Make it your responsibility

I wanted to share this video today because it has to do with responsibility.  In it, you will see adults ignore a child's pleas for help.  It's rather upsetting.

The problem is a well known phenomenon that occurs in groups, which is that the larger the group, the harder it is to get help because responsibility is so diffuse, no one is responsible.  The good news is that this phenomenon is easy to overcome. All it takes is for one person to stop and take responsibility to cause a cascade effect. Once people know someone is taking responsibility - they feel more comfortable stopping to help as well.

Obviously, most people would like to think they are the sort of person that if the situation called for it that they would be that one person who steps up, but the reality is, most aren't. The problem is though, that if we don't step up, we are part of the problem of what's wrong with society.

Here's how to ensure you aren't part of the problem.  MAKE IT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!  This is something you have to choose for yourself as a matter of principle. If you haven't already decided that if a situation arose where you weren't sure if someone needed help or not that you were going to make it your responsibility to find out, decide that you will.  You have to decide in advance that you are willing to be late and to be inconvenienced when you see someone who needs help. And then, the next time you see someone who might need help, make it your responsibility to find out if they do or not.

I made that decision for myself immediately after learning about the group effect back when I was a young adult. I decided I didn't want to be part of the problem, and that I would make it my responsibility to be that one person who stops to help.  I have helped several complete strangers over the course of my life and I know in at least one instance I helped to save someone's life by stopping to help, it's entirely possible I saved a couple of others, though I don't know for sure because I left after professional aid arrived.

I know what sort of person I am, I'm the sort that stops to help even if I'm not completely sure help is even needed. The question is: are you the sort of person who makes it their responsibility to help others, or not?

I've been saying this for years!

What you think about others is more a reflection of who you are, then it is of the other people.  If you view people you've never met positively, it means you are basically a positive person. If you view people you've never met as most likely jerks, it's because you are probably a jerk.

It's called projection and we all do it. We tend to project onto others our own issues and concerns. And it's important to understand this. That's why I wrote about it in my book about how the world doesn't revolve around you. When someone judges you unfairly it has very little to do with you and every thing to do with them.  It isn't about you. It's about how they feel about the world and themselves.  And that's not just folk wisdom, scientific research actually backs that up.

See: What you say about others says a lot about you : http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/08/100802165441.htm#.TpcmRlX_6M0.blogger

Also - thanks to Empathy Heals for first posting the story: http://www.empathyheals.com/2011/10/what-you-say-about-others-says-lot.html

20/80 Rule

The Atlantic published yet another very long essay from yet another woman who is unhappy with her relationships status.  This time it was from Kate Bolick who wrote about the dismal prospects for single ladies these days. The ability to marry up is just not there for most single women, so, they either need to choose to remain single or, gasp, marry down. But wait, it gets worse, apparently the fact that the eligible men (read wealthy) can have their pick of women means that eligible men have become commitment phobes.

One of the experts she interviewed was Susan Walsh - of Hooking Up Smart.  According to Ms. Walsh on college campuses, 20% of the men are having 80% of the sex with about 20% of the women. The problem is that this gives everyone who isn't participating in the "hook up" culture the impression that this is just the way it is these days.  It seems like no one wants to date or be in relationships anymore. But just the opposite is true. According to Cosmo, 73% of women would like to, you know, date. (read the statistics on one page - very enlightening)

So, if you are lamenting the fact that there doesn't seem to be anyone interested in dating and being in a relationship anymore, stop focusing your attention on the 20% of men and women who aren't interesting in dating and relationships (ie; the hook uppers).  Focus on the other 80% who aren't participating in the hook up scene.  As Ms. Walsh says, consider approach the shy guy or gal in the corner.  You may just have better success. I know this strategy always worked for me.

Also, don't feel pressured to hook up if that doesn't feel right to you.  It is right for some, but not for all. It's ok if it isn't for you. Respect yourself enough to know if it isn't and don't get sucked into the belief that this is the only way to find someone. It isn't. And again, if you stop focusing on "the popular" kids, you may just find that the rest of your school contains some pretty amazing people that will be worth your time to get to know. And for goodness sakes, read all the advice on Hooking Up Smart - she knows her stuff.

PS: This is very consistent with the advice I give in my book.

Why Is Humanism still an underground philosophy?

Joyce Carol Oats is
a Humanist

Back in 2007 the author Joyce Carol Oates received the Humanist of the Year award from the American Humanist Association. In her acceptance speech she asked a very important question, "Why, instead, is humanism not the preeminent belief of humankind? Why don't humans place their faith in reason and in the strategies of skepticism and doubt, and refuse to concede to "traditional" customs, religious convictions, and superstitions?"

I've been wanting to answer that question for years now. Part of the answer is that obviously, some people are believers and some people aren't. But even among the non-believers, Humanism isn't well known and is certainly not ubiquitous.

It seems to me that the main reason Humanism isn't the preeminent belief of human kind is because we Humanists haven't really bothered to tell anyone about it. Perhaps if we did, people would know that Humanism is choice. Yes, I know, there are Humanists group out there working hard at getting the message out. That's not what I am talking about. I'm talking about Humanists being open about the fact that this is the philosophy that is driving them.


Most people I talk to have never heard of it before despite the fact that some of the most influential people in the world are Humanists. Why is that? Well, because it didn't come up that often. How many reporters interviewed Einstein? A gazillion probably. How many knew that a big part of who he was was that he was a Humanist?  Nearly none.

I'm not blaming Einstein for not touting his Humanism more strongly. Humanism is a personal choice and not something we would ever try to force on others. I'm the same way. But we do need to do a better job of talking about and sharing our philosophy with others.  Because Ms. Oates is correct, there is no reason why Humanism shouldn't be the preeminent belief of human kind. Our values certainly are.