This should be obvious, but it’s worth stating. If you want someone to do something, you need to positively reinforce them when they do.
There I was, leading a discussion at a law firm about how to use operant conditioning to eliminate unwanted behavior and one of the guys asked – well – can I use this to get my wife to do more chores around the house. His co-workers groaned, but it is a good question. One that is asked a LOT by women, who in America, still seem to be saddled with the bulk of the housework.
I seem to give a lot of advice on this topic so when I saw this cartoon – I said – YES! That will help teach the basic problem people run into. Not enough positive reinforcement!
http://fborfw.com/strip_fix/sunday-august-21-2016/
We want people to help, but then we get cranky with them when they do because, they don’t do it right. The person wanting to help is conditioned to not help because every time they do, they receive negative reinforcement which they don’t like.
This should be obvious, but it’s worth stating. If you want someone to do something, you need to positively reinforce them when they do.
I realize that to do this you have to give up some control over HOW it is done. So you have to make a choice, either accept that it won’t get done your way or stop complaining that you are the only one doing the chore.
If you want them to do it and you want them to do it your way – that will take more time. Basically – you have to do a program of successive approximation. First, positively reinforce them for doing the chore. Once they are doing it reliably, start tweaking it. Not everything at once. Once suggested change at a time and thank them and give them profuse praise and love and appreciation for making the change. Then, once that is integrated into their regularly do the chore behavior, add another tweak. Praise and integrate it before adding another tweak. Eventually – your spouse will be doing the chore the way you want it done. Don’t want to do all this work, then stop harassing your spouse and just do it yourself.
As for the man who wanted his wife to do the dishes, yes – he admitted he would complain every time she did, because she did them a way he considered wrong. And he couldn’t let it go. I had to wonder if maybe his perception of what was happening was flawed. It is entirely possible that his wife had trained him – to do the dishes!
There I was, leading a discussion at a law firm about how to use operant conditioning to eliminate unwanted behavior and one of the guys asked – well – can I use this to get my wife to do more chores around the house. His co-workers groaned, but it is a good question. One that is asked a LOT by women, who in America, still seem to be saddled with the bulk of the housework.
I seem to give a lot of advice on this topic so when I saw this cartoon – I said – YES! That will help teach the basic problem people run into. Not enough positive reinforcement!
We want people to help, but then we get cranky with them when they do because, they don’t do it right. The person wanting to help is conditioned to not help because every time they do, they receive negative reinforcement which they don’t like.
This should be obvious, but it’s worth stating. If you want someone to do something, you need to positively reinforce them when they do.
I realize that to do this you have to give up some control over HOW it is done. So you have to make a choice, either accept that it won’t get done your way or stop complaining that you are the only one doing the chore.
If you want them to do it and you want them to do it your way – that will take more time. Basically – you have to do a program of successive approximation. First, positively reinforce them for doing the chore. Once they are doing it reliably, start tweaking it. Not everything at once. Once suggested change at a time and thank them and give them profuse praise and love and appreciation for making the change. Then, once that is integrated into their regularly do the chore behavior, add another tweak. Praise and integrate it before adding another tweak. Eventually – your spouse will be doing the chore the way you want it done. Don’t want to do all this work, then stop harassing your spouse and just do it yourself.
As for the man who wanted his wife to do the dishes, yes – he admitted he would complain every time she did, because she did them a way he considered wrong. And he couldn’t let it go. I had to wonder if maybe his perception of what was happening was flawed. It is entirely possible that his wife had trained him – to do the dishes!
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