How to Love Me

How to talk about sex and your preferences and needs with your partner.

Relationships can be hard. I’m sure you’ve heard the advice; you have to communicate to make it work.  The problem is knowing what to say and how to say it and when to say it.  This is especially true of our sexual relationships.

Humanist view sex as an important part of who we are as humans and that all humans have a right to express their sexuality as they see fit and to enter into whatever sorts of relationships best suit them. The only thing we are concerned about is that whatever happens, no one gets hurt and that the rights of each individual are respected.

While there are certainly people who aren’t looking for anything deep and just want something physical to happen, a lot of people actually want and need some sort of personal connection with the individual(s) they are being intimate with. This is true of both men and women and people who are both and neither. 

It’s a basic human need to feel connected to other people. To feel like you matter. This is why people try so hard to get other people to like them and fall prey to peer pressure. We need to know that we matter.

For many people sex is a way to express our most basic of human connection or to at least attempt to create such a connection. That it usually feels great is bonus. The thing I have learned about myself is that the quality of what happens in the bedroom is directly related to what is happening outside of the bedroom. My heart and my body are connected that way. If my husband makes me feel loved and cherished during the course of the day and I do the same for him that is going to add a wonderful emotional component to our sex in the evening.

Which brings us to the topic of communicating your needs to your sexual partner. If you are not secure enough in your relationship (whatever  form that relationship takes or doesn't) then you will be less willing to discuss your likes and dislikes and protection and whatever else you feel needs to be discussed before you can fully enjoy yourself and have the amazing experience you deserve and are hoping for.  

These are conversations that are best had outside of the bedroom and before the action gets started. The bonus of mustering up the courage to breach the subject is that – if you need to tweak things in the moment, which happens, the lines of communication are already open and no one has to guess whether it is ok to ask for clarification, does this work or should I try something else? It’s ok to admit – you know, this isn’t really working for me, perhaps we can try a different position. And if it isn’t ok, then perhaps you should rethink what you want to get out of this sexual relationship because, as far as I am concerned, sex should be pleasurable for everyone involved

The point is that if you are going to communicate your needs, you need to establish respectful communication about the relationship (whatever that is or isn’t) first.

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