Bullying isn’t leadership

Why bullying managers are crappy managers.

Most of us have worked for a bullying manager at some point.  And it’s unfortunate because it’s really counterproductive.  Management by bullying isn’t management at all.

A manager is supposed to organize and coordinate the activities that must be done to run a business. That puts them “in control.”  But the term “control: is a very poor word choice. When it comes to “controlling” other humans, it can’t be done.

We humans are autonomous individuals.  You can ask us to do things. You can beg us to do things. You can threaten us if we don’t do things. But at the end of the day, you can’t force us to do anything. You simply cannot control another human being. Heck, most people can’t even control themselves all that well.

The challenge of a manager is not only how to best coordinate the things that need to be done, but also how to get the people who are supposed to get things done to do their jobs.

Some managers, who have no idea how to get people to do their jobs, resort to bullying. They threaten their staff and demean them as a way to exercise some amount of social control. They do this because that’s what has always worked for them. And while they may gain compliance, they cause all sorts of other problems, including diminished problem solving ability and initiative as very few of their employees are going to risk sticking their neck out to solve a problem.

Other managers may bully accidentally because they aren’t good at handling anxiety. When they get stressed, they express their stress through abusive behavior towards their staff.  And again, while they may gain some compliance as a result of these “outbursts” the quality of the problem solving their team does is diminished because most people don’t do good problem solving when they are being yelled at.

If you want an effective team that is good at solving problems, you can’t afford to let a bully manage them. Because what a bully boss is doing isn’t management: its harassment.

In order to manage people well, you have to understand and recognize the inherent autonomy of the individuals on your staff. You have to consider yourself part of the team and not the controller of the team. Your job is to coordinate the work and to motivate the staff to work. A good manager helps their staff want to do the work that is required of them.  When things go wrong, they work collaborative with their staff to solve the problem. No bullying required.

If you currently work for a bullying boss – consider taking “Ending Harassment & Retaliation in the Workplace” https://humanistlearning.com/retaliation1/  

If you are an HR Professional or are in a position of executive leadership and want to learn how to eliminate bullying in your workplace – take: Workplace Bullying for HR professionals: https://humanistlearning.com/workplacebullying1/


Different Kinds of Love

We feel and experience love in different ways. Some love is passionate, some is compassionate. Learning how to find balance between compassion and passion is key to successful relationships.


My grandmother on my dad’s side told me when I was young, that I was put on this earth to love other people.  When I think back on it, this one thing she said has had a profound impact on my life and how I choose to live it and who I am as a person. I am here to love other people. That is my purpose.

How I choose to manifest that love depends on the situation. I love a lot of people: my husband and son, my extended family on both sides, my friends and acquaintances.  And more abstractly I love the other 7 billion people that make up my human family.  Oh – and I love my pets too.

I talk a lot about compassion as it relates to my practice as a Humanist. To me, compassion is an expression of my love for others. As a Humanist, I experience compassionate love as Promethean – meaning it is aimed at alleviating the suffering of others.  It is why I work so hard to make the world a better place.

But my compassionate love is also more immediate. It’s not just an abstract Promethean urge. It’s also about how I feel about people when I meet them and interact with them. It’s protective and caring.

But my love can also be passionate. Specifically, the sexual yearning I have for my husband or the intense protectiveness I sometimes feel for my son.  My life, every day is so filled with love that I rarely experience depression or aloneness.

When I talk to others about this, I get the impression that the only love they are willing or want to experience is passionate love. When I suggest compassionate love, I meet resistance. Compassion is about helping others. What’s in it for me?

What’s in it is the feeling of love. Compassion has passion at it’s root.  It’s an intense feeling and it by and large feels really good to care about other people.  Compassion is intense. Just intense directed towards others instead of directed toward myself.  Passionate love is possessive. Compassionate love is altruistic.

And that is the key. We all need meaning and purpose in our life. Without it we are stressed and unhappy. What better meaning can you give your life than to live a life of love.

If you are worried that all this love for others will drain you don’t be. I was once asked if I would rather be in love or be loved. My answer was that I would rather be in love. Being in love feels great. Being loved doesn’t feel like much of anything. And if you don’t reciprocate it, having someone love you can be really annoying and frustrating and you feel bad for them. So I will always choose to be in love over being loved.  Perhaps that’s why I’m so happy.

If you need help learning how to be compassionate without being taken advantage of – consider taking this free ecourse from Dr. Marcia Sirota – Ruthless Compassion - https://humanistlearning.com/ruthless-compassion/



3 Strategies to Help you Make Better Decisions.

Three ways you can eliminate bias in your decision making process.

