Why Are We So Obsessed with Cats? It’s All About Variable Reinforcement

Ever wonder why people can become so obsessed with cats? The answer lies in a psychological concept called variable reinforcement. This happens when sometimes we get what we want—like a cat’s affection—and sometimes we don’t. 

Cats are perfect at this because, let’s face it, they have their own agenda. Sometimes they give us attention, and sometimes they completely ignore us. This unpredictability makes us crave their affection even more.

The key is that variable reinforcement strengthens behaviors and attachments. It’s the same mechanism behind a lot of other behaviors, from gambling addictions to attachment in abusive relationships. In fact, variable reinforcement is one of the reasons people stay in toxic situations—they’re constantly chasing the next positive moment, no matter how rare it is.

If you want to understand more about how this works and how it can affect relationships, check out my website bullyvaccineproject.com. It’s free and includes helpful primers on variable reinforcement and how to break the cycle if you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship dynamic.

As for cats, they’re not being manipulative—they just have cat thoughts and don’t think like humans. But their behavior can teach us a lot about why we attach to unpredictable sources of affection.

The Death of a Cat

One of our cats died this week. She was old. I wish I felt sadder then I do because, well, I didn’t really like her that much. She wasn’t very friendly, spent most of her time hiding under our bed and when she did venture forth, it was to pee on the floor and not in the litter box.  Needless to say, I am enjoying not having to clean up after a cat that wasn’t much of a pet.

My son, however, is quite sad.  Sally, was a very beautiful cat. She looked like a Russian Blue/Dilute Torti mix. She was seriously a beautiful cat. Too bad she rarely let anyone pet her. That is, up until the end. As she neared the end of her life she started to come out more and she even allowed my son to pet her and give her love. He was thrilled!!!

And then she died. And he cried. Which brings me to today’s topic of grief. Grief follows very similar processes regardless of who died. It is the same for a cat or for a human. The only difference is intensity.

So, to help our son, we obviously did not tell him he is going to see Sally again. The urge to ease his pain is strong but we resisted as we felt that would do more harm then good. We also refused to replace her with another pet as that would be cheating. She can’t be replaced and the sooner he came to terms with the reality of her death, the sooner he would be forced to experience his grief and eventually come to terms with it.

Like pretty much everyone who has lost a loved one, he at first tried to deny our cat’s death by hoping she would resurrect and then when that wasn’t an option, he hoped she could re-incarnate. He cried a lot and was sad.  We told him he would never forget her and that it was ok to be sad and to cry.  And now, three days later, he mentions that he misses her in passing but he has basically gotten on with the business of living his life.  He didn’t even cry himself to sleep tonight, as he preferred to discuss our plans for the weekend.

And that is grief in a nutshell.  Deny it, come to terms with it, feel bad about it and then get on with your life never forgetting the one you loved and lost.