get really nice people who offer to help me fix my grammar. And since I own up to my mistakes and correct them, I have ended up learning a lot and gotten to know some really cool people as a result of those mistakes. People who wrote to me who otherwise wouldn't have.

My attitude about mistakes is this.  I’m gonna make them. So, the sooner I admit my mistake and correct it, the less stupid I appear.

I have found that owning your mistakes but not letting your mistakes stop you from  making progress towards your goal, whatever that is, seems to work.  Correct your mistakes and keep moving forward.

Among other things, I’m a social dancer.  I quite good actually and have taught classes in social dance. One time I was dancing in a restaurant with a friend and someone asked us whether what we were doing was choreographed. It wasn't. They asked us, don’t you make mistakes?  Of course we do.  What separates the good dancers from the not so good dancers isn't whether mistakes are made or not. Mistakes are going to be made.  It’s how you respond to the mistake that differentiates the experienced dancers from the newer dancers. Experienced dancers make mistakes, smile at each other to acknowledge the mistake and keep dancing. Literally.  We don’t let our mistakes stop us from completing the dance. And, as far as the audience is concerned, as long as you start together and stop together – they think you are dancing well.  They don’t notice the mistakes.  You’d have to have a trained eye to notice and even then, this is a social dance, not a competition.

One time I was part of a group that won a free call square dance competition. This is where you don’t know what the call will be – the callers are randomly calling out patterns and sometimes interrupt patterns with new ones. You have to be quick to respond to do this well. We won this competition, not because we practiced the patterns, but because we instead practiced how to recover from our mistakes so no one noticed us making them.  It wasn't that we didn't make mistakes; we totally did. We just had a strategy for how to keep the dance going.  Our strategy? Whatever you do, don’t stop dancing.

So what is my “best” mistake?  I’d have to say it was the time I was singing for a country-punk-a-boogie band.  We had a song with a stop in it: a moment where we all hit a note together, pause for a beat of silence, and then pick up the song again. When done right, it’s a super cool effect - like an explosion. But you have to hit it together as one for it to work. And ... one night on stage in front of a crowd and other bands, we played the song and missed the stop.  All 6 of us hit that stop at six completely different times. Like a stuttering train wreck. It wasn't just bad. It was glaringly obviously bad.  But we were performing and things like this happen and we didn't stop.  Even though we hit that stop at 6 different times, we all managed to start on the pickup back into the song together and we finished together! We got a standing ovation.   Not because our performance was flawless, obviously, but because despite the problem – we kept going and ended well!!!!

The lesson I want you to take from all of this is. Your goal isn't to be perfect. It’s to make it to the end of the song. Whether you are dancing, or singing, or writing, or working on a project or running a marathon, success is measured not by how perfectly you perform, but by whether you made it to the end of the song.

When you make a mistake, hang in there and keep dancing. Don’t stop until the music does.

Just Keep Swimming

Sometimes all you can do is keep going.

I have a friend who, whenever things get tough sings, just keep swimming from Finding Nemo.  I love it when she does that because it’s a great life philosophy. And even though my friend is Christian, I think it’s very humanistic of her.

Here’s why. Life is hard. It’s difficult and things don’t always go your way. But being alive, as hard as it is, is better than the alternative.

By reminding yourself to just keep swimming when things get hard, you are doing 2 very important things.

• Telling yourself not to give up, and
• Reminding yourself that things will eventually get better. They normally do.

Why is that important? Because hope is what keeps humanity going. Lose hope, lose your will to live.

If you know that if you just keep swimming, you will eventually end up somewhere, anywhere, it’s easier to bear the present, as unpleasant as it is.

So, just keep swimming.