Facing Your Fears

3 tips on how to keep your fears from running your life.

Note: This post assumes run of the mill irrational fears and not phobia level fears.  If you have a phobia, seek the assistance of a professional. You will be glad you did.

When I was a child I used to have nightmares about a giant bunny that wanted to steal my hands. As long as my hands were under the covers, I was safe.  Whenever I woke up in the middle of the night I would make sure my hands were under the blankets and that was enough for me to calm my fears so I could go back to sleep.

I was reminded of this the other day because my son has bad dreams on occasion and he likes to hide under the covers to protect himself. I think we’ve all done this at some point. It’s irrational; after all, if there were a ghost or a monster, a bed sheet isn’t going to stop them. But, out of sight, out of mind.

Some of our fears are valid, others are irrational. All fears can be paralyzing so having a strategy to calm your irrational fears is essential. What can you do to help calm your fears short of hiding underneath the covers?

1. Face your fears. My mother taught me about lucid dreaming. She said, if you are running away from a monster in a dream, stop, turn around and confront them. As silly as this sounds, it actually works, most of the time anyway. It also works in real life. If you have an irrational fear, like the fear of public speaking, do it anyway. Just do it. You may find that you faint, or you may find that you survive. And the more you survive, the less afraid you will be in the future.
2. Ignore it. If you are worried about a future problem but you are also pretty sure that it is an irrational fear, decide to ignore it. Have a plan of what you will do IF it happens. It can be a very simple plan, then, give yourself permission to not worry about it anymore. You can deal with it IF it happens because now you have a plan. In the meantime, focus on something else. This technique does take practice but the more you do it the easier it is to do.
3. Think of Happy Thoughts. When my son has a nightmare, we discuss it for a little bit but then I direct the conversation to happier things until he is ready to go back to sleep. This is a lot like Professor Lupin teaching the Hogwarts kids how to deal with a boggart. Take what you fear, transform it into something silly and then stop being afraid of it. Again, learning how to transform your thoughts from fearful to happy is difficult to do when you first start, but with practice, it becomes easier, so don’t give up, keep practicing. Eventually you will find it easier and easier to do.

Hope this helps.  What is your favorite way to eliminate irrational fears?

Searching for the Truth

While truth is important, searching for it may be a waste of time.

Truth, it turns out, is a very subjective thing. And that’s a weird thing to say given that most of us have some idea of truth as being objectively real. Truth is something that exists outside our consciousness whether we know what is true or believe it or not.

The problem is that we can’t ever truly know what is truly true. Not really. All knowledge we have or think we have is filtered through our rather messy brains and so our thoughts and our perception of knowledge is inherently subjective. We can’t help it.  It’s just the reality we have to deal with, as far as we know.

That doesn’t mean that what is true isn’t important. It is. What is real really matters. The more our subjective understanding of what is true matches what is objectively true the more effective we are going to be. So searching for truth is worthwhile.

The problem is that we can’t ever be truly sure if what we think is true is actually true. To be intellectually honest, we have to maintain doubt regardless of how sure we are that that what we think we know is true.  This requires balance.

We have to seek out truth, but accept that we can never truly know what is true. We can’t use the unending search for truth as an excuse not to act in the present. We have to act to the best of our ability based on what we think we know to be true even though it may turn out to be false.

To help me maintain this balance I like to remind myself of this quote by Thoreau from Civil Disobedience:

“The only obligation which I have a right to assume is to do at any time what I think right.” 

Key character building traits

How self-reflection can help you to be a better person.

Socrates once said, “The unexamined life isn’t worth living” Ever wonder what he meant by that?  For me, I know that it is through reflection that I am able to set goals, decide on my morals and realign my goals to my moral objectives in life. As a result, I am happier and more productive than if I just floated through life hoping for the best.

Self-reflection, to me, is an essential Humanist life skill. But if you’ve never done it before, how should you get started?  I’m glad you asked. Kelly Bear, who provides character education and anti-bullying educator for school children, has an excellent list of character thoughts to ponder.  (see: 52 character thoughts http://www.kellybear.com/TeacherArticles/TeacherTip52.html?goback=%2Egde_1874438_member_239847139)

Now, you might be wondering WHY I am providing a list of thoughts for children to think about here for you, since if you are reading this, you are most likely an adult.  The reason is because these are good things to think about for anyone. Age doesn’t matter. What matters is how you think.

If you took one of the 52 character thoughts and pondered one every week for a year and tried to actively manifest that thought in your actions throughout the week, you would probably be a better person at the end of the year.

You would be living more intentionally and ethically and that would feel pretty good.

So, question time, which is your favorite thought and why?

Self Reflection for Working Parents

Why thinking more may help you feel guilty less.

If you are a parent, you know all about parenting guilt, that feeling that comes over you when you are not doing your stellar best as a parent and you know it.  For me, I feel this most when I don’t get my work/life balance right.

I am a stay at home mom and a Humanist author on the side. The problem is every once in a while, more than I like, work interferes with life.  It happened yesterday. Normally I try to be done with work when my son comes home from school so I can be present for him and reconnect for a little bit before we start homework and all the other afternoon chores. But yesterday, I got a call right after he got home and so we didn’t do that. I didn’t think it would be a big deal until we did sit down and I found out that he had felt bad about school that day because he was having trouble with the school work. I went from happy I’ve got my act together mommy to – I’m a horrible mom in a split second. I should have made my son my priority like I promised myself I would instead of taking that call. Fortunately, he forgave me, but I still haven’t forgiven myself.

