How I beat a bully in the workplace without stooping to their level.

I went through a really bad situation when I first was a professional. To be fair – I was hired to fix a really bad situation and the result was – I became a target of the bullies – and that targeting continued – after I fired them.  

I now teach how to make unwanted behavior – like workplace bullying stop.  (https://humanistlearning.com)  I also teach these skills to kids and their parents for free through my website The Bully Vaccine (https://bullyvaccine.com)

First – the background. I was hired by a non-profit that had toxic staff/volunteer relations. We had 10 volunteers who thought their job was to spy on staff. The result was – staff didn’t want to work with the volunteers.  I was hired as the director of volunteer services to turn this around. I knew up front – this was going to be difficult and I accepted the responsibility to make this happen.

First – the good news. I succeeded. And within 3 years I had 500 volunteers donating 20,000 hours a year (the equivalent of 10 full time employees). Our volunteers were assisting every aspect of our agency’s work. I was being loaned out to sister agencies to help them learn how to do this and was often the point person to help organize volunteers for disaster response.

How did I do it? A combination of professionalism, honesty and behavioral science.  Was it easy to do? Nope. At one point – the blow back against me was so bad – I thought about quitting. I didn’t because I had enough allies asking me to stick it out for the good of the organization. That is the only reason I didn’t quit. Being targeted can be brutal.  REALLY brutal. To get through it – you need allies who need you to succeed to improve the organization.

What did I endure? 

Seriously? What didn’t I endure? I was accused of sexual misconduct. My reputation was routinely attacked. What I was wearing was attacked. I literally had to endure a formal investigation into my wardrobe choices and my dating life to get through this. And I did – because a) I hadn’t done anything wrong – these were all lies and b) I had allies.

So – what happened and how did this all go down?

When I took the job, the first thing I did was consult with staff and find 2 that were willing to work with volunteers. I asked them what would be the most helpful thing a volunteer could do. I wrote up a job description (including who to report to and what exactly the work was). I went to the volunteers – explained to them – what we needed them to do. Why we needed them to do it, why it was so important that it needed to be done. And then gave them a choice – do you want to do this – or not? They all agreed. And were paired with staff and staff and volunteers were nurtured in their new relationships so that the volunteers could be productive assistants to the staff.  

9 out of the 10 – were so grateful that I had made this change and created clarity around their volunteer work as they a) had not liked the old toxic environment (who would) and b) they now knew that their time was being used to help make things better.  The one volunteer who did not like it – was the person who used to be in charge of the volunteers. She did not get on board and would not do the work we had requested of her. So I fired her.   That’s when things went south.

She had allies within the organization. Other directors of other departments.  She spread lies and rumors about me. She continually tried to get her job back and make it seem like I was a horrible person who had to be eliminated for the good of the agency. 

I ignored that and just kept growing the volunteer program. As we had successes – other people requested help and I followed the same process. Drew up job descriptions, trained the volunteers and coached the staff in how to manage and work with volunteers successfully.  The more we had success, the more staff wanted volunteers. And it just kept growing. 

Our reputation and my training program were so successful – we got a discount on our liability insurance as our accident rate had dropped substantially – even though we had exponentially more volunteers working with us. I had people requesting internships. I developed a mentorship volunteer program so people with dual diagnosis (disability and mental health) could volunteer with a volunteer partner.  We had adults with the boys and girls club – bringing in their little brothers and sisters in to volunteer as a team. And still – our accident rate dropped. 

The attacks continued for a year

But .. this fired toxic volunteer – was still attacking me. And as she failed to succeed in ousting me, her rumors and lies got worse and worse. It didn’t help that I had broken past the gender roles and joined the old boys network which really wasn’t and old boys network – just the 2 senior males in the organization liked to have coffee in the morning and discuss issues relating to our work. I used to join them – even though I don’t drink coffee. The other female directors were really upset I had broken through when they hadn’t – so they became allies of the toxic volunteer.

It all came to a head in the formal investigation that was requested. I actually requested the investigation to put an end to the rumors and dispense with it once and for all. The people spreading rumors were asked to file formal complaints and those complaints against me were investigated. I was cleared – and that was the end of it. 

Welcome an investigation

I always tell people, welcome the investigation. If you are innocent – the investigation will clear you and the people who made the complaints and started the rumors – will lose. It increases the cost of spreading rumors. They can no longer hide what they are doing. They either have to put their own reputation on the line, or shut up. If someone is spreading false rumors – and they are found to be false – it’s the rumor spreader that is hurt, not the target. 

This wasn't easy 

The stress was immense. My reputation and honesty were being questioned. I was enduring attacks from all directions. I got through it by being honest, competent and professional, and – because I had allies who were rooting for me. I got through this – for them. To make their lives better! 

It is much easier to endure the sort of backlash stopping bullying in the workplace generates – if you know you are helping to make things better.  And we must do this. If one toxic part time volunteer can cost you the equivalent of 10 full time employees – imagine how much productivity a full time employee with authority is costing you!

Companies need to take this seriously

 Support your whistleblowers and change agents. Most importantly - you MUST be willing to fire the toxic person or things will never get better. 

Learn more:

If you want to learn more about how to do what I did - take one of my online courses: https://humanistlearning.com/category/bullyingharassment/