Question: 

Do you have to make important decisions all the time? How does one get better at making them, and feeling confident with their choice?

Answer: 

I always encourage people to do their best to make reality based decisions. The task is to try and eliminate confirmation bias and figure out whether what you think you know about something is really true or not.

Something might look good in a brochure or in a commercial, but until you see it in person, your judgment may be clouded by wishful thinking.

Here are 3 strategies I use: 

My mother always encouraged me to make pro and con lists – consider the benefits and the downsides to all my options and then use those as a guide to help me prioritize what is really important to me.  This works wonderful.

Sometimes you just have to give it a little time. If all things are equal in my mind and the pro and con list didn't help, I will often decide not to decide right now, if I have that luxury.  What usually happens is that my true preference becomes clear within a few weeks as my brain relaxes out of decision making mode and starts to contemplate what the future might be like. And it usually really likes one of the options. So – that’s what I go with. Again, I only use this method when I have no other way of making a decision or when I find I’m too confused to make a decision.

Finally, there has been some recent research that suggests if you don’t have a good reason for making a decision, you may be better making a random decision. So, if all things are equal – go ahead and flip a coin and see what happens.

Feel like you don’t make good decisions. Learn how to integrate your ethics and science into your decision making process with my Living Made Simpler Course:
https://humanistlearning.com/livingmadesimpler1/ 

Parenting without Punishment – A Humanist Ideal

Raising a kid with respect doesn't mean raising a kid without discipline.

I have never hit my kid. Well, not never. I did one time whack him when he bit my butt, but that was an accident. I was doing dishes when he bit me and I wheel around to see what it was and accidentally hit him in the process. We both cried quite a bit as a result.

What I mean to say is I've never used physical punishment on my child. My son is intelligent, well behaved and a joy to be around. He’s 9 and he’s reasonably well disciplined. I say reasonably because I still have to keep track of his homework and remind him to do it.  But, he’s only 9, I’m pretty sure he will eventually have enough self-discipline to be responsible for those tasks too.

Given how many parents seem to think hitting kids and physical punishment is necessary to raising a well-disciplined kid, I have to wonder if maybe their definition of discipline is different from mine.  To me discipline isn't imposed by others, it is self-discipline that is the ideal. I was able to help my son become such a pleasant well behaved kid because I taught him how to choose to be good for himself. If I had tried to force him to obey me through the use of physical punishment he would have never become self-disciplined.

Hitting kids to get them to obey you is a form of bullying. It’s abusive. It’s unnecessary and it’s counterproductive to the goal of raising well behaved kids who have sufficient self-discipline to behave well without the threat of punishment.

I’m not alone in thinking this. The American Psychological Association agrees. They came out against corporal punishment back in 1975 as being unnecessary to the development of moral and competent adults (http://www.apa.org/about/policy/corporal-punishment.aspx) and more and more research has been done that shows that not only is spanking as punishment not necessary, it’s actually counterproductive - http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking.aspx 

But is the question of whether or not to physically punish children a Humanist issue?  Of course it is. The methods humanist parents use to raise ethical, responsible adults must reflect our values. Physically battering a child is morally indefensible given that it serves no good purpose and is actually counterproductive.  We have other more humane methods we can use to help our children learn self-discipline and we should be using them.

Helping parents learn how to parent without resorting to violence is a goal all Humanists should share which is why the American Humanist Association, in 2000 issued the following statement:

“The AMERICAN HUMANIST ASSOCIATION deems corporal punishment a form of intimidation and condemns its use against anyone at anytime for any purpose, no matter how noble sounding, and calls for all people of goodwill to unite against its use.”

Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR)

How a more humanistic approach to business can help create a more effective business and make the world better at the same time.

I founded my company, Humanist Learning Systems as a for profit company with non-profit goals. My intention is to reinvest profits into non-profit activities consistent with the goals of my company. I eventually hope to establish regional centers for Humanist Learning that can be used as community centers to support the growing community of Humanists nationwide.

What are my goals? Teaching people how to live ethical lives of personal fulfillment that aspire to the greater good of humanity.

I provide online courses for personal and professional development focusing primarily on humanistic leadership/management. My core courses are about how to eliminate bullying/harassment/discrimination and retaliation in the workplace using science. Using science to solve social problems is a radical idea, right?  

I had considered setting up my business as a non-profit but eventually decided to go with a for profit model instead. Here is why. I know how to get bullies to stop using the science of operant conditioning. The problem is that not many people know how to do this so I kind of have a moral obligation to teach people this.  The problem is that advertising is expensive.  It’s not enough to have a solution that actually works if no one knows you have it.

