What's something I wish managers would know?

That giving training to an abusive person - will not fix the problem. The people who need to be trained - are the people around the abusive problem. Can't tell you how many times I've gotten calls to train - A person. And I never get the details - but eventually read about it in the paper. Trainings, don't actually change behavior.

Why?

1)  If you have a bully in the workplace - they are doing it and getting away with it - because it works. They have no incentive to stop. It's everyone else who wants them to stop. Everyone else is motivated to learn how to get them to stop. The bully is not interested in learning to stop. So right off the bat - you have someone attending a training and committed to not learning anything. Meanwhile - the people who are motivated to learn - aren't trained at all. 

2) A training can only bring awareness to a problem. It doesn't change behavior. It can give people the tools they need to change behavior - but changing behavior is a process that takes place over time and the individual needs to want to change. If they don't - the training is pointless and I refuse to provide those sorts of - fix this person for us training for this reason. 

3) The underlying reason I get these requests is because managers want me to fix a "problem person," but they don't want to learn how to change themselves or improve themselves so that they can help their employee behave better. It's their responsibility to fix this problem if they are the leader. They are abdicating their responsibility and refusing to learn how to be a better leader. They just want someone else to fix the problem so they hire someone to give a training to the problem person - and it accomplishes absolutely nothing.  I refuse to do these sorts of training and tell them flat out -if you aren't willing to learn how to manage this problem  I can't help you. 

4) our goal should be to help people behavior more pro-socially and that requires conditions and conditioning that encourages and rewards pro-social behavior.  If the conditions around the person don't change - the behavior - probably won't change. You have to empower the people around the problem person so they can help create the conditions in which bullying isn't rewarded. It's the only thing that works.

Contact me: 

Contact me if you have a problem person - or would like training - that will actually help fix the problem. But only if you all are willing to do the work to fix the problem. 

https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Are you asking the right questions?

This is a lesson in leadership for Human Resources professionals.

This came across my newsfeed the other day. It’s a post from a woman in one of my mom’s groups on Facebook.  It concerns an exit interview she had with a company she worked for.

“WTF really [company redacted]? They sent me a survey on my employment experience. Oddly there was nowhere to type WHY I left. And hostile work environment wasn't an option. Then they dare to ask if I'd ever come back and if I'd recommend them. I don't know [company redacted] your management bullied me to the point I walked out mid shift...what do you think?”

I teach how to stop bullying using behavioral techniques so, this post cut close to me. This is preventable. Both the bullying this person endured and the abysmal attempt at an exit interview which completely failed to provide any useful information to the company. I mean, why even bother if you aren’t open to learning what’s really going on?

I talk to HR pros all the time and they tell me – oh we don’t have a bullying problem here. Really? How would you know? I mean sure, your company may be the exception. But most places have at least 1 problem person. Sometimes the problems are systemic. But they all have interpersonal issues of some sort. You simply can’t get a lot of people together and not have them clash from time to time.

If you aren’t hearing about these problems, it’s not because your company isn’t experiencing them. It’s because you aren’t being told about them. Most employees don’t report abuse because most abuse is supervisor on employee. Reporting abuse can get you fired.

If you really want to know what’s going on, you have to do a little digging. And you have to be open to what you might find. You also need a plan for how to deal with what you find so that you can fix it.

If you aren’t aware of which of your supervisors is abusive, then you simply aren’t asking the right questions.

FYI – if you want to learn how to get abusive behavior to stop – that I can help you with – check out these courses at Humanist Learning Systems: https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/

Tip Toeing Around an Angry Co-worker?

Have you ever worked with a person who was like a time bomb waiting to go off?  They were so bad you had to tip toe around them hoping that you could get your work done without setting them off?

Yeah – that’s abusive behavior. This person doesn’t just have anger management problems, they are abusive.

Think about it. In abusive relationships, the victim has to tip toe around the abuser so as to not set them off. The abuser will blame their victim for their rages. If the victim didn’t set them off, they wouldn’t rage. Right? Wrong.

It doesn’t matter what you do – or how well you do it – an abusive person will still find reason to get upset.  And just as you shouldn’t tolerate an abusive relationship, you shouldn’t tolerate an abusive co-worker.

Your first tip that you are dealing with an abusive person is the fact you feel like you have to tip toe around them. Or that you are walking on eggshells, always worried about how they are going to respond. You are worried for good reason, they go off at random.

Their anger fits have nothing to do with those around them and everything to do with their inability to manage their own emotions.

Workplaces are better off without dealing with people with anger management issues. If you are in management, do what you need to do to let them go. The amount of wasted time and resources spent appeasing people who can’t be appeased isn’t worth the effort.

If you are confronted by this – and they are your boss – get out and get another job.  If it is a coworker, have an honest talk with your boss and HR and let them know that something is wrong and that you would like them to start paying attention to this clearly troubled employee and document the problem thoroughly.

People who routinely resolve conflicts with anger are often very unstable and this is not a habit that is easily fixed.  I realize I normally write about how to resolve these sorts of problems with behavioral techniques, but some problems are so bad they require professional support. If you aren’t a trained psychologist, don’t take it on.

If you want more information on how to deal with anger in yourself and others, including when to not engage and leave – check out Dr. Leon Seltzer’s program – managing anger in yourself and others.

Tipping Point in Workplace Bullying

The tide is turning away from tolerating abusive behavior in the workplace.  At least I hope it is.

Abusive behavior, whether it is in the form of a horrid manager or a horrid coworker, causes real harm to the victim in the form of emotional distress. And this harm negatively impacts the company’s ability to function and serve customers.

Abusive management is as damaging as other forms of abusive relationships.  Just as a battered woman may be terrified of doing anything that will upset her abuser, an abused customer service rep is unlikely to go out of their way to help a customer if they think doing so will bring down the wrath of their supervisor on them.

Scared workers are ineffective workers. But the blame doesn’t lie with the victim. It lies with the abuser who is creating an atmosphere of fear.

Workplace bullying is serious business that negatively affects your business. There is a reason why more and more business leaders have finally decided to stop tolerating abusive behavior in their workplace. There is a reason why California just changed their law to require all companies with more than 50 employees teach their employees how to stop abusive behavior in the workplace (see: http://www.prlog.org/12392861-is-your-company-ab-2053-compliant.html)

The government of Australia considers bullying in the workplace so destructive that they estimate it costs their economy between $6 and $36 billion in lost productivity every year so they have taken steps to fight it as a nation.

Bullying in the workplace is no longer something that can be hidden. We live in an age of digital media and social sharing and bullies are now leaving digital trails of their crimes, and yes, stalking and harassing someone is criminal behavior.

All this heightened awareness of the problem is great. But let’s not waste this moment. One of the reasons bullying endures at all levels of society is because it’s hard to stop. It requires specialized skill and knowledge. The good news is that these skills are easy to learn and teach. What needs to happen now is that we start teaching these skills to our employees.

If you haven’t already learned what it is you need to teach – take my free 2 hour course – Creating a Sexual Harassment Training that Actually Works.  And if you are a victim of bullying consider taking – Ending Harassment & Retaliation in the Workplace.