Will punishment fix the problem, or make the problem worse.

 A parent on a parenting board I am on asked a question that I think has relevance to humanistic leadership and - management in general. 


Let me set the scene. Her child, who was e-learning because of covid, got all As and Bs, except in one course, where they got an F. The course was an elective, not a core course.

Obviously the parent knows their kid is capable of passing the class. They asked the group: should they punish the kid?  Or take another approach?

Once I recovered and picked my job up off the floor, I responded, no - they should not punish. They should instead, be compassionate with their kid and see what they have to say about it.  I was a straight A kid, I only ever failed 1 class and it was because the teacher hated me. It wasn't my fault. These things happen. But it definitely shook my confidence to have a teacher literally harass me every time I sat down in their class. And when I say harass, I mean, the teacher would sit behind me during tests, eat corn nuts loudly and whisper to me - don't bother - you are going to fail anyway.  Yes, I did get my parents to help and yes, they did support me.

My point is that - a kid failing a class happens. If your kid is otherwise performing well and they have a problem, punishing them for having a problem isn't going to help them fix the problem.

Which is where this starts moving from humanistic parenting into humanistic leadership. The question I always ask people to consider when talking to them about solving a problem is - will this action fix the problem or make it worse. It's amazing how many people NEVER ask themselves this.

Almost always – punishment will make the problem worse and won’t fix the problem at all. The only thing that fixes the problem is fixing the problem.  And yes, there is science to back this up.

Our instincts to punish come from our own anger and frustration and impotence. But punishment won't help a good kid or a good employee do and be better. Helping them fix whatever their problem is - is what will fix the problem.

This often requires a reframing from a you centered approach to an us centered approach. You are thinking about them, from your perspective. The reality is you don't know what happened or why. Without knowing what happened and why, you have no chance of fixing the problem. 

So be nice. Be supportive and be compassionate and approach the problem as an exercise in collaborative problem solving. If they could have fixed the problem on their own they would have. Clearly they couldn't and they need help. Supportive help that actually fixes the problem.

The challenge comes when people are too proud to ask for help or to receive help. At that point, you may have to be creative to figure out a way to help them while still validating their dignity and worth. 

I have a fifteen year old. He hates asking me for help. He still needs help though. Part of what I have to do to help him is convince him to let me help. Threatening him with punishment has never once worked to get him comfortable with me offering assistance. And yes, this requires balance and patience. And it requires balance, patience and dignity when you are dealing with employees too.

Just - do me a favor, the next time you think of punishment as a solution to a problem, don't. Just stop. Remember that punishment doesn't solve problems. And reframe, get your ego out of the way and focus on being supportive instead.  It is amazing what you learn when instead of being accusatory, you listen. And keep listening until the person trusts you enough to tell you the truth. 


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