I have a problem and it’s a problem that requires money to solve. Here’s my solution.  I plan to use the workplace training knowledge dissemination pipeline to disseminate my knowledge and to fund getting it done!

Here is how it works. I REALLY want to reach parents of kids so that I can teach them these skills so that they are able to teach their kids these skills in real time as they encounter bullies.  Where are the parents? In the workplace.  If I can reach them in the workplace I can simultaneously teach them how to deal with workplace bullying, harassment, retaliation and discrimination AND how to help their children with school bullies at the same time.

I created my business around a core line of sex harassment programs that are compliant with state and federal harassment training guidelines as a way to help not only satisfy legal requirements but to use those requirements to get this REALLY important information out into the world to the people who need it and want to learn it.

And if I succeed? Imagine what society would be like if a whole generation of kids were never bullied because they knew how to get it to stop!  That’s not a pipe dream – it’s doable – with education.

A humanistic approach to business isn't just about treating the people you work with as fully human. It’s also about using business to make the world a better place by harnessing the money that is generated by business to create social good.

Business interests and human interest are not mutually exclusive.

To learn more about the courses we offer at Humanist Learning Systems visit: https://humanistlearning.com 



Managing Anger


What is anger and how can you calm yourself so you don’t do something stupid while angry?

Anger is an unpleasant emotion. I don’t like feeling it. However, it is a normal human emotion. Part of our emotional toolkit for a reason. According to this article at PBS – it’s a reaction to a perceived threat. In other words, it’s an emotion that tells us something is wrong. Or, as in the case of extreme anger – very very wrong. (see: http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/anger/what-anger)

Anger really does originate in fear. It’s a response to a perceived threat. It gives us the adrenaline to fight and defend ourselves if necessary.  While fear is immobilizing, anger as a response to fear is active.

The fact that anger is normal and serves a useful function doesn't make it feel any better. Yes, it spurs us to take action, but unless we take the time to think through our response, acting out in anger can make things worse, not better.  The problem is, as Yoda always said, fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering.

To manage our anger well, we have to harness the motivation to act that comes with anger, while also calming ourselves so that our adrenaline rush doesn't cause us to act rashly. And most of all, we need to make sure that we don’t allow our fear and anger to cause us to hate the person or thing that made us afraid in the first place.

This is easier said than done, but learning how to calm yourself is the key. And the more you practice, the easier it becomes. I find when I get angry that the best thing I can do for myself is to consciously choose to be compassionate. I do this because compassion helps me to be less afraid and it prevents me from becoming so angry I start to hate. I can’t hate when I’m feeling compassionate.

The other thing compassion does for me is it helps me to calm my mind enough to think rationally so that I can choose my response instead of acting stupidly in my anger.  My compassion doesn’t deny my anger, it just helps me channel it more effectively.  And to me, that’s what managing anger should be.

To learn more about how to manage anger in yourself and others, check out this course from Dr. Leon Seltzer – https://humanistlearning.com/angermanagement101/

Dealing with Difficult People

While compassion won’t make difficult people any less difficult, it does make it easier to help them.


Some people are cranky.  You may never know why.  They just are mean and angry.  Dealing with these people is unpleasant. And that’s obviously being kind.

It is very easy to dislike difficult people. They are difficult to deal with and I know I would prefer to interact with people who are pleasant and nice and understanding.

But I live in the real world and that isn't always possible. Our instinct, when confronted with difficulty is to want to get away from it. But if you encounter a difficult person as part of your job, you can’t do that. You have to find a way to deal with them.  So you do your best to not be cranky back and them and do your best.

But what if you decided to override your instincts and decided not to dislike them. I’m not saying you should like them, but not disliking them, as difficult as that may be, can make a huge difference in how you respond and whether or not you allow these people to ruin your day.

Here’s why whenever I deal with a difficult person, I try to think of them compassionately. I don’t know why they are cranky and difficult.  I have no idea what their life story is. I don’t know if they are mentally ill, or suffering from a mental health crisis. I don’t know if they are terrified of being out in public and their cranky demeanor is their way of coping. I don’t know if they are going through a bitter divorce right now. I don’t know if they have recently lost a loved one and it is all they can do to keep themselves together and their gruff exterior is how they are protecting their fragile emotions.  I don’t know if they were abused their entire lives and so don’t trust anyone.  I don’t know.

And because I don’t know, I don’t like to assume. Whatever is causing this person to be so difficult is a problem for them. Their behavior isn’t about me. It’s about them and their pain and discomfort and anxiety. And it seems to me that if they are stupendously difficult to deal with, then whatever it is they are dealing with, is probably pretty bad.

