controlling your response to the uncontrollable

Most people don’t deal well with uncertainty.  This is why the serenity pray is still so important – to everyone.

I take a humanistic approach, meaning, I take a realistic and compassionate approach to the problem.


1. What can I control? Really. Having a science-based approach helps me know what is within my control and what is not.   The key to the serenity prayer – is knowing the difference between the things you can control and the things you can’t. Science can help you. That is what is known as wisdom.

2. I work on something else. When something is beyond my control. Instead of spending my time worrying about it. I find something that is within my control and work on that. It might be something tangential. It might be completely off topic. But I find giving myself something constructive to do helps me not waste time worrying about something I don’t have control over.

3. Flipping Coins and other superstitious behavior. I know flipping coins won’t help me know how something will turn out. But it still helps me reduce stress and gives me a good laugh. Most of our superstitious behaviors are to help us feel like we have control over things we don’t control at all. It gives us the illusion of control. And that illusion can be very calming. To take advantage of this without getting lost in fantasy/magical/wish fulfillment – I flip coins.  Not having control over something is very very stressful. If we can trick our brains into relaxing – we will be much better off. So I engage in coin flipping to help convince my brain – it’s under control so it will relax and let me focus on things that actually would be constructive. The key is to not take whatever superstitious thing you do seriously. Give your brain the illusion of control – but be aware – it’s still beyond your control. And yes – this does work. It’s like a placebo for the brain.

I have a 6 hour online course called Living Made Simpler that teaches humanist coping skills - step by step to help you learn how to be more effective at - life without resorting to supernaturalism.  https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/

The emotional benefits of accepting reality

The price of rejecting reality is high.

I have a course I teach called “Reality based decision making for effective strategy development (see https://humanistlearning.com/programsoffered/  for details).  Failure to accept reality means your plans, whatever they are – are likely to fail. Sure, you could get lucky, but I’d rather be smart and strategic than lucky. Smart and Strategic tends to yield better results.

The problem with reality is that it can be scary.  Accepting reality means not always knowing how things are going to turn out. It means confronting uncertainty and the unknown. It means accepting that despite all your good intentions and strategic approach and smarts, you still may not succeed.  That’s reality.  And it sucks. I’m not going to lie to you about that.

But this post is about the emotional benefits of accepting reality. Why on earth am I telling you how scary accepting reality is?  Because – despite how scary it can be, accepting reality is emotionally satisfying. It really does help your mental health to remain grounded in reality – even when reality sucks.

Here is my rule. You cannot solve your problems until you acknowledge you have a problem. And as long as you aren’t solving your problem, you will continue to have a problem. And having problems sucks. I would much rather confront my fears so I can confront my problems that stick my head in the sand and hope for the best.  Again, I could get lucky, but sticking my head in the sands means I don’t see the dangers coming and I can’t protect myself from those dangers.

I am a Humanist. I refuse to leave my fate up to fate. I am a proactive doer. I can get things done. I can change the odds in my favor. I refuse to hope for the best. Not when I can be doing something constructive to create positive change for myself.

One of my favorite quotes is “If you are going through hell, keep going.” From Winston Churchill.  Accepting reality is scary. But staying stuck in a living hell is even scarier.  Accepting my present reality is an act of courage. It puts me in a position to change my current reality and make a new one. Accepting reality, however bad it may be is empowering. And being empowered is good for your emotional health.

Dealing with Negative Emotions and Fear

We all experience fear at some point in our lives. Some of us more than others. How we deal with it and IF we deal with it impact our success in life.

Tiffany asks: 

How do I learn to deal with negative emotions without expecting a positive outcome if I choose to be courageous and take action in spite of my fears? What other motivation is there?

Answer: 

If you are going to take courageous action in spite of your fears - it's because you feel there is something positive to be gained from doing so.  That you might not succeed is part of that equation. If you feel it is important to try anyway - do it.

The way to deal with the fear and the negative emotions is to accept them as legitimate but decide to act anyway.  There is no rule that says - you have to be happy to do positive things.  If something is scary - it's scary.  It might not work out.  But if it is important to try - do it anyway.

The only time I have 2nd thoughts about things like this is if I might get injured or killed by doing so. Otherwise, I just accept the fear and the negative emotions - and do what needs to be done anyway.

