20/80 Rule

The Atlantic published yet another very long essay from yet another woman who is unhappy with her relationships status.  This time it was from Kate Bolick who wrote about the dismal prospects for single ladies these days. The ability to marry up is just not there for most single women, so, they either need to choose to remain single or, gasp, marry down. But wait, it gets worse, apparently the fact that the eligible men (read wealthy) can have their pick of women means that eligible men have become commitment phobes.

One of the experts she interviewed was Susan Walsh - of Hooking Up Smart.  According to Ms. Walsh on college campuses, 20% of the men are having 80% of the sex with about 20% of the women. The problem is that this gives everyone who isn't participating in the "hook up" culture the impression that this is just the way it is these days.  It seems like no one wants to date or be in relationships anymore. But just the opposite is true. According to Cosmo, 73% of women would like to, you know, date. (read the statistics on one page - very enlightening)

So, if you are lamenting the fact that there doesn't seem to be anyone interested in dating and being in a relationship anymore, stop focusing your attention on the 20% of men and women who aren't interesting in dating and relationships (ie; the hook uppers).  Focus on the other 80% who aren't participating in the hook up scene.  As Ms. Walsh says, consider approach the shy guy or gal in the corner.  You may just have better success. I know this strategy always worked for me.

Also, don't feel pressured to hook up if that doesn't feel right to you.  It is right for some, but not for all. It's ok if it isn't for you. Respect yourself enough to know if it isn't and don't get sucked into the belief that this is the only way to find someone. It isn't. And again, if you stop focusing on "the popular" kids, you may just find that the rest of your school contains some pretty amazing people that will be worth your time to get to know. And for goodness sakes, read all the advice on Hooking Up Smart - she knows her stuff.

PS: This is very consistent with the advice I give in my book.


  1. Hi Mildred - just viewed your blog - I am no officially a huge fan of yours! Wishing you the best.

  2. About 60 percent of single women in our country choose to get used on online dating than on meeting guys in personal.


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