So instead of getting annoyed with difficult people, I feel sad for them. And I don’t have to fake being kind to them. I genuinely am kind to them, because I feel so bad for them. Even if they yell at me and call me names and do whatever it is they are doing in their crankiness, it doesn’t upset me. I don’t have to take their crankiness towards me personally.

My compassion for them won’t help them be any less cranky because I’m unable to fix the underlying cause of their emotional problems. But whatever I can do to help them be a little less stressed – I am willing to do. And instead of feeling crappy about these encounters, I feel good. It’s like in that moment dealing with that difficult person, I did being human right by being the best most compassionate person I could be with someone who is clearly suffering.

Can compassion help you deliver better customer service, even when your customers are difficult? You bet it can.

Star Wars and Visions of the Future

May the 4th be with you and with Humanists who dream big dreams through humanistic science fiction.

I grew up with Star Wars.  I was 11 when the first movie came out. I still love Star Wars, and yes, that includes Episode 1 (with Jar Jar). Star Wars is a morality play. There are good guys and bad guys and fighting against evil is the moral thing to do.  What’s not to like about it.

But Star Wars offered more than just simplistic morality. It also offered a vision of the future, even though the story, ironically, was set a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.

Star Wars offered a vision of intense integration.  Here was an entire galaxy of different types of “people” all mingling together. And as dangerous as the cantina is Mos Eisley was, and even though it was clear people still fought deadly fights, they also just accepted the physical and temperamental differences inherent in each species.  Their fights weren't about race, they were over things that mattered, like bounties!  And yeah, that actually is a Humanist ideal: where we don’t judge each other by our skin, but by whether any given person is a jerk or not.

Meanwhile, back on earth, we still haven’t even figured out how to have integrated schools! And more and more we seem to have turned into a militarized police state that looks more and more like the evil empire than it does the more egalitarian resistance.

What I learned about Humanism from Star Wars is that despite all our advances, the future is not going to be ideal. Unlike the vision of the future in Star Trek – where everyone was nice except the Romulans and the Klingons, in Star Wars, the battle against dogmatic authoritarianism still has to be fought and guarded against.  And that isn't a fight we can or should sit out.

I’m not talking about taking up arms, but .. to quote Humanist Manifesto II (http://americanhumanist.org/Humanism/Humanist_Manifesto_II)



“ The true revolution is occurring and can continue in countless nonviolent adjustments. But this entails the willingness to step forward onto new and expanding plateaus. At the present juncture of history, commitment to all humankind is the highest commitment of which we are capable; it transcends the narrow allegiances of church, state, party, class, or race in moving toward a wider vision of human potentiality. What more daring a goal for humankind than for each person to become, in ideal as well as practice, a citizen of a world community.”

To learn more about Humanism get: Jen Hancock’s Handy Humanism Handbook: http://www.jen-hancock.com/handyhumanism/ 

Reason and Leadership

Making good decisions requires a reality based approach and that requires good reasoning skills. Here’s why.

Say you are trying to solve a problem. Doesn't matter what the problem is.  All problems have a cause and influencing factors. If you are going to solve your problem, you have to know what is causing it and what can influence it.  And finding out what is really causing our problems isn't always all that easy.

Most people guess and hope for the best.  If you want to improve your chances above – hope, then it’s worth taking a bit of time to question whether your guess as to what is causing your problem is actually based in reality.

Here’s the secret to successful problem solving. The more your understanding of the problem reflects the actual reality of the problem, the more effective your problem solving will be.

To figure out whether what you think is causing your problem is what is really causing your problem, you have to think. And that process of thinking through problems in a logical sensible way is called reasoning.

Once you have figuring out what is really causing your problem, you then need to figure out how to solve it. And again, most people guess and hope for the best.  But if you think about it a little bit and consider what other factors may be influencing your problem, you can usually come up with a strategy to fix it.

Coming up with a well-reasoned strategy may not solve your problem, but it’s going to give you a better chance at it than guessing and hoping for the best.

How to reason well?  Mostly it involves seeking the truth and not allowing your passions and biases to derail you from the search for the truth. (Here is a cool graphic from wikihow on how to reason well: http://www.wikihow.com/Reason)

To reason well you need to learn how to ask yourself questions. Why – why is that my problem? Is there a problem that is causing my problem? What might solve this? What other things might solve this?

When you consider alternatives, you give yourself options. And then all you have to do is reason through them to figure out which of your options give you the best chance of success – and that’s your plan.

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