Freedom isn’t Free

Wisdom from Eleanor Roosevelt on the limits and benefits of individual liberty

I am currently reading You Learn by Living: Eleven Keys for a More Fulfilling Life by Eleanor Roosevelt. And you honestly all should read it because it’s all the same stuff I write about in my blog and my book about Humanism, but it’s from Eleanor Roosevelt!  Which basically means, I’m not an out there crazy person preaching crazy thoughts. This is in fact deep wisdom.

 I have always thought of Eleanor as a role model for the sort of person I should aspire to be. Now that I have read her book, I feel even more strongly about how amazing she was as a woman.

Anyway, back to the idea of freedom.  One of the quotes in the book is about Freedom and self-discipline. She says,

“When you come to understand self-discipline you begin to understand the limits of freedom. You grasp the fact that freedom is never absolute, that it must always be contained within the framework of other people’s freedom.”

I like this quote because it talks about the connection between responsibility and freedom. We humans don’t exist in a vacuum. We are interdependent. The struggle we all have is in finding the balance between personal autonomy and social obligation.

This struggle can’t be solved by taking an extreme position. Absolute autonomy is a myth. Your actions do affect other people and you have a moral obligation to consider the impact your actions will have on others. Failure to do this is a failure in your morality.

The other extreme is just as bad. If social obligation is taken to an extreme, it becomes social subjugation and that’s a terrifying thought.

The Humanist approach is to accept that it is our responsibility to balance our need for autonomy and our social obligations in a way that benefits us and the society in which we live, or a socially embedded form of autonomy. This isn’t easy to do and we don’t always get the balance right, but I would suggest that actively being conscious of the need to do this yields better results than just winging it does.  The added bonus is that making an effort to ensure that your actions help others and yourself feels really good.  As Eleanor says, it is a sign of emotional maturity to approach life in such a balanced and responsible fashion.  In fact, it’s the definition of being responsible.

 What is your favorite quote about freedom and responsibility? 

Let It Be

Allow others to be who they are, even if who they are annoys you.

You aren’t going to get along with everyone. Nor should you expect to. It would be nice if everyone got along but we are all too different. We have different ideas, different experiences, different agendas, different knowledge, and different personalities. We are all different.

Mostly, those differences are a good thing, but they can also be annoying and frustrating, especially when we are trying to get something done and someone as a different opinion.

Beyond that it is also possible that the basic way someone acts can annoy you. Maybe they talk too loud or have an annoying habit that drives you up the wall. It doesn’t matter what it is, if you are to maintain your sanity and deal with them productively, you have to find some way to deal with your annoyance.

I do this by accepting that the other person is who they are. There is a reason they behave as they do and believe the things they do even if I don’t understand it or I think they are wrong.

Most of the reason why we get stressed out and annoyed is because we want them to stop. The question we have to ask ourselves is, would it be beneficial to them to stop, or would it just benefit me. Because if it is just me, then I need to keep it to myself and allow them to be who they are. The problem isn’t with them, it’s with me.

The next question is, assuming it would benefit them to stop, because it is interfering not just with our relationship but with others as well is this – are they capable of or even interested in changing? If so, helping them to learn how to tweak their behaviors slightly would be helpful. If not, then it would be pointless.  How do you know which it is? By approaching them politely and compassionately in a spirit of helpfulness. If you are rebuked and they aren’t interested, let it be.

You can’t change other people. You can make suggestions, but ultimately, they are the ones who have to live with the consequences of their actions and if they are fine with the consequences of being annoying, let it be.

If you are waiting for the annoying people of the world to go away before you can find peace, you are going to wait a very long time. Instead of trying to change other people, focus on the fact that you aren’t as perfect or as wonderful as you should be either. Work on improving yourself and learn how to calm your mind and find peace even amongst the most annoying of people, you will be a better happier person.

To help you with your meditations on this subject, here are The Beatles with Let it Be

Thank God I’m a Humanist

Why working with a Humanist makes everything easier.

Right now much of my time is being consumed by anti-bullying work. When I wrote my book (http://thebullyvaccine.com) I didn’t quite realize just how desperate people are for good information. I mean, obviously I knew or I wouldn’t have written the book, but I kind of looked at it as a bit of a side project. Something I was morally obligated to do, but it wasn’t my passion.

My passion is teaching people about Humanism. But, as I have done the publicity work for the book I have realized that teaching people about how to handle bullies and other obnoxious people IS teaching them about Humanism. The two go hand in hand.

Anyway, as part of what I am doing to help end bullying, I have become involved in setting up a new non-profit, www.xbullied.com  When I was first in conversation with my cofounder Dr. Tejeda he sent me an email explaining his problem solving process. It made me laugh and got me excited because a) it’s the same process I use as a Humanist and b) the last element of his process was to pray, though he admitted he’s not a religious person and he doesn’t really think it does any good.  His mind maps were also quite impressive.

