Why guys who want girlfriends need to stop being so obnoxious about it.
The “friend zone” has been the topic of several online articles recently – see Jezebel’s article: http://jezebel.com/dudes-stop-putting-women-in-the-girlfriendzone-1508177054 and Chuck Wendig’s seriously wonderful article here: http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2014/02/26/that-friend-zone-bullshit/
Now, I’ve counseled many a guy in the “friend” zone about what they are doing wrong. They rarely get it. That’s because they are so busy considering their needs, they forget the women they are interested in are human too.
To understand this, you have to realize, a woman is first and foremost a human. If you have no interest in her as human, then you probably aren’t going to get her to be your girlfriend. This means 3 things.
- 1) So stop pretending your intentions towards her are solely about friendship if they aren’t. If you are lying to her about your intentions, she’s going to be pissed you were lying to her about your intentions. And when she finds out, you aren’t likely to get her to be romantic with you, because, shock of all shockers, women do consider people as friends just because. Your gender doesn’t dictate whether we can be friends or not. Your friendship determines whether we can be friends or not. And yes, platonic friendships are totally possible and usually pretty awesome. So, if you act as if you are only interested in a platonic friends, but you really aren’t, you are shooting yourself in the foot.
- 2) Likewise, if you are only interested in her sexually, you probably aren’t going to get a good quality woman to be your friend, because, in general, women who are interested in sex for the sake of sex aren’t interested in relationships. Seriously, they aren’t. So don’t assume if you are just animal magnet that if you can get a woman to have sex with you she will want to be in a relationship with you. That doesn’t work either.
- 3) If you are interested in romance, you have to let us know. Not obnoxiously so, but you do have to let us know. I went out with a guy once who I was convinced had to be gay. He was nice and wonderful and we are still friends, but he showed no romantic interest in me at all. Imagine my surprise to find out he was hetero and interested in me. Could have fooled me. He blew his chance with me because I wrote him off as not a potential romantic partner. I appreciate that he wanted to be friends before romantic partners, but if you are interested in romance, you have to let the girl know you are interested in her both as a friend and as a girl. Not just as a friend and not just as a girl – but both! At the same time!
The key to this whole thing is to understand that the term is girlfriend. Both girl and friend. The same goes for boyfriends – both boy and friend. If it’s just friend, as in we are both human and there is little to no sexual interest, you don’t need the gender qualifier. So treat us as humans. Be honest with us about your intentions and be both a friend and a boy who is interested in us romantically. That will give you the best shot at success. And if you are worried about being shot down, take heart. The sooner you learn whether your interest is reciprocated or not, the sooner you can stop investing time in a losing proposition. But don’t worry, you can still be friends.