So, the question is, how can the tools of Humanism help me with this common parenting problem?  Well, turns out LeadChangeGroup had a post on 6 self-reflection questions for moms, but since I’m a Humanist – we’ll consider this for all parents because I’m pretty sure dad’s feel this way too. (http://leadchangegroup.com/6-self-reflection-questions-for-every-working-mother/)

They encourage you to ask yourself questions (in classical critical thinking and Freethought style) to help you rebalance your work/life balance plans and to help you be a better parent at the same time.

If you are too lazy to click through the link here are the questions they think you should ask yourself.

What are your goals? How can you do more of what you really want in your life? Who do you serve with your work?  How present are you with your children? Do you relate and require well? Do you schedule people time?

What is your biggest challenge as a working parent? What are your tricks for getting the balance between work and life right?

How to worry less

Don’t feed your worries. Acknowledge them instead.

Most of us worry. We worry about important things and silly things. Some of this worry is good. It helps us plan and strategize for problems that have yet to occur so that we are prepared for them when they happen.  However, if we worry too much, we don’t take action and fail to accomplish anything.

When I find myself worrying too much about things beyond my control I remind myself of the serenity prayer.  I need to accept the things I can’t change.  Unfortunately, that rarely works. Which is why I also practice meditation. I find that the more I practice stilling my mind of extraneous thought, the more I can stop worrying when I find worry counterproductive or paralyzing. (see Humanist Meditation course at: https://humanistlearning.com/humanist-meditations/

When that doesn’t work, I try to find humor in the fact that I get like this every once in a while. I console myself by thinking, I worry because it matters to me and it’s good that I have things I am passionate enough to worry about because not caring at all would be horrible. This usually works because I rarely worry excessively for more than a couple of days at a time.  Usually, whatever I am worried about will pass and I will be free to move on.

However, if it doesn’t pass, you may want to seek out professional help.  It turns out that psychologists and therapists have some really good tools to help you learn how to control your worries through Humanistic Psychology practices like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

How do you calm yourself when you get worried?  What works for you and what doesn’t?

How to say “no”

How to avoid temptation and distraction.

You have to stay focused. But how? There are so many things you could be doing. So many things you should be doing. And so many people asking you for help. How can you say “no” to avoid temptation and stay on task to be more successful?

I’m glad you asked.  BufferApp Blog posted an essay on “A Scientific Guide to Saying No.” (See: http://blog.bufferapp.com/a-scientific-guide-to-saying-no-how-to-avoid-temptation-and-distraction)   For those of you too lazy to click there, here is what the research shows.

It turns out that the language you use to say “no” has a huge impact on how you actually act.  The difference is whether you use empowering language vs. dis-empowering language.  There is also a moral component to this.

If you say – I can’t do x – you are disempowering yourself. It doesn’t feel good and you feel like you are cheating yourself out of something. Like ice cream.

If, on the other hand you say – I don’t do x – you have empowered yourself and added a moral dimension to your refusal.

It turns out that “I can’t” is experienced as a restriction of choice, which most people naturally rebel against and “I don’t” is experienced as a choice, and who doesn’t like choices.  For the record “just say no” works better than “I can’t,” but not by much – again – there is research behind this.

Your experiment for this week is to test out this change in language for yourself and see what happens. Report back and let me know!

What is true love?

Is there such a thing as true love? If so, should you seek it out?

I’m a Humanist, which means that I’m both a realist and an optimist. I don’t believe in true love, but I know that I am truly in love with my husband.  Why does this distinction matter?  Because, if you are seeking true love, you might miss out on a truly amazing love.

Love doesn’t always knock us off our feet. Sometimes it sneaks up on us and takes us by surprise.  If you are waiting for a magical moment that you will somehow just know this is right, you will be waiting for a long time because not only is there no such thing as magic, we don’t have soul mates either.

There is no guiding force steering us to a perfect true love.  We have chance encounters with a variety of people some of whom we find attractive. If we are lucky, some of them will find us attractive too and out of those, we may be lucky enough to find a few people we are compatible with.

Luck has a lot to do with love. Not supernatural luck. Random luck.

This is not an essay about compromise. It’s an essay about real love as opposed to true love. Don’t let your fantasies about true love prevent you from finding a real love. If you are lucky enough to find someone you like a lot and with whom you are compatible, actively nurture your love and respect for each other. Don’t wait for magic to intervene.

The Wisdom of the Ages

Finding value in meaningless platitudes.

In her book, You Learn By Living, Eleanor Roosevelt quotes from another book called South Wind written by Norman Douglas.  Here is the quote.

“What is all wisdom save a collection of platitudes? Take fifty of our current proverbial sayings – they are so trite, so threadbare, that we can hardly bring our lips to utter them. None the less they embody the concentrated experience of the race, and the man who orders his life according to their teaching cannot go far wrong. How easy that seems! Has anyone ever done so? Never. Has any man ever attained to inner harmony by pondering the experience of others? Not since the world began! He must pass through the fire.”

The problem with platitudes is that they are so simple they are useless in real life. Reality requires a more nuanced approach.  This is why Humanists embrace situational ethics.  We recognize that in certain situations, our normal rules of conduct may not apply.

But that doesn’t mean they never apply.  Because most of the time they do.  It’s just that in the real world we need to be prepared for the exceptions.

I think the key to understanding the value of a platitude is to understand why the adage or platitude for how to live was devised in the first place.  That way you understand the intent of the platitude so that you can adjust your behavior when the situation requires, thus getting the benefit of this “ancient wisdom” without falling prey to the inane meaningless simplicity of it all.

What do you think? What is your favorite platitude and why?  And which ones should never be uttered ever again?