I've had a few friends and a relative relate to me that they are rethinking their friendships. Who do they want to have as friends in their lives. And they asked me how I go about - both making friends, but more importantly - choosing friends.
Making friends is hard for almost everyone. It gets harder as we get older and we have to be more intentional about it. So, let's break this up into 2 parts. Who do I like having as friends, and how do I find them?
What am I looking for in a friend?
1) someone who is fundamentally nice. Not just to me, but to everyone. If someone is nice, I'm going to be drawn to them. If they are rude, I am not. I will be polite and kind to them, but I'm not going to really want to spend much time with them. So - this is number 1 for me. They must be - fundamentally a nice person.
2) They need to be interesting. When I think of the people I am friends with - that I am drawn to and want to hang out with to the point I seek them out, they are interesting. Someone who is interesting to talk to. They are interested in the world and so are interesting to me. When I think of my good close friends, including the people I've known since grade school, I'm in awe of them. They are REALLY neat people doing really interesting things. I'm drawn to that. I want friends that I want to cheer on and support. Who are actively engaged in the world in whatever way makes sense for them. That is what I look for.
And that's pretty much it. I'm pretty easy to please.
Now for the 2nd part - how do I find such people?
What I do know from experience and I mention this in my book - The Humanist Approach to Happiness - which has been translated into several languages btw. https://humanistlearning.com/the-humanist-approach-to-happiness-book/ is that in order to attract good people to me, I need to be a good person myself. I find the rest sorts itself out. As I go through the world doing the things I find interesting, I come across others who are also interested and interesting and nice, and when I do, I figure out ways to stay in touch and do things with them.
So - first bit of advice, be a fundamentally nice person who has interest and hobbies.
The 2nd bit of advice is to be open to people. Don't give your time to people who aren't nice just because you want friends. Do interesting things and find interesting people. Then, out of those, figure out who is fundamentally nice.
Keep in touch with the good interesting people in your life. Cheer them on. Encourage them. Be a good friend to them.
Good luck.
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