I told him I was totally on board and that his process was the same as mine because I am a Humanist.  His response? “Thank god you’re a Humanist. It makes everything easier.”

And it really does. Humanists are very practical, strategic and reality based. It’s very exciting to realize someone you are working with is like minded in this way. We don’t want to waste our time on solutions that aren’t proven to work. We want best practices and we are willing to do research to figure out what actually works and what doesn’t. We also can see the big picture and understand that really what has to happen is that we need to stop taking a piece meal approach and start integrating the best solutions so that nothing gets left out and falls through the cracks. Working with a fellow Humanist on problem solving is a joyful engaged and fun and productive process.

For me, I know that I can send this man my ideas and he will understand them in the same way I do and see the possibilities of how it will create strategic change if we can find a way to pull it off.  I also know that ego won’t get in the way of a solution. Our goal is the solution. There is a certain standard of ethical conduct we expect from ourselves and others as well.  We may argue and debate a lot and disagree vehemently, but we are committed to behaving ethically as individuals.  In other words, I know when I start working with a Humanist that I am going to be challenged, that I am going to have to deal with a strong personality, but that at the end of the day, they are going to be as committed to making practical strategic decisions as I am and that the outcome of our work is going to be of high quality.

But the absolute best thing about working with a fellow Humanist is that it means the decision making and problem solving process is going to be rational! And if you’ve ever had to work out problems and come to decisions with people who don’t take a rational approach to problem solving you know what a relief it is to know, disagreement will be rational and not insanely irrational. It is nice to know that discussions will be focused on what works and you won’t have to waste your time with any off topic suggestions or correcting obviously untrue statements of so called “facts.” 

Working with Humanists makes everything easier. It really does. What is your favorite thing about working with and interacting with your fellow Humanists?

Shiny, happy people having fun in a humanist paradise

Why talking to people about Humanism seems so crazy.

AC Grayling, the author of the Humanist Bible has a new book out. This time he takes on religious belief and then explains why Humanism provides a better alternative.  It looks like an interesting book. see link here

This post, though, isn’t about AC Graylings book. It is about a comment made in a review of the book by someone I assume to be a fellow Humanist/atheist. http://www.newstatesman.com/culture/2013/02/reviewed-god-argument-case-against-religion-and-humanism-c-grayling

My favorite quote is that that he thinks AC’s discussion on Humanism “feels almost tract-like in its evocation of shiny, happy people having fun in a humanist paradise.”  This idea of shiny happy people having fun in a Humanist paradise tickles me and it points to a central problem we have in describing Humanism to people.

It seems so pie in the sky.

We are all good people, we can all just get along if we just put our mind to it. It is ultimately a very optimistic philosophy and so full of compassion and do goody-ness that, yeah – telling people about it makes it seem like we are utopian nuts trying to create a humanist paradise.  Except that we aren’t.

We are incredibly practical people and highly effective. When we set our mind to a task, we generally get it done. Because the other side of the Humanist philosophy is personal responsibility and critical thinking and hard work and the embracing of reality. We know that our ideal is unrealistic and isn’t going to happen.  We are committed to working toward that ideal anyway, knowing that we ourselves are going to fall short. We think it is worth it to move society and people along just a little bit further towards a more compassionate and just society.

Why? Because the alternative is to give in to despair and to live our lives in such a way that we have nothing to be proud of and to allow the status quo, which isn’t all that great, to continue.

And you know what, our approach, for all it’s crazy idealism is working. We have reason to be optimistic. In the past 100 years, movement Humanists have created a tremendous amount of social change towards equality and justice and respect and dignity and ecological conservation and sexual freedom and medical care, mental health care and more.

We may not be shiny happy people living in a Humanist paradise yet, but we are making progress and that is more than can be said for people who don’t think anything can be done and so don’t try.

Great Advice for Interpersonal Relationships

Understanding how our own views are biased and distorted can help us improve our relationships to others.

As I’ve gotten more involved in the anti-bullying community, I’ve had the opportunity to meet some amazing people and groups. One group is EyePat out of England. They focus on online or cyberbullying issues.

They sent me a link to their pdf understanding the bully -  http://www.eyepat.org/login/uploaded/Understanding%20the%20Bully%20by%20EyePAT.pdf

I was really impressed with it. It is seriously one of the most excellent things I have read in ages. And I’m reading Eleanor Roosevelt right now so that is saying something.

What I want to talk about here isn’t bullying though. I want to talk about how this information about bullies can actually help you with all your relationships. You see, they aren’t just talking about how bullies think. They are talking about how we all think.

Here is the problem. We all have more information coming in through our senses than we can use. This information is filtered and anything not useful is basically deleted. We then might distort the remaining facts to fit our understanding of the world and our emotional state and beliefs and other things and what is left is our understanding of reality.  Which when you realize how far removed what we think we experience is from what we actually experience, you begin to understand why and how conflicts arise between people.