The idea that you have to have positive emotions all the time - is unrealistic and unhelpful.  Accept the negative for what it is in the moment.  What happens is that AFTER you have acted in accordance with your moral values despite the pressure not to - THAT is when you feel good about yourself.  In the moment, it's nothing but anxiety and fear.   To get to the happy - you have to get to the other side. And to get there – requires action.

My favorite quote about this is from Winston Churchill.  If you are going through hell. Keep going.

The journey may not be pleasant, but the destination is sure to be better than your present.  Don't try to erase your negative emotions. Accept them and do what is right despite them.

Originally posted at: http://www.quora.com/How-do-I-learn-to-deal-with-negative-emotions-without-expecting-a-positive-outcome-if-I-choose-to-be-courageous-and-take-action-in-spite-of-my-fears

Don’t Give Up

The past few years have been really hard for me and my family. Medical problems, financial problems, emotional problems that come with having medical and financial problems.  And while we aren’t out of the wood yet, I am a firm believing in not giving up.

One of my favorite quotes is from Winston Churchill. “If you are going through hell, keep going.”  Don’t stop and don’t give up – keep on going until you get out of there.

That doesn’t mean we can do it alone or that we don’t need to take breaks. It just means that we need to not accept the status quo if the status quo sucks.  Keep working on trying to change it until things get better.  Baby steps if you have to.

This encouragement to keep at it doesn’t mean to keep doing the same things that aren’t working.  If something you are doing isn’t working, try something else.  Keep experimenting until you find a way through.

To motivate you on your way today – enjoy this version of Peter Gabrial’s Don’t Give Up sung by Pink with Herbie Hancock and John Legend

Post by P!nk Australia.

Life is Uncertain

And that uncertainty causes a LOT of stress. Here are the ways I handle that as a Humanist.

One of the things I like about what I do is that I get to know people I otherwise wouldn’t. People who have been moved by my writing contact me and we become virtual friends.  One such friend emailed me to let me know she was having a tough time. Her husband had been battling cancer and was in remission and she was finding that she was more upset about it than he was. She worries about what would happen now if he died.

I can relate. I almost did die this year. And then my hubby came down with a bad infection and went to the emergency room a couple of times. My son has even had a couple of visits. Needless to say, the ER staff at our local hospital knows us now.

What I noticed is that when I was the one in the hospital, I wasn’t worried that much. When my hubby went through his turns in the hospital, I was a nervous wreck. What would I do without him?  The very thought makes me sick to my stomach.

And that physical response to the fear of uncertainty and worry is real.  I am very sure that one of the ER visits my husband had was caused by his worrying. He was so unnerved by what happened to me earlier in the year, it has affected him physically.

The problem with fear of uncertainty is that – while I think it’s totally reasonable to be worried about losing someone you care about. That worry can cause health problems and it can incapacitate you and prevent you from getting on with the business of living.

Here’s how I cope and stop my brain from going into overdrive when I start worrying about the worst happening.  I actually have a lot of practice at this and it works.  My husband used to be a travelling salesman. And I used to worry that he would get in an accident on the road. Every day I would worry about that.

I spent my nights trying not to think of all the ways he could die in a traffic accident on a daily basis.  To stop, I created a plan for what I would do if the worst happens.  Just go there. Don’t fight it. Write up a plan for your finances, and what you are going to do to get everything together and move on eventually if he dies. Once that plan is in place, you don’t have to worry about it anymore.  This may seem morbid – but the realism thing really helped me cope with the stress. I’d given my brain what it needed, some assurance that I will be ok even if I was devastated.

The other thing I’ve learned is that I don’t have to be up and positive all the time. Given what I’ve been through and what most people have been through, if you haven’t earned the right to cry – no one has!   My feeling on grief is that you just need to experience it. It involves pain, and crying. And yes, figuring out how to look to the future even when it is uncertain.  Nothing you can do about that really – except accept it.  Serenity prayer – change the things you can – accept what you can’t. Wisdom to know the difference. You can’t know what is going to happen. So you prepare for the best and the worst and move on with life as best as you can.

How do you deal with uncertainty and the possibility of someone you love dying?