The distortion and generalization effects are why I keep telling people that when someone behaves poorly – it’s not about you. It’s about them and their experiences and their perceptions and their distortions.  While you can’t do anything about how the other person distorts and reacts, you can do something about how you respond to what you think you are experiencing. Your responsibility is to overcome your own distortions so that you can better choose your actions.

Anyway – as Humanists, part of our mission is to better understand our basic limitations so that we can more effectively work around them and not be limited by them. This is one of those things that it is helpful to understand. It turns out, just realizing that you distort reality to fit your reality filters helps provide just enough distance to think more clearly.  I also really liked their graphics.

How to Forgive

How to find closure when no apology is given.

There are times in our lives when other people treat us poorly. They may not mean to. Or they may just be pathological individuals who harm everyone they meet. Usually, no apology is given and when it is, the person is so busy defending their own ego that the apology sounds hollow.

The number of famous people caught in scandals who then say – I’m sorry that you were offended by what I said. Not, I shouldn’t have said it and I was an idiot. This is the classic nonapology apology that is little more than an acknowledgement that someone else got hurt, but it still isn’t really my fault.

There are several things you can do for yourself to help you get over something when no apology is made. If you want to know how you can be happy despite what happened, this is how. Consider these as essential life skills that will help you move forward. 

Acceptance:

The key to getting over these things is to accept that you aren’t going to get the apology you deserve.  I mean think about it. If this person was capable of a real apology, they probably wouldn’t have hurt you in the first place.

Understanding:

Many times we want an apology because we need to know why something happened. Why did this person act the way they did. We can’t find closure because we just don’t understand what motivated the other person to behave so badly. The truth is they may not even know why they did what they did. Maybe they are mentally ill. Maybe they were under stress you didn’t know about. Maybe they were working on instinct and were afraid. People do really stupid things when they are afraid or stressed. The way to get over this is to understand, you don’t actually need to know the reasons why. It won’t change what happened. It won’t help you contextualize what happened. I won’t change anything. Most people feel the need to understand because what they are really hoping for is to massage their own ego and absolve ourselves of any lingering guilt we may feel over our own actions which may not have been so wonderful either. 

Motives:

You may want to spend some time thinking about WHY you feel you need an apology. Often it is because of our own ego. We want our hurt to be acknowledged by the person who hurt us. It may be that we want to be acknowledged as being right in whatever conflict occurred.  In almost every case, if you feel you are owed an apology you will find that your desire for an apology has more to do with your insecurities than with what the other person did or did not do.  If you deal with your insecurities, you will find that you don’t actually need the other person to apologize. And this is good because an apology isn’t likely to happen.

Responsibility

You may feel that in order to start healing, you need an apology. This is an excuse. Healing is hard. It means accepting what happened. It means accepting your role in what happened so that you can learn and grow from it. It means integrating what happened into your life into your understanding of who you are and more importantly, who you now want to be. Seeking an apology is a way to avoid the hard work of healing by continuing to blame the other person for all that is wrong in your life. That way it isn’t your fault it is theirs. If you want to find closure, take responsibility for your own healing. Don’t continue to give your power away to someone else.

Yes, you were wronged. You may have been traumatized. You may have scars both physical and emotional that will never heal. So what? You are responsible for your actions in response to what happened to you. You can continue to cast blame or you can get on with moving on and focus your time and energy on what comes next.

Compassion

When you recognize that the other person is too damaged to apologize you will probably stop feeling the need to make them responsible for what happened.  Compassion really is a selfish emotion to feel. It is something you do for you. It helps you to stop blaming them for what they did. It helps you accept the reality of what happened. It helps you to focus on your needs and your own failings so that you can let go of the anger so that you can let go of the pain and allow yourself to heal.

Are you still holding on to pain and wishing and hoping for an apology?  What has helped you to let go and find closure?

How to Love Me

How to talk about sex and your preferences and needs with your partner.

Relationships can be hard. I’m sure you’ve heard the advice; you have to communicate to make it work.  The problem is knowing what to say and how to say it and when to say it.  This is especially true of our sexual relationships.

Humanist view sex as an important part of who we are as humans and that all humans have a right to express their sexuality as they see fit and to enter into whatever sorts of relationships best suit them. The only thing we are concerned about is that whatever happens, no one gets hurt and that the rights of each individual are respected.

While there are certainly people who aren’t looking for anything deep and just want something physical to happen, a lot of people actually want and need some sort of personal connection with the individual(s) they are being intimate with. This is true of both men and women and people who are both and neither. 

It’s a basic human need to feel connected to other people. To feel like you matter. This is why people try so hard to get other people to like them and fall prey to peer pressure. We need to know that we matter.

For many people sex is a way to express our most basic of human connection or to at least attempt to create such a connection. That it usually feels great is bonus. The thing I have learned about myself is that the quality of what happens in the bedroom is directly related to what is happening outside of the bedroom. My heart and my body are connected that way. If my husband makes me feel loved and cherished during the course of the day and I do the same for him that is going to add a wonderful emotional component to our sex in the evening.

Which brings us to the topic of communicating your needs to your sexual partner. If you are not secure enough in your relationship (whatever  form that relationship takes or doesn't) then you will be less willing to discuss your likes and dislikes and protection and whatever else you feel needs to be discussed before you can fully enjoy yourself and have the amazing experience you deserve and are hoping for.  

These are conversations that are best had outside of the bedroom and before the action gets started. The bonus of mustering up the courage to breach the subject is that – if you need to tweak things in the moment, which happens, the lines of communication are already open and no one has to guess whether it is ok to ask for clarification, does this work or should I try something else? It’s ok to admit – you know, this isn’t really working for me, perhaps we can try a different position. And if it isn’t ok, then perhaps you should rethink what you want to get out of this sexual relationship because, as far as I am concerned, sex should be pleasurable for everyone involved

The point is that if you are going to communicate your needs, you need to establish respectful communication about the relationship (whatever that is or isn’t) first.

10 Qualities of Cultured People

What a letter from Anton Chekov to his brother can teach us about what it means to be a good human being.

There is a great article over at Brain Pickings on the qualities of cultured people. It was written by Anton Chekov – link here: http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2013/01/29/anton-chekhov-8-qualities-of-cultured-people/

As a Humanist, I love this list and wanted to translate it into a list of 10 basic rules for Humans and therefor Humanists.

1.   Respect everyone you meet, regardless of station.
2.  Have sympathy for everyone you meet, including those who annoy you.
3.  Do not cause harm to others.
4. Be honest, it makes life easier
5.  Don’t wallow in self-pity
6.  Don’t brag
7. Cultivate your talents and put them to good use
8.  Try to keep things clean and try to make your life beautiful
9.  Ennoble your sexual instincts, don’t treat lovers as objects, they are real humans just like you.
10. Always strive to improve yourself. 

And I just realized I’ve written my very own 10 list. aaaaggh! Forgive me. Just be good. Carry on. 

How to create a strategy that actually works.

4 steps to creating a strategy that will turn your dream goal into a reality.

As a Humanist I take problem solving very seriously. I want to accomplish my goals and not just dream about them. I wrote a blog post a little bit back on how to gain clarity of purpose. Today I want to talk about how to create a strategy that will actually work.

Recently I have gotten involved in anti-bullying work as a result of publishing my book – The Bully Vaccine. One of the things I’ve learned and that we all pretty much knew is that schools and teachers and administrators, however well-intentioned they may be, are not well equipped to help kids end bullying. There are some systemic reasons why this happens that I’m not going to get into here.

Suffice it to say that IF we want to help reduce or eliminate bullying, these systemic problems need to be resolved.   Wanting to change the way schools operate as it relates to bullying is a noble goal.  The real question is how we want them to change and what we can do to make sure those changes actually occur. Without a solid strategy we would be working aimlessly.

Deciding on a goal is easy. And most people are pretty good at that. The difference between people who are successful at actually creating the desired change and those who don’t is the ability to create a strategy.

Most people don’t. They just start doing whatever they think will work based on what they assume the problem to be and hope for the best, fail, get discouraged and decide that nothing can be done. Here are the steps to creating a strategy that will work instead.

1)      Laying the Ground Work

Someone who is strategic instead decided on a goal and then does a bit of research. How are things set up right now. Why are they set up that way? What are the goals that drove the system we have right now. Without knowing that – you won’t be able to develop a strategy that works.

2) Research

The next bit of research is to find out what actually works to solve the problem. What doesn’t work and what makes things worse is also important to know so that you can avoid those mistakes when you plan your strategy.   Most people don’t take this step either. They just assume they know and never bother to challenge whether what they think they know is even so. As a result, their strategies fail; they blame others and give up discouraged.

3)   Having a Plan

Once you know what you are dealing with and what you need to do to fix the problem, you can develop a plan, what exactly are the changes that need to be made? What do you want to keep of the old system and what needs to be changed to accommodate the best practices that are known to work.  It is only once you have a plan on what you would like to see happen that you can start to develop a strategy for how to accomplish it.

4) Strategy

Your strategy is the steps you need to take to implement the plan. Who do you need to talk to, who is in charge of the policies that need to be changed, what is the process for creating and implementing those changes. If your strategy has to do with education and disseminating new information, how are you going to disseminate it to the most possible people?

Having a goal is just the beginning. If you want to be successful, you need a solid strategy of how to get there.